February - It's Time for Love

~ Written by Rosalie Baker, Rochester, NY 

February has fewer days than most months, and that may be of a special significance to us, as our children had fewer days than most.  When we think of this month, the most outstanding day perhaps is Valentine’s Day.  It is a time for love.  When we were school-aged, we had a special chance to give and receive cards in those decorated boxes in our primary classrooms.  Perhaps it is the one holiday that children can really do something for everyone.  Addressing a card to each and every classmate made you think of how you felt about each one and wonder about how they felt about you.

Love is found in every day of every year, but February and Valentine’s Day are very special.  I wish I could remember just how it felt to get a “nicer” Valentine from someone I had sent a “nicer” one to.  It is so long ago, and there have been so many much more significant happenings in my life.  But sometimes, I’d like to remember just how it felt.

I am sending along this Valentine’s Love Note to you right now and hope that you know it is one of the “nicer” ones, because you are very special to me.  Somehow I don’t wonder how you feel, somehow I know.  As we grieve the loss of our children and one another’s we begin to find a different kind of love than we ever expected to experience.                                                            

Today is Valentines Day-A Dozen Roses

Today is Valentine's Day, and whether or not you celebrated the holiday before, it is ever so painful to not have our children around to say those words to.  Here is a poem that Anne at the Tony Brown Foundation wrote to help celebrate the love we all share for our children.

~ Anne at the Tony Brown Foundation (2011)

A DOZEN ROSES

If I had a dozen roses,

I know just what I’d do

I’d give each one a name

 that reminded me of you

The first rose I’d call sunshine

because you brighten everyday

The second would be beauty

the kind that never goes away

The third rose would be priceless

like those hugs you gave to me

I’d name the fourth rose silly

oh how funny you could be

Rose five of course is patience

something you have helped me find

The sixth rose would be memories

the gift you left behind

The seventh and the eighth rose

would for sure be faith and grace

Nine would be unique because

no one can take your place

The tenth rose well that’s easy

I’d simply name it love

Eleven would be angel

I know you’re watching from above

I’d think about that twelfth rose

and I’d really take my time

After all these roses

are for you my Valentine

I’m sending them to heaven

in every color that I know

So twelve I’ll name forever

that’s how long I’ll love you so

Valentines Day Can Be A Very Painful Holiday

Thanks to Susan Triton, Shepherdstown, Indiana for sharing this article with us for our blog... she received it a few weeks ago from a family member who knew that she was still having a terrible time  coping with the sudden tragic death of her 9 year old son Colin, last summer 2012...Each and every holiday for her seems to be worse than the last.  Susan also said that this and other similar articles and blogs like ours help to remind her that her pain and grief are normal and that it's OK to feel as she does.  Furthermore, they ease her fear that she will remain in this valley of death forever..  I've assured her she won't-none of us stay in that valley forever and in time, she will find peace and she will smile again as she remembers Colin, but it takes time - lots of time... Keep her in your prayers... Cherie Houston

Valentine's Day Can Be A Very Painful Holiday.....

Most of us who are grieving brace ourselves for the traditional Holiday Season, which begins at Halloween, continues through Thanksgiving, crests with Christmas and Hanukkah, and ends with New Year’s Eve. While the Season can be wonderful for many, it can be a very difficult time for those who are grieving the recent death of someone important to them, such as a child, spouse or parent.

You might erroneously think that once the new year has passed, grievers will have some relief from the constant reminders that someone they love is no longer alive. But by early January, the marketing machine revs up for the next cycle of cards and gifts—to usher in Valentine’s Day.

Every flower shop, card store, jewelry store, candy store, drug store, and supermarket decorates its shelves and aisles with the traditional pink and red hearts and clever Cupid images to compel us to celebrate our romantic love with our significant others and the magic of love with our children..

For anyone who has lost a loved one - a spouse, child, parent or anyone close to us, this can be one of the most painful of all holidays. The romantic arrows from Cupid’s bow, now become painful darts that hit us in our emotional center - reminding of us of lost loves... 

After all, most of us begin the Valentine traditions in pre-school, when we begin making Valentine’s cards for friends and family. As we get older, we shift our focus from family and friends to romantic attachments. By the time we are courting, dating, creating long-term relationships and bringing children into this world, Valentine’s Day becomes the day we use to declare or reaffirm our bonds of love.

As our relationships blossom and grow, the annual celebration of Valentine’s day—along with anniversary date—becomes the most personal and special loving tradition. And as with the cards, flowers and candies, the image of the heart is always used to symbolize that love.

When someone we love dies, our emotional heart is broken. The heart—the very symbol of the Valentine’s Day celebration—is the aspect of our being that is most damaged by the death of a child or spouse.

