Grandparent Grief - Helping Your Grieving Child (part 2 of 3)

Grandparent Grief - Helping Your Grieving Child (part 2 of 3)  Continued from Blog Posting on September 27th,2012..

~ By Margaret H. Gerner

One grandmother told me: Timmie's death is tearing me up, but seeing my daughter, Terry, in such pain is much worse. She is so different. The sadness I see in her eyes haunts me. Nothing pleases her. She's not interested in anything. All she does is talk about Timmie. She tells me she just wants to die so she can be with him. She cries and cries and there isn't anything I can do to make it better for her. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I felt like Timmie's grandmother. While I knew what Dorothy's needs were, and I tried to meet them every way I could. There were times I doubted that anything I did helped. I wanted to "kiss it and make it better;" and I wanted her better now. Without a moment's hesitation, I would have gladly taken her pain myself. I missed my precious Emily, but the feelings of helplessness around Dorothy's pain were even greater.

This is the hardest part of being a bereaved grandparent. There will be times you feel that nothing you do makes a difference. You will think your child will never "get over" this. But remember, the grief will not always be as intense and devastating as today, and your help will be forever appreciated.

The most important thing you can do is to understand your child's grief. If you have never lost a child yourself, then read The Bereaved Parent, by Harriet Schiff or any other book you can get your hands on that will help you to understand the unique, intense grief that is part of the loss of a child. Be assured, your child is not emotionally ill. There is no grief exactly like that which comes with the loss of a child.

There are several factors that make parental grief unique:

Loss of Part of Self - The parent/child relationship is the most intense that life can generate. The child was literally a part of the parent at one time. When you lose a child, you lose a part of yourself.

Loss of Meaning - Children give direction to life. Rearing and providing for them becomes a primary goal. With a child's death, even if there are other children, this goal changes. Life seems meaningless.

Loss of Support - Expectations are that parents will lean on each other and support each other. Parents themselves expect this, but it rarely happens. Each parent is so debilitated by grief that neither has the energy to support the other. One mother said, "It's impossible to lean on a tree that is already bending." Loss of support takes many forms.

Different grieving styles can create problems in a relationship. One may grieve openly, with much expression. The other may grieve inwardly and quietly. It is difficult for parents with opposite coping styles to respect the other's way of grieving. The inward-griever doesn't want to see the constant crying and lamenting of the other. The open-griever doesn't think the other one cares or has feelings. This leads to wrong assumptions and misinterpretations of feelings.

Changes in sexual activities can create problems, too. One may want the warmth and intimacy that intercourse gives them, while the other may suddenly find sex repulsive.

Guilt and blame can also prevent support. One may blame the other for real or imagined wrongs. The one blamed may withdraw with intense guilt feelings. This can create a wedge that may take professional help to resolve, especially if, in fact, one was somehow involved in the death.

 This series is continued in our next Blog Posting – Part 3, on October 5, 2012

For those fortunate enough to have never lost a child…

Most parents who are coping with the death of a child or children are commonly frustrated and saddened by well-meaning family, friends and co-workers who don’t understand why they can’t “move on” or “get back to normal”…  

Since I began this blog almost 3 years ago after the death of my third child, my 36 year old son Bobby,  I’ve written many postings about why I think others can’t understand, typically trying to give them the benefit of the doubt…  I recently received the following from a mom in England, who asked that I not share her name – but she tells me it was written by a grieving dad and it is to me the most powerful response to those well meaning “outsiders” that I’ve ever read….I know its longer than most of our postings, but believe me, it’s also one of the most powerful…  

I don’t know this dad, or where he’s from, but I want to thank him on behalf of all of us, for being so eloquent – for saying what I think may of us feel and think to ourselves ~ but have never been able to say as well.  Furthermore I hope this dad, Alan Carnahan,  won’t mind that this is one article I will share annually on our blog….Cherie Houston

For those fortunate enough to have never lost a child…

~by Alan Carnahan, grieving father

You say it’s time for me to “move on” in my grief. Perhaps you’re right or perhaps you just don’t realize what you’re asking. So, why don’t you try this little exercise and maybe it will help you get a better perspective on what I am going through. To make this really hit home for you it should be practiced for at least 24 hours. The longer the better; but, we do not have that long, so we will do it for 10 minutes. Don’t blow this off as a stupid idea. It works along the same lines as blindfolding yourself to experience being without sight.

