Struggling in the Valley

I remember very well the day that our founder, Joyce Floyd, gave this to me early in 2010 ..  I was really struggling with my son Bobby's death a few months before and truly wondering if I'd make it through this "process:"...  up one day for a few hours and then CRASH with a pain that was all consuming!!!! I'd traveled this road before in the early 70's when in 71 our daughter Randee Marie had died and then again the following year when our daughter Robin passed away.. But this time was worse, or so it seemed...  Grief is a mess and I'd forgottenhow long the roller coaster would last... but eventually the horrible pain does soften and peaceand joy will return to your life...I promise...  Cherie Houston

Frankly, grief is a MESS!  It’s like a never ending horrible nightmarish roller coaster ride, filled with horrifying twists and turns, steep drops and sheer cliffs.  It hurts so much that it leaves us gasping for breath and wishing for the comfort of a coma.  We wish we had died, but suffer the realization that we didn’t.  And that’s the trouble!  We didn’t die…we’re stuck in this living nightmare and we can’t see any escape route.  IT is a journey we never asked for and don’t want to explore.  Yet, we struggle in the VALLEY, hoping and praying for relief, only to discover that even our prayers seem to go unanswered.  It is a lonely and desperate time.

It seems endless and we grow weary of the storms and winds of grief.  Yet, the OTHER SIDE OF GRIEF sounds just as scary.  So many people have told us what we SHOULD and OUGHT to do in order to achieve recovery that it all seems to blur into emptiness.  They talk about ‘closure’ and we don’t even know what that means!  Does that mean you have to forever ‘close’ the story of your loved one’s life?  Or does it mean you should never again grieve?  Or maybe, it means you should not talk about your loved one anymore.  What does ‘closure’ mean and what does recovery mean?

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS although many think they do.  It is easy to grow tired of breathing and of coping creatively with the thousands of footsteps that have to be taken.

You have discovered that Death is an injury…..a severe and devastating psychological wound that causes great pain and trauma in the early weeks and months and years.  Yet, eventually, and over a great period of time, that injury does heal and you must then learn to live with the scar that is left.

Adapting to the loss of our Children

Thank you Paula B. for sharing this article with us - Paula is a member of BP/Bereaved parents in Ohio and shared this within months of when I first began this blog...   she said it helped her to realize she was going to survive the loss of her beloved daughter Sara, who was 20 when she died several years before in an auto accident..  I hope it will also help you as you strive to find peace and your new normal...

"Adapting to the loss of a loved one"

~ by Wendy Bridger

Have you ever sat down and played a piano where one of the keys wasn't working? Or made cookies and left out an ingredient? Perhaps you've started listening to a favorite CD, and just when it gets to your favorite part of your favorite song, you realize that there is a scratch in it.

In some ways, losing a loved one is similar. Here you are going easily through life, and then, BAM, they are gone and life will never be the same. That piano piece sounds different because the middle C is broken, the cookies just aren't the same, and at times, we are frustrated like we are when our CD gets scratched. 

Unfortunately, with the loss of a loved one, it is more difficult to fix than the piano or the batch of cookies, and your loved one was irreplaceable, unlike the CD. Short and simple, this is what grieving is: learning to cope with the loss of someone who was apart of what made us what we are. So, what do we do? How do we go on after they are gone? I have a few suggestions that might help you through.

First of all, just as each of us has different personalities, each of us grieves in a different way. There is no right or wrong way to feel or act, as long as you are not endangering yourself or others. Some of us cry. Others of us bury ourselves in work or hobbies. If the person is still living and only the relationship has changed, it is very easy for us to do all we can to change things back to how they used to be. At times, it may take a while to truly even admit that they are gone. We just might feel numb. Some of us might even feel guilty if we don't feel sad enough! So, take your feelings and actions for what they are and be patient with yourself. After all, you have just lost a part of what makes you who you are.

Also, find a way to transition your loved one into your new life. My father in law lost his dad last year and he hung a picture of him up in the living room to remember him. Others write goodbye letters to their loved one, giving themselves a chance to tell them things that they never got to say. Some of us keep a little box full of pictures and memories only to be taken out when we want to remember them, because remembering them all the time would be too overwhelming. I had a friend who's little brother died. She got married on his birthday as a way to include him at her wedding. Once again, it depends on you and your relationship with the one you loved. For instance, burning every picture you had of an ex-boyfriend might be the perfect way to transition.

Another thing, you usually don't ever "get over it." Your loved one is gone. If you no longer have an ingredient to make cookies, it's easy to realize that replacing it with a different ingredient would not make the cookies start tasting like they used to. To expect that you will be able to replace your loved one is also unrealistic. This reality may sound even more depressing. Frankly, I love chocolate chip cookies, and the idea of not ever having one again is quite upsetting! But in time, if I had to, I could grow to love other sweets, like banana bread, sweet potato pie, or brownies. So, even if you aren't going to get over it, in time, you will adapt to the loss and find fulfillment through other experiences and relationships.