Compounding the heartache is the fact that there is very little societal awareness of the pain being experienced by those who are dealing with the death of a child or spouse that first Valentine’s Day after their child or spouse has died. Even surrounded by family and friends, they may feel isolated, alone, and as if no one understands. And those feelings can extend long past the first few years.

"Grief is the feeling of reaching out for someone whom you thought would always be there, sharing the future with you, only to discover when you least expect it, they are no longer there.”  

Grief is the normal and natural immediate reaction when someone we love dies, especially a child or spouse. The range of emotions that encompass grief is very wide, and is not limited to sadness. The feelings are a reflection of the many different aspects of the relationship and even the circumstances of their deaths.

That range of feelings is also the normal and natural reaction when you are reminded that someone who has been such a big part of your life is gone, even if the reminder is months or years after they have died.  Some special days and some events are powerful reminders of the fact that someone very important is missing from our life. Valentine’s Day, like birthdays and anniversaries, is one of those very special days, which can create an immense amount of painful emotional energy.

Unfortunately, when a grieving parent or spouse talks about their sadness and other feelings, they are often met with comments like, “Don’t feel sad, you should feel grateful for the time you had.” It is probably accurate to say that one of the feelings a grieving parent or spouse might have is gratitude. But gratitude is unlikely to be the most dominant feeling at holiday events. Sadness, loneliness, and confusion are more likely to be the emotions that well up in a grieving person on special occasion holidays, especially the first of each of those events following the death.

Grieving parents and spouses also hear the incorrect idea that we all learn from an early age, that “Time heals all wounds,” or “Grief just takes time.” Believing that to be true, the griever waits to feel better. But time is neutral. Time, of itself, does not do anything except pass and many parents and widows/widowers who are grieving say that over time their pain seems to get worse.

It is accurate to say that grieving people are not broken, and do not need to be fixed. To a great extent, what they need is for someone to listen to them, without judgment, analysis, or criticism.   It is also realistic to say that grieving people are left with some unfinished emotional business.

Even when the best of relationships is ended by death, those left behind discover things they wish had been different, better, or more; and are painfully aware of unrealized hopes, dreams, and expectations about the future.

It has been said that Grief and loss are the price to be paid for loving someone..and the more we love the stronger that sense of grief and loss..   

Valentines Day-The Holiday of Love

I don't know who wrote this or how I received it, but I thought it was appropriate with Valentines Day just around the corner.. Cherie Houston

Valentine’s day, a day of remembering our loved ones with small gifts and great feelings.

When your child was living, did you often remember him or her on Valentine’s Day with a card or a balloon, perhaps a gift of candy or something special that was wanted?  So, why stop that tradition?

Remember your child with love on this special day.  A single rose left at a grave; a special photo in a nice frame to sit on the mantle.  These are ideas from  an article in an old magazine.  It seems like a pretty good idea too!  What a better way to celebrate the Holiday of Love, than by enjoying fond memories of your child or children.

For some of us, remembering our child is something we need to do privately - without fanfare.. 

 

For others, it's helpful to outwardly remember our child with family and friends on days such as these...  You might find it helpful to make your child's favorite dinner for the rest of the family, or to have special photos scattered around the table to share memories about your child who is gone...  

 

For some of us it is very important, that when we show those of our living family how much they are loved, that we feel the need to also show how much we remember those who are no longer with us...  

Remember-there is never a right or wrong way to grieve and celebrate our children's lives, we each need to do what works for us..and for our families.  Just because our hearts are broken, we don’t need to ignore the “Holiday of Love” or any holiday for that matter..

We wish you love and peace during this month of love...and always 

It is Time for Love

By Rosalie Baker, Rochester, NY

February has fewer days than most months, and that may be of a special significance to us, as our children had fewer days than most.  When we think of this month, the most outstanding day perhaps is Valentine’s Day.  It is a time for love.  When we were school-aged, we had a special chance to give and receive cards in those decorated boxes in our primary classrooms.  Perhaps it is the one holiday that children can really do something for everyone.  

Addressing a card to each and every classmate made you think of how you felt about each one and wonder about how they felt about you.

Love is found in every day of every year, but February and Valentine’s Day are very special.  I wish I could remember just how it felt to get a “nicer” Valentine from someone I had sent a “nicer” one to.  It is so long ago, and there have been so many much more significant happenings in my life.  But sometimes, I’d like to remember just how it felt.

I am sending along this Valentine’s Love Note to you right now and hope that you know it is one of the “nicer” ones, because you are very special to me.  Somehow I don’t wonder how you feel, somehow I know.  As we grieve the loss of our children and one another’s we begin to find a different kind of love than we ever expected to experience.                        

