Death of a Child: ‘Unfinished Motherhood’

Thanks to Paula Sutton from Schenectady, New York for sending this to us to share on our blog – Paula is Grandma to her baby angel “Suzanne” who, at 4 months, went home to heaven last April 2011..  And she continually reminds her daughter, Daria, that yes – she is still and always will be a mom…

Death of a Child: ‘Unfinished Motherhood’

~ By Clara Hinton

When a child dies, a mother goes through a difficult time of emotional turmoil and questioning. “Am I still a mother?” “Does my child still have a birthday each year, or does time stand still?” “Can the mother/child relationship continue to grow, or am I now an ‘unfinished mother’?”

Losing a child often places a mother on a road that begins a lonelier journey than ever expected-one that can never really be explained. There was a beginning, but with the death of the child, there is no middle and no end. Everything seems so unfinished. Hopes and dreams were stopped far too soon. Joy was snatched away so suddenly. A mother is left with empty arms and an empty heart. Nothing can ever be complete when a child’s life ends.

When the death of a child occurs, a mother may suddenly feel inadequate and incomplete. She wears a new name. She may feel an “unfinished mother,” never being able to see the rest of the picture. She will never be able to watch her child mature into a young adult. She will never be able to see all the pieces fit together. The picture will always have part of the scenery missing. It is so painful to be an unfinished mother! Child loss makes everything seem so empty and incomplete.

There will come a critical point in this journey of grief when a mother must reach deep into her inner resources and make a conscious decision to accept herself just as she is-a mother whose heart has been touched by the pain and grief of child-loss. Only then can she start to put together some of the broken pieces and begin to feel like there will be a day when she will feel more like a complete mother than an unfinished mother.

A mother is never “unfinished.” No matter how brief her time was with her child, the bond of love between mother and child was complete. A mother’s love for her child is unending. Dreams may shatter and circumstances may change, but a mother’s love remains strong. As a mother travels the path to healing, it is important for her to remind herself often that she is a mother forever. Her motherhood did not stop when her child died.

This understanding of motherhood releases the feelings of guilt and failure and allows a mother to begin to see herself as a whole person again-a complete mother.

A mother is never an “unfinished mother.” A mother’s love runs far too deep for that! 

In the Springtime of Your Grief

~ by Judi Fischer, TCF, Cleveland, Ohio

Spring has fragile beginnings; a tiny shoot of green that emerges from the cold earth, a hint of pastel against the brownish grass, a bud that awakens with the morning sun. Sometimes spring comes so quietly we almost miss it, but once it begins, it is impossible to ignore the daily growth and change. The morning sun brings sounds that were not there before. The breeze carries warmth that invites us to venture outside of ourselves. A promise is released with the budding and blossoming surrounding us. Hope emerges for the beginning of a new season; change is in the air.

What we experience in the springtime of the year is what we can experience in the spring-time of our grief. There begins to be a growing radiance. The radiance is not just around us; it is within us. A gradual warming of the heart silences the chill of intense pain. The natural unfolding of the grief process moves gently to remind us that we will survive. Life is changing and growth emerges through the changes. The song of our hearts that seemed off key begins to experience a harmonious blend of the past and the present. The songs of the birds invite us to join them in a celebration of a new life. In the springtime of our grief, there can be a new song for us to sing. It will be a song we composed through the heart-ache of loss.

Optimism for a better day may awaken us one morning. Hearing laughter and discovering it is coming from within ourselves gives us promise for today. Dreams and hopes for a better tomorrow shine brightly with the morning sun. Surviving the winter of our grief with the openness to embrace change is a decision to embrace loss and integrate its impact into the fabric of our lives. It can be a willingness to explore new possibilities that create a different landscape to behold.

We can make a decision that we will begin to appreciate what we still have, not just focus on what is missing. We will know when we have made that decision. Something buds; something opens. The harshness of winter is softened with new life and new growth. It is not something we can force; it is something that unfolds when the time is right.

The springtime of grief arrives with no dramatic entrance, no flashing lights. The stillness of the beauty unfolds and captures our attention. It is happening around us, but it is also happening in us.

If spring has already crossed the path of your personal journey of grief, rejoice! But, if the chill of winter remains in your heart, be encouraged; spring is on its way. Look for it, expect it and it will be yours to experience around you and in you!

Grief is all consuming..

