Sometimes I just need to cry..

Sometimes I Just Need to Cry!

~ Martha Honn, Bereaved Mom, BP/USA, So. IL Chapter (8.12.2006)

I feel that I am a very fortunate woman. Outwardly that may not be the first comment others would tend to make about me.

You see there has been quite a bit of pain in my life. When I was eight years old my father died by suicide and I was the one who found him. My first child was born with spina bifida. We were told he probably wouldn’t survive, but as I write this I will tell you he is almost 32 years old. However, he has had to endure many corrective surgeries and gets around in a wheelchair. My mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor and we anxiously waited to hear the outcome of that surgery. My mother survived with the only adverse effect being her loss of smell. My marriage ended in divorce after 20 years. The marriage wasn’t all bad, but I felt it slowly died during our last five years together. As a single mother of three I found life financially challenging even though I worked full time. Then in 1999 my youngest child died suddenly in an automobile accident.

I grieved and cried after each painful experience. The intense pain I felt the first few years after my son’s death has grown softer over the years. The pain in now part of the person I am today. The events that occurred prior to my son’s death played a part in preparing me for what was to come. Perhaps those previous painful experiences allowed me to acquire an inner strength that even I did not know I possessed.

I have learned the importance of releasing the pressure that builds up inside when I experience something painful in my life. I didn’t learn this overnight. Sometimes I did things wrong or in unhealthy ways before I learned to handle what life handed me in a more healthy way. I seem to be a student of the School of Hard Knocks. Crying and talking it out seem to work best for me. It allows me to periodically release the pressure I carry inside me.

In 2003 I remarried. While I couldn’t have asked for a more compassionate and understanding man, he is typical in his desire to fix whatever needs fixing. When I cry he so desperately wants to get me over the hump quickly. It’s hard for him to see me hurting so badly.

I have tried to help him understand the “pressure cooker effect” by explaining that if I don’t periodically release the pressure I will explode. We both came from farm backgrounds and both our mothers canned to preserve fresh food for our families using pressure cookers. Steam was periodically released from the pressure cooker. If the pressure was not released periodically, the lid blew off. I’m just like that pressure cooker because I need to periodically release the pressure. A good cry releases that pent-up pressure.

After a good cry I usually feel tired, but much better. Crying is a much needed release. It’s too bad more people don’t know about the pressure cooker effect. Maybe people would regard crying differently then. Yes, sometimes I just need to cry!

On a child's death...

ON A CHILD'S DEATH

~ Virginia Ellis ~

All heaven was in mourning,
The day that young man died;
When He closed His eyes, they said,
Ten thousand angels cried.

The angels shed their many tears,
Because He was God's Son;
But there is a special sadness,
When God takes the very young.

At times like that, I question God,
Why let a child die?
I cannot understand it,
And I need to ask Him why.

I, too, have heard the angels cry,
I've heard them cry first hand;
For I, too, gave up a child,
And I've tried hard to understand.

Yes, I received God's comfort,
Though I'm grateful, I want more;
I want reasons;  I want meaning,
I am a parent who's heart-sore.

God can give, and God can take,
I am well aware of this;
But, why my baby ... why my child?
Why did God put him on His list?

Did I love my child too much?
Was he too good for this old earth?
Had his purpose here been filled?
Was that why he was taken first?

I awake each day with questions,
I fall asleep at night, the same;
So many times I ask God why,
I'm both saddened and ashamed.

But then, in reflective moments,
When my prayers are most intense,
One word keeps going through my mind,
Patience ... patience ... patience.

Maybe now is not the time,
To explain this great heartache;
Even if I knew God's reasons,
What difference would it make?

Can't I just be grateful,
For any time we had?
Accept God's action without question?
Why is that so very bad?

What's my hurry ... why my pressure?
Is my faith not strong enough?
God will explain it when He's ready,
Surely I can trust that much.

God understands my broken heart,
He, too, gave up a Son;
He knows the pain of one lost child,
He weeps with me, and we are one.

Just as I talk to God each day,
I talk to my precious child;
I blow him kisses, and I say,
"See you, honey, in a while."

To all the moms who lost their children on 911.. we remember you and them...

Special thanks to Deeana Gambretti from Cherry Hill New Jersey for sharing this with us to remember all the moms and children impacted by these horrific acts... you are in our thoughts and prayers...

It will never be the same...

Unrealistically we hope that things will somehow be the same…that our life – our family – will get back to “normal”  As time goes on, we realize that “it will never be the same.”  We will always miss our loved one who has died.  At special holidays and family gatherings, there is always one person missing.  Some family members and friends assume that we are back to normal.  They just do not understand.

Once the horrific initial shock and sense of total denial of the initial few months begin to pass, the enormous and sad reality begins to become clear and for most of us, that is the time that seems the most difficult.  Our grief seems unbearable and we wonder if our heartache and sorrow is our new reality.  But life does go on and we don’t have a choice – we will and must go through this. 

What seems to complicate our grief is that once a few months have passed, many of those around us – our friend, co-workers and even family members, feel we are “getting better” and “moving on” but we know that’s so far from the truth – we are simply surviving and existing or when we don’t “get over it quickly enough” many people who we assumed would be there for us, pull away out f their own frustration of no knowing how and what to do to help us.  This is so common.  It is believed that this can be attributed in part to a general lack of knowledge of what grief is, leading to unrealistic expectations being placed on those who are grieving.  Sometimes it is helpful to communicate about our loss with someone new, since some old friends often just want us to return to our old selves again, which is unrealistic on their part.

So many times during the first year of mourning, especially following the holidays or anniversary of the death, those around us, as well as those of us who are grieving, may expect that everything will finally be OK and get better…  Be careful not to expect too much; because if and when things don’t magically “get better” many become discouraged.  There is and never will be a timetable for grief – it is different for each and every person on this journey and different for each and every time the journey is made…  So be gentle with yourself and those around you..  It’s best not to have unrealistic expectations and remind yourself over and over again, there is no timetable for grief.. 

~~ Author Unknown