Is Crying a Requirement in Grieving?

I just came across this article that I'd cut out some time ago.  So many articles we've shared like this one, are just simple reminders that "grief is unique" the way in which we grieve is different for each and every one of us.  There are so many variables (who we lost, the circumstances, who've we've lost before, our past experiences with grief - yes there are so many variables)

Grief and the grieving process will also change along the journey - like each river that flows - grief charts it's own course - there are no hard & fast rules, and there are no right or wrong ways to grieve.  Like it or not, we will each find our own way and when it's someone else's turn remember that love and patience is what they need most - just being there for them is what counts...  Cherie Houston

Question - My 34-year-old son died last year after a three-year bout with cancer. I miss him terribly, but I haven't cried about his death. Is this normal?

Response from Edward T. Creagan, M.D.

Grief is a universal human experience. Your response to grief may be highly individual, however. Crying is an important part of the grieving process for many people, but a lack of tears doesn't necessarily indicate that the grieving process has gone awry.

Many factors affect the grieving process, including:

§  The nature of the relationship with the person who died

§  The quality of the relationship

§  The time you had to prepare for the loss

§  Your own personality

It's OK if you don't feel like crying. You may simply need time and space to grieve your son's death in your own way. It's important to make sure that you're dealing with your feelings appropriately, however.

If you're isolating yourself, you're having trouble completing your usual daily activities or you feel like crying but can't, consider seeking the help of a grief counselor or other mental health provider. A counselor may suggest various behavior therapies to help you re-establish a sense of control and direction in your life. You may find comfort through a support group as well. In a few cases, short-term use of antidepressants or other medications may be warranted.

The grieving process commands respect and requires time. However, unresolved grief can lead to depression and other mental health problems. If you're concerned about reaching a healthy resolution to your grief, seek the professional help you deserve.

On a Child's Death

There are so many poems I keep in my nightstand for those nights when sleep is illusive and the stark reality of a future that is changed forever, you know that heartbreaking reality that we re moving forward in the time "after a child's death" - yes those nights that seem to hold me in their grip.. it is poems like these that help soften the pain and heartache  and sadness of losing my children... I hope that when we share poems like these, that you also will find them a source of peace..  Cherie Houston

ON A CHILD'S DEATH

~ BY Virginia Ellis

All heaven was in mourning,  The day that young man died;
When He closed His eyes, they said, Ten thousand angels cried.

The angels shed their many tears, Because He was God's Son;
But there is a special sadness, When God takes the very young.

At times like that, I question God, Why let a child die?
I cannot understand it, And I need to ask Him why.

I, too, have heard the angels cry, I've heard them cry first hand;
For I, too, gave up a child, And I've tried hard to understand.

Yes, I received God's comfort, Though I'm grateful, I want more;
I want reasons;  I want meaning, I am a parent who's heart-sore.

God can give, and God can take, I am well aware of this;
But, why my baby ... why my child?
Why did God put him on His list?

Did I love my child too much? Was he too good for this old earth?
Had his purpose here been filled?  Was that why he was taken first?

I awake each day with questions,  I fall asleep at night, the same;
So many times I ask God why,  I'm both saddened and ashamed.

But then, in reflective moments, When my prayers are most intense,
One word keeps going through my mind, Patience ... patience ... patience.

Maybe now is not the time, To explain this great heartache;
Even if I knew God's reasons, What difference would it make?

Can't I just be grateful, For any time we had?
Accept God's action without question? Why is that so very bad?

What's my hurry ... why my pressure? Is my faith not strong enough?
God will explain it when He's ready,  Surely I can trust that much.

God understands my broken heart, He, too, gave up a Son;
He knows the pain of one lost child, He weeps with me, and we are one.

Just as I talk to God each day,  I talk to my precious child;
I blow him kisses, and I say,  "See you, honey, in a while."

A new of "grieving"

~ shared from Susan Leemont - Boulder, CO (BP)

No doubt since the death of our child, someone has been kind enough to share with us that we must all go through the “normal stages of grief” and then kindly list them for us.…  These “stages” were defined as a result of many studies, but the most popular seemed to be based on Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's which resulted in her book: On Death and Dying (Scribner), which was published in 1969.

Although much of that is probably still true, more recent research seems to suggest – as we very well know from experience, that for most people, grieving is rarely a straight passage through discrete phases ending in healing.