Grieving is all consuming and pervades every part of your being to the exclusion of everything else, your body, mind and spirit are all weathering a shock. The experience of grief and loss is extremely personal and different for everyone, but be gentle and compassionate with yourself. .

So many around us want to help us during this process – they want to help “make it better”, but they often have no idea of the inner turmoil you are experiencing, or mean well and will encourage you to do this or do that – do what is right for you.

It is so important that you consider and concentrate on yourself at this time. Listen to your heart, and do what feels right for you, even if it goes against family wishes and reember you are going to feel:

• Sadness, grief, sorrow, mourning, depression and even suicidal thoughts


• Guilt and regret; anger, disappointment, rage, fury


• Numbness, fear, panic and anxiety
  

Express your feelings so you can move through them, rather than getting stuck in them and know that it’s normal to experience:

• Inability to concentrate or focus on a task


• "Stinking thinking," often associated with feelings of guilt or remorse


• Confusion or short attention span


• Failure to process facts and details accurately


• Forgetfulness or even a sense of amnesia
  

Don't worry and be patient with yourself – these symptoms will lessen and disappear in time. Most professionals will remind you to avoid making any major life decisions until you feel a bit less foggy. So if you must make any big decisions, ask for help from others whom you trust.. Trust your gut...

Infant death: Grief and the path to remembrance – Part 1 of 2

Grief can cloud much of the remaining good in life, especially in the period right after an infant death. Here are some suggestions that might help as you move forward on this journey after the death of your infant.

~ By Mayo Clinic staff, Shawna Ehlers, Ph.D.

Infant death is one of the most devastating experiences any parent could face. Nothing can take away the pain or fill the baby's place in your heart — but it may help to acknowledge your grief and share feelings with others who've had similar losses.

Here, Shawna Ehlers, Ph.D., a psychologist at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn., and an assistant professor of psychology at the College of Medicine, Mayo Clinic, answers challenging questions about coping with infant death.

No one wants to talk about my baby's death. How can I feel secure acknowledging my loss? It's important to find social support for your grief. Acknowledging your baby's death — as well as your lost hopes and dreams for the baby's future — is an important part of the grieving process. It's often comforting and therapeutic to connect with other parents who've experienced infant death. This can be done through face-to-face support groups or Web sites devoted to grieving the loss of a baby. Consider professional counseling at any point, especially if you don't feel supported in your grief or you don't notice any improvement within the first six to 12 months.

How can I help my friends and loved ones understand what I'm feeling? Grieving is physically and emotionally exhausting. But friends and loved ones may not understand the intensity of your grief or your need for unconditional support. Focus on spending time with friends or loved ones who offer the type of understanding and encouragement you need. To help others understand what you're experiencing, you may want to share material on infant death from your doctor, support group or helpful Web sites. Avoid being drawn into arguments, however. If you're facing someone who doesn't support your grief, explain that the situation is just too difficult to discuss with him or her. If you ended a much-wanted pregnancy, carried a pregnancy to term knowing the baby wouldn't survive or discontinued life support for your critically ill baby, you may carry an even heavier emotional burden. If others pass judgment on your decision, you may feel isolated and even more desolate. Support from an understanding grief group or professional counselor can be invaluable.

I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Is this normal? An infant death is traumatic. You may be plagued with anger or guilt — or perhaps you're tormented by questions that simply can't be answered. All of these emotions are normal. How you handle your emotions is up to you. Remember, everyone copes with grief in different ways. Some parents find solace is creating a memorial for the baby. You may hold a funeral or memorial service, assemble treasured photos, or store a baby blanket or favorite toy. As you come to terms with your feelings, maintain your physical health. Eat healthy foods, include physical activity in your daily routine, and spend time with supportive friends and loved ones.

Part 2 will be continued in our next blog on April 5th, 2011....

