A Forgiving & Peace Filled Thanksgiving

For the last few months I've been trying to think of what I would say about Thanksgiving this year. Yes, Thanksgiving is next week and as each us prepares for the holidays without our beloved child or children, for some it will be our first Thanksgiving and for others it will be our second, fifth or thirtieth - the number of years doesn't matter.

Yes there is no doubt, the holidays are difficult, but remember, the anticipation is usually more difficult than the day itself.. For our family, it will be our fifth Thanksgiving and Christmas Holiday season without our 36 year old son Bobby and more than 40 years for both of my daughters, Randee Marie & Robin Marie who died in 1971 & 1972..  No matter how much time has passed since their deaths, the ache remains, a all of the “if only’s”  resurface, but what has changed over time, is that I find myself smiling a bit more than crying when the memories flood back!!!

I originally shared this article with all of you back in November 2010, the 2^nd holiday after Bobby died…  It was written in 2006 by a dad who is a member of the Bereaved Parents group in Northern Texas, I thought it's perfect to help me and maybe others who might not understand why others around us can't feel our pain. I hope it helps you, as it has me, to gain some insight about forgiving those around us who may not understand our heartbreak and sadness and may they never know this hurt.   So as we all we all prepare for this holiday season, forgive those who don’t understand and may we all find peace as we remember and offer thanks for our beloved children and all the joy they gave us..Cherie Houston

~ Written by Jim Hobbs, BP/USA of Northern Texas from “Where Are All The Butterflies”

Thanksgiving was always an easy holiday. Unlike Christmas, there was no pressure of giving just the right gift! Thanksgiving Day brought family gatherings and good food. Late on those afternoons, we would return home full from over-eating and satisfied that our family relationships were intact. It was also a day that reminded us of everything for which we were thankful. We are supposed to be thankful for our health, our families, our comfortable life, etc.

The death of a child changes our perceptions, however. When the family now gathers around the Thanksgiving table, I now see a missing plate that no one else sees. When our nieces and nephews are laughing or crying, I hear a voice that no one else hears. When a family member recounts a story about something his or her child did last week, I wish for a story to tell. (Of course, when I say no one else, I exclude my wife and daughter. I’m sure that they see, hear and wish what I do, although probably at different times. We still have much to be thankful for, we bereaved parents, and we should remember that.

But now Thanksgiving Day has an additional observance for us too, doesn’t it? It is a day of forgiveness also. We must forgive others who cannot and do not acknowledge our missing child, for whatever reasons. If family and friends cannot understand us, then we must exhibit tolerance, forgiveness and understanding. On a day on which we offer thanks, we can and will climb another step on our ladder to recovery. I hope you have a forgiving Thanksgiving.

ABC’s of GRIEF

Special thanks to Joyce Floyd for sharing this with me when she first contacted me after the death of my son Bobby in September 2009... I still read it quite often and thought you might also find it comforting......  

ABC’s of GRIEF....

A is for accepting the loss of our child

B is for the books we read to help us understand the grieving process

C is for the children and the crying.  We cry and we mourn the loss of our child

D is for the door that seems to have closed the day our child died. 

E is for education.  The more we learn about the death, the more we can come to terms with it.

F is for the foolish things people say to grieving families to comfort us.  Forgive them for their ignorance and accept on faith that they mean well.

G is for the gift of life that was given the day our child was born.

H is for the help that we need to seek.  Grief does not know time frames. 

I is for innocence that we lose when we realize that life is not fair.  We no longer assume that life goes on.  Rather, we learn to live today as there are no guarantees for tomorrow.

J is for jealousy that we feel when other families appear to have normal lives.

K is for the last kiss we gave our child, the kiss that showed our child they were loved.

L is for the love that did not die but lives on within our hearts.

M is for the memories that we will cherish forever.

N is for the nurturing we gave our child, and need to continue to give our remaining children.

O is for the openness we need with our family and friends about what we are feeling and need.

P is for the presents that we will no longer be buying. 

Q is for the questions we will ask but won’t receive an answer for.

R is for the rest, which is hard to get, yet which we need to get through the grieving.

S is for the stories that we should tell about our child to keep them alive in our hearts.