First of all, think about your child.

I want you to try to imagine the worst thing in the world that your beloved child died. Whatever age or stage of development, whether he or she lives with you or not, just imagine you won’t ever see that child on earth again.

Let me explain to you the reality…try to imagine, if you can, never seeing your child again, never hearing his/her laugh, never hearing the sound of their voice, never smelling the scent you have come to recognize as your child…. never hearing them say “I love you”…nothing – just silence, emptiness…..

Now imagine never seeing your child’s smile, never seeing him upset or happy, never watching him sleep…missing them so much that you are twisted up inside and the pain stays with you 24/7.

You smell their pillow, their clothes, you look at his pictures and can only cry – what happened, why?

You have never felt longing like this in your life! Longing to hear his voice, to see his face again,…and to know deep in your soul you cannot fix this.

Now, imagine every single thing that used to give you joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. Not a gradual thing, but going from pleasure to hurt, from happiness to sadness, from peace to no peace, changing overnight. Every thing you loved now hurts like hell… For example: music. I used to be a band director. Music was a big part of my life. Now it’s hard for me to listen to it It sears me like a red hot knife with the pain of losing my child, it cuts me wide open, especially rap music……my son loved rap music. Almost every song reminds me of the void in my life without my child. I am not unique in that pain – if you lost a child you would know. That is just one little example of how your life is affected by the loss of your child. Just ONE example!

Now imagine calling all your family and friends to tell them your child died.

Next; go to a funeral home and discuss caskets or cremation, headstone, burial plots, etc. Pick out a favorite outfit for your child to be buried in and the flowers that lay at the alter. Sit down and write out the obituary for the newspaper, pick out the music to be played at their memorial and picking out pictures of them to put around the funeral home.

Get in his closet of his room and hold onto his clothes that he wore and cry until there are no more tears.

Then repeat this until you think you’re losing your mind and your gut is wrenching.

If you made it through that part you are ready for the next step. As good parents, we were always able to fix things or make things better for our children.. this we cannot fix, we cannot make it better. So; on top of everything else you are feeling, you also feel helplessness, out of control hopelessness…and this is universal. Every parent that truly loves their child will feel this.

Are you starting to imagine now how it feels? Just think you are doing this exercise for only 10 minutes, imagine… really imagine, feeling this way 24/7 – day after day, month after month, year after year and no matter what you are doing or who you are talking to; memories of your child play over and over in your mind. Your child when he was a baby, a laughing happy little boy, a handsome young teen, a wonderful young man/ woman and it always plays in your head and you do not want to forget even a single second of your beautiful child’s life…but; that is a fear you have. You fear that as time passes, you will start to forget…so now, please add FEAR to the list of emotions.

This is what it really feels like. A part of you has died…. don’t just read the words, FEEL them – DIED…… gone forever… a real, beautiful, living part of you has died… and you are still living. Left behind to try to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and not having a clue where to even begin. No wonder a high percentage of marriages break up, parents have breakdowns, turn to alcohol, drugs or a destructive way of life. NO WONDER!!!!!

During all of this remember, the world hasn’t stopped. If you have a job, you will have to return to it. The power company and everyone else still wants their payment each month.

You may have doctor’s bills, ambulance bills, and attorney fees if an accident was involved.

If your child died at the hands of another, there will be a trial and publicity.

If you were blessed to have other children; you will have to deal with their grief as well as your own. They will still have homework, tests, reports, projects and the class bully.

You feel the loss with every thought, every emotion. The loss bleeds into every aspect of your life.

Even with your other children…you still love your other children just as much as always, but, as hard as it is… even they hurt you now… because when you see them… you feel the LOSS, the loss of the child that died…. not being with their siblings. It doesn’t fit. There is a piece missing. Your whole life doesn’t fit anymore. Everything that felt right, now feels wrong and of course there is always the missing, the horrible gut wrenching, out of your control….. MISSING….…

Next comes the “firsts”. First birthday without them. First anniversary of death and at first, you count the days, weeks, and months since they passed. Your first Christmas without them, etc. When everyone is singing tra-la-la and jingle bells…. you won’t be. Your heart will be too heavy. The hurt will be so intense you will marvel that you can get out of bed each morning.

