ABC’s of GRIEF

Special thanks to Joyce Floyd for sharing this with me when she first contacted me after the death of my son Bobby in September 2009... I still read it quite often and thought you might also find it comforting......  

ABC’s of GRIEF....

A is for accepting the loss of our child

B is for the books we read to help us understand the grieving process

C is for the children and the crying.  We cry and we mourn the loss of our child

D is for the door that seems to have closed the day our child died. 

E is for education.  The more we learn about the death, the more we can come to terms with it.

F is for the foolish things people say to grieving families to comfort us.  Forgive them for their ignorance and accept on faith that they mean well.

G is for the gift of life that was given the day our child was born.

H is for the help that we need to seek.  Grief does not know time frames. 

I is for innocence that we lose when we realize that life is not fair.  We no longer assume that life goes on.  Rather, we learn to live today as there are no guarantees for tomorrow.

J is for jealousy that we feel when other families appear to have normal lives.

K is for the last kiss we gave our child, the kiss that showed our child they were loved.

L is for the love that did not die but lives on within our hearts.

M is for the memories that we will cherish forever.

N is for the nurturing we gave our child, and need to continue to give our remaining children.

O is for the openness we need with our family and friends about what we are feeling and need.

P is for the presents that we will no longer be buying. 

Q is for the questions we will ask but won’t receive an answer for.

R is for the rest, which is hard to get, yet which we need to get through the grieving.

S is for the stories that we should tell about our child to keep them alive in our hearts.

T is for the time you must give yourself to grieve.

U is for the understanding that we must have that the world will go on, and our lives will eventually be put back together.

V is for the virtue of overcoming the many roadblocks that life puts up.

W is for the why’s, which can drive us crazy and wisdom to know there may never be answers.

X is for extra strength and love it takes.

Y is for you that needs to bring yourself to terms with you loss.  ONLY you know what helps and what does not help in your grief journey. 

Z is for the end, the end of the alphabet, the end of a life, but NEVER the end of our love.

When a Child Dies - The parent-child bond lives on

~ by Cherie Houston

I think most parents will agree that the parent-child bond is one of the most meaningful and strongest relationships that we have or will ever experience.  For those of us who have had the painful experience of losing a child, most of us will tell you that despite their death, that strong incredible parent-child bond lives on forever…

Personally I know that with the deaths of each of my three children, I truly felt as though a part of me also died with each of them; but conversely I can tell you that the bond I felt to each of them continues on today and I know that it always will.  For my 2 little girls it’s been quite some time since they died: RandeeMarie died in 1971; Robin Marie 16 months later later in 1972 and sadly, my third child, our 36 year old son Bobby, took his own life quite recently September 19^th, 2009 leaving 2 beautiful little boys and a wonderful wife..  Time does soften the pain, but I can’t imagine any other pain that comes close to that which we experience after the deaths of our children, there simply is none.  And I can tell you I’ve experienced some large “what others might consider life shattering losses” 2 divorces, our home in a fire, deaths of close friends and family members, including my grandmother whom I could never imagine my life without… Yet as horrible as those events seemed at the time, none can begin to compare with the deaths of my children…

It’s simple – as parents, we are simply not meant to outlive our children and when we do, the pain we feel is unimaginable…

And I can tell you from experience that the length of a child’s life doesn’t impact the size of the loss..

·         From the moment we conceive and introduce those around us to this new life that we are expecting as we announce our pregnancy, or if we are blessed to spend many years enjoying relationships with our children into their adulthood – it makes no difference – the death of a child is horrible and often the most unbearable experience of our life… 

·         When the children are young - babies, toddlers or very young, our children’s deaths can change every aspect of our day-to-day life and the emptiness we feel seems insurmountable because so much of what we do each and every day revolves around them and their every need...  

·         When are children are older, teens and young adults - maybe they were getting ready to go into junior high, high school or off to college or their first job – their deaths seems so terribly unfair – we’ve worked so hard to raise them and to have them die just as they are ready to embark on the best and most exciting years of their lives – Why? How can it be that they are now gone and will never be able to reach the potential we imagined for them or that they've worked to hard for...