T is for the time you must give yourself to grieve.

U is for the understanding that we must have that the world will go on, and our lives will eventually be put back together.

V is for the virtue of overcoming the many roadblocks that life puts up.

W is for the why’s, which can drive us crazy and wisdom to know there may never be answers.

X is for extra strength and love it takes.

Y is for you that needs to bring yourself to terms with you loss.  ONLY you know what helps and what does not help in your grief journey. 

Z is for the end, the end of the alphabet, the end of a life, but NEVER the end of our love.

A Mother's Love

I hope you will enjoy this poem by one of my favorite poets, Helen Steiner Rice.  I also want to take a moment to wish you and yours a safe, healthy and peace filled 4th of July Holiday...  


Although I usually try to add a new post every few days, during July and August, I will only be posting once a week.  This will allow me to be a little selfish so I can spend a little more time enjoying our 9 incredible grandchildren while we are here in the Boston area for the summer..  As always you will be in my thoughts and prayers as you and I together continue on our journey from mourning to joy...  Cherie Houston

A MOTHER’S LOVE
~by Helen Steiner Rice~

A Mother’s love is something
that no on can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain,

It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away . . .

It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking . . .

It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems . . .

It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation . . .

A many splendoured miracle

man cannot understand

And another wondrous evidence

of God’s tender guiding hand.

Just for Today (Section 6 of 6)

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,

for deep in my heart I know

if there was anything in this world I could have done

to save my child from death,

I would have done it.

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

Kelly mentioned when he posted this series "I have spoken to 100′s of grieving dads and the one thing we all have in common is guilt. We find so many ways to blame ourselves for what happened to our children. We go back and rethink things over and over. ”If I would have done this different” or “I should have been there for them”. There are so many ways we find to blame ourselves. However, like this section of poem says, “deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.” If only for today you can find away to forgive whatever it is your thinking about, please try to do it. I believe guilt is a great destroyer" ~ Kelly Farley,

You can Email Kelly at: Kelly@GrievingDads.com

Just For Today (Section 3 of 6)

Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends

who didn’t help or comfort me the way I needed them to.

They truly did not know how.

For the next several days, I will continue to post a separate section from this powerful poem "Just for Today" to ponder....

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

Grief is all consuming..

Grieving is all consuming and pervades every part of your being to the exclusion of everything else, your body, mind and spirit are all weathering a shock. The experience of grief and loss is extremely personal and different for everyone, but be gentle and compassionate with yourself. .

So many around us want to help us during this process – they want to help “make it better”, but they often have no idea of the inner turmoil you are experiencing, or mean well and will encourage you to do this or do that – do what is right for you.

It is so important that you consider and concentrate on yourself at this time. Listen to your heart, and do what feels right for you, even if it goes against family wishes and reember you are going to feel:

• Sadness, grief, sorrow, mourning, depression and even suicidal thoughts


• Guilt and regret; anger, disappointment, rage, fury


• Numbness, fear, panic and anxiety
  

Express your feelings so you can move through them, rather than getting stuck in them and know that it’s normal to experience:

• Inability to concentrate or focus on a task


• "Stinking thinking," often associated with feelings of guilt or remorse


• Confusion or short attention span


• Failure to process facts and details accurately


• Forgetfulness or even a sense of amnesia
  

Don't worry and be patient with yourself – these symptoms will lessen and disappear in time. Most professionals will remind you to avoid making any major life decisions until you feel a bit less foggy. So if you must make any big decisions, ask for help from others whom you trust.. Trust your gut...

What not to say to a grieving parent...

This post will end my series of posts, dedicated to grieving dads.. The following was sent to my by a grieving dad, Paul Stanley from Jacobs, Iowa - who has lost 2 children - his beautiful 5 year old daughter Samantha and his handsome young son Paul, who was only 19 when he took his own life.. Paul wanted to remind others, that often times their helpful comments, may not be so helpful...

Yes dad’s, just like us moms, have certain phrases that have been said to them since their child has died that they could have done without… Here are some of those "thoughtful" expressions that dads, just like you and I, whose children have died, could have done without.

