The Journey From Mourning to Joy

Answering And Controlling Difficult Questions

2012-01-26T00:01:00.010-07:00

We’ve all heard the expression about “triggers”. Triggers are those “things” that are said or happen that in a moment throw us backwards on this grief journey, making us feel as though our hearts are being ripped apart again and can cause the flood gates to open wide.

Triggers always seem to happen when we least expect them – in a moment of quiet. Don't misunderstand me - when moments of quiet happen it doesn't mean that we have forgotten that our child had died, we all know that there is no way we can or will ever forget that fact But as time goes on there are moments when our minds and bodies take a moment out to “be quiet and regroup”.. And then wham – something ‘triggers” those grief emotions that we try so hard to suppress, and we find ourselves sliding down the slippery slope of grief.

One of those triggers, is a question that can be heart wrenching – always asked innocently during idle chit chat – it is the dreaded question of “how many children do you have”…

Know that the first several (or even several hundred) times that this question is asked it will almost always take your breath away.. So like so many things in life that we prepare for, think about the question and consider how you might be comfortable answering it.

Many parents will say that as time moves forward or depending on the occasion when the question is asked, they may even change their answers. No doubt, how the question is answered, will depends on your situation at the time. How you answer will also vary on who asks you the question and most importantly, on how you are feeling at the moment the question is asked..

Parents often say they feel guilty and can't bear to deny their child or children's existence so they give the total number of pregnancies or children they’ve had, never making any mention of a miscarriage, stillbirth or the child or children who have died..

For parents who may have lost their only child or tragically lost all their children, they may say: “My daughter or son died”, or “My children died” or, they may simply answer "None" not wanting to have to explain. Some might say "I had one daughter or son."

Their will be times, depending on how the question is answered, that the person asking, might then ask you to tell your story. When you are having a bad day and do not want to answer further questions, you might reply, "Thank you for caring enough to ask, but this has not been a good day for me. I really cannot talk about it."

The question might vary - there may be a time when someone will ask “I heard your son or daughter died, what happened?" Again, if you’d rather not answer or explain, there is nothing wrong with saying “Thank you for caring enough to ask, but this has not been a good day for me. I really cannot talk about it."

Teaching and giving many presentations over the years have taught me to be prepared and I admit I’ve relied on a skill learned long ago, and that is “I practiced a few stock response to these and other frightening situations relating to my children’s deaths” which have helped me stay in control for the moment at hand.. That doesn’t mean that once I walk away the flood gates don’t open, but for the moment I feel in control.

No, we can’t change the fact that our children aren’t with us any longer, but I think it helps us during this journey thru grief to be able to control some situations. Just like this grief journey is very different for each and every one of us, we each need to find our own ways of doing what works for us, that allows us to feel “in control” … Cherie Houston

There are no road maps for this Journey through Grief

2012-01-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

~ Written by T. Thomas

In the summer of 2008, I lost my only child to a fatal car accident. She would have turned 19 that September, if that one moment in time had not occurred.

How does one keep breathing, continue waking up every day when someone so dear is gone? I marvel each morning that I am still here, still opening my eyes to the beauty of the sunrise, to the wonder of the day. It always seems somehow simultaneously miraculous and wrong that I should still be on this earth and my daughter is not.

What maps are there for grief? What guideposts? Counseling – for me – was decidedly disappointing. Books are plentiful and occasionally helpful. Support, love, listening ears and solid hugs from friends and loved ones are priceless and welcome. But nothing changes what is. Nothing brings back the missing person.
The pain of all that is gone doesn’t stop.

Grief is a self-involving emotion. It pulls us down into the darkness of our own hearts and tends to exclude others. It is an injury to the soul that is generally not visible on the surface. We who grieve are the walking wounded, but our wounds are deep inside where the world cannot see.

Our culture dismisses grief. We get three days off from work for “bereavement,” as a general rule, and then we are supposed to be “over it,” and back to normal. Fortunately, my place of employment is filled with understanding friends who continue to support my challenges, but most people are not so lucky. The truth is, those who grieve do not get “over it” quickly. Depending on the loss a person suffers, it can be years – perhaps a lifetime – before the grief fades. What happens more surely is the pain “softens” a bit, but the soul’s wound may never fully heal.

Doctors, counselors and well-meaning acquaintances immediately suggested I take pills – anti-depressants – to help with the pain. “I’m not depressed,” I explained, “I am grieving.”

But in today’s culture, there is no room for grief. We are told to take a pill and feel better. Drugs are intended to treat sickness – like clinical depression perhaps. Grief is not a sickness. Grief is a legitimate emotion that, if bottled up or drugged down, will find its way out eventually. And although I want very much to “feel better,” I need to feel this grief. I don’t want to be numbed and anesthetized. I need to miss my child, my funny girl, my best friend. But it does hurt – all the time.

My mind fights reality. I want so badly to go back to that brief moment one sunny May morning and make something different happen, change some tiny detail that would alter the tragic outcome. But that is not possible.

We cannot change what happens to us. Life presents challenges, obstacles, tragedies over which we have no control. Feeling a loss of control can lead to a sense of powerlessness and bitterness, and true depression can take over where grief leaves off, if we let it. That’s where we do have control.

We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond. We have control over our actions, our goals, our words and deeds. In a nutshell, we can control who we become, and thereby control how (and if) we begin to heal our grief wounds.

Coming through grief is like struggling through an uncharted landscape. It is difficult and mostly unpleasant, with hills and valleys. As time passes, the hills are a bit higher, the valleys a bit less low. I focus on what I can control and try to become a better person. My daughter wants me to be happy – she said so often. And so I strive to be.

You Can

2012-01-18T00:01:00.002-07:00

YOU CAN

You can shed tears that he or she is gone,

Or you can smile because he or she lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that he or she will come back,

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he or she has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,

Or you can be full of the love that you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember him or her and remember ONLY that he or she is gone,

Or you can cherish his or her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,

OR you can do what he or she would want……….

SMILE, open your eyes,

LOVE and go on.

The Face of Courage, The Heart of Strength

2012-01-14T00:01:00.001-07:00

~ By Joanne Cacciatore, PhD, MSW, FT ~ Founder of the www.missfoundation.org, in Peoria, AZ

What characteristics define courageousness and strength? Many would say that courage is facing inherent fears. A person with an intense fear of heights would be courageous to parachute from an airplane, wouldn’t he? Instead of running from the debilitating fear, he stood and faced it. And what about strength? A person with demonstrative strength, perhaps a professional body builder, will not run from a challenge. He works out everyday, learning the skills necessary to increase his potential and toning muscles in preparation to lift that arduous bar bell.

The grief process has captivating similarities to the physical challenges posed to athletes. Yet, while athletes are admired and revered by society, many families in the grief process say they feel isolated within their own community. There is a misconception that compelling emotions should be repressed- that a person who openly shares tears is powerless and vulnerable.

There are those individuals brandishing the “carry-on-chin-up” stoic posture after a tragedy. Too often, these individuals are praised for their courage and strength. Some are commended on how well they are doing with pat-on-the-back encouragement. They have seemingly “carried on” with life, and put the tragedy and pain behind them. Some are admired for maintaining such unemotional composure, mistaking this “business-like” acumen for courage and strength. Others remain surreptitious with their emotions thinking others will view them as weak.

But take a look at the real defining characteristics of courage and strength. Does it take more courage and strength to bury the frightening and overwhelming emotions? Or does it take more courage and strength to deal with the grief- to look into the face of sorrow- to stare into the heart of pain? Those who have wept- really wept from the depths of the soul can answer that. Is there any emotion more harrowing, intimidating and physically exhausting as those experienced during those times of deep grief? Certainly not.

So which individual is truly the strong and courageous one? It must be the one who faces the pain full force- the one who has the courage to tell others the truth about their sorrow- the one who, instead of running, stands and faces the inconceivable challenges of grief- the one who isn’t afraid to share the raw emotions of grief with others, to encourage understanding and compassion- the one who will reach out to others in grief and help carry another.

Those are the defining attributes of true and indisputable courage and strength.

You Know You Are Getting Better When – Part 2 of 2

2012-01-10T00:01:00.007-07:00

The following is continued from Saturday, January 7th - As I stated when I wrote part 1, I’ve referred to the following article often through these last 27 months since my son Bobby’s death. Each time I read it, it helps me realize that although those of us who are grieving aren’t truly ill., there is no doubt that we are “sick” – we are “heartsick” and the overwhelming pain and heartache we experience is just as debilitating as any illness might be.

Yes, for many if not most of us, looking back on those early days, months and even years since our child's death, we often wondered ourselves if we would “survive” what we were going through.. So I wanted to share this with you, hoping you might find a little hope and or inspiration in this article written for “hospice” entitled – “You Know You Are Getting Better When”… It is quite lengthy, which is why I posted it over 2 days… Cherie Houston

~ By Helen Fitzgerald, CT for the American Hospice Foundation

“You Know You Are Getting Better When”…
• You can enjoy a good joke and have a good laugh without feeling guilty.
• Your eating, sleeping, and exercise patterns return to what they were beforehand.
• You no longer feel tired all the time.
• You have developed a routine or a new schedule in your daily life that does not include your loved one.
• You can concentrate on a book or favorite television program. You can even retain information you have just read or viewed.
• You no longer have to make daily or weekly trips to the cemetery. You now feel comfortable going once a month or only on holidays or other special occasions.
• You can find something to be thankful for. You always knew there were good things going on in your life, but they didn't matter much before.
• You can establish new and healthy relationships. New friends are now part of your life and you enjoy participating in activities with them.
• You feel confident again. You are in touch with your new identity and have a stronger sense of what you are going to do with the rest of your life.
• You can organize and plan your future.
• You can accept things as they are and not keep trying to return things to what they were.
• You have patience with yourself through "grief attacks." You know they are becoming further apart and less frightening and painful.
• You look forward to getting up in the morning.
• You stop to smell the flowers along the way and enjoy experiences in life that are meant to be enjoyed.
• The vacated roles that your loved one filled in your life are now being filled by yourself or others. When a loved one dies he or she leaves many "holes" in your life. Now those holes are being filled with other people and activities, although some will remain empty. You are more at ease with these changes.
• You can take the energy and time spent thinking about your loss and put those energies elsewhere, perhaps by helping others in similar situations or making concrete plans with your own life.
• You acknowledge your new life and even discover personal growth from experiencing grief.

You Know You Are Getting Better When – Part 1 of 2

2012-01-07T00:01:00.001-07:00

I received the following article about 6 months after my son Bobby died, with a note telling me she thought the article might help me realize that eventually I would feel better.. When I first received it I remember thinking, “Don’t you understand – I’m not sick – I don’t have the flu, my heart is simply broken and it will never heal”..
I’ve referred to it often these last 27 months since Bobby’s death, and each time I read it, the more I realize that although it’s true we aren’t ill when we are grieving, but there is no doubt that we are “sick” – we are “heartsick” and the overwhelming pain and heartache we experience is just as debilitating as any illness could be..
So when others say to us “I hope you are getting better” we first have to realize and accept that they don’t mean to hurt us in any way when they ask this question or make the statement – they honestly care about us and wish they could help, and more often than not they just don’t know what else to say. They know we are “heartsick” and are concerned, and they know they don’t have the remedy…
Yes, for many if not most of us, looking back on those early days, months and even years, we often wondered ourselves if we would “survive” what we were going through.. So I wanted to share this with you, hoping you might find a little hope and or inspiration in this article written for “hospice” entitled – “You Know You Are Getting Better When”… It is quite lengthy, so I am going to post it over 2 days… Cherie Houston
~ By Helen Fitzgerald, CT for the American Hospice Foundation
The progress through grief is so slow, and so often of a "one step forward and two steps backwards" motion, that it is difficult to see signs of improvement. The following are clues that will help you to see that you are beginning to work through your grief:
• You are in touch with the finality of the death. You now know in your heart that your loved one is truly gone and will never return to this earth.
• You can review both pleasant and unpleasant memories. In early grief, memories are painful because they remind you of how much you have lost. Now it feels good to remember, and you look for people to share memories with.
• You can enjoy time alone and feel comfortable. You no longer need to have someone with you all the time or look for activities to keep you distracted.
• You can drive somewhere by yourself without crying the whole time. Driving seems to be a place where many people cry, which can be dangerous for you and other drivers.
• You are less sensitive to some of the comments people make. You realize that painful comments made by family or friends are made in ignorance.
• You look forward to holidays. Once dreaded occasions can now be anticipated with excitement, perhaps through returning to old traditions or creating new ones.
• You can reach out to help someone else in a similar situation. It is healing to be able to use your experience to help others.
• The music you shared with the one you lost is no longer painful to hear. Now, you may even find it comforting.
• You can sit through a church service without crying.
• Some time passes in which you have not thought of your loved one. When this first happens, you may panic, thinking, "I am forgetting." This is not true. You will never forget. You are giving yourself permission to go on with your life and your loved one would want you to do this.
Part 2 of 2 will be posted on Tuesday, January 10th

The new year is here...

2012-01-04T00:01:00.015-07:00

Yes, like it or now a new year is here - it has begun…

No matter how hard we wish it were different, 2012 is a year that our child or children who have died much too soon, will not be part of, or will they?

I can vividly remember that week prior to New Years Eve 2009 turning into 2010, just months after our son Bobby died. The holidays had been a blur and I had this horrible dread of the new year arriving and not sure why. So many people said to me and to us, "guess you’ll be so glad when this year is over” and then I realized what I was dreading - this New Year would be a year in which Bobby would never live. But at the same time, I simply smiled, because I know immediately they'd been been fortunate enough not to have been touched by the death of someone they love, especially the death of a child, their child.. For if they had, they wouldn't have made that comment..

Unless you’ve walked in the shoes of a grieving parent, it’s hard to imagine the sadness that the ending of each year brings; almost reminiscent of a funeral, another good-bye that we can’t stand to say..

Yes 2012 will and should be a time of new beginnings, but for those of us who are grieving a child, our children will not be here to share in this wonderful new year ~ or will they…

I believe they can and will be part of it.. Yes it’s up to us, the ones who love them, to speak their names, with smiles as we remember the joys they brought to our lives, whether their stay with us was for the few precious months that we carried them already planning their futures before they took their first breath; maybe you were blessed with a few hours or days after they were born – and maybe you were blessed to have many more years be that 5 years, 9 years, 18 years, 36 years, 55 years – the amount of time really doesn't matter…

So instead of looking back, I hope that we can each find the strength to look forward – to see our child in the sunshine, in the ocean, in the clouds and rain drops and flakes of snow, and in the faces of everyone they touched – some of us are fortunate enough to have young faces smiling back at us that are a result of their short time with us – proudest accomplishments of their love for someone else – what a wonderful gift they’ve given us…

May you find peace and joy in the memories of your child or children who are gone too soon and know that you are not alone in your journey through grief.. reach out and allow another mom, who has walked this road before, help you along your journey…

RESOLUTIONS FOR BEREAVED PARENTS

2012-01-01T00:01:00.003-07:00

I will enter the New Year with Hope
I will let myself cry
I will tell those I care about ~ that I love them
I will remember and let the memories provide smiles
I will share my child with others
I will watch more sunsets and listen to more bullfrogs
I will hold onto my faith
I will take time to reflect on my child’s short, but precious life
I will eat chocolate
I will not bury my grief
I will take time for others
I will take time for myself
I will be kind to myself
I will hold my head high, knowing that I am the parent of a very important and special child or children
I will find value in life and cherish it, thus honoring my child and all that he/she fought for

Most importantly, as I begin this new year, I will continue on and take my child (or children) along with me into the future..

Mixed emotions during the holidays ~ You are not alone

2011-12-31T00:01:00.002-07:00

I want to thank Susan Blantin from LaJolla, CA for sending this to me. Susan’s sister Patrice lost her 13 year old daughter almost 3 years ago in an accident and has found comfort in the services of this clinician. Susan told me that the following a quote from Amber website that her sister Patrice visits (along with ours) – Amber is a Clinical Social Worker and does extensive work and blogging to help with “self healing” using yoga, reiki and other mind & body therapies.… Susuan thought it might help, as it has helped her sister dealing with the mix of feelings the holidays bring to those who might be grieving…Cherie Houston

If you are one of the people for whom the holidays are not so happy (or are perhaps a mix of happy & sad & other stuff), know that you are not alone. I also hope that, as you experience the wide range of human emotion during this holiday time, you can honestly share that with someone who is willing to listen.

Whether you are grieving a recent loss or a more distant one, many people are feeling exactly the same. Maybe it’s time to reach out for a little social contact, maybe it’s time to stay home and rest, or maybe you need a smidge of both. Only you can figure that out for your Self. Denying your Self the right to feel what you feel can have all kinds of negative effects. So pick your favorite self-care strategy or engage in some self-reflection to get you back to your Soul center. It’s right there waiting patiently for you to return. While we struggle with our losses, let us also call to mind the people still here to walk through this life with us.

Whatever your Soul is handling right now, I’m wishing you the grace to let yourself heal and let others in your life know what you need. Be well!

Another trigger that awakens the pain of losing our children

2011-12-29T00:01:00.005-07:00

Today, on what should have been my daughter Robin Marie's 40th birthday, I can't help by wonder what might have been had she not died of SIDS when she was so little. Robin was not quite 8 moths old when she left her dad, and I and her little baby brother Ric (Ric was just 9 1/2 months older than Robin - "Irish Twins" they were always called).

Yes on July 31st, 1972, we began the grieving process for the second time for the second of our children in less than 2 years... Ric's twin sister Randee Marie had died the day after they were born 12 weeks prematurely on March 16th March 1971... And as most of you know, just a little over 2 years ago on September 19th, 2009, our 36 year old son Robert died - We had joyously welcomed Bobby in August 1973, a year after Robin's death.. I've heard it said it's a blessing that we don't know what the future holds, and oh we've all heard all the other cliches - God only gives you as much as you can bear, it was meant to be, thank god you have other children - the endless list of "comments" recited only by those people who have been fortunate enough to have never known this horrific pain..

So today as we lay roses on Robin's grave, where she lays with her baby sister and big brother, there is a little comfort in knowing I'm not alone.. I know too well, that my heartache & grief , as unbearable as it is from time to time, knows no boundaries - race, color, creed, age of children - no death doesn't discriminate - it simply happens...

As my heart aches for my 3 children who all died much too soon and "all that might or should have been", each time another child dies, it "triggers" the paniful grief that hides and buries itself deep inside my soul, a pain that is something we learn to suppress, because I'm sure that if each of us didn't learn to do this, there are days when we wouldn't get of bed, never mind continue on as we must..

But all too often, when another child dies and someone we know (or even may not know) begins their heartbreaking grief journey, that childs death and awakens our pain ~ a pain which comes raging from those depths and that's how I feel today.. Yesterday, while Dan and I were away with 8 of our 9 grandchildren for a mini-vacation, a high school friend of our son Ric, Joshua and his wife Kristin, laid their only daughter to rest; their beautiful 17 year old daughter Molly. Molly turned 17 on Dec 17th, just 5 days prior to her tragic death in a horrible auto accident, on December 21st. Molly was their only baby girl ~ just a senior in high school with her whole life yet to be lived. Molly spent her first Christmas in heaven even before her family had the chance to say goodbye and lay her to rest...

Our Christmas was wonderful this year with our wonderful 9 grandchildren, 4 sons, 5 daughter-in-laws and a wonderful network of extended family and friends. However for our family, and I'm sure many who knew Joshua and Krisitn and their family, we couldn't shake the sense of dread for the pain we knew Joshua, Kristin - their only remaining child Nicholas and their entire family were going through, during what should be a joyous season.