So, be patient with yourself. Losing someone isn't easy. It turns your life upside down. Naturally, it's going to take a while to pick up the pieces and transition to life without your loved one. Remember, Beethoven composed some beautiful music after losing his hearing, and you will find happiness and fulfillment again in your life after losing your loved one.

¹Wordern, J.W. (1991). Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A guidebook for the Mental Health Practitioner. Springer Publishing

CHOOSING LIFE....

~ Marcia Ali; Reprinted from the BP/USA St. Louis Chapter Newsletter

“It will never be the same.  Never.”  As a bereaved parent you have often heard or said these words to express grief’s profound feelings of sorrow and disorientation.  Your life has suddenly taken an unexpected course and that appears both uncharged and endless.  Bewildered you vainly search for pathways back to your former life, until you confront the reality that there is no way back.  Your child is dead forever.  It is then that you may say, “never the same.”

This is the aspect of the grief that Simon Stephens calls the Valley of the Shadow.  It is that very long time between the death of your child and your reinvestment in life.  Between.  It is not supposed to be a permanent resting place.  Although some people do take up residence in the Valley, it is a transition from the death of your child to life with renewed purpose.

The key to this transition is yourself.  You must choose between life and the Valley.  You and only you can decide.  And you must make that decision again and again, each day.

Giving in to the hopelessness of the Valley is tempting.  Choosing to move on toward life requires a great deal of work.  You must struggle with the pain of grief to resolve it.  It is a daily struggle full of tears, anger, guilt, and self-doubt.  But it is the only alternative to surrendering yourself to the Valley.

Little by little you choose to move on.  Little by little you progress toward the other side of the Valley.  It takes a very long time, far longer than your friends or relatives suspected.  Far longer than you had believed – even prayed – that it would be.  When one day you find yourself able to do more than choose merely to live…but also how to live, you will know you are leaving the Valley of the Shadow.  There is more work to do, more struggles and choosing.  The Valley, however, stretches behind rather than in front of you.

When you have resolved your grief by reinvesting in life, you will be able to realize that nothing is ever “the same.”  Life is change.  We would not have it be otherwise, for that is the Valley of the Shadow.  Change has the promise of beginning and the excitement of discovery.

LIFE is never the same.  Life is change.  Choose life! 

What to expect along this journey from mourning to joy - Part 2 of 2

Yes - the death of a child is the most challenging life task we will ever endure.  Along this journey from mourning to joy, there are many emotional and physical ways in which our journey will take us.  Much of this journey is beyond your control - there is no order to the journey.  But it does help to know that what you are experiencing is normal  - you are not crazy and you are not alone...  We hope that knowing what you might experience will help ease your broken heart...

~ Denial of your loss, thinking that your child will return.

~ Needing to tell and retell the story of your child’s death

~ Inability to function in your job

~ Sensing your child’s presence or an odor or touch associated with your child

~ Having difficulty grocery shopping because of seeing your child’s favorite food(s) on the shelves

~ Irrationally upset with yourself if you smile or laugh, thinking how can I smile, my child is DEAD!

~ Feelings as if your spouse or other family member don’t understand your grief or are not grieving as you think they should. Remember all of us grieve differently.

~ Losing old friends who don’t seem to understand your pain and grief

~ Making new friends through support groups with members who have also experienced the death of a child and therefore understand your feelings.

~ Feeling like you are making progress in your grief work, then slip back into the old feelings.

~ Grief work usually is a succession of two steps forward and one step back over a long period of time

~ Becoming frustrated with others who expect you to “over this” in a month, six months or a year and who say so. Or even being frustrated with yourself for expecting to be “over this” too soon.

~ Grief work form the death of your child is a SLOW process.

~ Be patient with yourself. You are a bereaved Mother.

~ Be gentle with yourself. You are GRIEVING.

What to expect along this journey from mourning to joy - Part 1 of 2

The death of a child is the most challenging life task we will ever endure.  Along this journey from mourning to joy, there are many emotional and physical ways in which our journey will take us.  Much of this journey is beyond your control - there is no order to the journey.  But it does help to know that what you are experiencing is normal  - you are not crazy and you are not alone... 

Those of us who have made this journey before you, have found that knowing or at least being aware of what we might experience helps to ease the pain and alleviate the fear that we are losing our minds... You are not losing your mind - your child has died and you are learning to cope with a tremendous loss.  Your mind and body are simply adjusting to your new reality and that takes time... 

You may experience some or all of these... but know that your journey is yours, very personal and different from anyone elses.  But also remember, that no matter how difficult your journey may be, there are many people who love and care about you.  Turn to those who love and care about you, reach out and allow them to help you, even if that is only to sit with you as your heart breaks..and remember those of us who have made this journey before you are always here for you - your sisters in grief..

Some of the things you may experience or feel are:

~ Depression

~ A profound longing and emptiness

~ Wanting to die. This feeling passes in time; because you will realize that you must go on for the sake of your remaining family members, yourself and your child who died.

~ Profound sadness

~ Crying all the time or at unexpected times

~ Inability to concentrate on anything, frequently misplacing items

~ Wondering “Why???”

~ Forgetfulness

~ Questioning yourself over and over: “If only I had…..?” “Why didn’t I…..?”