I want to believe that none of these individuals who made such foolish comments did so with malice in their hearts – they just don’t realize that their comments can often create more pain for us, and they don’t realize that “when in doubt about what to say, say nothing” For those of us who are the recipients of such comments – let the comments go, and simply respond by saying “I pray you are never where I am today” .. Cherie Houston

"It was their time." Would that it be the "time" of anyone compelled to utter this one. No one who loses a child will be comforted by this statement.

"God wanted him/her more than you did." I'd rather have heard: "He or she is with God now."

"Don't you think that you should be getting over it by now?" This from someone whose most significant loss was her ninety-something grandmother dying at home with the family by her side.

"It's a good thing you have other children" Believe me - it doesn't help - each of our children is unique and can't be replaced - but it is a very common statement to parents in the days and weeks following the death of their child...

"I know exactly how you feel." If you haven't lost a child you don't have a clue, my friend and I pray you never do.

"Why did you have to do it?" Kevin who lost his young daughter to suicide told me how much he hated to hear this one resounding in his mind. I know what he means -- I hate to hear myself saying it, too.

"You know, you have to him him/her go." No, I don't have to, and I never will. The part of him/her that lives in my heart will stay put.

"All that anger is keeping you from healing." That might be true were "healing" an available outcome. Grieving isn't an illness that I can "heal from" Grieving is a process - a journey - and sadly the anger is part of the process - part of the journey... I don't think I will ever get over this, I just want to get through it...

"He or she is in a much better place now." His or her "place" was here for the 30-50+ years they lost. If they could have seen that their pain was temporary, he could have taken his time getting to that "better place."

"Well, you know that it's been more than (1 year, 2 years, 8 years, etc.) now." Sorry to be noncompliant but I'm still his Dad and will be forever.

"You've got to stop blaming yourself, it wasn't your fault. It was his/her free choice." A suicidal individual in the throes of unimaginable suffering can make a "free choice" but I don't have the right to feel responsible for missing his anguish?

"Too bad that he/she wasn't stronger." In the case of suicide, pain levels all. Experience psychache (intense psychological pain) and then talk to me about strength.

"Try to only remember the 'good times'." From a parent at a grieving conference who remarked "I never had any other kind of 'times' with my son before he died."

"I supposed that now that you have a grandson it makes up for losing your son."
What perverse logic led to that conclusion? Actually the little guy often reminds me of what I've lost and what my son's missing.

"You need help. You really ought to see somebody!" I'd really like to see my child again. That would help.

"I had a great Christmas with my family and all. Its really too bad that your daughter messed yours up!" This was said to a parent whose daughter was murdered by a drunk driver. Parents who've lost children wouldn't wish it on anybody, but maybe there are exceptions.

"Well, at least he went out with a bang." From a co-worker to the aunt of a 22 year old man killed by lightning.

"Good to see you back, time to get over it...your wife has to realize that you can't spend all your time at home...you have to treat this like a military operational loss..." From a "superior" officer to a father who lost his infant son at age 4 days.

"There was nothing anyone could have done." Few suicide grievers find any solace in this throwaway line. Maybe, just maybe, something damn well could have been done to save him!

"Did you know that he or she was mentally ill?" No comment.

"He/she must have been very disturbed to take their own life." I believe that he/she was in a tremendous amount of pain that I can't even begin to understand; I'm the one who's "disturbed" by your ignorance.

"You are young - you will have more children." But I want this child - I want the dreams we had for this child. Sadly this is a comment made all too often to parents who lose very young children or suffer miscarriages - believe me, this comment helps no one and is quite honestly, ignorant.

Be gentle - don't dwell on these or other hurtful comments and

forgive those who make them...

A FORGIVING THANKSGIVING

For the last few months I've been trying to think of what I would say about Thanksgiving this year.  Yes, Thanksgiving is just a little more than a week away.  As we begin to prepare for a holiday without our beloved child, for some it will be our first Thanksgiving and for others it will be our second, fifth or thirtieth - the number of years doesn't matter.  Yes the holidays are difficult, but remember, the anticipation is usually more difficult than the day itself..  For our family, it will be our second without our son Bobby..