Taking Care Of Your Relationship After The Death Of A Child

~ By Lisa Buell, written January 29, 2009

Valentine’s Day is a day for lovers, a time to celebrate our passion for one another.  But what happens after our child has died?  Our innocence is lost and it takes every ounce of strength to be civil or even interested in what our partners are saying.

What happens when our psychological energy is consumed with the memories of our child and it is taking everything we have just to get through the day? What happens when we can barely look at our spouse because it reminds us of the dream that was our life, a dream that evaporated the moment our child took a last breath?

What we do is follow our own breath, let it take us deep inside ourselves to20find the love and gratitude for the history we have shared with our partner.  We take this time to acknowledge that our partners experience the same love we have for our child; many of our memories are theirs as well.

This Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to remember the love we have for our child and the magnificence that our love created.  Know that we have the ability somewhere deep within ourselves to rise above the loss just long enough to create something that comes from our hearts, even when they are broken: a collage of our family, a table decoupage with our pictures, a necklace engraved with our children’s names, a new remote control so our spouse can continue to zone out on the television, a quilt made from our child’s clothes, a rose bush in the garden that is our child’s favorite color.

Or we can wait until it’s Valentine’s Day and buy massive quantities of half-price chocolate and eat until we fall into a sugar coma, sleeping off the hangover as we hope to be more up for Valentine’s Day next year.  

We all have choices in this life, I believe in the human spirit and that we are all trying to do our very best… whatever that may look like. So do your best to love yourself and know that the love, passion, and energy you once felt for your partner will begin to flow yet again.

Lisa Buell is a writer, activist, mother of three and parent of two. She works with Children’s Hospice and Palliative Care Coalition, Partnership for Parents www.childrenshospice.org , as a parent advocate bringing a parent’s perspective to the development of palliative care programs and policies. To contact Lisa email her at lisa@childrenshospice.org

The Holiday of Love

~ author unknown, but originally posted in a TCF (The Compassionate Friends) Newsletter in Chicago, ILL and sent to us for our blog by Cynthia Gromanski

     Valentine’s day, a day of remembering our loved ones with small gifts and great feelings.

     When your child was living, did you often remember him or her on Valentine’s Day with a card or a balloon, perhaps a gift of candy or something special that was wanted?  So, why stop that tradition?

     Remember your child with love on this special day.  A single rose left at a grave; a special photo in a nice frame to sit on the mantle.  These are ideas from  an article in an old magazine.  It seems like a pretty good idea too!  What a better way to celebrate the Holiday of Love than by enjoying fond memories of your child.

     Try making his or her favorite dinner and treating the family.  Use special photos scattered around the table to talk about some fun facts about him or her.  It’s important to show the others in the family how much they are also love, so don’t forget some small Valentine’s gifts for them too!

     Just because our hearts are broken, we don’t need to ignore the “Holiday of Love.”

Valetine Message

~ By Annette Mennen Baldwin

VALENTINE MESSAGE

I send this message to my child

Who no longer walks this plane,

A message filled with love

Yet also filled with pain.

My heart continues to skip a beat

When I ponder your early death

As I think of times we’ll never share

I must stop to catch my breath.

Valentine’s Day is for those who love

And for those who receive love, too

For a parent the perfect love in life

Is the love I’ve given you.

I’m thinking of you this day, my child,

With a sadness that is unspoken

As I mark another Valentine’s Day

With a heart that is forever broken.

By Annette Mennen Baldwin, In memory of my son, Todd Mennen, TCF, Katy, TX

Valentines…..To Heaven

~Author Unknown~

This Valentine is not of the ordinary kind

It’s filled with love & blessings inside.

But mine has to be sent on the wings of love.

You see, it’s destination is the Heaven’s above.

It’s not being sent to my parents so dear,

For they are still with me each day of the year.

It’s sent to my child who left earth so soon

Who’s now in the Heaven’s with the stars & the moon.

The message is the same as your Valentine.

“I love you, my sweet precious child of mine.

My love is still deeper than the ocean is blue.

And it’s sent with hugs & kisses from me to you.”

“I know you are with me each & every day.

You listen as I talk to you & hear what I say.

For that is the one thing that death cannot do.

You’ll always be mine & I love you with all of my heart.

I know that we’ll be together again & then we’ll never have to part.”

So you see, the meaning is still the same.

The method of delivery is the only change.

Mine must be sent by a little white dove ~

On the wings of love…

Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine's Day-Part 2 of 2

~written by June Cook (co-founder of www.selfhealingexpressions.com) Copyright (c) 2008 Marty Tousley

Personal grief rituals are those loving activities that help us remember our loved ones, and give us a sense of connectedness, healing and peace. Creating and practicing personal grief rituals can also help us release painful situations and unpleasant memories, freeing us to make our memories a positive influence in our lives.

