Accepting My Child's Death; What this means to me

~ Written by Judy Bruner (sent to us for sharing by Sharon M Collingsworth – Montpellier, VT - who recently lost her 11 year son Matthew and said this gives her hope that she isn't going crazy - something most of us can certainly relate to..)

I am a mother who has lost a child. Because of my daughter's death in 1998, I have found the need to reach out to other parents who are also dealing with the loss of a child. I got an email from another "Angel Mom" whose son died two years ago, she was telling me about a trip to her doctor and discussing the meaning of acceptance. She had visited her doctor and told him of her depression. Like so many who do not understand the depth of pain that a parent lives with after a loss such as this, he asked her if she had "accepted" her son's death. She was very upset by this and told me in no uncertain terms that she would never, ever accept his death.
Having just recently made it through the 5th anniversary of my daughter's death, and being in tremendous pain myself in the recent months, I took the time to think about what acceptance meant to me. As the 5th year date approached I found myself in almost as much heart wrenching pain as I was when she first died. I was taken back to those last days of her life. Replaying the scenes over and over in my mind. Dwelling on all the "what-if's" and the "why's". Feeling the ripping out of my heart as the emergency room doctors told me that my child was gone from this earth.
Now having gotten myself through those painful days I feel as though I am back at where I started five years ago and am once again trying to find my way along this painful journey called grief. I have come to the conclusion of several things and would like to share what I have discovered.
I told my friend this: Sometimes it just hits. It's that time of year for me. I think it's better to cry, scream, yell, whatever it takes, than it is to stuff the pain inside and let it eat at you. It has to come out sometime, better now than later. We both know that it's a part of this journey, and we all go through those times.
I used to feel that if I accepted Ashleigh's death.....which for me meant to stop trying to find all the things that I should have done differently and to stop blaming myself and being angry that she was gone. I thought that if I accepted the fact that she was gone; then it meant that it was alright with me. That I no longer cared that she was gone from this earth.
I thought that if I began living again; eating, sleeping, taking care of myself, allowing myself moments of joy, and enjoying the life of my surviving child, then it would prove to the world that I had moved on. That I had forgotten Ashleigh and what her life meant to me.
I now know that those things are not at all true. For me acceptance means that I accept the fact that my daughter is not here anymore because I have no choice. But I do not have to like it! I accept the fact that my life is never going to be the same again because I cannot change it or bring her back. Everything is different now. Nothing is the same as it once was. I have to find a new normal.
I accept the fact that she was a wonderful, loving child, and I was lucky to have had her in my life! I accept the fact that the sun shone brighter, the grass was greener, the sky was bluer, and the air smelled fresher when Ashleigh was here.
I also accept the fact that it's okay to be sad and to feel the pain. This is the absolute worst loss that any human being ever has to face, and I am doing the very best I can dealing with it now. I have learned to take all the time I need to feel the sadness when it overcomes me. Over time, I will be okay. I just have to get through the valley of tears first. I accept that it's okay to miss her and to cry for her. After all, who decides how many tears are enough? There will never be enough tears to show how much I loved this child.
I have decided after five years, that it's also okay to find a way to live with all my feelings put together. That is the key. I do accept it, but I don't have to like it or be happy about it. I just have to do the best I can with what I have left and carry her with me as I move forward.

The Face of Courage, The Heart of Strength

~ Joanne Cacciatore, PhD, MSW, FT, Founder of the www.missfoundation.org, in Peoria, AZ

What characteristics define courageousness and strength?

Many would say that courage is facing inherent fears. A person with an intense fear of heights would be courageous to parachute from an airplane, wouldn’t he? Instead of running from the debilitating fear, he stood and faced it. And what about strength? A person with demonstrative strength, perhaps a professional body builder, will not run from a challenge. He works out everyday, learning the skills necessary to increase his potential and toning muscles in preparation to lift that arduous bar bell.

The grief process has captivating similarities to the physical challenges posed to athletes. Yet, while athletes are admired and revered by society, many families in the grief process say they feel isolated within their own community. There is a misconception that compelling emotions should be repressed- that a person who openly shares tears is powerless and vulnerable.