·         For those of us who have lost adult children – as parents we often experience not only the unbearable loss of our own child but for many of us we have to stand by and watch the heartache and pain that our children’s children and spouse have to deal with; for many of us we often lose not only our child but someone who has become a close and trusted friend with whom we’ve shared an irreplaceable emotional support… 

·         Yes, every child is unique, and for those blessed to have other children – whether it’s one or a dozen, the child we have lost cannot be replaced, and having other children in no way diminishes the painful loss of our child

·         But, for those parents who lose their only child – the loss is different again – some feel they’ve lost their identity - they don't feel as though they are parents anymore, for some they've lost the hope of becoming a grandparent - for many they feel as though their entire future is in jeopardy…

Yes when our children die, a part of our future dies with them, but I believe with all that I am that the parent-child bond lives on forever…

As the pain begins to soften, and it will – hopefully we will each find a way to bring our children along with us into the future..  For some it might be as simple as speaking their name from time to time at family and social gatherings – those who love and care about you will understand (and if not, it’s their problem not yours); for others it will be doing things in their children’s memory – maybe helping others who are ill or grieving; or helping at a school or after-school program; there are no right or wrong ways – but it’s up to us to continue to live the fullest life we can while we are here – that is how we honor their memory… 

As the pain softens, you will find yourself smiling thru the tears as you celebrate their time with you, no matter how long that may have been – because no matter how long, we all agree that it is never long enough…

 

"Why does God allow innocent children to die?"

~ by Cherie Houston, Journey from Mourning to Joy, LHC, AZ

I’m certainly not a theologian or philosopher or grief counselor; I am simply a mom, who after the deaths of 3 children, still ask this question…

I remember watching an interview with Bill Cosby when he was asked about the death of his 27 year old son Ennis, who was shot to death in Los Angeles January 16, 1997. He said that he is often asked what and how hi friends and family had done to help comfort him and what if any, words had helped..  "No words can help" he often says, but one comment he seems to vividly remember, was a comment that most of us have heard since our children have died.. You know the one when we are told that “what has happened to us was God's will”. Bill Cosby said he always answers this comment with “I choose not to consider God carrying out his will with a bullet to my son's head."

I think we all agree with his response, that there is no way that it is "God's Will" to watch our children or us suffer….

When a child dies, whether during a pregnancy, shortly after birth, when they are very young or into adulthood ~ the death of a child isn’t something that God does to punish us, to watch us or them suffer, or an action that God caused or was too busy to help with...

When our children first die, I do agree that the most natural response for almost every parent is WHY??? Why did God let this happen? Why did God make this happen? Why didn’t God step in and stop this from happening?

Personally, after the deaths of three children, I have learned to believe that God didn’t make or let this happen to any of my children, but I believe with all my heart that he was there and welcomed them home..

I’m not saying I didn’t blame God – or get angry at God – and there are still days when I have to admit I still get angry and I’m never quite sure who's going to be the receiver of that anger(including God and my poor husband Dan), because there are still days (31 months since Bobby's death and more than 40 years since my daughers died) that I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that my two beautiful little girls who died when they were infants in the early 1970's and now my 36 year old son Bobby who died in September 2009, are truly gone from this earth...

But I do hope, knowing that death – like birth – is a fact of life, that God – whatever God or heavenly spirit we each believe in, is and will always be there to help me and each of us deal with what life brings…

We all know, that there is nothing that anyone can say to us when we are coping with the death of our children that will help… We simply wish people would understand that it isn’t what they do, or what they say that’s important - it's their patience with us that helps..

When we lose our children, like it or not, we are numb, we are incapacitated and we are angry… Although these emotions fade, they are with us forever.. The best thing others can do for us, is simply be there – let us talk about our children, let us ask our Why's? Don't ask us if we are "over it yet" - Understand that we will ask Why? for as long as need to ~ Eventually – the strength of those emotions will fade – but know that they never go away entirely, we need to feel them..

I pray that our family and friends understand this as best they can and with their help, and the help of God, we can face the future, with peace, without our children……..

How to Survive Burying Your Child

I am always so grateful when we receive articles from other moms, grandmothers and parents who have journeyed this road before us ... A dad, David Piedmont, sent me this saying that it truly helped him and his wife - they received it sometime ago when their 22 year old son died and he thought it might help other parents as it did them... He siad there was no indication as to the author, so I apologize that I'm not able to give credit to whomever wrote it, but we do thank you - and we want thank David for sharing it... Cherie Houston

Burying our child cuts to the soul - We as parents know that someday our children will have to have a funeral service or memorial service for us. That's how we somehow assumed life should be. That isn't how it always is. Children (whether Babies or Adult children) often times die before us, leaving us shell-shocked and empty.