Finding Peace, Joy & Happiness

~ by Cherie Houston

Losing anyone in our lives that we love is tragic – but the death of a child is uniquely tragic… Joining life again when we are mourning and grieving is a decision we need to make - not immediately, but eventually..  Yes this is a decision which won’t happen overnight but eventually in time, it is a decision we must all make and once we do, it takes an effort to find and create the joy, laughter, love and peace that once came so easily to us…

 

There are many books on the subject, but there are some basic tips that can help us once we make the decision to “live again” that others have found helped them on this journey to joy…

 

AVOID SAD & DEPRESSING NEWS – so that might mean not watching or listening to the news for a while… When we are struggling to pull ourselves out of the normal depression that comes with grief, it is hard to do that when we listen or watch the nightly news that seems to revel in nothing but bad news…

 

GET OUTDOORS AND INTO THE SUNLIGHT as much as possible – all studies confirm that gloomy days and do cause us to also be gloomy – conversely being outdoors and in the sunshine has the opposite effect and improves our spirits… remember how relaxing and happy you were when you laid on the beach or in the green grass and watched the clouds go by…

LAUGH – watch a funny movie, read a funny book or the comics or listen to a comedian.. Laughter is good for our soul and is proven to improve health- It’s true: studies indicate that laughter, along with an active sense of humor, may help protect you against a heart attack, according to a recent study by cardiologists at the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore. The study, which is the first to indicate that laughter may help prevent heart disease, found that people with heart disease were 40 percent less likely to laugh in a variety of situations compared to people of the same age without heart disease.   "The old saying that 'laughter is the best medicine,' definitely appears to be true when it comes to protecting your heart," says Michael Miller, M.D., director of the Center for Preventive Cardiology at the University of Maryland Medical Center and a professor of medicine at the University of Maryland School of Medicine.

CONCENTRATE ON SOMEONE ELSE – Personally I think this is why support groups, such as our Mom’s Bereavement Group is so beneficial.. No matter how horribly we are hurting or grieving, when a new mom arrives – it helps us when we help her – even that hug or holding of her hand as she tries to listen to what is being said – always helps us more than the person we think we are helping… when we focus on someone else, even for a short while, we are stepping out of our pain and sorrow, and that is healthy…

 

DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE – Whether it is your elderly neighbor, or babysitting for that new mom in your neighborhood, helping out at your local hospital, nursing home or school – doing something for someone else – again allows us to step outside our own pain and grieving, and yes that is healthy – As hard as it might be to do this, tell yourself that you need to do this as a tribute to or in memory of your child… Imagine how proud they would be to know you have done this…

 

EACH DAY WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU ARE GRATEFUL FOR – At first this might be very difficult because we can’t imagine being thankful for anything – we just want our child back.

Eventually however, you will find that you will be grateful not only for the time you had with your child, but for all the wonderful things they gave you and no matter how old your child was - they gave us so many things to be grateful for:

• The young mom who lost her child early by miscarriage may be grateful for the joy of feeling life for the first time
• The mom of an adult child may be grateful for all the wonderful memories or for having been blessed with grandchildren
• The mother of a young child, might be grateful for that drawing on her refrigerator that your her 8 year old drew before they went home to heaven…

Eventually, your list will include other family members and events, your own health and much much more… Yes – eventually you will realize just how blessed and how much you have that brings you happiness and that you have to be grateful for and the longer your list becomes - the happier you will also become.. 

 

SHAKE OFF THE ANGER - this can be very hard especially if your child took their own life, or died in an auto accident by someone who was careless, or was murdered, or in the wrong place at the wrong time, or caught the flu, or was genetically predisposed to a disease - yes no matter how they died - anger is something we all feel at one time or another..  But we need to allow that anger to dissipate and while we are doing that, we need to find healthy ways to let off steam: exercise, make music, garden, paint, write out your thoughts in a journal. If you can't shake the anger, or continue to feel overwhelmed, it might be helpful to ask a professional (our minister, priest, rabbi or psychologist or doctor) to help us to handle the anger...

Being happy and finding joy and peace in the world around us is a conscious decision that only we can make…Happiness and joy are normal and healthy and in no way disrespect our children (or any family member) who are no longer with us, just the opposite – living your life to the fullest are wonderful tributes to your children…

Helping Yourself Heal When Your Child Dies – Part 5 of 6

~~ Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

Embrace Your Treasure of Memories - Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of your child. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring these memories, share them with your family and friends. Keep in mind that memories can be tinged with both happiness and sadness. If your memories bring laughter, smile. If your memories bring sadness, then it's all right to cry. Memories that were made in love – no one can take them away from you.

Gather Important Keepsakes - You may want to collect some important keepsakes that help you treasure your memories. You may want to create a memory book, which is a collection of photos that represent your child's life. Some people create memory boxes to keep special memories. Then, whenever you want, you can open up your memory box and embrace these special memories. The reality that your child has died does not diminish your need to have these objects. They are a tangible, lasting part of the special relationship you had with your child.