For me, I cried for them not just for these initial few days and weeks which I know are so terribly difficult, but more so for the days, months and years that I know that lay ahead for all of them - the responses to Molly college applications, celebrations of her teams soccer season, graduation in June, when all her friends leave for college in the fall - the list that will ramble on for many many years to come.. Yes the pain that will continue for all those moments yet to come when the "what if's" and "if only's" and "should have beens" will take their breath away for the very sad & heartbreaking wrong reasons...

As the new year approaches, my wish for Joshua and Kristin and for each of you and for myself, is that somehow we will find within ourselves the strength to persevere, to move ahead, to find peace and joy, but accepting the fact that when it is turn for another parent to say goodbye to their child, that like it or not we will relive the pain and the grief, for them and for ourselves and for all that should have been, but will never be...

No, none of knows what the future holds, but it is our responsibility to be there to help ease the pain for those who will need us and to live our lives as happily as we can in memory of and as a testament to our children who have gone too soon, and just as importantly for our family members who are alive and well and deserve our attention and all the love we can muster...

I feel as though I'm babbling a bit, but this year has been a difficult one for our family and many extended family & friends who have sadly goodbye to their young children (most in their 30's and very early 40's-our own children's ages), and it's been difficult sometimes to cope with what we know they are going through and have ahead of them...

I truly hope and pray that as we welcome the New Year in just a few days, that somehow in someway, we will each find peace and a love filled year ahead and find a way to be grateful for all that we still have and all that was...

Poem - "The Year Before Last"

2011-12-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

Most of us can relate to this poem - that moment when we first realize that our child is not going to live in the New Year - it shouldn't shake us to the core, but for many it does - it catches our breath - it brings new tears and sadness, and know that all of those feelings are normal... this poem reflects the feelings so many of us have shared when that moment comes and we realize a new year is ahead, a year in which our child will not participate and that saddens us...

The Year Before Last

~ by Unknown

The holiday season is approaching,
and with it comes the New Year.
Although for me time passes slowly,
New Year's Day will ring in quickly.

I dread this New Year's Day
because they will look at me
in a terribly strange way
when I get misty-eyed,
and talk about something you had done.

After you first left me,
they reasoned when I cried,
"He's only been gone a few months."
And I would catch that look of
understanding in their eyes,
and found some comfort that they knew.

But on last New Year's Day,
my first thought upon awakening was,
Oh God, my son died last year,
not just a few months ago, not even this year,
but last year.
He will never live in this year.

They didn't understand, they didn't reason,
that last year, for me, the loss was still new.
They thought, "It happened last year,
so long ago, why does she still cry?"
I could see it in their eyes.

This New Year's Day, will it be different?
Will my first thought upon awakening be,
Oh God, my son died the year before last,
not a few months ago, not this year or even last year,
but the year before last?
He will never live in this year.

Will they even listen, should I not look them
in the eyes, for fear that I shall see,
"Why is she still crying? It happened so long ago.
It was the year before last."

Those words that we use
to describe the passage of time,
a few months, this year,
last year, the year before last.
They don't know that time stands still for me.

Will they understand that's why I cry?
Don't they know
my son just died ...

the year before last?

My First Christmas in Heaven

2011-12-25T00:01:00.001-07:00

From my family to yours, I wish for you a day of peace & joy filled memories of your precious child. Yes, Christmas will always be very different, but I truly believe that they are all celebrating amongst the angels..

I really don't remember who sent the following poem to me in 2009, that first holiday after Bobby died, but thank you if you ar reading htis... I hope sharing it today, will help each and every one of you find some peace... This is another example of a favorite quote “from the mouth's of babes... “this is certainly one of those and I’m sure reflects the feelings of all our children if they could have spoken to us on their first Christmas in heaven... Cherie Houston

This poem was written by a 13 year old boy who died of a brain tumor that he had battled for four years. He died on December 14, 1997. He gave this to his mom before he died. His name was Ben.

MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart.

But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.

And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.

I sent you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.

Was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, my Father said to do.

I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and Wipe away that tear

Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year

I Will Be There (Tomorrow)

2011-12-24T00:01:00.005-07:00

I want to thank Saundra Blade from Clinton, Indiana for sending me the link to this special website www.angelabode.com/holidayideas.html

This website, started by a mom like us, has ideas and tips from other mom’s who are grieving for their child or children during the holidays… Here is an excerpt and special poem that I loving borrowed from the website, which I believe we can all relate to this Christmas Eve.

May you and your family find peace this Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and I pray we find joy from our memories, even if they are sprinkled with tears.. Cherie Houston

I WILL BE THERE

Sharon J. Bryant

Mom, tomorrow I will be there
Though you may not see
I'll smile and remember
The last Christmas, with you and me

Don't be sad mom
I'm never far away
Your heart has hidden sight
My memory will always stay

I watched as you touched the ornaments
Sometimes a tear was shed as you did
I touched you gently on your shoulder
And on tiptoes I proudly stood

I'm only gone for a little while mom
I'm waiting for the day to be
When God calls out your name mom
We'll be together, just you wait and see

But until that time comes
Carry on as you did when I was there
I tell the angels how much I love you
There are angels here everywhere!

I stand behind you some days
When I know that you are sad
I want you to be happy mom
It would make my heart so glad

So on this Christmas Eve, Mom
Think of me as I will be thinking of you
And touch that special ornament
That I once made for you

I love you mom and dad, also
I know you know I do
And I'll be waiting here for you
When your earthly life is through

Love, Your child in Heaven

It's True-The Holidays Will never be the same again

2011-12-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

~ Excert from Susan Apollon’s book, Touched by the Extraordinary, Book Two: Healing Stories of Love, Loss & Hope

"The holidays will never be the same again," she says. "That is true. But life is change, by its very nature. Little by little you will form a new identity and learn to connect with your lost loved one in a different way. You'll form new memories and new traditions. Grieving well can lead to spiritual growth, which means that life itself can become richer and fuller after a profound loss. You'll never forget the person you lost, but you will find joy—even holiday joy—again."

Realize that miracles really do happen at the holidays. Here's the thing about the holidays, says Apollon. They really are magic. You knew this as a child but may have forgotten it. But spiritual occasions like holidays allow us to step outside the box we live in most of the time and let miracles in.

"Paradoxical as it sounds, grief and holidays are a lot alike," she reflects. "They both help us detach from trivial things and focus on what's important, what's real. Open your mind and heart this year and see what happens. Maybe you'll feel a sense of connection with your loved one who passed on, or maybe you'll feel joy for the first time since your loss. Either one might qualify as a miracle."

"It's healthier to feel the sadness and loss than to detach yourself from it," she says. "It's right and normal to grieve; just don't make it the dominant part of who you are."

Remember, says Apollon, the holidays won't always be such a struggle ~ if you work through your grief instead of repressing it, you'll find joy again.

Hugs from Heaven

2011-12-20T00:01:00.002-07:00

HUGS FROM HEAVEN
~ by Charlotte Anselmo

When you feel a gentle breeze,

caress you when you sigh
It's a hug sent from Heaven,

From a loved one way up high.

If a soft and tender raindrop,

lands upon your nose
They've added a small kiss,

As fragile as a rose.

If a song you hear fills you

with a feeling of sweet love
It's a hug sent from Heaven,

from someone special up above.

If you awaken in the morning,

to a bluebird's chirping song
It's music sent from Heaven,

to cheer you all day long.

If tiny little snowflakes,

land upon your face
It's a hug sent from Heaven,

trimmed with Angel lace.

So keep the joy in your heart,

if you're lonely my dear friend
Hugs that are sent from Heaven,

a broken heart will mend.

Another View of the Holidays

2011-12-18T00:01:00.003-07:00

This next week, which leads up to and includes Hanukkah and Christmas Day for many moms, dads, and grandparents who are grieving the loss of their beloved child or children, grandchild or grandchildren ~ can be quite overwhelming. I keep reminding myself of the words of many “seasoned grievers” that the anticipation is almost always worse than the reality.. This is our 3rd Christmas without our son Bobby, and in some ways it seems to be the most difficult yet...

Yes – one week from today, Christmas Day will be here – Hanukah will be in full swing and I want to share with you an article which I have tucked in my wallet and bring out from time to time, but especially this week, to remind me of two things:

1) To remember and concentrate on the 36 wonderful Christmas Days I had with my son Bobby, for which I will be forever grateful-I wasn’t able to have even one Christmas with either of his little sisters

2) And just as importantly to force myself to focus on my family who are still alive - my husband Dan, our 4 wonderful sons and their families, which include our incredible 9 grandchildren. How can I allow my grief to miss their joy of this season, because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and I wouldn’t want to regret missing this time with them..

So I truly hope this will help you in some small way, as it has helped me since Bobby’s death in 2009… It's not easy, but sometimes if we look at things a little differently, it can help us to overcome our fear and anticipation... Cherie Houston

Another View of the Holidays

~ Written by —Jim Hobbs, Jesse’s Father, Denton, TX, From “Where are All the Butterflies?” – BP/Bereaved Parents

Every time I sit down to write my remarks, I like to believe that I’m a wizened old soul who knows other’s pain and how to soften it. That’s what I’d like to believe; but in truth, I’m only half right. I am an old soul who knows other’s pain. With the anticipation of the approaching holidays in mind, pain may become much greater for bereaved families. Having survived two of the holiday seasons since my son Jesse’s death, I can tell you that in my case, the anticipation was the worst part. When Christmas day ended last year, my wife and I were amazed that it had not been nearly as dreadful as we had imagined that it would be. Jesse has not been with us physically these past two years, but his memory will always be sharing our Christmases.

A part of my Christmas will be spent remembering. Memories certainly don’t erase the pain or make up for the physical absence, but one line from the play Steel Magnolias, was “I’d rather have thirty minutes of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special.” That line reminds me that I have three whole really wonderful Christmas days to remember as long as I live, wherever I go.

Grandparents Grieving at the Holidays

2011-12-15T00:01:00.002-07:00

Worth repeating for all our grandparents who are grieving for their grandchidlren (and their children who are mourning) at this difficult time of year...

Grandparents Grieving at the Holidays

~ Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

"When a grandchild dies, grandparents grieve twice. They mourn the loss of the child and they feel the pain of their own child's suffering. Sometimes we forget about the grandparents when a child dies. You can help by not forgetting, by offering the grandparents your love, support and presence in the weeks, months and years to come."

When a grandchild dies, the grandparent often mourns the death on many levels. The grandparent probably loved the child dearly and may have been very close to him or her. The death has created a hole in the grandparent's life that cannot be filled by anyone else.

Grieving grandparents are also faced with witnessing their child-the parent of the child who died-mourn the death. A parent's love for a child is perhaps the strongest of all human bonds. For the parents of the child who died, the pain of grief may seem intolerable. For the grandparents, watching their own child suffer so and feeling powerless to take away the hurt can feel almost as intolerable.

All of the “year end holidays” – Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza (and other significant days-such as the child’s birthday and anniversary of their death) can be very difficult for grandparents. These holidays and events emphasize again the pain of the grandchild's absence. This pain and sense of loss are natural extensions of the grief process. It can be even more painful when no one seems to “remember” but them. Don’t hesitate to speak of your grandchild – others may not want to make you sad, so they may feel it is better not to mention the name – when you do, it allows them the chance to remember with you…

If you know of a grandparent who has suffered this most horrific loss, remember that parents and grandparents alike almost always enjoy hearing the child’s name and are grateful when others remember their child - Your visits, notes or even a quick phone call from someone who “remembers the child” is so comforting, appreciated and offers healing for their broken heart.. It’s wonderful to use the name of the child who died in your personal note and in talking to the grandparent.

Hearing that name can be comforting, and it confirms that you have not forgotten this important child whom the grandparent loved and misses so much

Holiday Relief

2011-12-13T00:02:00.000-07:00

I continue to be amazed at how many people are reading our blog and from so many different parts of world... WOW is all I can say... and I’m just as amazed and thankful for all the wonderful articles so many of you continue to send to me to share with other moms.. I've been surprised bu the number of articles our readers have sent to us with advice on how to get through the holidays and I’m doing my best to post as many as possible.. Thank you and if I don’t share yours this year, I’m saving each and everyone to share at sometime in the future – so thank you.

I want to thank Deidra Forthingham for the following article. Deidra recently moved to Tempe, AZ from London, England and lost her only child, 14 year old Michael, who drowned while at camp, in August 2003.. Cherie Houston

Finding Relief Through the Holidays

~ by Clara Hinton

Losing a child changes everything about how a family thinks, sees, tastes, touches, and feels life. Experiences become strangely new and at times so different that it is sometimes frightening. Traditions and times of family fun that once seemed so routine, now feel oddly painful and lonely. Families often find themselves seeking ways to get through the holidays, instead of planning for holiday celebrations with past anticipation and joy.

Probably the first coping mechanism, and the most useful, is to accept the fact that losing a child does change things. Families often change best friends, seeking the support of those who can identify with individual as well as collective needs of the family. Sometimes families change churches. Often, worshiping at the same church is an emotional pain that is too hard to bear.

Sometimes family members even change jobs, finding it easier to make the work more bearable with a new beginning. It is, therefore, reasonable and necessary to change some of how the family traditionally celebrated the holidays. Losing a child brings about many changes!

Don't place undue expectations on yourselves as a family. When your child died, a very real part of your identity as a family ended, too. Acknowledge that you are now in the very difficult position of holding fast to memories of someone you loved so very much in order to keep that precious child alive within your family. Not everyone will understand, and that often leaves hurt feelings, distances between friends, and even broken relationships within the extended family. Adjusting to the loss of a child is so very difficult for everyone.

Because you miss your child so much, yet you want to still have your holiday season be a time of celebration and joy, you are faced with a most difficult dilemma. Especially hard is facing the first holiday without your child. There will be a unique emptiness felt by each family member.

By including your child in the holiday, you will find that, even though it is painful, you will also feel some healing with your family take place. Many families have found it very healing to buy a gift for the child who has died. Place a holiday stocking on the mantle, and include small gifts in it such as a family journal, a picture frame, or a memorial candle. It is healing to include your child in the holiday in a special way.

Use the child's name when talking. Give family members permission to cry. Nobody expects you to be a super hero, so don't try to be one. It's healing to say, "I miss my baby so much, and I really wish she was with us!" Hold each other up as a family. When we try to deny our sorrow, often the pain only is intensified. Accept grief as a reality, and help each other through the pain.

Do things different, and don't be afraid to break old holiday traditions. Make this your year to begin a new holiday tradition. Maybe buy one really outlandish gift that can be wrapped and re-wrapped year after year. Continue to include that particular gift in the annual family gift exchange. Think of something different that is unique to you as a family. It will help break the heavy grief, and aid you in finding some momentary relief from your pain of loss.

Remind yourselves as a family that there will be a time when things will feel okay again. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will be able to choose remembering the joy your loved one brought into the family rather than only remembering the grief of the day your child died. When a family celebrates love, the pain becomes less intense, and you will begin to feel relief.

~ Clara Hinton is a Certified Grief Facilitator, founder of The Silent Grief Website, and the author of four books, including Silent Grief. She is the author of a weekly newletter and has contributed to Christian Woman and Church and Family magazines. Clara speaks on college campuses on grief and is a keynote speaker at women's retreats. She has been interviewed on radio stations across the nation and appeared on various TV programs. Clara is a stay-at-home mother of eleven children and wife of 31 years

Today is Special-Join us to Celebrate Your Children

2011-12-11T00:01:00.001-07:00

Please join us this evening, Sunday, December 11th, 2011 at 6pm in Lake Havasu City, AZ for our 10th Annual Lights of Love Candlelight Memorial, a time to honor and remember our children who have died too soon. This ceremony is non-denominational and an opportunity for all parents, grandparents, families and friends to reflect and celebrate the lives and memories of our precious loved ones. There is no fee and the candles will be provided. Everyone in the community is invited.

Where: Calvary Baptist Church Sanctuary, 1605 S. McCulloch Blvd., Lake Havasu City, AZ

Fee: None

Notes: Candles will be provided, no charge

This tradition began in 1997 and continues today by The Compassionate Friends for a Worldwide Candle Lighting which unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, creating a virtual wave of light, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memory of children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries. This event is intended to create a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

For those of you reading our blog in other parts of the US or the world, we would encourage you to check with your local chapter of TCF/The Compassionate Friends, your local church or other bereavement support organization - such as hospice, MADD and others... or check this website...

www.compassionatefriends.org/WCL_Misc/2011_services.aspx

How Can I Handle My Grief During the Holidays?

2011-12-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

Special thanks to Susan Brockerman from Rockland, MD for sending this article to be posted on our blog.. Susan said it was given to her a few months after her 26 year old son Jason died in an auto accident in the spring of 2009, shortly before Easter - a very big holiday celebration time in their family. Since then, each year before Easter and again for Thanksgiving thru New Years, she pulls it out and reads it almost daily; she hopes it might help another mom going through the same heartache at this difficult time of the year … Cherie Houston

How Can I Handle My Grief During the Holidays?

By Jennifer LaRue Huget, Oct. 24, 2008

It's easy to feel isolated during the holiday season when you've lost a loved one. Everyone else seems so happy when you feel so sad.

"It's a tough situation for people" says Dale G. Larson, professor of counseling psychology at Santa Clara University in California. "The key is to acknowledge that you have changed and that the holidays aren't going to be the same. It's important to know that from the outset."

David Kessler, a Los Angeles-based expert on grief and loss who maintains a Web site called grief.com and has collaborated with the late Elisabeth Kubler-Ross on books about death and dying, explains that "Grief is the internal feelings we have, while mourning is an external process. One of the ways we help work through our grief is to externalize it."

Looking for ways to openly acknowledge your grief during the holidays may help you weather them, and perhaps even find joy. (Kessler is an advisor to Tributes.com, a Web site at which people can set up memorials to those they've lost free of charge, access resources about coping with grief, and connect with others who are grieving.)

Here are some suggestions from Larson and Kessler for managing grief during these emotion-filled holiday weeks:

· Give yourself permission to have pleasure. "That's a tough assignment sometimes," Larson says. "Some people feel guilty to have joy or pleasure" when they're mourning. "But you should honor your loved one by allowing joy. They would want that. It doesn't weaken your connection."

· Include the deceased in your conversations and other activities. "Look for excuses to talk about this person you've lost, in ways that honor them. Show people you're okay talking about him if you want to. Go through photos, videos. Have a stocking for him if that's in keeping with your tradition," Larson suggests. "It's a matter of having your loved one involved in ritual. You have to embrace that that's how it's going to be from now on."

· Share your sentiments: "At Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, ask 'Can we start with a prayer for the one who died?'" Kessler suggests. ""Light a candle. Go around the table and have everyone share a favorite memory." If folks at the table aren't so inclined, find a private moment to say that prayer or otherwise honor that memory.

· Develop a Plan A and Plan B: "Let Plan A be 'I'm going to go to Thanksgiving dinner,'" Kessler offers. "Plan B can say that, 'If it's too rough, too hard to be with everyone, I'm going to stay home and watch his favorite movie, take a walk through a favorite place of ours. I'm going to give in to grief if it overwhelms me.'" Kessler says that when people go into holiday events with a Plan A and a Plan B, "They usually make it through dinner. Without Plan B, they feel only emptiness. With Plan B, they feel sadness but not emptiness."

· Cancel Hanukkah or Christmas: "Many find comfort in the holidays, the routine, the deep spiritual connection," Kessler says. "But if it's too hard for you this year, it's really okay to cancel a holiday." Kessler cites the experience of the actor Anthony Perkins's family after Perkins died. "The first Hanukkah or Christmas, they decided to go on with their holiday, no matter what," he says. "But the following year they looked back on that and felt it had been painful and mechanical and hadn't allowed for their grief. So they canceled Christmas the second year." Taking a year off, Kessler explains, lets you and your family "go through your feelings without pressure to be joyful and fun." Starting the third year after Hopkins's death, Kessler adds, his family was able to "create a new Christmas."