There is no one way to survive a child's death. Everyone of us was given a unique personality, and trying to live up to an image of what you think others think you should be feeling will not work. There are so many stages to grief. The shock of the news that your child has died, is God's way of insolating us for the months or years to come

I personally lingered in the valley of the shadow of death much longer than my husband did. He had to get up 3 days after her funeral and go back to work; he wasn't given time to grieve like I was, because He felt he had to be strong for me. How I survived was like the AA's moto, live one day at a time, although I must admit sometimes it was all I could do to live one moment. Survival is a personal soul and gut wrenching process

Do not expect too much of yourself for the first year or two or maybe even longer. People around you will be uncomfortable and not know how to react or act. Should they bring up your childs name? Should they ask how you are? Should they act as if nothing happened? It was so devastating that there were many times I can't believe I've lived through it all and sometimes I wonder why I did.. The excruciating pain stayed with me for many months. My duaghter was 8 months old when she died, yet her death -her very short life here on earth, has profoundly affected me more in my lifetime than any other event to happen since..

Talk to your child..I spent hours at her gravesite talking to a tombstone. I felt solace there. I understand now, that my survival mode is different than yours may be. All I know, is that 30 years later, I am still here, with the same husband who shares the same tie to the same little girl, who we both wonder about and on occasion have our moments of grief

Keep some things for yourself for the years to come. Maybe their baby book which you can look at from time to time to acknowledge their existence. I keep a copy of her obituary tucked away in my Bible, not to look at and be sad, but as a reminder of how far we have come, and how thankful we are that she was born

Talk to others who have experienced a similar grief – no their circumstances won’t be the same as yours – nor yours theirs, but often times this will help you to know you can and will survive – it will help you to know that what you are feeling is totally normal – no matter the circumstances there is no one way to grieve – there is no set time limit on what is “normal” but having someone else hold your hand who has journeyed this same road can be powerful in allowing you to grieve in your own way…

Surviving a Child on Mother’s Day

~ by Erma Bombeck

If you’re looking for an answer this Mother’s Day to why God reclaimed your child, I don’t know. I only know that thousands of Mothers out there today desperately need an answer as to why they were permitted to go through the elation of carrying a child and then lose it to miscarriage, accident, violence, suicide, disease or drugs.

Motherhood isn’t just a series of contractions; it’s a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being. It’s a promise we can’t keep. We beat ourselves to death over that pledge. “If I hadn’t worked through the eight month.” “If I had taken him or her to the doctor when he had a fever.” “If I hadn’t let him use the car that night.” “If I hadn’t been so naïve, I would have noticed he was on drugs or needed help with depression.”

The longer I live, the more convinced I become that surviving changes us. After the bitterness, the anger, the guilt and despair are tempered by time, we look at life differently. While I was writing my book: “I Want to Grow Hair, I want to Grow Up, I want to Go to Boise,” I talked with Mothers who had lost a child to cancer. Every single one said that death gave their lives new meaning and purpose.

And who do you think prepared them for the rough, lonely road that they had to travel? ---their dying child. They pointed their Mothers toward the future and told them to keep going. The children had already accepted what their Mothers were fighting to reject. Even those children who died a sudden death are able to spiritually touch their parents and help them live on.

The children in the bombed-out nursery in Oklahoma City have touched many lives. Workers who had probably given their kids a mechanical pat on the head without thinking, that morning were making calls home during the day to their children to say, “I love you.”

Joy and life abound for millions of Mothers on Mother’s Day. It’s also a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no Mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back.

In the face of misery they ask, “Why me?” but there is no answer. Maybe they are the instruments who are left behind to perpetuate the lives that were lost and appreciate the times they had with their children. They are the ones who help pick up the pieces when tragedy occurs and others have lost their children.

APRIL SHOWERS

~Written by Beverly Mangum, TCF, Tri-County WV

And the rains came…they ceased, and they came again. The little memory I have of the time just after our son was killed is mostly that I thought I would never stop crying. There was no control and that would frustrate me, and I’d cry that much harder. My eyes were so swollen I had to ice them to see, and the crying, coupled with the inability to eat, dehydrated my body.

I could tell my crying only upset those around me, so I learned to cry when I was alone. Then I was able to take deep breaths and control some of the tears only to get a headache with my heartache. Gradually the crying eased up. It’s been a few months since I’ve had a really hard sit-down-and-sob crying spell. We try so hard to be strong and pent the emotions up, and then ‘wham-o’, the big one strikes. It is exhausting, but I think the release can be good.

