Halloween - The dreaded holiday season is about to begin

There is no doubt that from Halloween until after the New Year, many of us who are grieving can be totally overwhelmed with emotions... even if it's been quite some time since your child died, the memories or lack of them) can haunt us and bring us back to that painful place we try so hard to move from...  

During the next  11-12 weeks we will try to share articles & experiences (some of which we've published in the past) that might help each of us prepare for and get through this difficult time..  Know that you will get through it, but being prepared can help ease your heartache and hopefully find a little...Cherie Houston.

THAT TIME OF YEAR - By Mary Cleckley -BP/USA Member at Large

It’s Halloween time again. Is that thought bothering you? It probably is, particularly if you had a little one who would have been out doing a little tricking and getting a lot of treating that night.

Or, maybe your child was too small or didn’t live to see even one Halloween. That hurts too, doesn’t it?

Sometimes we grieve for what was and sometimes we grieve for what could have been.

Maybe, like me, your child was too old for conning neighbors into treats, but it still is a hard night in the beginning. All special days and nights are. If you have small children who need

to be a part of this special night, maybe a family member or a good friend will accompany them on their appointed rounds. They’ll enjoy the evening just as much and you can

“treat” yourself by choosing to stop the world and got off for a little while. 

If you have no children at home, this may be a good time to close up shop for that one night. Take in a movie – or stay at home and give no inviting signs that say you want to participate in the festivities of the evening.

Do what is comfortable for you. One day you will be able to enjoy treating the little ones again. This just may not be the year. Isn’t it good to know our needs and abilities change as time goes by?

From Halloween until after the new arrives, know and accept that this time of year can be overwhelming, especially the first few years after your child has died, no matter their age.  Go easy on yourself and try to be patient with others - remember those around us mean well as they “encourage” us to participate during the holiday season, but remember you need to do what is right for you and those who love you will understand…

That Time of Year

~ Mary Cleckley -Bereaved Parents/Member at Large

It’s Halloween time again. Is that thought bothering you? It probably is, particularly if you had a little one who would have been out doing a little tricking and getting a lot of treating that night.

Or, maybe your child was too small or didn’t live to see even one Halloween. That hurts too, doesn’t it?

Sometimes we grieve for what was and sometimes we grieve for what could have been.

Maybe, like me, your child was too old for conning neighbors into treats, but it still is a hard night in the beginning. All special days and nights are. 

If you have small children who need to be a part of this special night, maybe a family member or a good friend will accompany them on their appointed rounds. They’ll enjoy the evening just as much and you can “treat” yourself by choosing to stop the world and get off for a little while. 

If you have no children at home, this may be a good time to close up shop for that one night. Take in a movie – or stay at home and give no inviting signs that say you want to participate in the festivities of the evening.

Do what is comfortable for you. One day you will be able to enjoy treating the little ones again. This just may not be the year. Isn’t it good to know our needs and abilities change as time goes by?

From Halloween until after the new year arrives, it helps to prepare ourselves that  this time of year can be overwhelming, especially the first few years after your child has died, no matter their age.  Go easy on yourself and try to be patient with others - remember those around us mean well as they “encourage” us to participate during the holiday season, but remember you need to do what is right for you and those who love you will understand…and if they don't, well that's OK too.. Cherie Houston

Halloween - A time of masks

Halloween is here again. For many of us the memories of long ago trick or treat adventures, and for some the pain of the “trick or treat adventures that never happened, often bring us to tears… And for others it is the fear of the holidays ahead.. now it begins....

But in addition to those fears and memories, or lack of memories, it also reminds me that Halloween is a time of masks. Yes, for many of us, when we are overwhelmed with grief and fear from losing our child, those first few months and sometimes for years, force us to don masks – sometimes intentionally, but more often than not, we don’t even realize that we are wearing them…. Yes masks are something that all of us who are grieving know quite well.

Even on our best days, before our lives changed forever by the death of our beloved children, it’s likely that from time to time we wore masks and weren’t aware of how others may have seen us.

But now, when we are working hard to rebuild our shattered worlds without our children, when we are coping with our grief, the masks we wear might cause others to back away from us.

Yes our masks might project soe very scary images to those around us. It might be a mask of total denial, or one that says very loundly that we will fall apart if spoken to or touched, or maybe the mask says, NO! It’s OK I’m just fine and don’t need you or anyone; or one that pleads-please don't speak to me or I'll cry; or maybe it's a masks that tells them to go around us-yes please act as though I’m invisible, or maybe it's a mask that says we just aren't here we are someplace else and we are not “present” at all… Yes the masks we wear can be frightening to those around us.

And because we often are not even aware that we are wearing these masks (which can sometimes change daily or even hourly) we may wonder why others don’t approach us.

Yes, they probably wanted to, they may have intended to hug us or hold our hand or ask us how we were doing or what they could do to help us, but our “mask” projected an image other than the way in which we feel inside… sad, lonely, vulnerable, hurting and heartbroken beyond belief, or maybe we hoped they know that we were just struggling to adjust, to adjust to our new life and future without our beloved child...

Yes, it’s just possible and even probable that when we are grieving, we never realize that others might be seeing us in a totally different way than what we are feeling or think we are projecting…

Despite the mask we are wearing, it helps everyone when we reach out to others first, it allows them to know it’s OK. It gives them permission to know that it’s OK to reach out to us. It tells them that yes we want and need them: to help us, be with us, speak our child’s name and share memories of our children as we continue on our journey from mourning to joy.
Yes - when we reach out to others first, it allows them to know that our mask is temporary. In time our mask fade and with their help it will disappear, and the new us, the person whom they know and love, will shine through again, stronger and more compassionate and loving and proud to share the legacy of our children gone before us...

May you enjoy a peace filled Halloween & Holiday season ahead ~ Cherie Houston