· Seek a sympathetic ear: "If you feel you're not able to function, to find balance, to find any distance from the pain, seek help," Larson advises. "Find a grief support group, where you'll find instant empathy from people who have suffered similar losses." Don't like groups? Look for an individual counselor. Or, he suggests, "call your local hospice program and see if they have a support program that you can just drop in on for the holidays."

Quote from Elizabeth Edwards

2011-12-07T00:01:00.013-07:00

A year ago today, Elizabeth Edwards, went home to heaven and a few days later we remembered her here on our blog… On this the first anniversary of her “going home” I thought it fitting to again share one of my favorite "words of wisdom" quotes that this courageous mom shared with the world after the death of her beloved son Wade in 1996 (and as many of you will remember, that is when she retired from being a lawyer) ~

At this challenging time of year, the sentiments of this quote are even more poignant… Cherie Houston

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention their child because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died -- you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift. "

How blessed she was to have her son Wade waiting for her - I'm sure their reunion a year ago was just as wonderful as she'd always imagined.... R.I.P. Elizabeth Edwards ~ you were an inspiration to so many of your “sisters in grief”

Poem about Lighting Candles & Christmas Day

2011-12-05T00:01:00.002-07:00

When The Time Comes For Lighting Festive Candles,

Let Them Remind You Not Only Of What You Lost

But What You Had.

I thought I would share this poem, from the Bereaved Parents archives, about the upcoming holiday season… This was written by Carolyn Bryan ~ John Michael Bryan’s Mother ~ Orange Park, FL

Christmas Day

Christmas is coming, it’s that time of year.
But things won’t be the same this year.
There’s no little boy to be patient and wait
As he tries so hard to anticipate

What he’ll get on that happy day,
When Santa Claus will come his way.
For there are no presents for my little boy,
There’ll be no more games or no more toys.

But even though Santa will pass us by
The memory of you will never die.
For if I close my eyes, I can see,
The way Christmases used to be.

I can see you open each gift with surprise,
I can see the happiness light up your eyes.
Your joy and excitement was a sight to behold.
These are treasures worth more than gold.

Christmas won’t be the same, it’s true
But Christmas will always hold part of you.
For the joy you were, can’t be taken away,
And I’ll remember my son on Christmas Day.

December 11th-6pm - 10th Annual Lights of Love Candlelight Memorial

2011-12-03T00:01:00.002-07:00

Mark your calendar and please join us Sunday evening, December 11^th, 2011 in Lake Havasu City, AZ for our 10^th Annual Lights of Love Candlelight Memorial, a time to honor and remember our children who have died too soon. This ceremony is non-denominational and an opportunity for all parents, grandparents, families and friends to reflect and celebrate the lives and memories of our precious loved ones. There is no fee and the candles will be provided. The community is invited. Please plan to attend our 10^th Annual Lights of Love celebration...

Date: Sunday evening, December 11^th

Time: 6pm

Where: Calvary Baptist Church Sanctuary, 1605 S. McCulloch Blvd., Lake Havasu City, AZ

Fee: None

Notes: Candles will be provided, no charge

This tradition was begun in 1997 and continues today by The Compassionate Friends for a Worldwide Candle Lighting which unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, creating a virtual wave of light, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memory of children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.

Now believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, the Worldwide Candle Lighting, a gift to the bereavement community from The Compassionate Friends (TCF), creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

The Worldwide Candle Lighting started in the United States in 1997 as a small Internet observance but has since swelled in numbers as word has spread throughout the world of the remembrance.

TCF has been joined in recent years by chapters of several organizations including MISS, MADD, Parents of Murdered Children, SIDS Network, Gilda's Club, BPUSA, local bereavement groups, including Journey from Mourning to Joy, churches, funeral homes, hospitals, hospices, children's gardens, schools, cemeteries, and community centers in all 50 states plus Washington D.C. and Puerto Rico . Services range in size from just a few people to nearly a thousand.

For those of you reading our blog in other parts of the US or the world, we would encourage you to check with your local chapter of TCF/The Compassionate Friends or any of the other groups noted above for..

Many groups and organizations are also listing their events on a referral site, provided by the following Link from “The Compassionate Friends List of Candle Lighting's World Wide”:

www.compassionatefriends.org/WCL_Misc/2011_services.aspx

Finding peace and joy during this season

2011-12-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

For so many of us after the death of our children, it seems inconceivable that we can or will ever find joy again of any type, but during the holidays when so many happy and wonderful memories fill our hearts, it seems inconceivable. Our child is gone – how can we be joyous???, what do we have to be joyous about?

When my son Bobby died just over two years ago on September 19th, 2009, my heart was broken and I truly couldn’t imagine that I would ever find joy again – but that was my heart – my heartbroken heart - speaking.

In time however, even that first Christmas - just a few weeks after he died, as I watched his children and all our grandchildren, the logical voice inside me reminded me it was okay not to be joyous right now, but that it was not only possible but probable, that I and all of our family – including Bobby’s wife and two little boys and brothers whose hearts were still so raw and shattered, that in time, we would all find joy again.

Thanksgiving thru New Years, and especially Christmas, has always been my favorite holiday season since I was a child. And through the years I did my best to impart that same joy to my children, 3 wonderful sons, Ric, Bob and my youngest Sean. But, in the early 70’s, almost 40 years prior to Bobby’s death, I had been privileged to have two beautiful little girls: Randee was born in March 16, 1971 and died the following day; and 9 months later Robin was born December 29th of the same year and she died the following summer of 1972. No one could have convinced me I’d ever find joy again, but in time, despite the overwhelming pain and heartaches of their deaths, I learned from my 3 sons and others around me to be happy again and to enjoy not only the holidays, but all of life’s special occasions and blessings.

Yes I did find great joy, but that isn’t to say that when special events happened throughout the years – birthdays, especially my son Ric’s because he was Randee’s twin brother, graduations, proms, first communions, confirmations, weddings and then the births of our grandchildren – despite the joy of those events there were always moments of sadness reminding me of how much I missed the girls, often feeling as though I’d just lost them weeks or months before.

The death of our children changes us forever and no matter what you've read or been told, I believe that our grieving for them will last until we join them. But life does go on, with or without us, and for those left behind ~ our other children and family members, and ourselves ~ it would be even sadder for us not to find joy again.

It's okay and normal to feel as we do as we grieve (and we all know the way we feel changes in a blink of any eye on this journey from mourning to joy), but between those moments of overwhelming sadness, keep a watchful eye out for that little flicker of peace and joy, that if you welcome and allow it, it will continue to grow. I wish you can find a little peace this holiday season and know and believe that joy is possible again, how could it not be..

We were blessed and given the wonderful privilege of having these children in our lives – be it for the months we carried them or the all too few years until their deaths; what incredible gifts we received from them.

I have learned in these two years that our lives are forever changed by Bobby's death - I miss him more than I ever believed possible and my life will always be different - the incredible joy I used to feel, well I'm not sure that will ever return. But this new more subdued joy, is joy nonetheless. And how could there not be joy in my life - I am blessed with an adoring husband, 2 wonderful sons and 2 wonderful step-sons; 5 beautiful daughter-in-laws and 9 of the most amazingly incredible grandchildren anyone could ever ask for and a network of friends and family that have supported us in more ways than I can count... Yes - I am blessed and have countless reasons to find joy each and every day...

So from one grieving heart to another as we enter this month of joyous celebrations - in memory and celebration of our children who are no longer with us, I wish that we each will find peace, joy and happiness again in all that surrounds us and our families, this holiday season. Cherie Houston

Surviving the Holidays While Grieving

2011-11-29T00:01:00.002-07:00

Alright - Thanksgiving is over and hopefully it was not as difficult as you imagined. For many though, the worst of the holiday season is yet to come and yes, like it or not, December 1^st is just a few days away.. That means Hanukkah, Christmas and New Years are fast approaching and we can’t stop them.. Know that no matter how hard this seems, you will get through the holidays and the more you prepare yourself and decide what you can and can’t do, the easier it will be. Be patient with yourself and others, and there is nothing wrong with saying NO.. Cherie Houston

Surviving the Holidays While Grieving

~ By Roslyn Romeny Reynolds

The house lights are twinkling, Christmas trees glimmer out of every front window, and joyous music fills the air, but your heart seems immune to the joy. As much as you want to, you can't feel the happiness this season used to bring. All you feel is--alone. The holidays usually bring family gatherings, hours spent choosing and wrapping special gifts for loved ones, and a wonderful feeling of good will and happiness.

Yet, for one who has lost a loved one, the holidays can be one of the darkest times of the year. It can be painful to remember the special together times the holidays used to bring--and to realize that it will never be that way again.

It can be painful to see others still with their loved ones, to watch as they hold hands, or sit snuggled into each other, and to be reminded yet again that you are alone. Even the good memories can be painful. Each memory can awaken the dull ache in the chest and open the floodgates as tears flow yet again. The sweetness of the memories is in sharp contrast to the emptiness of now.

Others may try to help us by including us in their festivities, but we may not feel 'up' to joining in the celebrations. It's okay to say, "No thanks" if the thought of being at a holiday party turns your stomach. The time will come when you look forward to the chance to go out. Allow yourself to be where you are in your grieving process.

What can we do to lessen the pain, and to increase our ability to feel peace in this, the Season of Peace?

First, realize that it is normal to feel down during the holidays when you've lost a loved one. Don't berate yourself. If you're having a 'down' day, accept it as 'normal', but also admit that tomorrow holds the possibility of being a better day.

Second, reach out. Find someone you can talk to, someone who understands what you're going through, and visit. Share what helps you each get through hard times, and you'll both come away stronger. One woman suggested finding a joke, the cornier the better, to share each week. That way her spirits are lifted, and she brings a smile to the people she shares with, too.

Third, decide that this holiday season, you're going to give yourself a gift. It can be something tangible, that you wrap and put under the tree, or a new idea or habit you are going to implement that will improve your quality of life. Do one thing for yourself that will bring a smile to your face!

Fourth, determine to read uplifting literature this month. The words we read have a great effect upon us, so we are wise to fill our minds with the greatest words ever written. Of course, scripture fits the season perfectly, but in addition, there are hundreds of great books that attest to the potential and actual goodness of humanity. Read something heartwarming, and be lifted! (Of course, one to include each December is Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Better than any movie ever made of it, the book is sure to have you smiling as you read the last line!)

Lastly, find a way to lift someone else. The Christmas celebrations originated, after all, honoring the birth of One who gave His whole life for others. It could be a good deed done anonymously, or you could simply spend time with someone who is lonely or down. It's a generally accepted fact that a sure way to forget your own troubles is to help someone else to forget theirs, if only for a few minutes.

The holidays can be a painful reminder of all that is wrong in our lives. On the other hand, we can do our best to see them as a time to celebrate the Goodness that came into the world two thousand years ago--and to spread some of that goodness through our own life and to all those we come in contact with.

Roslyn Romney Reynolds wrote SOLO - Getting It All Together When You Find Yourself Alone after her husband drowned while on an outing with their three youngest children. She has since interviewed women from many parts of the country who've endured loss and gleaned seven essentials to help move through the grieving process and on to hope and healing after tragic loss.

Her book is available at http://www.roslynreynolds.com/.

Her blog is found at http://www.sistersinhope.com/.

Poem - "Angels in Heaven"

2011-11-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

Angels in Heaven

~ By Tammy L. Tobac 1993 (TCF)

We have angels in heaven
Who look down on us here
while the world all around us says
"Be of good cheer!"

Everyone else is bustling about
We simply watch it go by, yet we just want to shout~
Don't you know it's not merry at this time of year,
when our lives feel so empty and our eyes fill with tears.

We can't bear the thought of another holiday
without our precious loved one who was taken away.

But your child's spirit does live on,
though their physical being may be gone.

Look around and you will see
their soul lives on in your memory.

You'll see your child's eyes so bright
In every twinkling Christmas light.

There are angels in heaven, Who look down on us here
And they are trying to tell us, Don't worry we're near!

We love you and miss you, we'll never be far...
Just look to the sky and the bright Christmas star.

Take a special moment throughout these blessed days
to remember me in the kindest of ways...
Give my smile to a person, who needs it like you,
and my spirit will live on through the things that you do.

This was written by Tammy L. Tobac, 1993, who wrote this for the Compassionate Friends Holiday Candlelighting Ceremony – held throughout the world during the holiday season on the 2^nd Sunday in December for all who have suffered the loss of a child.

Our 5th Annual Retreat - Feb. 24-26th, 2012

2011-11-25T00:01:00.004-07:00

Just a reminder to all that our 5th Annual Retreat is just 3 months away.. We will be discussing this more in the weeks to come and we want to be sure that there is a spot reserved for everyone who wants to join us... Ask anyone who has attended prior retreats and they will tell you why they always return... it is wonderful experience in every respect..

OUR 5TH ANNUAL 2012 JOURNEY TO JOY RETREAT

Please Join Us..

When: 2012 - Friday, Feb 24th at 3pm until Sunday, Feb. 26th at 12N

Where: Stagecoach Trails Guest Ranch, 19985 S. Doc Holiday Rd, Yucca, AZ 86438 http://www.stgr.com/

Cost: $175.00 for weekend, which includes 2 nights lodging, meals and all materials

Balance: Must be paid in full no later than Jan. 15TH, 2012

Checks: Please make checks payable to: "A Journey to JOY," and mailed to:

"A Journey to JOY"

Attn.: Debbie

P.O. Box 980, LHC, AZ 86405

Questions: please contact Joyce Floyd - texaslady@rraz.net

Registration forms are available at the weekly meetings or email us and we will gladly email or mail you the forms... Remember, space is limited so reserve your spot now...

We are grateful that each and every mom participating in this weekend agrees to take part in all the events planned, including the presentation by our special guest and the Candlelight Ceremony, so that together we can continue on our journey....

Unanimously we agree this is a great spot for rest & relaxation, but this wonderful spot is chosen for our annual retreat, not as a spa weekend, but a special place of healing for moms wanting to partake in all that is offered to help them on their special journey to joy..

Prayer for a peace filled Thanksgiving Holiday

2011-11-23T00:01:00.002-07:00

Since my son Bobby's death in 2009, Thanksgiving Dinner is very difficult. I want to share my goal this year as I/we sit down for Thanksgiving Dinner.. Despite the tragic loss of our child or children, maybe this year, we can find the strength to focus on the blessings our children brought into our lives while they were with us, whether our children were lost prior to birth or shortly after, or lost well into adulthood, try to remember the blessed memories they gave us and for this day, try not to focus on our loss of them, but the blessings of their being...

I hope the following prayer will help you thank God and also ask for the strength and courage we all need need during this difficult holiday season and in the months and years ahead as we continue on this journey from mourning to joy.....

From my family to yours, I hope you have a peace filled Thanksgiving - Cherie Houston

Dear Father in Heaven,

As we gather together this Thanksgiving, we thank you for all the blessings you’ve bestowed upon us, you have given us so much to be grateful and thankful for. But you know, this day brings a mix of emotions for all of us gathered here, our hearts are broken and filled with a tremendous emptiness and sadness that the death of our child has brought to us and to our family.

We ask that you give us the strength and courage to dry our inconsolable tears and to instead find joy, peace and happiness in our memories. Please teach us to savor the moments we have with one another, to remember what we have lost, but to see what we still have and to look forward in hope to what is ahead in our futures..

Thank you for being there for us through this terribly painful journey. Although we seem so angry at times, know that we feel your goodness in all the help and support we continue to receive from our wonderful family and friends. Yes, our world is upside down - the order of what we believed life to be is totally out of order, and we are angry that we can’t do anything to right it again. You know and understand our overwhelming pain...

Allow us to be more patient with those around us who don’t know what to stay or do, who stumble and look away when they see us and pretend nothing has happened. Allow us to feel calm and most of all allow us to treasure our memories and find joy in them again.

Yes, thank you Father for all the blessings you’ve bestowed on us and our family, especially for giving us the time with our child, although it was much too brief. Please continue to give us comfort and peace today, through the upcoming holiday season and the days and years ahead. In your name, Amen

Reclaiming Our Joy

2011-11-21T00:01:00.000-07:00

~ Linda L. Flatt ~ November 1998

A Basic Plan for Surviving the Holidays After The Loss Of A Loved One

Shortly after my son's suicide in 1993, a wise counselor told me not to let that death take away my joy. At the time, those words fell on deaf ears. But, as the days passed and healing began, his guidance became my mission - to somehow reclaim my joy after experiencing the incomprehensible suicide death of my child.

The powerful and overwhelming emotions that embody the grieving process tend to be magnified during the holidays - a time when memories of our missing loved ones are especially painful. Family gatherings are wearying reminders of the stark reality of our loss. Here are some steps that we can take together to endeavor to recover our God-given joy during a difficult holiday season.

Decide to Prepare: Plan ahead for the pitfalls of holiday bereavement. Educate yourself in the fine art of surviving the holidays and equip yourself for the season. Beware of the expectations of others and choose to get through the holidays YOUR WAY!

Determine to Feel: Give yourself permission to grieve during the holidays instead of "stuffing" or denying your emotions. Resist the urge to "shut down" emotionally until next year. Trust me, the feelings will still be on that shelf on January 1st, and they will, more than likely, be even more powerful and destructive than they were in December.

Commit to Connect: Choose to be around safe, supportive people during the holidays - people who will let you have your grief. Try to stay connected to God at a time when you may want to run in the other directions and isolate yourself to ease your pain. We serve a loving, comforting God and there is great healing in His community and those who love and care about us. Reach out and take the light and love that others offer during the holidays - and, in turn, give whatever you can to those who reach out to you.

Holiday Family Gatherings

2011-11-19T00:01:00.003-07:00

Families gather for both sad and happy occasions. Happy times and sad times often bring families closer together.

During the Holidays, just like weddings, graduations families gather to celebrate. During these times, everyone is expected to be happy. Relatives and friends want you to join in as you have in the past. But now, without your child, it is difficult - painful - and in that first year, often impossible..

For many, having family around is healing to have their support; for others these gatherings can be overwhelmingly painful reminders of the child that is and will never again be present.

Yes, family and friends usually provide the most comfort and listen as we try to cope with the loss of our child. But even the closest of relatives and friends cannot completely understand the hurt we feel - Preparing for what is to come can help make these gatherings easier for you...Remember...

Friends and relatives want...

to take your pain away ...
to offer you HOPE for better times ...
to see you "back to normal again" ...
to help you "forget about what happened."

But try to realize and accept BEFORE the gatherings that...

no one can take your pain away ...
there will be better times, but they will be different without your child ...
your life does not feel like it will ever be "normal" again ...
your heart is breaking and it's okay to be sad and cry...
you will never forget your child...

But know that with time, you will find:

a new normal
new traditions or modify those you've had in the past
Joy, although very different, joy will return to your heart again
and build new memories
peace and rejoice in the memories of your child…

Remember to be patient with yourself and others...

Announcement: National Survivors of Suicide Day & Heartbeat

2011-11-17T11:00:00.003-07:00

For those of you who have lost a child or any family member or friend by suicide, we want to be sure you are aware of HEARTBEAT, a support group that meets the 2nd Wednesday of every momth in Lake Havasu City and the 2nd Tuesday of every month in Kingman (details below)...

In addition to these meetings, they have a special event coming up this Saturday, November 19th, 2011, which is the 13th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day, which will be held at Cavalry Baptist Church... and as always, if you know of other parents who might find these helpful, please be sure to pass this along to them...