Every morning when you take your other children to school you’ll be reminded that you AREN’T taking one too.

You’ll see their friends going on with their lives and it will cut you to the quick.

When they all graduate from kindergarten, middle school, high school….. your child won’t.

When you start getting wedding invitations in the mail for these other children, you’ll be reminded again of your loss.

Don’t forget that when you go shopping; you’ll see things that you wanted to buy for your deceased child and many times you will still buy them anyway.

You’ll see places the two of you USED to go and sometimes sit in the parking lot and remember that special day.

At home when you prepare a favorite meal of the child who is gone; it won’t taste the same to you.

The pictures, cards they made for you or sent you, the toys and other possessions of your child…. will be both harmful…. and helpful. They are a link to the past, a way to remember more about what you’ve lost and (had) at the same time; they are a link to the past and a way to remember more about what you’ve lost.

Remember……. That family portrait you were always so proud of? Well, it will take on a whole new meaning now.

A part of you does not exist anymore and it is scary as hell…. that is why they say the loss of a child is like no other loss.. you cannot compare it to another loss.

With other losses, you grieve and you are of course sad, but, when your child dies, a part of you ceases to exist… gone just like that….. gone no warning, JUST GONE.  And the life that you knew, the things you always felt, the things in your life that made sense, that you held on to, that makes up who you are – are Gone!!!

That is why when parents who have lost children hear..

“I want the old you back,”

“It’s been a year (a month, 6 months-whatever), don’t you feel better yet?,”

“You are doing this to yourself,”

“You’re making it harder on yourself,”

“Grief can become a selfish thing you know”

…we can only shake our heads and feel sadness and hopelessness, because there is no way our lives will ever be like it was when our child was alive.

No wonder bereaved parents isolate themselves, we are just trying to hold on.

So….were you able to imagine for 10 minutes what it must feel like? Even 2 minutes is too long to imagine the unimaginable, to feel the pain. I would not wish this on anyone….but did you get a sense of how life-changing it is? Imagine you feeling this way 24/7; not even getting a moments relief from it!

Now, go on and put in your favorite CD to listen to, enjoy the music…..go home and hug your child, listen to them laugh, watch him smile, smell the scent that you know is them and please do not tell me how I should feel or that I am holding onto this. I know that my friends/family must be tired of watching me go through this, because if you haven’t lost a beloved child of yours…… you haven’t got a clue.

When you hear these words “the presence of his absence is everywhere”…. will you finally understand?

Didn’t mean to ask too much of you. Believe it or not. I could write dozens of other things for you to imagine. Fortunately for you, it’s only an exercise. But I live it every day.

IF you have had the guts to stick it out to here…..remember; this was just a little exercise. I don’t think you will be so quick to utter those words now.  Not if you really did imagine.

~by Alan Carnahan, grieving father

A Bend in the Road

~ Author Unknown

“In the book “A Bend in the Road,” David Jeremiah writes “When you’ve walked through the fire, people begin to listen to you.  When you have wisdom borne of suffering you begin to have the tools to accomplish something in the world.” 

I saw this first hand when a friend of my husband lost his two year old son.  He could not wait to talk to my husband.  He searched Don out at the funeral and could not get to my husband fast enough.

He grabbed Don and broke down in his arms.  I think just Don’s presence comforted him.  When he asked Don how he was going to go on, Don told him there was only one way. He listened while Don explained to him about the love of God and how HE has carried us through our own trial. I believe the death of our children has given us a freedom to speak to others about our faith and they also tend to listen to us in a more expecting way.  We have been through the fire.  We have the opportunity and the responsibility to reach out and comfort others..  

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, there have been gifts given me from my child.  Gifts like NO other.  Little nuggets of truth, of heroism, of the purest love I have ever known.  Purified by fire, I guess. LIKE GOLD. 

There is NO gold purer or more precious than this….and yet sometimes it is so bright that it burns our inner eyes and brings tears and pain to the body and soul.  Bright as the sun it emits a power that can heal us and also burn us…yet we hold it tightly in our hearts.

We who have this gold…..are blessed….and cursed….the love, the gifts, the loss, the pain, and yet there is no power in heaven or on earth that can take it away from us….nor would we let them.

Today I’m encouraging those of you who can…..to make your grief into a GOLDEN FIRE……to reach out and embrace another who is hurting.  In the reaching out to another, your own HEALING will and CAN begin.