To those of us who have gone thru this, we know that it is a constantly changing pattern, that seems to jump out at us when we least expect it, catch us off guard and then retreat again so we can catch our breath – some say similar to one of those scary houses we may walk thru in Disney or at a carnival… 

I came across this article and I want to share it with you because I think it helps to validate how grief really feels – not nice and neat in a fixed set of “stages” like those we heard about when we got pregnant – but the reality of what we feel and experience. 

Dr. Holly Prigerson states that grief it tends to occur in fits and starts, sometimes quickly, sometimes over a number of years. The way it unfolds varies dramatically, too, depending on whom you've lost and the nature of your relationship. Perhaps more surprising, research suggests that whomever a person is grieving for—a well-loved parent, spouse, friend or child—human beings are surprisingly resilient.

Holly Prigerson, Ph.D., is the director of the Center for Psycho-Oncology and Palliative Care Research at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, and as a result of a study she has done with hundreds of mourners, she discovered that while nearly all people go through a very rough period where they cry, long for the loved one, have difficulty eating and can't concentrate, 85 percent start feeling somewhat better in about six months. Even more hopeful, there are steps everyone can take to help the recovery process along, regardless of whom you're missing.

A new view of grieving - Like life itself, grief isn't something that unfolds neatly, starting on cue with denial and continuing until the mourner reaches the final stage, accepting that the person is gone. In Dr. Prigerson’s  two-year study of mourners, Prigerson found that rather than denial or anger, most mourners feel an acute sense of yearning and sadness throughout that fades and eases as time passes.

"There's no orderly progression of Kübler-Ross's hypothetical phases," Prigerson confirms. "It's more accurate to say that the emotions associated with grief exist simultaneously, then slowly decline as feelings of acceptance rise," she explains.

March Winds

~ Lovingly shared from ~ Betty Davis, Marion Ohio BP/USA

As the winds blow, often violently, it is as if there is an attempt to wake us from our winter lethargy.  The birds began to sing, calling to us.  The dormant trees begin to move in the breeze.  We see the first buds.  Witness a crocus peeping through the encrusted ground.  

Regardless of our griefs and regrets, life goes on, whether we participate or not.  This can be a season of renewal.  We can symbolically plant a flower, a tree, or a bush, and nurture it as we loved our child.  As the plant flourishes and adds beauty to our lives, we can experience a sense of creation just as our child added meaning to our lives.  

It’s time to sort out the good memories when we do our spring cleaning.  Discard the anger, regret, disappointment and sorrow.  Shake it out and throw it away.  Hold on to all that is good.  Cherish it forever.  It’s time to make a constructive effort to restore ourselves.  

We hope the gales of the March winds will awaken you to a new beginning.  May the ‘winter of our discontent’ disappear.  We wish for you to live in the future with your happy memories.      

Hope for the Day

Spring, a time of renewed and hope arrives in just a few weeks  on March 20th.. we hope you can find some joy in the small signs of new life, as well as a sense of renewed hope & peace about the future..  We are hoping that by sharing this story from Clara Hinton, you can begin to move from that black hole of grief...Cherie Houston

~ by Clara Hinton of  www.silentgrief.com

“HOPE FOR THE DAY”

     When grief is new and so raw, it takes up all of our time and energy.  We forget what day it is, and worse yet, we don’t even care.  We stop going out, we forget appointments, and we withdraw from life as we once new it.  Grief affects every part of our being!

     At first, we expect this kind of response to our grief.  We need to do so much adapting to a new world, a new place to call home, and a new way to find joy.  We can’t rush through this process!

     But, there comes a time in our lives when we will be faced with the most difficult choice of all.  Do we stay in our deep grief, or do we make a conscious effort to take one step at a time and try to move forward into a place of hope!

    Most of us make the choice to move on because we know that’s what is best.  If we stay in that deep black hole of grief for too long, we’ll miss another spring.  And, we don’t want to miss the blue skies, the budding of the flowers, seeing the first robin plucking his work from the earth that is beginning to unfold with so much life and beauty!

     Even though grief will always be a part of our lives, there comes a time when we can move it from a place of everyday top priority, to a place of subdued recognition.  Spring comes once a year, and it’s full of hope.  Give yourself permission to enjoy the beauty of this coming season this year!