HEARTBEAT/LAKE HAVASU CITY
Meets: LHC Community Center, Room 152
100 Park Ave., LHC
2nd Wednesday of every month, 7-8:30pm ~ October – April

HEARTBEAT/KINGMAN
Meets: First Southern Baptist Church

3120 Hualapai Mountain Road-Kingman
2nd Tuesday of every month, 7-8:30pm ~ October – April

For more information about the bi-monthly meetings or the upcoming 12th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day, Call: Judy or Dan at (928) 854-0113 OR (928) 208-0129 or email them at jdhoppes@frontiernet.net

13th ANNUAL NATIONAL SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE DAY
November 19, 2011
10:30am-3pm (Lunch provided)
11am: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Telecast

Presented By: Heartbeat of Lake Havasu

Location: Calvary Baptist Church 1605 McCulloch Blvd S Lake Havasu City, AZ 86406
Fee: None (Donations accepted)
A Memory Board will be available if you would like to bring a picture of your loved one. Please include name, birthdate and date of loss. The picture will be returned to you at the end of the day.

NATIONAL SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE DAY

Every person who dies by suicide leaves behind survivors—loved ones left shocked, grieving and struggling to understand and cope with their heartbreaking loss. Many survivors feel isolated and alone, wondering if anyone understands their pain.

In 1999, United States Senator Harry Reid, a survivor of his own father’s suicide, brought the challenge of coping with suicide loss into the national spotlight by introducing Senate Resolution 99, which declared the Saturday before Thanksgiving “National Survivors of Suicide Day.”

Each year on National Survivors of Suicide Day, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) reaches out to survivors through local survivor conferences held simultaneously in communities throughout the world, which are all linked by a live broadcast. This unique network of healing conferences connects survivors within their own communities and across the globe. For many, National Survivors of Suicide Day is the first time they’ve ever met anyone else who has lost someone to suicide.

The broadcast includes a blend of emotional support and information about resources for healing. “Veteran” survivors and mental health professionals address the questions that so many survivors face: Why did this happen? How do I cope? Where can I find support? Since many survivors also find it helpful to understand something about the science of suicide prevention and bereavement, the program also includes a brief presentation of research highlights by mental health professionals.

HEARTBEAT is a member of the following (websites listed):
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, A national research organization,
http://www.afsp.org/

The American Association of Suicidology, A national organization dedicated to the study and reduction of human self-destruction. http://www.suicidology.org/

and

Suicide Prevention Action Network http://www.spanusa.org/

10 Tips to Survive the Holidays After Your Child Dies (Part 2 of 2)

2011-11-17T00:01:00.001-07:00

As we mentioned on Tuesday, the following tips were published by Patricia Loder, executive director of The Compassionate Friends. “It is difficult for those who have not gone through the death of a child to understand the depth of despair which such a loss brings.” Mrs. Loder, whose two young children died in a car crash in 1991, says there are many tips that can help a grieving family prepare for the holidays - but this list of ten (5 on Tuesday and these remaining 5) are ten suggestions that she has found helpful...

Tips 6 - 10:

6) Surviving children should be included in your plans. They, too, mourn their sibling, but need a normalcy the holidays can provide.

7) If you don’t get everything done you plan, be easy on yourself. Grief is tough work and you should never feel guilty for not getting everything done.

8) If you must shop for others, find a time when the stores are not extremely busy like early morning, order through the Internet, or ask others to shop for you.

9) Participating in a memorial service, such as The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting the second Sunday in December, can be very meaningful. This can be done in a formal service with others or through a short private candle lighting in the privacy of your home.

10) Remember that the fearful anticipation of an approaching holiday is usually worse than the day itself.

“Many people believe they can escape the holidays by leaving home on a vacation,” adds Mrs. Loder. “This rarely helps because grief can never be left behind and it is important to have the support of relatives and friends.

Talking with others who have also lost a child can help those facing grief to understand they are not alone. Others have survived the holidays and they will, too.”

10 Tips to Survive the Holidays After Your Child Dies (Part 1 of 2)

2011-11-15T00:01:00.001-07:00

When a child has died, the holidays are a very difficult, stressful time for the family. While others are enjoying the festive atmosphere, bereaved families are faced with the specter of an empty chair at the holiday dinner, and the dilemma of whether to hang their missing child’s stocking. Here are ten tips from an expert, a bereaved parent herself, to help grieving families survive the holidays. Oak Brook, IL (PRWEB) November 14, 2005

With Thanksgiving in ten days, a week from Thursday, and the normally festive holidays around the corner, millions of families throughout the United States that have lost a child are struggling with how they can simply survive to see the new year.

“The stress that bereaved parents, siblings, and grandparents face during the hustle and bustle of the holidays can feel overwhelming,” says Patricia Loder, executive director of The Compassionate Friends (an international self-help organization for bereaved parents and families where more seasoned grievers help support the more newly bereaved). “It is difficult for those who have not gone through the death of a child to understand the depth of despair which such a loss brings.”

Mrs. Loder, whose two young children died in a car crash in 1991, says there are many tips that can help a grieving family prepare for the holidays.

1) Plan ahead. Realize you will not be able to do everything with everyone. Decide what is truly important to you and your family.

2) Don’t be afraid to ask friends for help. Tasks which may normally take little effort can feel overwhelming, whether it’s fixing a meal, cleaning the house, or putting up decorations.

3) No one expects you to string rows and rows of lights just to prove you have the holiday spirit. If you don’t feel up to past efforts, you may simply want to place an electric powered candle in your window in memory of your child.

4) Just because you’ve hosted holiday gatherings in the past doesn’t mean you’re obligated to this year. Others will understand.

5) After a child dies, old traditions are often left behind and new ones that incorporate the child who died can take their place. Honor the memory of your child in unique ways that have meaning to you.

Part 2 will be posted on Thursday, Nov. 17th, 2011

Reminder-This weeks Meeting-Thursday, Nov. 17th

2011-11-14T00:01:00.001-07:00

Our meeting this coming Thursday, November 17th, will be a little different - it will be a "Brown Bag Brunch" as we prepare for the Thanksgiving holiday.

We want to remind all moms attending this weeks meeting, 10am-12N, to each bring a "brown bag lunch/brunch and drink" and we will meet in our usual rooms, #153 & #154 at the Lake Havasu City Aquatic center.

This meeting will be more casual than usual, as we enjoy each other's company and our "brunch" visiting and sharing memories of our children. We would encourage everyone attending to bring pictures, a scrap book, memory book, a story, etc. to share about their children.

As always, if you know of a bereaved mom or grandmother, who might benefit from our meeting, please feel free to invite them and bring them with you and always feel free to share our Group/Blog Newsletter with them..

The Holidays Are Coming....

2011-11-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

Until January 2nd, we will be focusing our posts on "surviving the holidays" - it's not an easy task, no matter the age of our child or children then they died or how they died - it is a challenge every holiday season, but especially for those moms and grandmothers who are just in the first year of their journey... No, these articles won't change what you are going through, but we hope they will help you find a way to get through them - to know it is OK to say NO to invitations - and that no matter what you are feeling - you are normal and not crazy... Grieving for our children hurts - it is the price we pay for loving them so much, so although we can't change anything for you - know we will be here to support each other and together we will get through the season... Cherie Houston

The Holidays Are Coming....

~ By Mary Cleckley, BP/USA Member

It’s getting to be that time of year. The holidays are almost upon us, as though you haven’t noticed!

Those of you who are approaching your first Thanksgiving, Christmas or Hanukkah without your child are probably already anticipating them without glee. Know that is OK and you are normal.

All of us who have gone through those first of many holidays without our children understand how you feel. I don’t know of any way to avoid that apprehension. It is part of the experience of losing someone you love. I can tell you that the fear of the unknown is one of the worst fears there is. Once you have gone through those special family-oriented times without your child or children, it is an unknown no longer.

In the future, though you may not enjoy them in the same way you once did, at least you know how it feels. You will be able eventually to help yourself and your family discover ways of approaching and observing these days so that they are less traumatic.

I found I got in the worst trouble when I allowed myself to get so far into the future. Worry about this day because this is the only day you have to get through right now., Though you may not think so now, you will once again find something for which to be thankful. It takes time. Be patient. We hope you will find some peace in the weeks ahead.

Veteran's Day Prayer

2011-11-11T00:01:00.002-07:00

I want to thank Jan Amarda from Birmingham, Alabama for sending me the following prayer honoring all of our veterans...

VETERAN’S DAY PRAYER
By Joanna Fuchs

Dear Lord, Today we honor our veterans,
worthy men and women who gave their best
when they were called upon
to serve and protect their country.

We pray that you will bless them, Lord,
for their unselfish service in the continual struggle
to preserve our freedoms, our safety,
and our country’s heritage, for all of us.

Bless them abundantly for the hardships they faced,
for the sacrifices they made
for their many different contributions
to America’s victories over tyranny and oppression.

We respect them, we thank them,
we honor them, we are proud of them,
and we pray that you will watch over these special people
and bless them with peace and happiness.

Amen.

How to Survive Burying Your Child

2011-11-08T00:01:00.001-07:00

I am always so grateful when we receive articles from other moms, grandmothers and parents who have journeyed this road before us ... A dad, David Piedmont, sent me this saying that it truly helped him and his wife - they received it sometime ago when their 22 year old son died and he thought it might help other parents as it did them... He siad there was no indication as to the author, so I apologize that I'm not able to give credit to whomever wrote it, but we do thank you - and we want thank David for sharing it... Cherie Houston

Burying our child cuts to the soul - We as parents know that someday our children will have to have a funeral service or memorial service for us. That's how we somehow assumed life should be. That isn't how it always is. Children (whether Babies or Adult children) often times die before us, leaving us shell-shocked and empty.

There is no one way to survive a child's death. Everyone of us was given a unique personality, and trying to live up to an image of what you think others think you should be feeling will not work. There are so many stages to grief. The shock of the news that your child has died, is God's way of insolating us for the months or years to come

I personally lingered in the valley of the shadow of death much longer than my husband did. He had to get up 3 days after her funeral and go back to work; he wasn't given time to grieve like I was, because He felt he had to be strong for me. How I survived was like the AA's moto, live one day at a time, although I must admit sometimes it was all I could do to live one moment. Survival is a personal soul and gut wrenching process

Do not expect too much of yourself for the first year or two or maybe even longer. People around you will be uncomfortable and not know how to react or act. Should they bring up your childs name? Should they ask how you are? Should they act as if nothing happened? It was so devastating that there were many times I can't believe I've lived through it all and sometimes I wonder why I did.. The excruciating pain stayed with me for many months. My duaghter was 8 months old when she died, yet her death -her very short life here on earth, has profoundly affected me more in my lifetime than any other event to happen since..

Talk to your child..I spent hours at her gravesite talking to a tombstone. I felt solace there. I understand now, that my survival mode is different than yours may be. All I know, is that 30 years later, I am still here, with the same husband who shares the same tie to the same little girl, who we both wonder about and on occasion have our moments of grief

Keep some things for yourself for the years to come. Maybe their baby book which you can look at from time to time to acknowledge their existence. I keep a copy of her obituary tucked away in my Bible, not to look at and be sad, but as a reminder of how far we have come, and how thankful we are that she was born

Talk to others who have experienced a similar grief – no their circumstances won’t be the same as yours – nor yours theirs, but often times this will help you to know you can and will survive – it will help you to know that what you are feeling is totally normal – no matter the circumstances there is no one way to grieve – there is no set time limit on what is “normal” but having someone else hold your hand who has journeyed this same road can be powerful in allowing you to grieve in your own way…

Adapting to the loss of a loved one

2011-11-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

~ by Wendy Bridger

Have you ever sat down and played a piano where one of the keys wasn't working? Or made cookies and left out an ingredient? Perhaps you've started listening to a favorite CD, and just when it gets to your favorite part of your favorite song, you realize that there is a scratch in it.

In some ways, losing a loved one is similar. Here you are going easily through life, and then, BAM, they are gone and life will never be the same. That piano piece sounds different because the middle C is broken, the cookies just aren't the same, and at times, we are frustrated like we are when our CD gets scratched.

Unfortunately, with the loss of a loved one, it is more difficult to fix than the piano or the batch of cookies, and your loved one was irreplaceable, unlike the CD. Short and simple, this is what grieving is: learning to cope with the loss of someone who was apart of what made us what we are. So, what do we do? How do we go on after they are gone? I have a few suggestions that might help you through.

First of all, just as each of us has different personalities, each of us grieves in a different way. There is no right or wrong way to feel or act, as long as you are not endangering yourself or others. Some of us cry. Others of us bury ourselves in work or hobbies. If the person is still living and only the relationship has changed, it is very easy for us to do all we can to change things back to how they used to be. At times, it may take a while to truly even admit that they are gone. We just might feel numb. Some of us might even feel guilty if we don't feel sad enough! So, take your feelings and actions for what they are and be patient with yourself. After all, you have just lost a part of what makes you who you are.

Also, find a way to transition your loved one into your new life¹. My father in law lost his dad last year and he hung a picture of him up in the living room to remember him. Others write goodbye letters to their loved one, giving themselves a chance to tell them things that they never got to say. Some of us keep a little box full of pictures and memories only to be taken out when we want to remember them, because remembering them all the time would be too overwhelming. I had a friend who's little brother died. She got married on his birthday as a way to include him at her wedding. Once again, it depends on you and your relationship with the one you loved. For instance, burning every picture you had of an ex-boyfriend might be the perfect way to transition.

Another thing, you usually don't ever "get over it." Your loved one is gone. If you no longer have an ingredient to make cookies, it's easy to realize that replacing it with a different ingredient would not make the cookies start tasting like they used to. To expect that you will be able to replace your loved one is also unrealistic. This reality may sound even more depressing. Frankly, I love chocolate chip cookies, and the idea of not ever having one again is quite upsetting! But in time, if I had to, I could grow to love other sweets, like banana bread, sweet potato pie, or brownies. So, even if you aren't going to get over it, in time, you will adapt to the loss and find fulfillment through other experiences and relationships.

So, be patient with yourself. Losing someone isn't easy. It turns your life upside down. Naturally, it's going to take a while to pick up the pieces and transition to life without your loved one. Remember, Beethoven composed some beautiful music after losing his hearing, and you will find happiness and fulfillment again in your life after losing your loved one.

¹Wordern, J.W. (1991). Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A guidebook for the Mental Health Practitioner. Springer Publishing

Remember & Honor Your Children Today

2011-11-01T00:01:00.003-07:00

Since my first child, Randee Marie died in March 1971, the most common fear I've heard repeatedly from moms (and dads) of children who have died, is the fear that their child will be forgotten.. That thought is almost as unbearable as the actual loss of the child... It’s important to us, that our child, no matter their age, never be forgotten..

The images I'd seen growing up of "The Day of the Dead" celebrations used to make me squeamish!!! But now that I understand the celebrations and reasons for them, I'm in awe and have a new respect for these special days - Yes, now that I know their intent is to honor and remember our family members who have died, I'm appreciative of this wonderful reason to celebrate. Imagine, a whole day when we are encouraged to speak our child or children's names, to talk of them and all that they meant to us - yes to celebrate them!!... So if you, like me, don't understand very much about this tradition, I hope you'll allow me to share what I've learned...

I was raised Catholic, so I knew that in most countries with a Roman Catholic heritage, All Saints Day and All Souls Day were religious holidays, days when we went to mass and silently said a prayer for those who had died. I was truly surprised to learn that in many countries, these "holy days" are truly celebrated - people actually take the day off work, go to cemeteries with candles and flowers, and give presents to children, usually sweets and toys and spend the entire day remembering those who have died.. Until I began researching the "Day of the Dead" and "All Souls Day", I didn’t realize that many, if not most, cultures around the world have a specific day set aside to visit the graves of deceased family members and their traditions often include celebrations, food and beverages, in addition to their open prayers and remembrances of the departed.

We all know that death is a part of life, it is something none of us can or will avoid; we will each lose family members and friends - then why is it, that so many people seem to avoid any aspect of the subject of death, never mind actually talking about a specific family member who has died.. And if you want to see real panic – mention your child who has died?? Is it me – why is it if I mention the names of any of my children who have died, panic seems to set in to those aound me.. they have funny looks on their faces? Do you get that same reaction?

There are times when I've mentioned that I’ve had children who have died, I immediately feel the chill!! And I know that most of those around me, hope I will quickly change the subject to the weather, sports or even the latest tabloid headline... anything - just change the subject!!!

So maybe that is why “The Day of the Dead” celebrations in Mexico, Latin and South America began to intrigue me... Did you know by the way that these celebrations, intended to celebrate and honor family members who have died, have gone on for as long as 2,500–3,000 years.

Did you know that typically November 1st (“Day of the Innocents” or “Day of the Little Angels”) honors children and infants; whereas deceased adults are honored on November 2nd, similar in the same Christian culture as All Souls Day.

During this time family and friends go to cemeteries to be with the souls of the departed, here or at home they will build private altars containing the favorite foods and beverages as well as photos and memorabilia of the departed, flowers and other gifts. They hope to encourage visits by the souls and they are anxious for the souls to hear the prayers, praise, comments and memories of the living directed to those who have died. How wonderful that some celebrations will take a humorous tone, as the living remember funny events and anecdotes about the departed.

These traditions vary in different regions, but almost all have different traditions for children who have died, verus adults. Typically on November 1st of the year after a child's death, the godparents set a table in the parents' home with sweets, fruits, pan de muerto, a cross, a rosary (used to ask the Virgin Mary to pray for them) and candles. This is meant to celebrate the child's life, in respect and appreciation for the parents. There is also dancing with colorful costumes, often with skull-shaped masks and devil masks in the plaza or garden of the town - then at midnight on November 2, the people light candles and if there is a lake or river near by, they wil sail winged boats called mariposas (Spanish for "butterflies") to the other side, to honor and celebrate the lives of their children...

In many American communities – especially Texas, Arizona and throughout the southwest where Mexican influence is very strong, Day of the Dead or All Souls Celebrations are held and they are very similar to those held in Mexico. As varied as the traditions may be - remembering those who have gone before them is the main focus. Yes they may build alters in their homes and burn candles; they might brightly decorate their loved ones place of rest; they always share memories of those who are gone; many will march together wearing masks and carrying signs honoring their dead; some may carry an urn in which people can place slips of paper with prayers on them to be burned for the souls for the dead – but the one thing they will do, this year and for years to come, that warms my heart, is to remember those who have gone before them – remember them and honor them...

Personally, I think that the “Day of the Dead” or “All Souls Day” should be a world-wide celebration – a day when we can openly celebrate and remember those who have gone before us.. Because to me, and for all of us who remain behind, knowing that our children and all family members, will always be remembered in the future, is a very comforting and peaceful thought...

So today, I will remember my children: Randee Marie, Robin Marie, and Bobby Wood and I will also remember your children - I will light a candle and keep it burning today in memory of all our children. I will rejoice in what they meant to each of us and celebrate that they were part of our lives and responsible for making us who and what we are today.. Yes today and for years to come, I will celebrate "Day of the Dead" and "All Souls Day" as it should be celebrated as a day of honor and remembrance... Cherie Houston

The holidays are coming

2011-10-28T00:01:00.001-07:00

There’s no avoiding it – the holidays are coming and to those of us who have lost children, the thought is often overwhelming...

Halloween is Monday; Thanksgiving is 4 weeks from today and the approaching holiday reminders for Hanukkah, Christmas and the impending New Year are everywhere we look. When we lose a child, whether our child was that magical much awaited infant we were carrying and yet to be born, or our adult child, or all those blessed children of ages in between – our children give us hope of things to come ~ they are our promise of the future…

Our children’s deaths bring with them a sense of loss of so many things what might have been and the holidays are just another stark reminder of what will never be – of that lost future…

As we walk into the stores with all the holiday decorations (and soon it will be the dreaded holiday music), or Monday as we open the door for those little trick-or-treaters we envision what our child might have been or what they were when they were that age; the blessings and memories that are recalled around the Thanksgiving table are bittersweet for sure; and the magic of Hanukkah and Christmas are changed forever – as is the anticipation of the wonderful New Year ahead that is celebrated on New Years eve, many of us feel a sense of dream when the realization sinks in that a new year is coming, one during which our child will never be a part…

Yes, when our children die, certain hopes and dreams die with them and whether your child died this year or years ago, the pain this time of year is acute and your emotions become raw.. During the next 9-10 weeks we will post a variety of articles about coping with the holidays season.