At last month’s meeting we had a new Mother – the word “fresh” kept coming up as we each tried to console her. It was “fresh” for her – her son was killed the month prior. Her presence and emotions brought back for each of us those first months. The anger, the denial, the unanswered questions, the tears – none of us would want to relive those days again, but we all did with her at that meeting. No one can tell you that you’ll be just wonderful again, but you will slowly get better. The fact that this “fresh” Mother and the others who continue to come to the meetings was a sign of strength.

It takes a strong brave soul to admit that she could use some HELP. The person that reaches out for comfort is the one that will mend. We are not crazy, we have not done anything wrong, and we are not being punished. The death of a child – no matter what age, no matter what cause – is the hardest thing to happen to a parent, and to seek compassion and support is the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves. We have been there, we know what you feel, and we understand, and we do care – that’s why we’re called The Compassionate Friends!

One of the subjects we discussed was the things that pop up out of the blue that bring on an emotional reaction. A son, a daughter, a situation, a similar looking person or expression, a TV show, a word – it’s like a bomb dropped on your head! It hits hard – when you least expect it – and it hurts. Even when the death of a parent, relative, friend or someone we don’t even know occurs – it all comes back again. As one Mother so well said – you take each moment as you go along and to the best that you can.

There are days I feel I’ve gained or done nothing, and there are days I actually make some headway. I may not always do as much as I did before, but when I have a good day, I try to make the most of it. I don’t know how much earthly time I have left, but I’m not going to let it go to waste. It’s not how much time we have left, but the quality of the time given to us. No one will make it for us – we must do that on our own.

The Lifecycle of a Soul

~ Written by Elisa Medhus, MD

I know many of you watch in pain as the years go by after losing a loved one—one year, two years, five years, ten year, and on and on. If you’re like me, part of you has gained a new spiritual understanding of death and of the soul’s immortality. Yet, despite the comforting fact that we know our loved ones have simply shifted to another dimension right on top of our own—a paradise where we eventually will join them, it’s still hard, isn’t it?

Sometimes, when the house is empty, I call out for Erik like I used to:’ Erik, wake up and let’s go out for breakfast!’ ‘Erik, did you take out the trash?’ ‘Erik, come down for dinner, Sweetie!’ I choke back tears. I sing all of the lullabies that I used to sing when he was a baby. I pray I won’t live to see one hundred. God knows if my family saw me, they’d think I was nuts. I’m already on shaky ground in that territory as it is.

So it’s hard to have all this insight now, but still feel the emptiness in one’s arms and one’s heart, to feel wounded and reduced. We miss the hugs and kisses. We miss the pet nicknames and inside jokes. We miss having someone to nurture. We miss, in a word, the love. This is not to say that love can only emanate to and from one family member or friend, but each love is different. One love lost can never be replaced by another. If a puzzle piece is ripped away from that 3-D puzzle called life, that life is no longer what it was when every piece was in place. Once Erik was torn form my life, I was a right without a left, a to without a fro, a here without a there, a dark without a light. And all the spiritual knowledge we can cram into our minds and our hearts will never be enough. It may well buy us a little time, but, for me, only when we’re together again will I find the satisfaction that comes from feeling whole.

This was written by "Erik Rune Medhus's" mom "Elisa Medhus, MD who is a veteran physician and author, including "Raising Children Who Think for Themselves". She, like us, is a mom whose child has died - Erik was her 20 year old son, who took his own life on October 6ht, 2009. She states that since sad and tragic day, an overwhelming sense of grief and despair propelled her into a search for answers and she shares those thoughts on her blog:

www.channelingerik.com and the above article.blog was posted by Elisa on March 15th this year and sent to me by another mom...

What to expect along this journey from mourning to joy - Part 2 of 2

Yes - the death of a child is the most challenging life task we will ever endure.  Along this journey from mourning to joy, there are many emotional and physical ways in which our journey will take us.  Much of this journey is beyond your control - there is no order to the journey.  But it does help to know that what you are experiencing is normal  - you are not crazy and you are not alone...  We hope that knowing what you might experience will help ease your broken heart...

~ Denial of your loss, thinking that your child will return.

~ Needing to tell and retell the story of your child’s death

~ Inability to function in your job

~ Sensing your child’s presence or an odor or touch associated with your child

~ Having difficulty grocery shopping because of seeing your child’s favorite food(s) on the shelves

~ Irrationally upset with yourself if you smile or laugh, thinking how can I smile, my child is DEAD!