“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning.”   ………Louis L’Armour

THE BOAT

I've heard this :story: several times since I joined our Moms Bereavement group in November 2009, shortly after the death of my son Bob who had ceelbrated his 36th birthday just a few weeks before with his wife, 2 little boys andmy husband and I...  To this day it continues to remind me of the different phases of our journey and whether we are grabbing someones hand to help pull us into the boat or we are extending our hands to someone who needs help - it emphasizes again the critical importance of surrounding ourselves on this journey with others who understand, who will listen to our pain, to our stories... no matter how long it's been since the death of our children, we all need "a hand to get into the boat" and catch our breath...  I can't say thank you enough to the many hands who have helped keep me afloat through the years... and I hope in turn my hand has helped someone else.....Cherie Houston

~ by Samantha Adams, BP, Australia, in loving memory of her son, James

THE BOAT

When we lose our children, we begin a journey. It starts on a stream and each one of us gets into a boat. At first, the river is too fast and unfamiliar. We have no strength to put in the oars, but gradually we learn to row. Sometimes the current is too strong and we drift downstream again.
torrents, overcome and continue on our journey.

At times, it seems so hard– others gain courage to go on. We can look back and see others just getting in the boat and help them too, always there is someone to help us row. We are never alone in our river of tears.

And some day, when we’ve rowed and rowed, we will reach a dock and there will be our children to greet us. They will help us ashore and tell us they knew we could do it. We owe it to our children to be the best people we can.

Our children have always known that we strived to be the best people we could be.  They know they had wonderful parents, parents who loved them and still do.    Yes, we are left behind - but by living the best life we can we honor their memory.. 

So keep rowing on that river of life, and know that your child or children are always there with you.

Halloween - A time of masks

Halloween is here again. For many of us the memories of long ago trick or treat adventures, and for some the pain of the “trick or treat adventures that never happened, often bring us to tears… And for others it is the fear of the holidays ahead.. now it begins....

But in addition to those fears and memories, or lack of memories, it also reminds me that Halloween is a time of masks. Yes, for many of us, when we are overwhelmed with grief and fear from losing our child, those first few months and sometimes for years, force us to don masks – sometimes intentionally, but more often than not, we don’t even realize that we are wearing them…. Yes masks are something that all of us who are grieving know quite well.

Even on our best days, before our lives changed forever by the death of our beloved children, it’s likely that from time to time we wore masks and weren’t aware of how others may have seen us.

But now, when we are working hard to rebuild our shattered worlds without our children, when we are coping with our grief, the masks we wear might cause others to back away from us.

Yes our masks might project soe very scary images to those around us. It might be a mask of total denial, or one that says very loundly that we will fall apart if spoken to or touched, or maybe the mask says, NO! It’s OK I’m just fine and don’t need you or anyone; or one that pleads-please don't speak to me or I'll cry; or maybe it's a masks that tells them to go around us-yes please act as though I’m invisible, or maybe it's a mask that says we just aren't here we are someplace else and we are not “present” at all… Yes the masks we wear can be frightening to those around us.

And because we often are not even aware that we are wearing these masks (which can sometimes change daily or even hourly) we may wonder why others don’t approach us.

Yes, they probably wanted to, they may have intended to hug us or hold our hand or ask us how we were doing or what they could do to help us, but our “mask” projected an image other than the way in which we feel inside… sad, lonely, vulnerable, hurting and heartbroken beyond belief, or maybe we hoped they know that we were just struggling to adjust, to adjust to our new life and future without our beloved child...

Yes, it’s just possible and even probable that when we are grieving, we never realize that others might be seeing us in a totally different way than what we are feeling or think we are projecting…

Despite the mask we are wearing, it helps everyone when we reach out to others first, it allows them to know it’s OK. It gives them permission to know that it’s OK to reach out to us. It tells them that yes we want and need them: to help us, be with us, speak our child’s name and share memories of our children as we continue on our journey from mourning to joy.
Yes - when we reach out to others first, it allows them to know that our mask is temporary. In time our mask fade and with their help it will disappear, and the new us, the person whom they know and love, will shine through again, stronger and more compassionate and loving and proud to share the legacy of our children gone before us...

May you enjoy a peace filled Halloween & Holiday season ahead ~ Cherie Houston