As much as we’d like to run from the holidays or get into bed and cover our heads until they are over – neither of those are realistic options… So instead, we hope to share some tips from other moms and parents who have made this journey before us, tips that they found helpful to ease the heartache that often accompanies the holiday season....

If you have suggestions that you found made the holiday seasons easier, we’d love to hear from you.. Cherie Houston

Our Weekly Meetings Begin Thursday, Oct 27th, 2012-10am

2011-10-25T00:01:00.001-07:00

We want to remind all of our moms in Lake Havasu City, that our weekly meetings will resume this Thursday morning, October 27th 10am-12N at the LHC Aquatic Center in Rooms #153 & 154.

We look forward to seeing you all and as always ask that if you know of one of our members who does not have email or a newly bereaved mom or grandmother who might benefit from our group, please invite them to join us.

For those of our members who have not yet arrived in Lake Havasu, we wish you safe travels and look forward to seeing you when you return...

Reminder - it's time to turn in those registrations & monies for our 5th Annual - 2012 Retreat, “Circle of Love, Circle of Life, Circle of Friendship” for Bereaved Moms and Grandmothers:

Dates: Friday-Sunday, Feb 24th-26th, 2012
Where: StageCoach Trails Ranch in Yucca, AZ
Cost: $175, includes lodging for the two nights/three days, dinner Friday night, breakfast, lunch and dinner on Saturday, and breakfast Sunday morning & all materials.

Registration forms will be available at our meeting (or email me and I will gladly you send you the forms).

We hope to reach all of our moms, so please feel free to pass the word about our meetings and the upcoming retreat...

Special note:
Joyce wants to thank each of you again for your tremendous support and understanding and for respecting her privacy since Don's passing on September 5th; sadly we all know too well how difficult these first few weeks and months are and I'd ask that you continue to keep Joyce and her family in your prayers that God will give them the strength they need now and in the coming months...

A Step-Parent's Grief

2011-10-23T00:01:00.003-07:00

I received the following article from one of our moms who felt that the message needed to be shared and I agree. Step-parents - whether they be moms or dads - are often overlooked during the grieving process. I'm not saying it is done intentionally - but most people have a difficult enough time dealing with the "natural parents" of a child who has died, so it may be even harder for them to comprehend the pain that a step-parent may be experiencing...

My husband Dan and I have been married for a little more than 14 years. Prior to our marriage and creating our wonderful blended family, Dan and I had been neighbors for 20 years. I had recently divorced and Dan's beloved wife Irene of 25+ years died of breast cancer in Nov. 1993. During our 20 years as neighbors, the 4 of us were such close friends sharing holidays, vacations, our children's accomplishments and his 2 boys and my 3 sons, had truly grown up together..

I've never doubted how broken Dan's heart was when Bobby died 2 years ago or since.. Dan has shared my grief every step of this journey - his love for Bobby was real and deep.. But when I read Menna's story, I was sure that during this journey, that Dan probably felt the same way she did.. I hope it has helped give me new insight into the grief of other step-parents... Cherie Houston

A Step-parent’s grief ~ by Menna

I knew my stepson for the last two thirds of his life. He kept in touch with his father and me on a regular basis although he never lived with us. After he died, differences in the grieving process seemed small, as the knowledge I have of my stepson’s early life arises from memories which my husband has related to me. My sense of loss for this period is ‘second-hand’ and contained within my imagination.

I never knew my husband without his son and daughter. So, as far as I was concerned, his children were part of him. I could see his likeness in them. Therefore, when my stepson died I felt as if part of my husband had also been permanently removed. I soon became afraid that the whole of my husband would be lost and I felt panicky if I was away from him for very long. I could see how much my husband was affected by his loss and how much he seemed to have aged.

I was now grieving the loss of my stepson and the loss of the husband I knew. People often asked me how my husband was doing, but did not enquire so much about me. I found this question very difficult to answer because my loss was different to his. Eventually, I tried to think how I was managing, and then told people that was how my husband was doing. Many seemed to think I would be strong for my husband, but it was as if they didn’t know that I was devastated too.

I feel I am perhaps in a similar position to spouses of people diagnosed with a long term illness, or of a person sent to prison. My life has changed because of the crisis in my loved ones life. We are married and operate as a unit, not as individuals.

Just for Today (Section 6 of 6)

2011-10-19T00:02:00.002-07:00

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,

for deep in my heart I know

if there was anything in this world I could have done

to save my child from death,

I would have done it.

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

Kelly mentioned when he posted this series "I have spoken to 100′s of grieving dads and the one thing we all have in common is guilt. We find so many ways to blame ourselves for what happened to our children. We go back and rethink things over and over. ”If I would have done this different” or “I should have been there for them”. There are so many ways we find to blame ourselves. However, like this section of poem says, “deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.” If only for today you can find away to forgive whatever it is your thinking about, please try to do it. I believe guilt is a great destroyer" ~ Kelly Farley,

You can Email Kelly at: Kelly@GrievingDads.com

Just for Today (Section 5 of 6)

2011-10-17T00:01:00.002-07:00

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child,

for they are hurting too,

and perhaps we can help each other.

for the next several days, I will continue to post a separate section from this powerful poem "Just for Today" to ponder....

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

Just For Today (Section 4 of 6)

2011-10-15T00:01:00.002-07:00

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside

for maybe if I smile a little,

my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

For the next several days, I will continue to post a separate section from this powerful poem "Just for Today" to ponder....

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

Just For Today (Section 3 of 6)

2011-10-13T00:01:00.001-07:00

Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends

who didn’t help or comfort me the way I needed them to.

They truly did not know how.

Just for Today (Section 2 of 6)

2011-10-11T00:01:00.001-07:00

Just for today I will remember my child’s life,

not just their death, and bask in the comfort of all

those treasured days and moments we shared.

Just for Today (Section 1 of 6)

2011-10-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child’s death, but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

For the next several days, I am going to post a separate section from this powerful poem "Just for Today" to ponder....

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

REMEMBERING

2011-10-06T00:01:00.001-07:00

REMEMBERING
~ BY Ken Falk, TCF, Central CT

Will there ever be a day when I will be able to go to a graduation,

an engagement party, a wedding, cut a birthday cake, see a nephew,

a niece, or a grandchild? Toast a New Year, hide an Easer egg,

hang a Christmas stocking, or enjoy a lazy Sunday afternoon

without remembering and wondering what might

have been…

and if that day ever comes, will I feel
better or worse?

Help a Friend whose Grieving their Childs Death

2011-10-04T00:02:00.001-07:00

I want to thank Paula Evans from Shreveport, Louisiana for sending me the following article. Paula was searching the internet and found our blog which she reads often. When Paula found the following article she thought it might help others in her situation, who just don't know how or what to do to help a friend-in Paula's case it is her closest friend, who lost her 2 yr. old son in a horrible accident this past summer.. Thank you Paula...

~ Written by Robbie Miller Kaplan

The death of a child is a devastating loss and a life-changing event. It’s hard to know what to say to comfort the bereaved parents. Friends and loved ones may think the parents know best what they need so they might ask the bereaved to call if they need anything. While the sentiment is sincere, when asking, “Please call me,” it places a burden on someone grieving a loss; someone who can barely muster the energy to get out of bed in the morning.

I recently asked bereaved parents to share what helps and what hurts. Here’s what they’d like you to know:

Don’t avoid us; we already feel different and your absence isolates us even more.

Understand that you’ll have to give more than you’ll get; we just don’t have the energy or strength right now to do much more than take care of ourselves.

Remind us of what was so special about our child; “I’ll never forget Melissa’s beautiful smile.”

Share with us how our child made a difference; “Timothy’s courage was so inspiring, I will never forget how bravely he faced the treatments.”

Accept that we’ve changed; we don’t like it either but our experience makes us see the world from a different perspective.

Stay in touch; even if we seem unresponsive, keep up the connection. Call, email, or write a note. And don’t stop including us. Your friendship and support means the world even if we don’t seem responsive.

Don’t forget our child. Say their name and tell us stories; it’s music to our ears. Let us know how much you loved them, will miss seeing them grow, and how you too feel the pain of their absence.

Be with us even if we’re not much fun. Accompany us on a walk, go to the movies, attend a support group, and invite us for coffee. Your friendship and support is the best therapy.

It can be very hard to stay in touch with friends and loved ones in so much pain. It might help to understand that each of us has the power to truly help in the healing process. And the most helpful way to help is to be a continued presence.

Note: Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who herself has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss.

Parental Grief and the journey

2011-10-02T00:01:00.000-07:00

For any parent, whether married, single, or step-parent, the death of a child is one of the devastating losses anyone can experience. The age of the child makes no difference – whether it is a child not yet born, a tiny baby, a young child, a teenager or a full grown adult with children of their own, the death of a son or daughter at any age is a parent’s most painful and debilitating loss.

So many of us struggle alone with our grief in the beginning. You might not want to bother anyone, you might not anyone near you, maybe you just don't want to be reminded of what has happened so that we can deny it. But no matter how you are feeling, it’s important to remind yourself that you don’t have to do this alone. Sharing your grief and the journey of grief with others who have had a similar experience can be helpful and give you hope.

The person you choose to share this journey with might be a spouse, a dear friend or family member who has shared this experience, maybe a member of a grief support group, such as our Mom's Bereavement Group or a chapter of The Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents, it might be a trusted spiritual leader or physician, but the journey can't be avoided and you might find that it's a little less trying if you share the journey.. After all we know that traveling with someone else has many advantages and this journey is no different.

Yes, grief is a journey that we all must take when we lose someone we love – it’s just that the journey of grief for those of us who have lost a beloved child is more difficult and often takes longer…

The death of anyone we love is agonizing, but when our son or daughter dies, life is changed forever. The simple fact is, our children are ‘not supposed’ to die before us. We expect them to bury us - not the other way round. The ripping pain and seemingly endless waves of despair are not just for the immediate loss of their presence, but for all that we won’t share with them for the rest of our lives. All we have invested in them - caring, providing, advising, problem solving - now seems wasted.

But there is light at the end of this dark valley - grief journey. Although it is painful, this journey can help us create a new life, one without our child physically but with their memories.. It’s a journey to a ‘new normal’ in which there is hope, meaning and joy again - a world in which our son or daughter is never forgotten, but is always a treasured part.

So find someone to help you along on your journey and you will reach your destination, that “new normal” where there is hope, peace and joy and you can and will smile again ~ Cherie Houston

Dream the Dreams

2011-09-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

DREAM THE DREAMS

Lord, may I dream the dreams
All parents, who’ve lost a child, want to dream
To see their child just one more time
Tonight Lord, may I have mine

Though I may not feel their touch
Only to see my child would mean so much
To hear their voice calling my name
I would feel I was with them once again

Lord, I'm glad my child is with You
Now once again I ask of You
Let me dream the dreams
All parents, who’ve lost a child, want to dream

To dream of my child to be healthy once more
Sharing our happiness together once more
Seeing my child so full of glee
Oh Lord, it would mean so much to me

Lord I hope You hear my prayer tonight
It's the same as all the other nights
Lord, may I dream the dreams
All parents, who've lost a child, want to dream

~ By Doyle Alldredge

Stop Looking in the rear view mirror...

2011-09-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

~ by Cherie Houston

Within months of our son Bobby’s death in September 2009, my daughter-in-law Jennifer (Bobby’s wife) and I and several friends met this amazing woman – Maureen Hancock…Maureen is blessed with several talents, one of which is helping people who are dying to become comfortable with what’s happening – the majority of her clients are children… Maureen is blessed, without a question, in being able to understand their fears and concerns which almost always have to do with the family they will soon be leaving behind..

Recently, Maureen made the following statement about one of her patients..

I Met the bravest woman last week~Mary A. She's down to the wire with her battle with ALS. She has a beautiful family that surrounds her in blankets of love. Her one question..."Will I get to see my children grow up?" YES! I assured her. For all those healthy & reading this w/children...are you watching them grow up? Don't live to work, work to live. Maureen Hancock

When I heard this, I thought of all of us who have lost our own children who often become so lost in our own grief and longing for our child who has died, that we unintentionally, but sadly forget about our family who is still living…Not that we mean to, but it is so easy to dwell on what we’ve lost, that sometimes we lose sight of what we still have…

It’s so important to begin to look and move forward – we can’t change what’s happened or what is behind is, but we can certainly have an impact on what is happening today at this moment and appreciate all the blessings we have – our own siblings, our significant others, maybe we are even blessed to have other children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, our own parents or in-laws, friends, associates – so many people who care about us..

Yes we all need to think about spending a little more time looking ahead instead of in the rear view mirror before it’s too late…

Thank you Maureen for this reminder...

Maureen Hancock is a nationally renowned spirit medium, teacher, lecturer, holistic healer, and author of the book, The Medium Next Door; co-founder of the non-profit organization, Mission for the Missing, providing assistance and equipment in missing children and adult cases. Maureen is an associate member of the Licensed Private Detective Association of Massachusetts. She has been featured in numerous articles and can be heard on radio stations around the country - she resides in a small town south of Boston, Massachusetts with her husband, two children and chocolate lab, Ally. Maureen, in my opinion is amazing..
check out Maureen's website:

www.maureenhancock.com

Mom's reflections......sound familiar?

2011-09-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

Reflections of some moms about their thoughts, feelings and actions those first few months and years after the death of their child:

"I don’t have any answers as to why she died, but I know that my life has been enriched and totally changed by the gift of her life. I thank God for allowing me nineteen years with her.”

“I felt that I was the one who had to hold everything together and ‘make it better’ for everyone.”

“I hated shopping; I got ‘stuck’ in the supermarket once. I froze at the yogurt section when I couldn't remember who liked which flavor and which ones I didn’t need to buy anymore. The desire to dump the carriage and run was overwhelming.”

“I miss my adult son bounding through the door and saying “what’s up”… I was in a public the other day and heard someone say that and I froze, but once the chock wore off, it warmed my heart although the voice was nothing like his – the words made me smile

“I miss the beautiful cards my son always gave me – even after he married, his wife would choose one from “them”, but he always choose his own for me for every special occasion – I’m so thankful I saved them all”

“I miss the random phone calls from him just asking me about my day”

“I missed the physical closeness I longed to stroke the funny way his hair lay at the back of his neck!”

“School events are so hard - being so aware of other children moving on without my child.”

“My daily schedule was totally foreign to me and I couldn't adjust; the little bell in my head still went off at 3pm although I no longer had a child to pick up from school.”

“I remember being in the grocery tore after our 11 month old daughter died and putting her favorite foods in the cart – when I realized it, it took my breath away and I left the store in tears"

"The first time I got into bed at night and realized I had not thought about my child all day – not once – totally paralyzed me with fear. I feared that I was forgetting who and what they were, it took me a long time to forget that day and that feeling and to stop feeling overwhelmingly guilty"

"For me, I needed to talk about him continually; I couldn’t let a day go by that I didn’t bring up his name or stories about him in conversations – even though I didn’t do that for our living children; I think I was afraid if I didn’t do this everyone, including me, would forget him"

I’m sure you can relate to some of these and if you sent me your own (which you are welcome to do) I'm sure our list will become almost endless… and no matter how varied the thoughts, feelings, actions, deeds or reflections – they are all normal, and each is OK..

I hope you will agree with me, that each of these (some of which are considered grief triggers) but each is simply a result of our incredible love and bond with our children and for that we should never apologize to ourselves or anyone else but instead be grateful for our love for them and all they've given us from the moment they were conceived...

~ Cherie Houston

Gratitude: The Key to Happiness

2011-09-21T00:01:00.000-07:00

~ by Richard Edler, The Compassionate Friends

I am convinced that the real key to happiness is gratitude. I did not come upon this insight, I learned it from Dennis Prager, a wonderful and gifted man who is both author and talk show host for KNBC radio in Los Angeles. I give him all the credit. But I have thought a lot about this idea after my son, Mark, died seven years ago.

At first, I was offended by people who smiled or even laughed during the TCF support group meetings. These were the people who seemed to have somehow re-entered the land of the living. How dare they greet each other with hugs. How dare they laugh. How dare they appear normal when their children have died. But over the last seven years I have learned three valuable lessons.

Life goes on and we must too. Gradually the pain eases and the warm memories replace the sadness. A Gradually we return to life. One day we find that it is 11:00in the morning and we have not thought about our child yet. At first we feel guilt. But then we also realize we are going forward. We will never forget. But we decide that the loss of our child will not be the all-consuming factor in our life. We choose to enjoy friends again. We choose to go out to dinner again. We choose to laugh again. I am convinced that this is what our children would want for us. The pain does not bring our child back. It only makes us miserable without end.

Become grateful for what we have, not focused on what we lost. I see people in group meetings who have gong through “every parent’s nightmare” and want no part of life again. But, I ask that these compassionate friends also think about the ways they have been blessed, as well as hurt. In my experience, most people have more to be thankful for than they realize: health, other children, a loving family, a career they enjoy, financial security, life in a free country, a faith that works for them, a true best friend, a spouse who they love. Nobody has it all. But compared to most of the world, we have a lot.

The life we now lead will be better than it would have been. That does not make our child’s death a good thing. It just means that our child’s life mattered, and it has changed us forever. It means that in some small way the world will be better because our child lived, and we are the ones who can make it so. We have a new sense of priorities. We don’t “sweat the small stuff.” We know what matters, we know how deeply other people hurt, because we, too, have been there. We “know how they feel.” And when our life is different and better because our child lived, then that child is never forgotten.

Each of us would do anything in the world to go back in time, but we can’t. It is up to us now to go forward, and we can.

To My Beloved Son Bobby

2011-09-19T00:01:00.004-07:00

TO MY BELOVED SON BOBBY

Dear Bobby, On the Second Anniversary of Your Going Home

I Wish I Could See You One More Time
Come Walking Through My Door
But, I Know That Is Impossible
I Will Hear Your Voice No More

I Have No Doubt You Feel My Tears
And Don’t Want Me To Cry
Yet, My Heart Is Still So Broken
No, I Still Can’t Fathom Why

Hard To Believe Two Years Have Passed
Since You Made That Decision
So Many Changes, So Many Tears
I Pray That Your Boys, Have The Life You Envisioned

I Pray Every Day That God Gives Us The Strength
To Help Us Find Peace And Help Us Get Through
As We Struggle With This Heartache
That Was Caused When We Lost You

So Much Has Happened, Some Good And Some Bad
But Despite All The Changes, Thoughts Of You Make Us Sad
And Through All My Tears, I Do Understand
God Didn't Take You From Us, He Simply Held Out His Hand

I Know That You Loved Us And I Feel You Nearby
Although We Can’t See You, Your Spirit Won’t Die
And I Know Without Doubt That When My Life Is Through
You’ll Be Waiting With Open Arms For Me To Join You

God How I Love You And Think Of You Daily
And The Day Your Walked Through Heaven's Gates
September 19, 2009

In Precious Memory Of My 36 Year Old Son Robert W. Wood
Adapted from a poem originally written by Teresa Shelton Bright

Permission to Be Crazy

2011-09-17T00:01:00.001-07:00

When the following excerpt from Eline Stillwell's book was first sent to me in a prayer card after my son Bobby's death, I was surpised by it. I remember thinking it a curious thing to receive - after all I didn't remember having done any of the things in the clipping when either of my two little girls, Randee or Robin died in the early 70's..