~ Feelings as if your spouse or other family member don’t understand your grief or are not grieving as you think they should. Remember all of us grieve differently.

~ Losing old friends who don’t seem to understand your pain and grief

~ Making new friends through support groups with members who have also experienced the death of a child and therefore understand your feelings.

~ Feeling like you are making progress in your grief work, then slip back into the old feelings.

~ Grief work usually is a succession of two steps forward and one step back over a long period of time

~ Becoming frustrated with others who expect you to “over this” in a month, six months or a year and who say so. Or even being frustrated with yourself for expecting to be “over this” too soon.

~ Grief work form the death of your child is a SLOW process.

~ Be patient with yourself. You are a bereaved Mother.

~ Be gentle with yourself. You are GRIEVING.

What to expect along this journey from mourning to joy - Part 1 of 2

The death of a child is the most challenging life task we will ever endure.  Along this journey from mourning to joy, there are many emotional and physical ways in which our journey will take us.  Much of this journey is beyond your control - there is no order to the journey.  But it does help to know that what you are experiencing is normal  - you are not crazy and you are not alone... 

Those of us who have made this journey before you, have found that knowing or at least being aware of what we might experience helps to ease the pain and alleviate the fear that we are losing our minds... You are not losing your mind - your child has died and you are learning to cope with a tremendous loss.  Your mind and body are simply adjusting to your new reality and that takes time... 

You may experience some or all of these... but know that your journey is yours, very personal and different from anyone elses.  But also remember, that no matter how difficult your journey may be, there are many people who love and care about you.  Turn to those who love and care about you, reach out and allow them to help you, even if that is only to sit with you as your heart breaks..and remember those of us who have made this journey before you are always here for you - your sisters in grief..

Some of the things you may experience or feel are:

~ Depression

~ A profound longing and emptiness

~ Wanting to die. This feeling passes in time; because you will realize that you must go on for the sake of your remaining family members, yourself and your child who died.

~ Profound sadness

~ Crying all the time or at unexpected times

~ Inability to concentrate on anything, frequently misplacing items

~ Wondering “Why???”

~ Forgetfulness

~ Questioning yourself over and over: “If only I had…..?” “Why didn’t I…..?”

~ Placing unnecessary guilt on yourself or others.

~ Anger with yourself, family members, God, the doctor and even your child for dying.

~ Fearing that you are going crazy! (very normal)

~ Great physical exhaustion. Grief is HARD work and consumes much energy!

~ Difficulty sleeping or sleeping all the time to avoid the pain.

~ Physical symptoms such as heaviness in your chest or having difficulty breathing, tightness in your throat, yawning, sighing, gasping or even hyperventilating.

~ Lack of appetite or overeating

~ Weight gain or weight loss

~ Anxiety (Often associated with overprotective behavior toward surviving children and other family members.)

Helping Yourself Heal When Your Child Dies – Part 2 of 5

~~Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

Allow Yourself to Feel Numb - Feeling dazed or numb when your child dies may well be a part of your early grief experience. You may feel as if the world has suddenly come to a halt. This numbness serves a valuable purpose: it gives your emotions time to catch up with what your mind has told you.

You may feel you are in a dream-like state and that you will wake up and none of this will be true. These feelings of numbness and disbelief help insulate you from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you don't want to believe

This Death is Out of Order - Because the more natural order is for parents to precede their children in death, you must readapt to a new and seemingly illogical reality. This shocking reality says that even though you are older and have been the protector and provider, you have survived while your child has not. This can be so difficult to comprehend.

Not only has the death of your child violated nature's way, where the young grow up and replace the old, but your personal identity was tied to your child. You may feel impotent and wonder why you couldn't have protected your child from death.

Note: Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing clinical thanatologist. He serves as a Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School in the Department of Family Medicine. – From the website: http://www.buddhanet.net/r_child.htm

Surviving the suicide of a child - How do I move on?

Coping with a child's suicide strikes a blow that leaves the parent asking many questions and arouses an overwhelming sense of injustice. The parents may feel responsible for the child's death no matter how irrational that may seem. Parents may also feel they have lost a vital part of their own identity. Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death in the United States, ahead of both homicide and AIDS, according to the Bereaved Parents of the USA.

 

The key to finding peace is to eventually find some kind of meaning in what feels like a senseless disaster. Parents who found meaning reported less mental distress, happier marriages, and better physical health than parents who hadn't made sense of their children's death.

