Why Clichés Drive Us
Crazy
~ by Erin Linn
Erin Linn is well known to members of the TCF community. Her
first book, CHILDREN ARE NOT PAPER DOLLS, was written after the death of her
six-year old son, Michael. Her growing interest in the bereavement of children
resulted in the publication of her second book, I KNOW JUST HOW YOU FEEL, which
addresses the topic of clichés and what people can say to a bereaved person.
In 1974 my six-year-old son Michael was hit by a car and
died instantly. Before this tragic accident, I had no idea it was possible to
hurt with such intensity. When others would speak of their losses, I really
thought I understood. I would say things like "Time will heal" or
"I know just how you feel." Then I would retreat into my own little
world of security and thank God under my breath that it wasn’t me. I did hurt
for these people, but it was so hard to relate to a level of pain that I,
myself, had never experienced . . . .until Michael died.
Throughout our lives most of us spend some time being comforted
or being in the comforter, being consoled or being the consoler. Both roles are
painfully difficult and, at time, can be overwhelming. It is human nature to
want to reach out and help those who are in pain. When we know of someone who
is grieving, we offer words that we hope will both soothe and comfort.
Unfortunately, our soothing words may be the most feared of all verbal weapons
-- the cliché. By its very definition, a cliché -- a trite and commonplace
expression -- is misused, misunderstood, or overworked.
How to approach the bereaved person is something that people
have agonized over since the beginning of time. How often have we said or heard
someone say, "What can I say to them?" How often has the bereaved
person asked, "Why did they say that to me?"
Clichés are a manifestation of our innate inability to deal
with a grieving person, and unfortunately, clichés are inevitable. If we
analyze the problems with clichés, then, hopefully, we can learn how to defend
ourselves against them. First of all, many clichés tend to focus on the future
and do not deal with the real problem – the actual pain of the bereaved person
at that very moment; For example, sayings such as "You’re young and you
will be able to make a new life for yourself" or "There is no sense
dwelling on the past" tend to discount the immediate pain of the bereaved
person at a time when the future seems impossible to comprehend. When your
child has died, you will feel stuck in "yesterday," and even getting
through the existing day will seem to be a monumental task.
"Tomorrow" is out of the question, and the future can seem
light-years away.
Secondly, clichés too often express how the consoler thinks
the bereaved person "should" feel, and usually this is in direct
contradiction to how the bereaved person really feels. "You should be over
this by now" is possibly one of the most offensive and destructive of all
clichés, because it is usually said long before the full effect of the loss has
even begun to sink in, and it causes bereaved people to think that there must
be something terribly wrong with them if they are still grieving. It is a cruel
quirk of fate that most grieving people are just beginning to realize the depth
of their despair at the time when those around them presume that they are
almost healed.
Another problem with clichés are that they try to give
profound answers and easy solutions to overwhelming problems. How often have we
heard it said, "Only the good die young." If this is true, then
shouldn’t we all pray for death at birth? If it is true that "God never
gives us more than we can handle," then why do people commit suicide or
attempt to obliterate reality through drug abuse? "He is happy now for he
is with God" could cause a severe knee-jerk reaction such as "Wasn’t
he happy with me?"
Also, many clichés are true if taken at face value but are
too difficult for the bereaved person to believe in the midst of his grief.
"Time will heal" sounds so easy and it is usually true, but in the
beginning it is hard for any bereaved person to believe that the unbearable
pain will ever stop. "If you look around, you can always find someone who
is worse off than yourself" is certainly true, but who wants to feast on
the misfortune of others?
Last but not least, clichés can place expectations on a
bereaved person that are impossible to meet. "You’ve got to get hold of
yourself" sounds like good, sound advice but is obviously said by those
who have never lost a child and have never experienced despair. William
Shakespeare so aptly put it when he said, "Every man can handle grief but
he who has it." "Big boys don’t cry" – will someone please tell
me why big boys can’t cry? Where did this ridiculous cliché come from? Crying
is therapeutic. The tears shed in sadness have a different chemical makeup from
those shed in laughter or physical pain. Maybe this cliché would be more
accurate if it read "Big boys don’t cry – if they are inhuman."