But now as we approach the second anniversary of Bobby's death, I realize that I obviously just forgot how crazy grief can make us - yes I was definitely wrong - oh so wrong...

Because since that horrible phone call on September 20th, shortly after midnight telling me that Bobby was gone forever - without a doubt I've done these and many other strange things since that horrible call... And I must admit it's comforting to know that I'm not crazy - I'm simply a mom who is learning to accept a new normal without another one of my children - so if I'm a little crazy from time to time, I know that it is OK.. there is no right or wrong to surviving a loss, but especially when the loss is that of a beloved child.

So please be patient with yourself on your journey through grief.. it's OK to be a little crazy - it's just normal... Cherie Houston...

~ by Elaine Stillwell from “Healing After Your Child’s Death”

It’s OK to do strange things, anything that gives your heart sense of peace, as long as you don’t hurt someone.

Whether you’re running down the beach, standing in the shower, or riding in your car screaming at the top of your lungs, releasing balloons with notes attached, talking to an empty chair, wearing their clothes, baking a cake for their birthday, signing their name on cards, decorating their grave with things they loved, or collecting angels in their memory ~ it’s OK.

No excuses are necessary.

You have learned to do what your heart needs, and that is a BIG step!

An Angel Never Dies

2011-09-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

AN ANGEL NEVER DIES

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I’ve loved you from the start

Although my body you can’t hold.
It doesn’t mean I am gone,
This world was worthy, not, of me,
God chose that I move on

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,
You have my word, I’ll fill you arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was “meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes”,
But that wont soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache,

I’m watching over all you ,
Another child you’ll bear,
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there

There’ll come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you’ll understand

Although I’ve never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn’t mean I never “was”
An angel never dies….

~Unknown Author~

The Blessing of a Friend who Cares

2011-09-13T00:01:00.004-07:00

~ by Henri Nouwen

When we honestly ask ourselves which person means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.

A true friend can and will be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion..

A true friend can and will stay with us in our hour of grief and bereavement..

A true friend can and will tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing..

A true friend can and will face with us the reality of our powerlessness..

Yes that indeed is a true friend, one who cares.

Yes a true friend who cares is a blessing indeed...

And remember:

Friends are angels who lift us to our feet

when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.

Tribute to all the mom's who lost children on 9/11

2011-09-11T00:01:00.005-07:00

I want to thank Paula Abrahms from Schnectedy, NY (herself a mom who has lost 2 children - Danielle in 1984 and Steven in 1999) for sending this to me for our blog today. I hope you will join me in this prayer, as we all remember all the mom's who lost children on that dreadful morning that we now refer to as 9/11. Cherie Houston

On a beautiful Tuesday morning, ten years ago today “September 11th, 2001” in just moments, 2,996 mothers lost their children. Of the 2,996 – this includes the 2,977 innocent victims and the 19 highjackers.

Yes that morning mothers of 246 victims were on the four planes, the two that struck the towers in New York, the one that struck the Pentagon and the 4th that went down in a field in Shanksville, PA; mothers of 2,606victims in New York City who were in the towers or on the ground, mothers of 125 at the Pentagon in Washington. Not that it matters to these moms, but of all the deaths that morning, all were innocent civilians except for 55 innocent military personnel who were killed in the attack on the Pentagon…

This morning please join us and take a moment to remember these moms and their entire extended families, who continue on the same journey that we are each on. And I hope that you will also join take a moment to say this prayer, that we ~ like they, can find the strength needed to continue moving forward on this journey from mourning to joy.

This day is remembered and quietly kept
I pray to God that we never forget,
Yes the blow was hard, the shock severe,
So many lost, so much fear amidst the tears

I pray its true they still live on in the hearts and minds,
Of the loving families, that they left behind
No longer here in our life to share,
But in our hearts – they are always there

Our love for them and theirs for us, can never go away,
I think they are with us every day
Unseen and unheard, but always near,
So loved, so missed, and so very dear.

Yes its hard for sure when we’re left behind
Trying to move forward, praying for some peace of mind
Time and faith and kinds words when spoken
Will help heal our hearts that were so badly broken

Good Lord Above
Please grant strength and peace
to all 9/11 moms and families

And take a moment to visit the website dedicated to the 911 Memorial being dedicated today in New York City, NY in memory of all who lost their lives...

http://www.911memorial.org/

Life Is A Simple Walk In The Woods

2011-09-09T00:01:00.001-07:00

LIFE IS A SIMPLE WALK IN THE WOODS
~ Author Unknown ~

I was told the “first year” would be the hardest. I set my sights on surviving through the first anniversary of my son Ross’s death, telling myself that it would be all downhill from there. If I could just keep going long enough to scale that summit!

Everyone talked about the “path of grief” being full of ups and downs, hills and valleys.“You can’t go around it, over it or under it, you simply HAVE to go through it!”

I was also told that my husband and I would not walk the same path. We started out fine, trudging through the woods, holding hands, telling ourselves that we’d spent 16 years together, we’d be just fine. His path slowly led away from mine, but seemed to run parallel for a time – I’d catch a glimpse of him in the woods every once in a while.

Then came that fateful First Anniversary. I scaled that mountain! I sat there all alone with my pile of Mickey Mouse clothes, little cars and well-meaning friends. I had done it! It was incredibly hard work, insurmountable at times, but here I was still alive, without my child.

Without my child. I felt my heart grow cold as I surveyed the path ahead – the rest of my life. The terrain was just as treacherous as the past 12 months! I guess I expected it to be sunlit fields of flowers from then on. After all, everyone had said, “Just get through that first year.” I didn’t know I had to do this forever!

I sat on that peak for quite some time. I yelled at God for a while, I hugged all my son’s treasures that I’d carried with me, his precious memory warming my cold heart, and I searched for any other movement in the valley below. In the distance I could see other peaks along my path, some perhaps as tall as the one upon which I sat. I also began to see tiny clearing where the sun was shining. As my tears slowed, I noticed other paths winding through the landscape – hundreds of them – each belonging to a different parent.

I carefully packed my treasures in my heart, storing them with care so none would break, and started running down the hill, headlong into the second year of forever.

Services for Don Floyd

2011-09-07T00:01:00.001-07:00

As promised, Don & Joyce Floyd's daughter Donna, has shared the following information regarding the services that are scheduled for her dad..

So many of you have asked what you can do to help Joyce and her family. At this moment, I don't think there is anything - any of us can do. But if you recall with our own experiences, the weeks and months ahead are when she will truly need all of our support - whether that is someone to help with the household chores (especially those that Don always took care of); or to prepare a meal or two (or better yet an invitation to dinner), to be there to hold her hand or just hold her....... but again, we will try to keep you posted... In the meantime, we would ask that you continue to keep Joyce and her family in your prayers...

Here is Donna's note about the services... as always if you know someone else who should receive this information, please pass it on so that Joyce and her family will have as much support as possible..

Dearest Family and Friends

We will have two services for Dad, locations and times are as follows:

Lake Havasu Service
Saturday, September 10. 2011 @ 11:00 am
Calvary Baptist Church
1605 S. McCulloch
Lake Havasu City, AZ 86406
(928) 855-6533

California Service
Monday, September 12, 2011 @ 10:30 am
Forest Lawn Memorial Park HopeChapel
4471 Lincoln Avenue
Cypress, CA 90630
1-800-204-3131

We hope you will be able to come help us honor him and celebrate his life.
Much Love - Donna Michelle, the middle child

Prayers for the Floyd Family

2011-09-03T05:48:00.003-07:00

Again we are asking for your prayers for Don & Joyce Floyd and their family.. Their daughter Donna posted the following on Don's caring bridge site last night - I in turn am posting it here and will send an email to all our moms whose email addresses I have... We know God is good and ask that he give Don and Joyce and their entire family the strength they will need in the coming days...

Dearest Family and Friends,
After a difficult meeting this morning with the two ICU doctors administering Dad’s care, and their consultation with his Mayo Pulmonary specialist, it is clear that his situation will not be improving. After hearing all the options, Dad’s decision was to go into hospice care. Which means all the IV’s will be removed and the only measures of care for him now will be just those that bring him physical comfort.

He isn’t in the kind of pain one usually associates with cancer, however he is suffering considerably trying to breath. He will remain on an oxygen mask to help him breath.

He is being moved to an in-patient hospice room, which is much larger, and doesn’t have visiting restrictions. We can bring a few of his favorite things give him comfort.

Dad has been a mighty man in his lifetime, and we all know, as my brother David said this morning, that when he stands at the gates of Heaven, he will hear the words “Well done, good and faithful servant”.

We are all incredibly heartbroken at this point but the heartbreak we see in Mom and Dad is a testament of what true love is really about. Please keep them both especially close to your hearts.

Dad is still very conscious at this time and we are treasuring the time he spends with each of us, and he has said that although he doesn’t want to leave us, he is at complete peace.

As much as we have loved and appreciated the visits from our friends, we would like to request that now his time is saved to spend with his family or Pastor. Thank you for understanding and honoring our precious time with him.
We still have family coming in from out of town and are praying he will hold on for a few more days.

Please continue to pray for our Lord to rain down the peace that passes all understanding, and the grace that only comes from Him, as we rest our weary selves in His presence.

Thank you for your love and support.
Much love,
Donna Michelle, the middle child

I WAS ONCE YOU

2011-08-31T00:01:00.000-07:00

By Colleen Fledderman, Newtown Square, PA, Bereaved Mother

I have never met Christa McCaulife's mom, Carlie Brucia’s mother, Nicole Brown Simpson’s mother, Polly Klass’s mother, Princess Dianna’s mother, Carolyn Bessette Kennedy’s mother, Laci Peterson’s mother. But I know them all intimately. I know what dwells in their hearts and souls everyday. Like them I buried my daughter.

What am I now? Am I a daughterless mother? That sounds like an oxymoron, two words that contradict themselves. My eighteen year old daughter, Amy Marie, died on May 25, 2001. My life is forever changed. Burying a daughter is a surreal experience.

There are no words in Webster’s Dictionary that can explain the grief, the heartache, the pain, the depression or the anguish. Heartbroken is too small a word. The words don’t exist because it is not supposed to happen. There are no plausible definitions that could accurately describe “bereaved parent.” Groups of words can’t be strung together on a typed page to accurately explain the grief. It is impossible to bury your child, yet it happened.

Logically, the factual part of my brain processed the information. The emotional part of my brain argues with the fact everyday. Each and every morning it is still a shock to my entire being! I still peek into her bedroom and expect to find her perfectly made bed a mess of jumbled covers with my daughter snuggled deep inside of them. Parents don’t bury children! Headstones read “loving mother,” “cherished wife.” They don’t read “beloved daughter.” That is not the natural order of the universe. This was not supposed to happen to me. It always happens to other people.

I see reports on the evening news, articles in the newspaper describing horrible events that resulted in the death of someone’s child. It isn’t supposed to be my child. How can this be? It can’t be changed. I can’t say, “Amy, want to go to the mall?” “Let’s go out to lunch.” She can’t tell me about her “freaking bio test” that she has to study for all night long.

Things I want to say to her are forever left unspoken. How will I go on? I can’t go on, yet I do. My body wakes up each day. I don’t ask for this to happen, it just does. My lungs take in air, it is automatic, something that I have no control over. My physical body now controls the course of events in my life. I breath, I eat, I walk, I talk, I put one foot in front of the other. I load the washer and shop for food. I can work. I can teach. I can think on the job about the job. My spiritual being merely exists. It cannot flourish or soar ever again.

When my daughter died, my emotional self was buried with her. When she died, I also buried her future husband to be, my future grandchildren, my daughter’s future wedding, my daughter’s college graduation ceremony, my holiday, my joy. I buried my best friend. I buried the once perfect life that I knew and lived everyday. Tucked into the corner of Amy’s casket is my happy husband. My despondent bereaved husband now lives with me. I buried my fifteen year old daughter’s future matron of honor. I buried Renee’s future nieces and nephews. There is not enough room in Amy’s casket for all the things that died with her. Dreams, hopes, joys, lives, emotions, hearts and souls slipped into that casket with Amy. They occupy every square inch of that place. One day my fifteen year old daughter will be older than her older sister. Can my brain every understand that? Renee will have a nineteenth birthday. Amy did not. How can the impossible happen?

Bereaved parents go on. We go on because we have no other road to travel. It is just we are not “normal” anymore. We used to be you. We used to be the PTO moms and the Girl Scout leaders. We brought lovely frilly fancy holiday dresses for our daughters. We were once carpool moms and soccer moms. We sat at musical recitals and listened to the first melodious squeaks and squawks of their instruments. Forgotten homework assignments were rushed to school for our children. In our heads we planned our beautiful daughter’s future wedding. Vision of the bridal gown and the reception danced in our heads. We couldn’t wait to have grandchildren and baby-sit and enjoy. We wanted to tell our daughters that their children were just like them. Our daughter’s christening gown is carefully preserved and awaiting to be worn by her own children. We wanted to hold our grandchildren’s chubby little fingers in our hands and remember holding our daughters chubby little fingers in our hand.

We used to answer the telephone and hear, “Hey mom, what’s up?” Now the phone doesn’t ring. And it will never ring again with that sweet voice we so desperately would love to hear. Now we are set apart. We are not normal anymore. People choose to walk down a different aisle to ignore us. It is too painful for them to think about our lives. They might take a moment to wonder how we go on. They say, “I can only imagine your pain.” That is not true. No one can imagine it unless they live it. We now belong to a new group. We never wanted to be a part of this group, bereaved parents. No one lines up for this membership. We wish our membership would never grow.

I am glad you are not me.

SPECIAL PRAYER REQUEST FOR DON FLOYD & FAMILY

2011-08-29T21:27:00.002-07:00

Special request for prayers for Don Floyd who is in ICU at Lake Havasu Regional Hospital and for Joyce, Don's wife and our dear sister in grief who founded our Mom's Group an Don &Joyce's entire family that God will give them the strength to face this current challenge.

Please also pray that Don will heal and come home to enjoy more time with his family, who are all in LHC to help Joyce..

This poem was posted in Don’s caring bridge update by his loving daughter Donna, whom we’ve all come to know and love as the “middle child”…

The Oak Tree
'A mighty wind blew night and day.
It stole the oak tree's leaves away,
Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark
Until the oak was tired and stark.
But still the oak tree held its ground
While other trees fell all around.
The weary wind gave up and spoke,
"How can you still be standing, Oak?"
The oak tree said, "I know that you
Can break each branch of mine in two,
Carry every leaf away,
Shake my limbs, and make me sway.
But I have roots stretched in the earth,
Growing stronger since my birth.
You'll never touch them, for you see...........
They are the deepest part of me.
Until today, I wasn't sure
Of just how much I could endure............
But now I've found, with thanks to you......
I'm stronger than I ever knew."

Thank your for your faithful, faithful prayers, we feel the power of them every moment. Your love and freindship are a blessing to each of us. In the words of our friend Carla Garretson:

"As long as there is breath, there is hope."

Happy Birthday In Heaven Bobby

2011-08-27T00:01:00.002-07:00

Hope you won't mind, but today is our son Bobby's birthday - he would have been 38 and he's spending his second birthday in heaven.. Happy Birthday Bobby and to all the children in heaven - Cherie Houtson..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN BOBBY

Know that you’re loved and thought of each day
As you celebrate your 38th birthday in a very different way
Yes this year you’ll celebrate in heaven with your sisters and Nana Mae
While we celebrate here, please know how much we wish you’d have stayed

Yes 38 years ago you arrived on a Monday at four thirty six, mid-afternoon
At St. Paul’s in Dallas, Texas ~ just a little too soon
A healthy five pounds though, how happy you made us
Finally a baby we could take home, so we left in a rush

Despite how much I miss you, and I do more than I can say
The moment I’m with your boys, I see you in every way
It’s so much fun to watch them - they have your best parts
The twinkle in your eyes, your wit and great charm
Are no doubt Dylan and Justin, they both have your warm heart

Oh how I pray, you rest in peace, are free and happy
No more pain or heartache, tough decisions, yes life can be crappy
So watch over us all, our own guardian dear
As we allow you to rest, help our tears and sadness disappear

There’s no doubt just how much, your boys miss you each day
Can you see how they’ve grown, as they play in these waves
How many times did you play here under this very same tree
Yes should be here in Newport, but it wasn’t meant to be

Did you get their balloons - even the butterfly they set free...

So as each wave comes crashing, and tears continue to pour
Just waiting o’er the horizon, just on a distant shore..
I believe in my heart that Mildred knew of what he spoke..
Yes, just over the horizon, out of view, that’s where you are
We know you’re watching over us, he's right-heaven’s not far

Until we meet again my son, find peace, sleep well my child

Mom and all your family & friends - We love you
Happy Birthday in Heaven Bobby

August 27, 1973 - September 19, 2009

Feeling overwhelmed and out of control" It's OK - it's normal..

2011-08-24T00:01:00.006-07:00

by Cherie Houston

When we first learn our child has died and all our dreams for the future for them are gone, no matter their age or the circumstances, our bodies and minds go into a protective mode. Some call it total numbness or shock, but no matter what it is called, it's normal..

That state of shock or numbness is what allows us the time we need to get through those first days, weeks and months. You may or many not remember some or all of those first days, and that too is OK – in time you may.

As the initial shock and numbness begins to fade, you may not recognize what you feel – you may simply feel overwhelmed and confused and again, that’s OK and very normal. It is impossible to love someone as much as we love our children – from the moment we realize we will be bringing life into this world or for those children who may be well into adulthood, middle age themselves or even older – they are still our children… So it is impossible to say goodbye and not feel overwhelmed, confused and much much more - the list of emotions you will feel is very long...

It's not healthy to bottle these feelings up – they are all normal and if you do try to avoid them or suppress them, you may find yourself feeling even more out of control and experts say that trying to avoid or suppress the grief, most will significantly impact their own health in a very negative way...

For many of us, we might find ourselves lashing out at others when we don’t mean to or that we explode at the simplest deviation from the normal. Nothing is normal as we knew it before our child's death anymore... But remember, during the grieving process, our bodies and minds are almost like a steaming tea kettle or pressure cooker and the variety of feelings and emotions we experience create an immense physical amount of pressure - some refer to it as the "pressure cooker effect". All of these feelings need to be released so that we don’t continue in the frustrating cycle of exploding, being upset by our explosions, building up pressure, and exploding again and again.

Here are some ways you can put some motion to your emotions:

Acknowledge how much your grief hurts. There is no denying it or ignoring it. Try to live through it, not avoid it. By acknowledging the pain of grief, you heal the hurting. How do you do this? Tell a trusted friend what it feels like. Write it down in a note to yourself. Share what you are experiencing with a counselor or minister or support group. Say it to yourself. Notice what hurts you. Don’t try to figure it out or make it make sense; just notice it.

Acknowledge your expectations of yourself and others. Make sure you understand what others expect of you and be equally clear in stating your own expectations. Don’t put added pressures on yourself by demanding more than you are able to do. For instance, acknowledge that you expect to be distracted and less efficient at work. Let others know that you intend to make time to walk every other day. Be clear that you may not host the next family festivity because you just don’t want to take on all that extra work right now.

Find appropriate outlets for the energy that anger gives you. Pound a pillow, weed a garden, yell in the shower, hit golf balls. Lock yourself in your car and scream as loudly as you want to. Hit something soft, and hit it hard. Bang on a piano. Draw a wild picture. Throw things. Have a water fight with a friend. Sounds silly, but trust me - it helps..

Writing down your thoughts and feelings might help. Don’t get uptight about keeping a journal; only keep a journal if you enjoy that. Otherwise, simply jot down your feelings. You don’t even have to use complete sentences if you don’t want to. If you make notes every day, it will encourage you to go back in several weeks and read them and see how far you have come.