 

Where do I find the help I need to acquire this peace? Coping with death is vital to your mental health. It is only natural to experience grief when a loved one dies, so the best thing you can do is allow yourself to grieve. And coping with a child's suicide will leave you asking questions that no one else would ask regarding any other kind of death, whether a loved one or friend. There are many ways to cope effectively with your pain: 

• Seek out caring people. Find relatives and friends who can understand your feelings of loss. Join support groups with others who are experiencing similar losses
• Express your feelings. Tell others how you are feeling; it will help you to work through the grieving process. The question why, with or without a suicide note left by your child, will haunt you for months or even years as you strain to gain understanding of the dynamics of this suicide. As you search for answers, read about suicide, evaluate what you read, and apply what you have learned. You will examine your life and coping techniques, which is also a natural part of any bereavement. The why will grow less urgent
• Take care of your health. Maintain regular contact with your family physician and be sure to eat well and get plenty of rest. Be aware of the danger of developing a dependence on medication or alcohol to deal with your grief
• Accept that life is for the living. It takes effort to begin to live again the present and not dwell on the past
• Postpone major life changes. Try to hold off on making any major changes, such as moving, remarrying, changing jobs, or having another child. You should give yourself time to adjust to your loss
• Be patient. It can take months or even years to absorb a major loss and accept your changed life and you have to be patient with others, but especially with yourself
• Seek outside help when necessary. If your grief seems like it is too much to bear, seek professional assistance to work through your grief. It is a sign of strength, not weakness, to seek help.

 ~~From: http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/surviving-the-suicide-of-a-child-faq.htm

 

Preparing for Mothers Day - Part 7 of 9

~~ by Mary A. D. Petrino - In Loving Memory of Julia Kenney Teresa Petrino, August 8, 1984 - June 9, 1999

For those who have experienced the loss of a child, Mother's Day becomes less about mothers and more about children. Often, there are painful memories of profound loss. Sometimes, there are joyful memories of a precious child. Always, there is the realization that this one special life has forever changed the life of the mother. On Mother's Day, the absence of our children is a void we try to fill with memories - a handmade card from long ago, a special photograph from happy times, a song once loved and shared - but the memories can never replace the presence of our children.

Mysteriously, we have been called to walk a different road together - one without our children. As we might observe other families experiencing what we had once enjoyed on this special day, we might feel envious. We cannot delight in the pleasures of a Mother's Day brunch or family outing that celebrates the joy of being the mother of such a special child. Why were we asked to carry this burden of being separated from the person who gave us the title of "mother?"

Perhaps there are no answers adequate enough to satisfy each one of us. That is what makes life as well as motherhood such a great mystery.

Recently, at a meeting of In Loving Memory [the TCF satellite group for parents with no surviving children] a strange question came up for discussion: "What benefit, if any, has resulted from the death of your child?" Some people thought immediately that the question was a mistake. Others though that the question should be thrown out. Some others asked why we should not consider this question - perhaps it had some merit.

Perhaps benefit is expressed in each individual child's legacy - through contributions, research, scholarships or other good works carried out in loving memory of our children. Perhaps another benefit is the perspective each of us brings to the support group. Certainly, Alive Alone, In Loving Memory, and The Compassionate Friends are what they are because of who we are - and who are children are - and because we honor their memory.

Not all of us shared the same set of beliefs, but we all believed that our children were the greatest influence on our lives. They were the ones who "gave birth" to the persons who became their mothers. They changed us from the day they entered our lives. Their lives and their deaths have changed our lives for the rest of our lives. So perhaps the greatest legacy of our children is in the person we have become for each other, for those we support through Alive Alone, In Loving Memory, TCF, as well as for our families, our friends, and our communities.

Many, many years ago, another young mother lived in a remote village, far from the center of what was considered the civilized world. Her only son grew up and learned to practice his father's trade. After years of working quietly at home, he left and began traveling through their country, teaching and healing the crowds of who came to hear him. But his message and his miracles threatened the established traditions of his day, and the local leaders feared his influence among the people. Ultimately, his mother, who followed him everywhere, watched her precious only son suffer and die the most horrible death known at that time. But before he died, he told his followers, "Love one another as I have loved you." As he died, he commended his mother's care to his dearest friend.

So, his mother found the key to the mystery of how to continue after his death. His mother understood the way to honor her son and his memory. His mother followed his teachings and kept his memory alive for his friends. Perhaps we might learn from her, and follow her good example, for she was the most perfect mother of all time.