~ Placing unnecessary guilt on yourself or others.

~ Anger with yourself, family members, God, the doctor and even your child for dying.

~ Fearing that you are going crazy! (very normal)

~ Great physical exhaustion. Grief is HARD work and consumes much energy!

~ Difficulty sleeping or sleeping all the time to avoid the pain.

~ Physical symptoms such as heaviness in your chest or having difficulty breathing, tightness in your throat, yawning, sighing, gasping or even hyperventilating.

~ Lack of appetite or overeating

~ Weight gain or weight loss

~ Anxiety (Often associated with overprotective behavior toward surviving children and other family members.)

CHOOSING LIFE

~ ~ By Marcia Ali; Reprinted from the BP/USA St. Louis Chapter Newsletter

“It will never be the same. Never.” As a bereaved parent you have often heard or said these words to express grief’s profound feelings of sorrow and disorientation. Your life has suddenly taken an unexpected course and that appears both uncharged and endless. Bewildered you vainly search for pathways back to your former life, until you confront the reality that there is no way back. Your child is dead forever. It is then that you may say, “never the same.”

This is the aspect of the grief that Simon Stephens calls the Valley of the Shadow. It is that very long time between the death of your child and your reinvestment in life. Between. It is not supposed to be a permanent resting place. Although some people do take up residence in the Valley, it is a transition from the death of your child to life with renewed purpose.

The key to this transition is yourself. You must choose between life and the Valley. You and only you can decide. And you must make that decision again and again, each day.

Giving in to the hopelessness of the Valley is tempting. Choosing to move on toward life requires a great deal of work. You must struggle with the pain of grief to resolve it. It is a daily struggle full of tears, anger, guilt, and self-doubt. But it is the only alternative to surrendering yourself to the Valley.

Little by little you choose to move on. Little by little you progress toward the other side of the Valley. It takes a very long time, far longer than your friends or relatives suspected. Far longer than you had believed – even prayed – that it would be. When one day you find yourself able to do more than choose merely to live…but also how to live, you will know you are leaving the Valley of the Shadow. There is more work to do, more struggles and choosing. The Valley, however, stretches behind rather than in front of you.

When you have resolved your grief by reinvesting in life, you will be able to realize that nothing is ever “the same.” Life is change. We would not have it be otherwise, for that is the Valley of the Shadow. Change has the promise of beginning and the excitement of discovery.

LIFE is never the same. Life is change. Choose life!

Helping Yourself Heal When Your Child Dies – Part 4 of 6

~~ Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

Talk About Your Grief - Express your grief openly. When you share your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Ignoring your grief won't make it go away; talking about it often makes you feel better. Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn't mean you are losing control or going "crazy". It is a normal part of your grief journey.

Watch Out for Cliches - Cliches - trite comments some people make in attempts to diminish your loss - can be extremely painful for you to hear. Comments like, "You are holding up so well", "Time heals all wounds", "Think of what you have to be thankful for" or "You have to be strong for others" are not constructive. While these comments may be well-intended, you do not have to accept them. You have every right to express your grief. No one has the right to take it away.

Develop a Support System - Reaching out to others and accepting support is often difficult, particularly when you hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can do at this difficult time is to find a support system of caring friends and relatives who will provide the understanding you need. Seek out those people who encourage you to be yourself and acknowledge your feelings – both happy and sad.

A support group may be one of the best ways to help yourself. In a group, you can connect with other parents who have experienced the death of a child. You will be allowed and gently encouraged to talk about your child as much, and as often, as you like.

Sharing the pain won't make it disappear, but it can ease any thoughts that what you are experiencing is crazy, or somehow bad. Support comes in different forms for different people – find out what combinations work best for you and try to make use of them.

Note: Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing clinical thanatologist. He serves as a Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School in the Department of Family Medicine. – From the website: http://www.buddhanet.net/r_child.htm

MARCH - A MONTH OF TRANSITION

~ Author Unknown"

The first day of any new month seems reason enough to pause, perhaps, and reflect on the significance or meaning that each of us might "connect" with a new month. For me, March has always signified a time of transition, a slow but steady emergence from the dark depths of winter into the first, but sure, signs of spring. Something like the “light at the end of the tunnel.”

This spring will have a different meaning for each of us. For some, especially the newly bereaved, there will be a reluctance to accept it—a feeling of longing for the child with whom we would have liked to share it. You may wish to ignore the signs of the year’s springs, but it will happen anyway. But you don’t have to enjoy it. Your sorrow is too new to let you enjoy anything. We understand this feeling. It’s part of the guilt we feel for surviving the loss of a child. It just won’t seem fair to you that the world goes on much the same as before.

Others of us, with the aid of time, sometimes much time, can face spring with a little more resolve. The decision to accept things the way they are allows us to recognize our limitations. We stop hurting ourselves with guilt or with the responsibility to change things. There is no way to change the fact that our children have died. The only thing we can change is ourselves. Those children will always be with us in our minds and in our hearts. When we become secure in this belief, we will have changed. The changed person can accept life again and still be faithful to the memory of her child.