When I found this article, written in 2006 by a dad who is a member of the Bereaved Parents group in Northern Texas, I thought it's perfect to help me and maybe others who might not understand why others around us can't feel our pain.  I hope it helps you, as it has me, to gain some insight about forgiving those around us who may not understand our heartbreak and sadness, may they never know this hurt.  So as we all we all prepare for this holiday season, remember to forgive & find peace as we remember and offer thanks for our beloved children and all the joy they gave us..  Cherie Houston

~ Jim Hobbs, BP/USA of Northern Texas from “Where Are All The Butterflies?

Thanksgiving was always an easy holiday. Unlike Christmas, there was no pressure of giving just the right gift! Thanksgiving Day brought family gatherings and good food. Late on those afternoons, we would return home full from over-eating and satisfied that our family relationships were intact. It was also a day that reminded us of everything for which we were thankful. We are supposed to be thankful for our health, our families, our comfortable life, etc.

The death of a child changes our perceptions, however. When the family now gathers around the Thanksgiving table, I now see a missing plate that no one else sees. When our nieces and nephews are laughing or crying, I hear a voice that no one else hears. When a family member recounts a story about something his or her child did last week, I wish for a story to tell. (Of course, when I say no one else, I exclude my wife and daughter. I’m sure that they see, hear and wish what I do, although probably at different times. We still have much to be thankful for, we bereaved parents, and we should remember that.

But now Thanksgiving Day has an additional observance for us too, doesn’t it? It is a day of forgiveness also. We must forgive others who cannot and do not acknowledge our missing child, for whatever reasons. If family and friends cannot understand us, then we must exhibit tolerance, forgiveness and understanding. On a day on which we offer thanks, we can and will climb another step on our ladder to recovery. I hope you have a forgiving Thanksgiving.

Surviving the suicide of a child - How do I move on?

Coping with a child's suicide strikes a blow that leaves the parent asking many questions and arouses an overwhelming sense of injustice. The parents may feel responsible for the child's death no matter how irrational that may seem. Parents may also feel they have lost a vital part of their own identity. Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death in the United States, ahead of both homicide and AIDS, according to the Bereaved Parents of the USA.

 

The key to finding peace is to eventually find some kind of meaning in what feels like a senseless disaster. Parents who found meaning reported less mental distress, happier marriages, and better physical health than parents who hadn't made sense of their children's death.

 

Where do I find the help I need to acquire this peace? Coping with death is vital to your mental health. It is only natural to experience grief when a loved one dies, so the best thing you can do is allow yourself to grieve. And coping with a child's suicide will leave you asking questions that no one else would ask regarding any other kind of death, whether a loved one or friend. There are many ways to cope effectively with your pain: 

• Seek out caring people. Find relatives and friends who can understand your feelings of loss. Join support groups with others who are experiencing similar losses
• Express your feelings. Tell others how you are feeling; it will help you to work through the grieving process. The question why, with or without a suicide note left by your child, will haunt you for months or even years as you strain to gain understanding of the dynamics of this suicide. As you search for answers, read about suicide, evaluate what you read, and apply what you have learned. You will examine your life and coping techniques, which is also a natural part of any bereavement. The why will grow less urgent
• Take care of your health. Maintain regular contact with your family physician and be sure to eat well and get plenty of rest. Be aware of the danger of developing a dependence on medication or alcohol to deal with your grief
• Accept that life is for the living. It takes effort to begin to live again the present and not dwell on the past
• Postpone major life changes. Try to hold off on making any major changes, such as moving, remarrying, changing jobs, or having another child. You should give yourself time to adjust to your loss
• Be patient. It can take months or even years to absorb a major loss and accept your changed life and you have to be patient with others, but especially with yourself
• Seek outside help when necessary. If your grief seems like it is too much to bear, seek professional assistance to work through your grief. It is a sign of strength, not weakness, to seek help.

 ~~From: http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/surviving-the-suicide-of-a-child-faq.htm

 

LETTING GO OF GUILT

~ by Clara Hinton ( Feb 2004)

Quite often, the first feelings that overtake a mother or father following the death of a child are feelings of extreme guilt. Thoughts of “if only” seem to relentlessly keep returning. “If only” I had taken her to the doctor sooner. “If only” I had not given him the car keys when I knew the roads were icy. “If only” I had not turned my back to answer the phone. “If only” I had not left him playing alone in the bathtub. Guilt is such a heavy burden of grief to carry around!