Embrace Your Spirituality - If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of the death of your child, realize this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won't be critical of whatever thought and feelings you need to explore.

You may hear someone say, "With faith, you don't need to grieve". Don't believe it. Having your personal faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and explore your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is to invite problems that build up inside you. Express your faith, but express your grief as well.

Note: Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing clinical thanatologist. He serves as a Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School in the Department of Family Medicine. – From the website: http://www.buddhanet.net/r_child.htm

In The Springtime of Your Grief

~ By Judi Fisher, Cleveland, Ohio - Compassionate Friends

Spring has fragile beginnings: a tiny shoot of green that emerges from the cold earth, a hint of pastel against the brownish grass, a bud that awakes with the morning sun. Sometimes spring comes so quietly we almost miss it, but once it begins, it is impossible to ignore the daily growth and change. The morning sun brings sounds that were not there before. The breeze carries warmth that invites us to venture outside of ourselves. A promise is released with the budding and blossoming surrounding us. Hope emerges for the beginning of a new season: change is in the air.

What we experience in the springtime of the year is what we can experience in the springtime of our grief. There begins to be a growing radiance. The radiance is not just around us, it is within us. A gradual warming of the heart silences the chill of intense pain. The natural unfolding of the grief process moves gently to remind us that we will survive.

Life is changing and growth emerges through the changes. The song of our hearts that seemed off key, begins to experience a harmonious blend of the past and the present. The songs of the birds invite us to join them in a celebration of new life. In the springtime of our grief, there can be a new song for us to sing. It will be a song we composed through the heartache of loss.

Optimism for a better day may awaken us one morning. Hearing laughter and discovering it is coming from within ourselves gives us promise for today. Dreams and hopes for a better tomorrow shine brightly with the morning sun.

Surviving the winter of our grief with the openness to embrace change is a decision to embrace loss and integrate its impact into the fabric of our lives. It can be a willingness to explore new possibilities that create a different landscape to behold. We can make a decision that we will begin to appreciate that we still have, not just focus on what is missing.

We will know when we have made that decision. Something buds; something opens. The harshness of winter is softened with new life and new growth. It is not something we can force, it is something that unfolds when the time is right. The springtime of grief arrives with no dramatic entrance, no flashing lights. The stillness of the beauty unfolds and captures our attention. It is happening around us, but it is also happening in us.

If spring has already crossed the path of your personal journey of grief, rejoice! But if the chill of winter remains in your heart, be encouraged; spring is on it’s way. Look for it, expect it, and it will be yours to experience around you and in you!

COPING WITH GRIEF-Surviving Loss-10 Suggestions (Part 2 of 3)

~published by Western Washington University/09.04.2009

3. Take Time To Make Decisions. People who have been very dependent on the deceased find themselves lost in the world. They are afraid to give themselves direction, to make mistakes, to ask, to try. Yet making mistakes is the way in which we learn and develop trust in ourselves. We need to be patient with ourselves as we gradually learn to make decisions.


4. Take Time To Share. The greatest need of the bereaved is to have someone to share their pain, their memories and their sadness. In life, we can only accept that which we can share. Bereaved people need others to give them time and space to grieve. When you are grieving, you might need someone who looks backward, because the past, not the future, remains the source of comfort in the early stages of grief. Sharing our memories and feelings with people who are grieving themselves is especially helpful and therapeutic.

5. Take Time To Believe. To survive is to find meaning in suffering. Suffering that has meaning to it is endurable. However, meaning doesn't just happen. At times, our grief can shake up our faith. For many people, religion-- with its rituals, the promise of an afterlife and its community support--offers a comforting and strengthening base in the lonely encounter with helplessness and hopelessness. Our faith does not take away our grief but helps us live with it.

6. Take Time To Forgive. The feeling of guilt and the need for forgiveness accompany many of our experiences, especially those that have remained unfinished. We might feel guilty about what we did or didn't do, about the clues we missed, about the things we said or failed to say. As we review our lives and our relationship with the deceased, there will always be things which are less than ideal. We need to accept our imperfections and make peace with ourselves.

We cannot judge our yesterdays with the knowledge of today. So torturing ourselves for the things we did and wished we hadn't done, or dwelling on the things we didn't do, doesn't change anything. It only makes us miserable. We certainly need to own and express our anger, but there is also a need for forgiveness.