What follows are just a few examples of personal grief rituals. The ideas are as unique and as varied as the people who invented them; think of ways that you can adapt them and make them your own. You are limited only by your own imagination.

• If you're a writer, write. It could be an article, an anecdote, a story, a poem, a song, a letter, an obituary or a eulogy. If you don't want to write for someone else, keep a private journal and write about your feelings as you journey through your grief.

• Buy a very special candle, decorate it and light it in honor of your loved one.

• Purchase a book - perhaps a children's book - on coping with the loss of a loved one, and donate it to your local library or school. Ask the librarian to place a label inside the front cover inscribed "In memory of [your loved one's name]."

• Plant a tree, bush, shrub, garden or flower bed as a permanent growing memorial to your beloved. Mark the site with a memorial plaque, marker, bench or statue.

• Memorialize your beloved in cyberspace by lighting a virtual candle online.

• Write a special note, letter, poem, wish or prayer to your beloved, go outside, attach the paper to a balloon and let it go - or place it in a vessel and burn it, and watch the smoke rise heavenward.

• If you are harboring bad feelings or regrets, gather symbols to represent those hurtful or painful situations, events, or feelings from your past, place them in a container and hold a private burial or burning ceremony, saying goodbye and releasing them as you do so.

• Ask relatives, friends, co-workers and neighbors to gather their contributions, and put together a scrapbook or box of memories containing mementoes, letters and photographs of your loved one.

• Celebrate the life of your loved one by continuing favorite traditions or eating favorite foods.

• Select a Valentine card that you wish your beloved would have picked for you, and mail it to yourself.

• Give yourself a gift from your loved one that you always wished he or she would have given you, and think of your beloved whenever you use it or wear it.

Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine's Day-Part 1 of 2

~written by June Cook (co-founder of www.selfhealingexpressions.com) Copyright (c) 2008 Marty Tousley

We've barely made it through the holidays of December and January, and now the stores are filled with hearts and flowers and candy, all of it in celebration of the gift of love. But February 14 can be a difficult day for those of us who are grieving, and for some it will be the first Valentine's Day since our precious Valentine died. For us there is no celebration; there is only grief.

Sometimes, for fear of "letting go," we may find ourselves "holding on" to our pain as a way of remembering those we love. Letting go of what used to be is not an act of disloyalty, and it does not mean forgetting our loved ones who have died. Letting go means leaving behind the sorrow and pain of grief and choosing to go on, taking with us only those memories and experiences that enhance our ability to grow and expand our capacity for happiness.

If our memories are painful and unpleasant, they can be hurtful and destructive. If they create longing and hold us to the past, they can interfere with our willingness to move forward in our grief journey. But it doesn't have to be that way. We can choose which parts of life we shared that we wish to keep and which parts we wish to leave behind. We can soothe our pain by thinking of happy as well as sad memories. The happiness we experienced with our loved ones belongs to us forever.

If we decide to do so, we can choose to embrace Valentine's Day as a special day on which to commemorate our loved ones and to celebrate our love for them. Death ends a life, but it does not end the relationship we have with our loved ones who have died. The bonds of love are never severed by death, and the love we shared will never die either. For Valentine's Day this year, we can find a way to honor our loved ones, to remember them and to show them that our love is eternal.

We can build a piece of "memory time" into that particular day, or we can pack the entire day with meaning. Think of it this way: It's much easier to cope with memories we've chosen than to have them take us by surprise. Whether we are facing Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, an anniversary or birthday, or any other special day of our own choosing, we can immerse ourselves in the healing power of remembrance. We can go to a special place, read aloud, or listen to a favorite song. We can celebrate what once was and is no more.

THE LEGEND OF SAINT VALENTINE

According to legend the Valentine takes its name from a young Christian priest who lived in ancient Rome. Like so many of the early Christians, Valentine had been imprisoned because of his faith.

Often and longingly he thought of his loved ones and wanted to assure them of his well-being and of his love for them. Beyond his cell window, just within reach, grew a cluster of violets. He picked some of the heart-shaped leaves and pricked them with the words: “Remember Your Valentine,” and send them off by a friendly dove. On the next day, and the next, he sent more messages that simply said, “I love you.”

Thus did the Valentine have its beginning. And so it has been through the ages- those who love, remember – and send Valentines to express their love.

So remember...

I’M THERE INSIDE YOUR HEART

~ author aunknown ~

Right now I’m in a different place, And though we seem apart,

I’m closer than I ever was…. I’m there inside your heart.

I’m with you when you greet each day And while the sun shines bright,

I’m there to share the sunsets, too… I’m with you every night.

I’m with you when the times are good, To share a laugh or two,

And if a tear should start to fall…I’ll still be there for you.

And when that day arrives, That we no longer are apart,

I’ll smile and hold you close to me…..Forever in my heart.