Grief can strengthen parents relationships

2011-08-20T00:01:00.002-07:00

Despite old rumors that relationships can't survive the death of a child, recent studies indicate just the opposite. A recent study shows that the death of a child actually appears to draw bereaved parents together as they travel life's grief journey." (Source: "When a Child Dies" - survey for The Compassionate Friends Inc, October 2006).

This is good news, but don't misunderstand - staying together isn't something that is necessarily easy.. Without question, staying together takes a lot of effort on both sides and in many different ways. However, there are some common areas that can be worked on to help ensure that despite the tragedy you are facing, your relationship will strengthen - not fall apart...

Communication. This is perhaps the most important area. Keep talking - tell each other how you feel, listen to what the other person says, express your love for each other regularly. When you feel that sharp stabbing pain of loss - tell your partner. When you remember something about your child - tell your partner. When you have found something encouraging or caring that someone has said - tell your partner. And when your partner tells you something - listen (and show that you really are listening)!

Give each other space. This may seem strange in the light of the comments above. One of the things many couples find in the weeks and months after their child's death is that they couldn't always be the support that the other person needed. Yes there will be those times when one of you is up and the other is down and so the one who is “up” can give the love and care that was needed. But when you are both down, and that will happen, neither of you may be strong enough to provide the support needed, and that’s when tensions become more evident and you have to give each other a few minutes' space. Often times taking a short 'time out' is helpful and can help make your relationship stronger.

Recognise your differences. You are both different people and will grieve in different ways. What is important to one person may seem trivial to the other. It is vital that you each recognise the other person's views and needs as being valid. Don't think that because they aren't acting in the same way or holding the same opinion as you that they didn't love your child as much.

Remain affectionate. The area of sexual intimacy is one where needs and desires may vary. Charlotte M Mathes, a psychoanalyst and member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, expresses the difference between men and women very helpfully - "Commonly, men feel loved when they feel they are valued. Women feel love when they are shown compassion. Sex plays a very unique role with each gender. Men often need sex to feel loved by their wife while women may feel that sex is wrong after such a loss, but their need to touch may become more prominent." Try to remain affectionate, reassure each other of your love. Be patient with each other - you will in time find a place again for the physical side of your relationship.

Don't blame each other. Anger is a natural part of grieving, but it is important not to aim that anger at your partner. You may at times find that you are more easily hurt by insensitive words, so do take extra care that the phrases you use to each other don't convey blame. Phrases such as "I feel sad when you ..." (said gently) rather than "you really upset me when you..." (said in a harsher tone) can avoid aggravating raw emotions and provide better paths to good communication.

Seek outside help. For both of you, being able to talk to someone who isn't so closely involved, who will understand and listen, can be a real help. This might be a close friend, a support group such as Journey from Mourning, Compassionate Friends, Bereaved Parents' Network, your minister, priest or rabbi, a professional counsellor or your doctor. It is important that you both have someone you can turn to. Women often finder it easier to talk, but for men this can be a challenge, but most parents find that being able to turn to someone they trust was a real life-saver.

There are no quick fixes. But in time you will find yourselves more able to cope and even to laugh and find ways of enjoying life together again. Be assured that your relationship can survive and can grow even stronger!

HOPE

2011-08-16T00:01:00.001-07:00

~ Margaret Gerner, Bereaved Mother and Bereaved Grandmother, St. Louis, MO

I sat down regularly to read the many newsletters that I receive from the chapters across the county. Most of the time there were articles in them that made me cry a little.

I read about children who are dead and parents who were hurting, but never did I come away from those reading sessions depressed.

I came away with hope, hope that the searing torment does lessen and eventually give
way to warm, loving memories of our child.

When we are in the deepest throes of our grief, when our beloved child has just recently been snatched from life by a tragic accident or succumbed to a fatal illness, or died in some other way, can we believe we can ever be happy again? When to simply get up in the morning is a major accomplishment, can we believe that we will ever be able to function with enthusiasm or purpose?

When every thought of our children brings excruciating pain, can we believe that we will someday be able to think of him/her and smile? I know it is hard to believe that this will ever happen, but it will.

Words used in defining HOPE are expect, trust, anticipate, wish, desire and confident. These are the key words.

If we expect, trust and anticipate feeling better, we will in time.

If we wish it and are confident, the day will come when we will feel better. Of course, it doesn’t just happen. It takes long hard grief work. It takes many painful hours of allowing ourselves to go through our grief.

It takes patience and it takes time. But know you will come to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Know that there is hope. Know that many many bereaved parents who have been in the
same painful place that you are now have found life meaningful again.

Know that you will too

Aftermath

2011-08-12T00:01:00.001-07:00

AFTERMATH

By Madeline Sharples

They came in droves at first
Out of concern, out of curiosity
They sent flowers, cards
And sweet notes saying
Call anytime
Anytime at all.

Now it is quiet.
A few friends
Invite us out,
Or come by
The rest have moved on
Glad to have done their duty
They now have nothing left to say.

Don’t they know I’m not contagious
My son’s death will not rub off on them
I’m the same person I was before.
A sadder person, perhaps
But needing my friends
Just the same.

Reprinted from “We Need Not Walk Alone” Summer 2001

Time heals what reason cannot

2011-08-08T00:01:00.001-07:00

~ By Pat Schwiebert, TCF, Portland, Oregon

In the end, time will chage things. The intensity we experience when grief is new, where we can see nothing but our loss, and where every moment is filled with thoughts of the onew who died will gradually diminish and become softer.

Time forces the big picture of life back into our vision whether we like it or not. This happens in our lives all the time. Remember how when we first fell in love withsomeone, we were totally preoccupied with only that other person, until gradually a more balanced existence was restored. Or when we did what we thought was some terrible thing, and we were sure everybody would never let us forget it, we came to find out a few months down the road that most people had forgotten the incident.

In the months (maybe years) following a loss, life will eventually start to re-emerge, and life on this planet will once again seem possible. This will not happen because we come to understand the deathmore clearly but because, with the passage of time, the unanswered questions will become easier to live with.

Time will not remove grief entirely. The scars of grief will remain, and we may find ourselves ambushed by a fresh wave of grief at any time. But needing to know the answers to the “why” questions won’t seem quite as important as it once was.

Time is a gift that we have taken for granted. We’ve been given our lives one moment at a time. This is good.

Create a Memory Book Class at Mohave Community College

2011-08-04T00:02:00.000-07:00

This fall, members of our Mom’s Group in Lake Havasu City, AZ will have a chance to create their own Memory Book as a lasting legacy to their child/children who have died.

I will be hosting an 8 hour class at the Lake Havasu City, Mohave Community College campus, where I teach during 2 - four (4) hour classes 9am-1pm on Saturday mornings, October 29th and November 5th. MCC has donated my classroom for our use, so that the 8 hr. class can be free for up for up to 20 our of Journey from Mourning mom’s who would like to create a memory book.

Start collecting the photo's and keepsakes now that you would like to use in your book - if you only have the actual photos, you will learn how to scan the photos and keepsakes so that they will be in digital format on your computers - if you have the photos or keepsakes on a CD or DVD, flash drive or portable hard drive, than they are ready to be used in your book, so bring those with you.

Seats will be available on a first-come, first serve basis... so let me know if you would like us to hold a spot for you... email me at cherie_houston@hotmail.com or momsgriefsupport@gmail.com

Dates are: Saturday morning 9am-1pm on October 29th and November 5th at Mohave Community College, Room #501 - Lake Havasu City, AZ campus.

We will remind you again later this month via an email, but are hoping you will begin to think of what you would like to include in your memory book.....

Does anyone undesrstand what we are going through?

2011-07-31T00:01:00.011-07:00

~ by Cherie Houston

July 31st, 1972 - 39 years ago today, my beautiful daughter Robin died.. She was a beautiful healthy and happy little 7 month old - sharing the nursery with her 16 month old brother Ric - their very patriotic red, white & blue nursery with matching cribs, hers had a beautiful canopy top... We awoke early that Monday morning, to the shock that Robin Marie, our beautiful little girl, had died during the night, a victim of SIDS - yes 39 years ago today, our world seemed to go into a tailspin, that was the day we lost our 2nd child.. God this can't be happening again, but it did.. Our first daughter, Randee Marie, had died the year before on March 17, 1971 - a little more than 9 hours after she'd been born 12 weeks prematurely, but despite the heartache of losing Randee, we were blessed ~ her twin brother, Ric - who was also only 3 lbs - had survived and now again Ric was our "only child".

I've kept a diary since high school and from time to time I go back and read entries from years gone by - funny, sad, philosophical, complaining, angry, proud, amazing, hopeful - such a wide variety of emotions and it helps to see where I've been... I recently went back and read my diary a year after Robin died - not sure I've ever gone back and read the few weeks after her death-that's too painful, but a year later was OK. I was already expecting again - and would be blessed with a little baby boy - yes Ric had a new baby brother - Bobby was born Aug 27th, 13 months after Robin's death and 7 years later we were blessed again with another beautiful baby boy - Sean... Blessings and tragedy seem to be intertwined - on September 19, 2009 our 3rd child would die, when our 36 year old sone Bobby took his own life on September 19th, 2009..... I want to share with you what I wrote one year aftr Robins death, because it reminds me that maybe those around us who can't understand our pain, just truly can't...

Tuesday, July 31st, 1973
I don't remember when or where I heard the expression "the only two things in life that are certain are death and taxes" But I know it's a common statement, so why is it that no one seems comfortable with understanding what death does to those who are left living? Why can't anyone around me understand how painful it is when someone we know or loves is grieving and heartbroken over the loss of their child, parent, spouse or close friend. Why doesn’t everyone around us understand what we are going through? After all everyone is going to experience loss at some time in their life. Or is it that grief is so terribly painful that no one wants to talk about it and those of us who do, we just makes others uncomfortable.

How did this happen – one year ago today my beautiful little girl Robin died, gone – only 7 months old and in just a moment, this healthy happy little girl who had just pulled herself up and took a step was gone… How can this be and why is that no one seems to understand what I’m going through. I watch other young moms and dads who have lost their babies to SIDS and why is that no one around any of us seems to understand the impact that this loss has had on us. Instead, it seems as though others around us, want to yell at us and say “straighten up and get on with your lives – you are young, you’ll get over it – you’ll have another”… Yes, maybe that’s true – after all I am excited about being pregnant again and I’m nervously looking forward to the arrival of this new little girl or boy in a few months, but why can’t anyone understand that I also want Robin back and that this new baby, although he or she will be loved, will not and can never replace Robin – I just want my baby girl back…

It's not fair-what did we ever do wrong to be thrown into this nightmare – like a spooky fraternity with the deaths of our babies in common - yet we have no idea what to do, how to act, what is normal and we are all wondering the same thing – are we all going crazy?? Dr. Sturner has been so wonderful - who could have guessed the medical examiner to do Robin's autopsy would become such a close friend, but he's helped me so much this last year including establishing this SIDS chapter, but he’s a grandfather and although he’s lost a grandbaby to SIDS, he’s blessed that he has all his children – he can’t fully understand how overwhelming this loss is… I’m amazed at the number of “outsiders” who have whispered to us that they themselves, their moms, aunts, grandmas, etc have had a baby who died of ‘crib death also” but they never talk about it – how can that be, I just want to shout it from the roof tops – my baby is gone, my heart is broken, can’t anyone help me… how and why can you keep death a secret??

Each parent I meet, the feelings we share are the same, feelings of devastating pain, all we want are things the way they were ~ we want our life as it once was and our babies back ~ God why cna't anyone understand that this pain is crippling ~ our hearts feel as though they are totally shattered and we aren’t sure if we will ever get through this, how can we cope, will we ever feel better – doesn’t anyone understand how much we are hurting… Is this what we are going to feel forever – it’s been a year, but it feels like this morning – the nightmare repeats itself over and over again in my mind – whether I’m awake or asleep – like a movie that never stops…

But then again I can't be going crazy – because each and every parent I meet who has suffered this same horrific event is feeling the same things, so this must be normal, this must just be what grief is.. But if that's the case, why then, can’t anyone around me understand what I’m going through, because after all – some of them must have been where we are, they must understand what we are going through – because after all everyone is going to suffer the loss of someone they love – after all taxes & death are the only 2 sure things in life that are certain..

So why can’t they understand my grief or is it that they do understand. Yes maybe they do understand more than I think they do, but maybe - just maybe - for them it’s just too painful to go back, so they scurry away from us - almost as though we are contagious and they might catch our grief - and maybe they have to turn their backs on us because they are just grateful that it’s not them…

Grief is all consuming..

2011-07-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

Grieving is all consuming and pervades every part of your being to the exclusion of everything else, your body, mind and spirit are all weathering a shock. The experience of grief and loss is extremely personal and different for everyone, but be gentle and compassionate with yourself. .

So many around us want to help us during this process – they want to help “make it better”, but they often have no idea of the inner turmoil you are experiencing, or mean well and will encourage you to do this or do that – do what is right for you.

It is so important that you consider and concentrate on yourself at this time. Listen to your heart, and do what feels right for you, even if it goes against family wishes and reember you are going to feel:

Sadness, grief, sorrow, mourning, depression and even suicidal thoughts

Guilt and regret; anger, disappointment, rage, fury

Numbness, fear, panic and anxiety

Express your feelings so you can move through them, rather than getting stuck in them and know that it’s normal to experience:

Inability to concentrate or focus on a task

"Stinking thinking," often associated with feelings of guilt or remorse

Confusion or short attention span

Failure to process facts and details accurately

Forgetfulness or even a sense of amnesia

Don't worry and be patient with yourself – these symptoms will lessen and disappear in time. Most professionals will remind you to avoid making any major life decisions until you feel a bit less foggy. So if you must make any big decisions, ask for help from others whom you trust.. Trust your gut...

Crying is healthy, so cry me a river

2011-07-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

The following article was sent to me recently by one of my students in Boston – she knows I am always trying to find inspirational articles about how we can help ourselves move forward on this journey from mouurning the deaths of our children… and she was right, I found this article (which is actually a blog posting from a fellow blogger) very appropriate… I hope you will enjoy it as much as I did and if you have a chance, check our Karen’s blog.. Cherie Houston

CRY ME A RIVER, By Karen Payne

The big basketball game was held on Monday. I know nothing about college basketball. I’m at peace with that statement. I have no desire to know. I did hear on the radio that after the game the losing team cried. College athletes cried. The reporter seemed to imply that it was OK because they were just boys swept away by the intensity of the game. HMMMMM.
Our new speaker of the house cries….. often. He seems to be quite the emotional guy. So much so that the press has commented on it and ridiculed it and mocked it. HMMMMMMM.

I could go on with many more examples of how our culture finds crying to be quite inappropriate. To shed a tear in the public square is frowned upon. When it happens the comments are either that the person is weak and unstable OR way too emotional for what is considered “normal behavior”. HMMMMMM

So what’s a person to do who is grieving? Tears are a healthy, necessary response to many situations in life. Babies cry and if they didn’t they would starve. People cry when they are in pain (physical or emotional) and this crying is as natural and necessary as breathing. May I be so bold as to suggest that tears were created by God and are needful to maintain our emotional wellbeing? Tears relieve tension; they give an outlet for strong emotions; they are healing and cleansing. Tears can be like the valve on the top of a pressure cooker.

Do you remember the pressure cooker days? My grandma used to cook with a pressure cooker often. One evening my dad walked into the kitchen to see grandma using a fork to relieve some of the steam by jiggling the valve at the top of the pressure cooker. My dad though she was having difficulty with the lid and ran to her rescue. “Here, let me help you.”, He said as he grabbed the handle and gave it a good tug. “NO!” grandma screamed as she ducked pulling her apron over her head. The pot erupted with carrots and potatoes stuck to the ceiling as water and beef roast rained down on the twosome. Dad was trying to be helpful.

Tears are like that. They need to be released whenever the emotions build within. If you don’t let them out they will build a pressure within that could erupt if jiggled or jerked the wrong way. My recommendation to anyone dealing with the deeply-felt emotions of grief - CRY.

I know it’s not socially acceptable in many circles. I know others may think you’re weak or unstable. I realize that because of other’s reactions we often feel embarrassed and uncomfortable about the “leak” of emotion. CRY anyways. JUST CRY.

Crying will be temporarily uncomfortable – but long-term healthy and helpful. Crying is preferrable to eruptions; preferrable to medication to numb the emotions; preferrable to the build up of anxiety, frustration, anger, depression, and general sense of being overwhelmed all the time. Cry. Losing a loved one is worth a tear or two or two-hundred. Cry.

And just so you know…. you are NOT weak or unstable. People who don’t know how to cry are both of those and much more. You don’t want to be those people. Maybe your tears will help them deal with their own hurts with a good cry instead of an eruption.
Today…. if you feel like you need to…. just cry.

Still tearful after all these years, Karen

Karen Payne is the worship pastor at Williams Lake Church of the Nazarene in Waterford Michigan. She writes about grief from her table-for-one at the M-59 BigBoy with coffee and pink mini-laptop in hand. Encouragement for those who grieve. Vist Karen’s blog:

www.karenpaynetableforone.wordpress.com

Grief is like a roller coaster ride...

2011-07-22T00:01:00.009-07:00

~ by Cherie Houston

Each summer my husband Dan and I take our "8" young grandchildren to an amusement park for the day. Monday this week when I was waiting for them to experience the “untamed" a new roller coaster ride at their favorite park in New Hampshire, I made the comparison that our grief is just like that untamed beast of a roller coaster ride…

Over the years I’ve heard people refer to the “various stages of grief” that we must all go through on this journey through grief. When our first daughter died in 1971 within hours of being born, I can remember praying that I would just hurry up and get through the grief stages the funeral director had told me about, so that maybe I would feel better and would stop crying... Boy was I wrong… first of all – although the professionals have identified what the various stages are – they can’t tell us when we’ll go through each stage and they certainly can’t tell us how long each stage will last (and how many times we’ll go through each one)… You’ve heard of the “stages”…if not let me introduce them to you…

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”

Anger: “How could they do this”; “Why is this happening?; Who is to blame?”

Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I promise to ____.”

Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything - I can't go on - the pain is overwhelming.”

Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

Having gone through the deaths of my 3 children and several very close family members, I’ve decided that for me, my grief journeys have certainly been much more like that incredible roller coaster ride my grandkids just took - wild and unpredictable and each following a different pattern than the one before…(and I should mention that I totally dislike roller coaster rides)…

First, Grief, like a roller coaster, has countless ups & downs, highs & lows - each time you catch your breath and have a few good moments, WHAM there’s another totally unexpected twist or turn and you spiral - sometimes totally upside down.. Just like the "untamed" it seems as though we are simply going "up" as we enjoy the time preceeding the loss - yes the exhilaration of that part of the ride is exciting, wonderful and feels so very good and then when the death occurs - we plunge down - so quickly and feel as though the drop will never end, believing we too will die - but we don't and won't.

Second, Grief, like a roller coaster, tends to very frightening in the beginning - one moment life is great, you are on a high and then, just like the beginning of this "untamed" ride the bottom seems to fall out, death strikes and youdrop into an abyss-scared and you can't seem to catch your breath and it feels as though it's never going to end... But with time, those difficult periods seem to become less intense and shorter as time goes by…As I’ve said before when I’ve talked about moving forward and grief triggers, even many years after our child death, special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child or grandchild, can create unexpected strong senses of renewed grief…

When our grand kids got off the ride – their emotions were over the place - scared, excited, sad, feeling a little sick to their stomach’s, one even fought back tears – but what was obvious to me is that they’d do it all over again… And I thought to myself, so wouldn’t I – as rough as the Grief Roller Caster ride is, I wouldn’t trade for a moment the time I had with my 3 children or family members who’ve died just to avoid the terrible way I felt when they did die...