How does a parent move beyond the guilt of losing a child? How can a parent shed the painful feelings of inadequacy? How does a parent ever find a way to let go of the guilt?  The most difficult step in releasing the tight clutch that guilt holds on a parents’ heart is dealing with the reality of the loss. “My child died” are often the most difficult three words that will ever come from the mouth of a parent. Those words are hard words, yet they are words that are necessary to say and to understand before being able to rid oneself of guilt.

When we live in an “if only” emotional environment, we have not yet come to the full realization that child loss has actually occurred. We are still working through the mental “if only” reasoning which continues to wreak havoc on a parent’s heart. When a parent lives in an “if only” state, the reality of the child’s death can never be completely accepted. As painful as it is, a parent must—at some point—make the hard choice to accept the reality that the child has died.

Because a parent’s primary role is to nurture and care for the child, a parent often has a feeling of deserving punishment when a child dies. That is simply another way of expressing the heaviness of guilt. A parent often wrestles with the thought that “because my child died, I do not deserve to ever smile again.” Guilt continues to prevent many parents from moving forward in this difficult journey we call grief.

It takes a lot of concentrated effort, hard work, and support from others to be able to forgive oneself and finally let go of the gnawing feeling of guilt following the death of a child. Until a parent makes the decision to leave the heavy weight of guilt behind, joy can never return to a heart that has been so deeply wounded by the loss of a child.

Letting go of guilt is a decision that must be made. There is no timetable for making that decision, and others cannot force that decision on any parent. Eventually, a parent will come to the realization that the child’s death is real, and there is a hard choice to be made—to continue to live in the guilt of the loss, or to let go of that heaviness of guilt and begin to experience a bit of peace and joy once again.

Letting go of guilt requires a real effort to put an end to the “if only” questions. Letting go of guilt means that a parent no longer blames himself for the death of the child. Letting go of guilt means forgiving oneself and accepting oneself. Letting go of guilt means being gentle with oneself and allowing time for healing to take place.

Letting go of guilt is one of the most difficult parts of grief work. It takes a lot of energy, understanding, and patience. But, when guilt is finally set free, a parent’s heart can begin to walk the journey of healing through child loss.

COPING WITH GRIEF-Surviving Loss-10 Suggestions (Part 2 of 3)

~published by Western Washington University/09.04.2009

3. Take Time To Make Decisions. People who have been very dependent on the deceased find themselves lost in the world. They are afraid to give themselves direction, to make mistakes, to ask, to try. Yet making mistakes is the way in which we learn and develop trust in ourselves. We need to be patient with ourselves as we gradually learn to make decisions.


4. Take Time To Share. The greatest need of the bereaved is to have someone to share their pain, their memories and their sadness. In life, we can only accept that which we can share. Bereaved people need others to give them time and space to grieve. When you are grieving, you might need someone who looks backward, because the past, not the future, remains the source of comfort in the early stages of grief. Sharing our memories and feelings with people who are grieving themselves is especially helpful and therapeutic.

5. Take Time To Believe. To survive is to find meaning in suffering. Suffering that has meaning to it is endurable. However, meaning doesn't just happen. At times, our grief can shake up our faith. For many people, religion-- with its rituals, the promise of an afterlife and its community support--offers a comforting and strengthening base in the lonely encounter with helplessness and hopelessness. Our faith does not take away our grief but helps us live with it.

6. Take Time To Forgive. The feeling of guilt and the need for forgiveness accompany many of our experiences, especially those that have remained unfinished. We might feel guilty about what we did or didn't do, about the clues we missed, about the things we said or failed to say. As we review our lives and our relationship with the deceased, there will always be things which are less than ideal. We need to accept our imperfections and make peace with ourselves.

We cannot judge our yesterdays with the knowledge of today. So torturing ourselves for the things we did and wished we hadn't done, or dwelling on the things we didn't do, doesn't change anything. It only makes us miserable. We certainly need to own and express our anger, but there is also a need for forgiveness.