Now that we know how ridiculous and inadequate most clichés
are, let’s explore why people say these things. In defense of the consolers, I
truly believe that their intentions are honorable and they really want to help.
What may appear as insensitive comments from friends and relatives can really
be words of love – sometimes they are simply expressed in a clumsy awkward way.
As bereaved person, try to keep in mind that the comforter is, also, searching
for answers and ways to deal with these tragedies.
Our society suffers from a severe lack of death education.
It has only been within the last fifteen years or so that we have begun
seriously to research the bereaved person’s journey through grief. Death – not
only ours but that of our loved ones – is the one thing (along with taxes and
clichés) that we will all have to face at some point of our lives but is the
last thing we want to read about, hear about, talk about, or learn about.
As a result, reactions to the grief-stricken are more
well-intentioned than well-informed. Clichés have been accepted as comfort far
too long. Consequently, we tend to fall back on things that are familiar and
comfortable in times of stress, and these stale phrases tend to perpetuate
themselves from one generation to the next.
Most consolers feel a need to say something profound. There
is a desperate need for the comforter to supply an answer or provide a remedy
for the bereaved person’s pain, lest they fail to really help. Most comforters
cannot accept the fact that a hug and three simple words, "I am
sorry," is all they really need to say. If we speak from our hearts with
all the honesty and love we each possesses, these canned remedies – clichés –
would not be a necessary. Why can’t people just say, "I feel so terrible
that I don’t know what to say."
As a bereaved parent, there are a whole medley of clichés
that you are sure to hear. Some you will find comforting, and others will be
terribly upsetting. A cliché that at first may give you great solace may be one
that you will come to detest as time goes by. They will range from the
ridiculous to the sublime. You will hear such remarks as "God needed some
flowers for His garden in Heaven, new sheep for His meadow, new angels for His
baseball team," or heaven forbid, you could even hear "At least now,
you have one less mouth to feed."
Although unintentional, clichés can be hurtful and harmful.
These misunderstandings and miscommunications can greatly inhibit the grief
process. Some clichés may make you feel abnormal, maladjusted, or even unholy.
Friends and relatives may be the worst offenders. Our
expectations of those close to us are so high that it is inevitable that at
least one of our loved ones will disappoint us by saying the wrong thing or not
saying the right thing. It is easy to agonize over things that are said to us.
Hurtful words seem to stay with a bereaved person longer and might cause pain
and anger that may never be resolved. Because of increased sensitivity during times of mourning,
what might have been said as an innocent remark by the consoler could be
construed as terribly hurtful and hateful by the bereaved.
As awful as some clichés can be though, it is usually better
to be hit in the face with a bad cliché than to be tortured with silence. The
most painful words can be those that are unspoken. It can be unbearable to go
back to work and have nobody mention your child’s death, to be at a family
reunion and have nobody mention your child’s name. This "conspiracy of
silence" can be worse than all the bad clichés that were ever written.
I hope that you now have a better understanding of clichés
and how you can control your reaction to them. You can choose to be offended by
them, or you can choose to brush them off as another dumb statement said by
someone who doesn’t know what he is talking about.
We can even go one step
farther. Instead of just reacting to clichés, how can we go on the offense? This may seem too much to ask of a bereaved person because
grieving can sap a person’s strength and energy. But if someone were standing
on your foot in a crowded elevator, wouldn’t you ask him to move? Of course you
would. Then why should we let people stand on our feelings without saying
something about it? We must let our needs to known, instead of begrudgingly
accepting the painful words that are said to us.
Because it is traditional in our society for bereaved people
to smile in public and cry in private, we give the message to the outside world
that we are all right. This is misleading, but it is a game we are all forced
to play.
Because of these ground rules, we must give some degree of
understanding to the comforter, who in most cases is reacting to our
"acting." We are not helpless. We do have choices.
Someday we will once again be called upon to set aside our
role as the comforted and become the comforter. Hopefully we will have improved
in both wisdom and understanding so that we may become the comforter that we
would have wished for in our own despair.