So, as much as I dislike roller coaster rides and this journey through grief, they make me appreciate the exhilaration of the highs I had with each and every one of them while we were on the ride together…

Grief Triggers as we move forward

2011-07-18T00:01:00.001-07:00

There's no doubt that in time most of us will begin to "move forward" as our hearts heal from the most tragic of losses - the death of our child. But you have to know,understand and expect, that despite moving forward and finding that new normal for our lives, there will be times - often when you least expect it - a "grief trigger" seems to come out of no where, like a heavy wind, and knock you down....

In the first few days, weeks, months and even that first year or two - we simply were grateful that we could put one foot in front of the other and get through the day.. As we did, even without knowing it, we were beginning to create the foundation for our new normal - that world without our child... Amazing how our minds worked in those early days to protect us - we didn't or couldn't process what others were telling us about how we should act and what we should be doing, it is only as we begin to build our "new normal" and "move forward" that the comments from others begin to disturb and often hurt us... Remember, you are the one "moving forward" from this tragic loss - don’t let others tell you how you should or should not feel or how long you should grieve - let your body and your emotions be your guide.

But know that as you move forward, certain life events, will generate “grief triggers,” which are simply waves of grief or sadness that will overcome you - like a gust of strong wind, they will take your breath away and often knock you down.. Some of the "grief triggers" we can anticipate and get ready for, such as during the holidays, your child's birthday or the anniversary of their death or other important events in their lives - but the ones that are even more difficult in the years ahead, are those that are triggered by a memory when we least expect them.. seeing a child swinging in the playground, hearing a child singing; maybe it's a song - a smell - or watching a boat on the ocean, or seeing another family member with tears in their eyes - yes these can be the most powerful of "grief triggers".

Here i am 40+ years since the death of my two little girls, Randee & Robin who died in 1971 and 1972 - yet there are still times, when I see a young mom pushing a front facing stroller with a bright eyed little girl, or during the wedding events for two of my sons, or the births of my grandchildren, that those "grief trigger" waves have returned full force, catching me off guard and I have found myself crying and overwhelmed with the "what should have beens"... and that is OK...

By knowing in advance that these "grief triggers" are going to happen, even many years after the death of your child, you will learn that it is alright to be sad as you remember, but you will also find it easier to turn that sadness into a peaceful, happy memory and be grateful for what you had and for the memory of them-no matter how brief; that is acceptance of your new normal and when you will realize you have found peace for yourself and the wonderful memories of your child.

~ by Cherie Houston

To My Dearest Family - Poem

2011-07-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

TO MY DEAREST FAMILY:

Some things I'd like to say
but first of all to let you know
that I arrived okay

I'm writing this from Heaven
where I dwell with God above
where there's no more tears
or sadness there, is just eternal love

Please do not be unhappy
just because I'm out of sight
remember that I'm with you
every morning, noon and night

That day I had to leave you
when my life on Earth was through
God picked me up and hugged me
and He said I welcome you

It's good to have you back again
you were missed while you were gone
as for your dearest family
they'll be here later on

I need you here so badly
as part of My big plan
there's so much that we have to do
to help our mortal man

Then God gave me a list of things
He wished for me to do
and foremost on that list of mine
is to watch and care for you

And I will be beside you
every day and week and year
and when you're sad, I'm standing there
to wipe away the tear

And when you lie in bed at night
the days chores put to flight
God and I are closest to you
in the middle of the night

When you think of my life on Earth
and all those loving years
because you're only human
they are bound to bring you tears

But do not be afraid to cry
it does relieve the pain
remember there would be no flowers
unless there was some rain

I wish that I could tell you
of all that God has planned
but if I were to tell you
you wouldn't understand

But one thing is for certain
though my life on Earth is o're
I am closer to you now
than I ever was before

And to my very many friends
trust God knows what is best
I'm still not far away from you
I'm just beyond the crest

There are rocky roads ahead of you
and many hills to climb
but together we can do it
taking one day at a time

It was always my philosophy
and I'd like it for you too
that as you give unto the World
so the World will give to you

If you can help somebody
who is in sorrow or in pain
then you can say to God at night
my day was not in vain

And now I am contented
that my life it was worthwhile
knowing as I passed along the way
I made somebody smile

So if you meet somebody
who is down and feeling low
just lend a hand to pick him up
as on your way you go

When you are walking down the street
and you've got me on your mind
I'm walking in your footsteps
only half a step behind

And when you feel the gentle breeze
or the wind upon your face
that's me giving you a great big hug
or just a soft embrace

And when it's time for you to go
from that body to be free
remember you're not going
you are coming here to me

And I will always love you
from that land way up above
Will be in touch again soon
P.S. God sends His Love

--Author Unknown

Moving Forward, a Tip from GriefShare

2011-07-10T00:01:00.003-07:00

Moving forward is certainly not easy, but it is something that is necessary after this devastating loss of our children. There is no doubt that moving forward takes time; it is not something that happens in those first days, weeks, months or even during that first year - when you know in advance it's going to take time - you can give yourself the permission you need to mourn and grieve. But eventually "moving forward" is as necessary as breathing if we are to survive and thrive after this terrible loss of our child.. This topic was covered quite directly recently in two of the daily emails I received from “griefshare”.

GriefShare is something I joined shortly after my son Bob died in 2009 and I am now in my second year of receiving their daily emails – it’s always amazing to me how they seem to hit home and speak to me on certain subjects exactly when I need them… Check them out – it’s easy to subscribe and just another little thing that helps remind me that my grief and how I’m feeling is normal and we all need that reassurance… We all have those days when we believe without a doubt that we are going crazy, but we aren't.. We are simply mom’s whose children have died and we are hurting beyond belief… Cherie Houston

This is a combination of 2 emails that reminded me again about “moving forward”…

To move on means (1) you have to acknowledge that things will never be the same again, and (2) you have to redefine and adjust to God's plan for your life now. Letting go of a lost loved one is tough, especially when the love is deep, and he or she has filled a need in you that was never filled until you met that person (this is especially true when it is our own child).

"To really admit to yourself, 'This person is gone, and life's got to go on, and I've got to buck up and turn the corner and get going,' is probably one of the toughest transitions in the grief process," says Dr. Joseph Stowell

It would be dangerous to drive down the street if your attention were focused solely on the rear view mirror, looking at what is behind. Grief tends to make you look to the past, to what you lost. The pain of that loss, it's true, will be with you forever, but to move on, you must focus on the future as well as on the past.

"You can either stay in that grief, or you can move on. But you will move on with the grief," says Linda, whose baby was stillborn. "You always have that, and you can't expect that one day you won't ever feel sorry that you lost a loved one. That will always be part of you."

Yes - just as we would wish for our family to "move forward" when it is our turn to make that final trip home, I believe with all my heart that "moving forward" is what our children who have died before us, would want for each of us and all whom they love. They would certainly not want us to be stuck in the horrible pain that grief brings, but instead celebrating and enjoying all that life has to offer and taking their memories with us along for the ride...

For more information or to join GriefShare and receive their daily emails, go to:
http://www.griefshare.org/

Elements of Healing

2011-07-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

Grief can often act like quick sand, pulling us down little by little - and from time to time we feel as though we are beginning to suffocate-can't catch our breath.. Yes, Grief is "so all consuming" - being numb is all we can feel and we often find in those first few weeks, months and even years that we don't seem to have the mental or physical ability to change that sinking feeling... But we do ..

Moving forward is never about forgetting - it's about living again and appreciating all that surrounds us and saying thank you for who and what our child was.. Eventually we realize that the old adage is so very true: "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" - yes we are thankful we had our child even if it were only for a few short months in the womb and never met them - or were blessed to have them in our lives for longer......

Healing and Moving forward - happens so very gradually. But you will know when you are beginning to heal and moving forward, when you are beginning to feel "alive again" when these elements begin to ease their way into your life - not all at once - but little, by little..

Try to remember, try not to forget

Good memories (I remember when…..stories) are very important

Time can result in either healing or infection

You need support from both inside and outside your family

Faith – prayer – community of faith: where would you turn without them?

Learning about the experiences of others gives insight into your own story

Assume whatever you are going through is normal

Be sensitive to the fact that people grieve differently

Share the pain of your darkness

Sharing with those who’ve been there has a special meaning

Feel free to protest the WHY of death

Take time and space for yourself; work through any guilt you feel in taking this time

Take time to laugh and take time to cry

Take the initiative and make things happen for yourself: work, activity, exercise.

Life never will be like it was before

You’ll need to create a new life, make new choices, and develop new friendships

Reach out and help others. Beware of dwelling ONLY on yourself

Confront guilt by realizing you did the best you could

You must realize your loved one has died. He or she is not ‘just away.’

Through dreams, visions and other means, it’s possible to experience the comforting and reassuring presence of your loved one

Don’t be afraid to ask God (and your child) for a sign

There’s nothing wrong with talking to your loved one

People who’ve been down the road before you can be symbols of Hope for you

Your experience of death may cause others to make significant changes for the better in their lives and relationships.

Special Prayer Request for Lisa Van Ella and family

2011-07-03T04:02:00.003-07:00

Special Prayer Request for Lisa Van Ella and family. Today (July 2nd) Lisa's sister Lori and husband Rick lost their youngest child (10 year old Karissa) who was killed in an ATV accident. Lisa's son Wyatt flew back to Indiana to spend 3 weeks with his Aunt Lori, so he's present there for this sad tragedy.

Prayers are needed for Lisa as she flys to be with her sister Lori and family...

“God, bring comfort and peace to Lori & Rick and their families, who have lost their precious child Karissa in death. We come to you, God because we know that you are acquainted with grief, that you too have endured the loss of a child and that you can and will empathize.

We can’t help but ask, “Why?” Forgive our insistence, our confusion, even our anger. We believe that you are just, and we ache to understand how this tragic death is an expression of that justice, how it expresses your love. We also know – in our minds at least – that you seldom answer the “why?” question. We press you, but on these matters you are mostly silent.

What we ask instead is “how?” How can we endure this horrific loss. How can this bring us together and not tear us apart? How can we now live under the shadow of this untimely death? Answer this prayer with your comfort and guidance.

There is no way to remove the pain. The grief is real. The only sanity is to know, to believe, in a life beyond with you, when all the scales are righted and the sufferings are made good. We trust you and your promise that while this child’s life on earth is done, her life beyond has just begun. With that release we lose her and let her go into your arms, then by faith receive in return the boundless comfort of your presence. That is all, that is enough.

Please God give this family the strength they will need in the coming hours, days, weeks, months and years ahead... We ask this in your name, Amen.

Prayer Request for Don & Joyce Floyd

2011-06-30T08:11:00.004-07:00

We hope you will join us sending prayers for Don Floyd's medical team at Mayo in Phoenix and that both Don & Joyce have the strength to deal with this difficult journey they are on fighting Don's lung cancer.…

This is excerpt from Joyce Floyd’s daughter “Donna” on Joyce’s husband Don's Caring Bridge web page today as Don continues his valiant battle. Remember, if you would like to follow Don Floyd’s progress, this is the link to his Caring Bridge Page, which their daughter Donna, lovingly updates ..

www.caringbridge.org/visit/donfloydlakehavasu

Donna also posted this excerpt from a little book titled “Jesus Calling”

“Rest with me a while. You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus your attention on Me. Your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey.

I designed time to be a protection for you. You couldn’t bear to see all your life at once, though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you. Refresh yourself in My company, breathing deep draughts of My presence. The highest level of trust is to enjoy Me moment by moment. I am with you watching over you wherever you go” No truer words were ever written.

Thank you so much for your prayers, and continued support as they walk this long road. Much Love, Donna Michelle

What to do with our children's memories and keepsakes...

2011-06-28T00:01:00.005-07:00

I truly believe that the memories of our children, are one of the best healing legacies that exist after our children die – no one can take these memories from us.. Personally I feel it's been my memories of my 3 children that have died that have helped me keep my sanity during the difficult grieving journeys after each of their deaths. The journey was difficult when I lost my 2 little girls, Randee in 1971 and then Robin in 1972, but it has been especially difficult, since my 3rd child, my 36 year old adult son Bobby, died on September 19th, 2009… Not only were my memories important to me, but I became almost compulsive about making sure that Bobby’s 2 little boys, only 5 & 6 at the time he died, would never forget their dad... Yes, the memories are bittersweet – they make me cry as often as they make me laugh and smile – but they are always there – waiting for me to “visit” whenever I want but his boys were little, how could I help them to remember...

There's no doubt that when Bobby died, one of my biggest fears is that his children, because they were so young, would forget him and what an important part of their daddy’s lives they had been.. I decided I just couldn’t let that happen, so in that first year after Bobby died I decided I'd create a "small memory book" for them. Well almost 700 pictures and 11 months later the book was done and ordered to be given to his boy’s on their dad’s 1st memorial anniversary. Not only did I give them to his boys, but also his brothers, myself of course and to several other close family members and friends.. It’s wonderful to see his boys going thru it quite often……

My next memory project came about quite unexpectedly. It began shortly after this first anniversary – Bobby’s wife Jennifer had not yet gone thru Bobby’s things-they were all still hanging in his closet and in his bureau’s drawer.. His boys wanted some of his things so they and I decided that I should make them a quilt from their dads things – they went about choosing their favorites shirts and even some of his boxer shorts, which they explained is what he wore for pajamas… Preparing them and cutting them up was so much harder than I could have imagined-once done, I put them all in a bag and it took me months to actually begin the task of creating their 2 quilts… finally in April I gathered enough courage to begin the quilts.. Although I’ve sewn for many years – I have never quilted in my life, so beginning this daunting task was scary to say the least… But, with help of my sister Mary and several friends including Colleen and so many others at Jon-Ali’s (who by the way encouraged me to add some photos of Bobby and the boys and I’m so thankful I did) I have finally finished the quilts. The boys were thrilled: they immediately took them to school to show their classes – the youngest, Justin, is in 1st grade and his older brother Dylan is in 2nd grade.. they also have shown them to everyone at the day care center they’ve attended since they were little and to everyone who comes into their home..

And now I’m working to complete the 3rd memory project which I hope to give them on daddy’s 2nd memorial anniversary in September – a true memory book. Yes the book will have more than 1,000 photos of Bobby’s 36 year short life, but just as importantly so much more of their dad’s memorabilia which I’ve been busy scanning in – you know all the things accumulated during a life time, the tags from the hospital basinet when he was born, his report cards & teachers notes, drivers license, resume, pictures he made me as a little boy – all those things that remind me he was really here and not just my imagination… Keepsakes and memories that represent who Bobby was and is – all the tangible lasting things that remind me of the special relationships Bobby had with everyone in his life, including his family and those who loved him most…

This fall, members of our Mom’s Group in Lake Havasu City, AZ will have a chance to create their own Memory Book – Mohave Community College where I teach, has donated the use of my classroom so that I can work with up to 20 mom’s who would like to create their own memory books… So mark your calendars for 2 Saturdays, October 29th & November 5, 9am-1pm to join us and create your own lasting legacy “a memory book of your child/children”…

"There’s Nothing" Poem

2011-06-25T00:01:00.001-07:00

THERE'S NOTHING
by Ron Tranmer

There’s nothing in this world
that brings such happiness
as that of a dear sweet child,
to hold, to love and caress.

When one comes into our life
there is no greater joy.
It matters not the gender,
a baby girl or baby boy.

There’s nothing in this world
that brings such heartfelt sorrow,
as to have them in your life one day
and find them gone tomorrow.

At the loss of a little child
we must put our love and trust
in God, our Heavenly Father,
who gave the child to us.

Love for the gift He gave us,
and trust that in His time,
we will hold our child again
in our heavenly home divine.

What not to say to a grieving parent...

2011-06-22T00:01:00.002-07:00

This post will end my series of posts, dedicated to grieving dads.. The following was sent to my by a grieving dad, Paul Stanley from Jacobs, Iowa - who has lost 2 children - his beautiful 5 year old daughter Samantha and his handsome young son Paul, who was only 19 when he took his own life.. Paul wanted to remind others, that often times their helpful comments, may not be so helpful...

Yes dad’s, just like us moms, have certain phrases that have been said to them since their child has died that they could have done without… Here are some of those "thoughtful" expressions that dads, just like you and I, whose children have died, could have done without.

I want to believe that none of these individuals who made such foolish comments did so with malice in their hearts – they just don’t realize that their comments can often create more pain for us, and they don’t realize that “when in doubt about what to say, say nothing” For those of us who are the recipients of such comments – let the comments go, and simply respond by saying “I pray you are never where I am today” .. Cherie Houston

"It was their time." Would that it be the "time" of anyone compelled to utter this one. No one who loses a child will be comforted by this statement.

"God wanted him/her more than you did." I'd rather have heard: "He or she is with God now."

"Don't you think that you should be getting over it by now?" This from someone whose most significant loss was her ninety-something grandmother dying at home with the family by her side.

"It's a good thing you have other children" Believe me - it doesn't help - each of our children is unique and can't be replaced - but it is a very common statement to parents in the days and weeks following the death of their child...

"I know exactly how you feel." If you haven't lost a child you don't have a clue, my friend and I pray you never do.

"Why did you have to do it?" Kevin who lost his young daughter to suicide told me how much he hated to hear this one resounding in his mind. I know what he means -- I hate to hear myself saying it, too.

"You know, you have to him him/her go." No, I don't have to, and I never will. The part of him/her that lives in my heart will stay put.

"All that anger is keeping you from healing." That might be true were "healing" an available outcome. Grieving isn't an illness that I can "heal from" Grieving is a process - a journey - and sadly the anger is part of the process - part of the journey... I don't think I will ever get over this, I just want to get through it...

"He or she is in a much better place now." His or her "place" was here for the 30-50+ years they lost. If they could have seen that their pain was temporary, he could have taken his time getting to that "better place."

"Well, you know that it's been more than (1 year, 2 years, 8 years, etc.) now." Sorry to be noncompliant but I'm still his Dad and will be forever.

"You've got to stop blaming yourself, it wasn't your fault. It was his/her free choice." A suicidal individual in the throes of unimaginable suffering can make a "free choice" but I don't have the right to feel responsible for missing his anguish?

"Too bad that he/she wasn't stronger." In the case of suicide, pain levels all. Experience psychache (intense psychological pain) and then talk to me about strength.

"Try to only remember the 'good times'." From a parent at a grieving conference who remarked "I never had any other kind of 'times' with my son before he died."

"I supposed that now that you have a grandson it makes up for losing your son."
What perverse logic led to that conclusion? Actually the little guy often reminds me of what I've lost and what my son's missing.

"You need help. You really ought to see somebody!" I'd really like to see my child again. That would help.

"I had a great Christmas with my family and all. Its really too bad that your daughter messed yours up!" This was said to a parent whose daughter was murdered by a drunk driver. Parents who've lost children wouldn't wish it on anybody, but maybe there are exceptions.

"Well, at least he went out with a bang." From a co-worker to the aunt of a 22 year old man killed by lightning.

"Good to see you back, time to get over it...your wife has to realize that you can't spend all your time at home...you have to treat this like a military operational loss..." From a "superior" officer to a father who lost his infant son at age 4 days.

"There was nothing anyone could have done." Few suicide grievers find any solace in this throwaway line. Maybe, just maybe, something damn well could have been done to save him!

"Did you know that he or she was mentally ill?" No comment.

"He/she must have been very disturbed to take their own life." I believe that he/she was in a tremendous amount of pain that I can't even begin to understand; I'm the one who's "disturbed" by your ignorance.

"You are young - you will have more children." But I want this child - I want the dreams we had for this child. Sadly this is a comment made all too often to parents who lose very young children or suffer miscarriages - believe me, this comment helps no one and is quite honestly, ignorant.

Be gentle - don't dwell on these or other hurtful comments and

forgive those who make them...