There are those individuals brandishing the “carry-on-chin-up” stoic posture after a tragedy. Too often, these individuals are praised for their courage and strength. Some are commended on how well they are doing with pat-on-the-back encouragement. They have seemingly “carried on” with life, and put the tragedy and pain behind them. Some are admired for maintaining such unemotional composure, mistaking this “business-like” acumen for courage and strength. Others remain surreptitious with their emotions thinking others will view them as weak.

But take a look at the real defining characteristics of courage and strength. Does it take more courage and strength to bury the frightening and overwhelming emotions? Or does it take more courage and strength to deal with the grief- to look into the face of sorrow- to stare into the heart of pain? Those who have wept- really wept from the depths of the soul can answer that. Is there any emotion more harrowing, intimidating and physically exhausting as those experienced during those times of deep grief? Certainly not.

So which individual is truly the strong and courageous one? It must be the one who faces the pain full force- the one who has the courage to tell others the truth about their sorrow- the one who, instead of running, stands and faces the inconceivable challenges of grief- the one who isn’t afraid to share the raw emotions of grief with others, to encourage understanding and compassion- the one who will reach out to others in grief and help carry another.

Those are the defining attributes of true and indisputable courage and strength.

I STILL MISS HER!

I STILL MISS HER!

~ Author Unknown

Do you still miss her?

Someone asked today.

It’s been over twenty years,

Hasn’t the pain gone away?

I admit, I’m doing better.

I never thought I would.

I even laugh again,

I was sure I never could.

Still some of my days darken

When I hear a certain song,

Especially during holidays

When family ties are strong.

I know that I am healing,

I have learned to survive.

I live my life again

With the pain that’s deep inside.

Yes, I still miss her

And sometimes I still cry

In my heart we are together,

My little Angel and I.

Grief Is Not An Enemy

~ From The Gift of Significance by Doug Manning

At my brother’s funeral, a lady said, “You seem to be doing so well.” “No, I am doing quite poorly, thank you,” I responded. She did not give up, and said, “Well, you don’t seem to be upset.” I did not want to get into any discussion, but I had acted as if nothing had happened as long as I could, and I reacted. “If I were doing well with my grief, I would be over in the corner curled up in a fetal position crying, not standing here acting as though no one had died.”

We are doing well with our grief when we are grieving. Somehow we have it backwards. We think people are doing well when they aren’t crying. Grief is a process of walking through painful periods toward learning to cope again. We do not walk this path without pain and tears. When we are in the most pain, we are making the most progress. When the pain is less, we are coasting and resting for the next steps. People need to grieve.

Grief is not an enemy to be avoided; it is a healing path to be walked.

Butterfly Dust Poem

On this Valentine's Day as we remember our children, I hope you will enjoy this poem.  I don't remember when I received this - I know it was before my son Bobby died  but since my daughters Randee and Robin died, no I'm not sure why or from whom, but I've had it quite some time and hope you might might enjoy it as much as I do.. it reminds me that life was never meant to go the way we'd hoped - that's normal - but if we enjoy the moments we are blessed with as they are happening, then they will never be lost...  Happy Valentines Day to each of you.. Cherie Houston

Butterfly Dust

~ by James A. Kisner ~

Remembering when I was young so many years ago,

About the things that kids will try because they want to know.

Someone had told me way back then of something I should try,

That I could flap my arms and fly just like a butterfly.

I didn't know if it was true or if he fibbed to me,

But I had to try because of curiosity.

He told me if you caught a dozen butterflies or so,

And gently rubbed them on your arms and legs and let them go.

The dust that was upon their wings would start to make you light,

And if you caught enough of them the dust would give you flight.

So all day long out in a field I did what I was told,

And thought of being Peter Pan when I was 5 years old.

I caught the little butterflies and rubbed them on my skin,

My arms and legs and everywhere, I even rubbed my chin.

He had said a dozen but I strived for even more,

I wanted more than I would need so I could really soar.

Late that afternoon I felt that it was time to try,

I now had all the powder of a giant butterfly.

Excitement overwhelmed me as I climbed upon a fence,

In my mind it had to work, it had made so much sense.

So standing on the fence post with my arms outstretched and tight,

Planning all my destinations on my maiden flight.

Should I go see Mikey and land in his yard some place?

Or should I just fly by my mom so I can watch her face?

Maybe I should just take off and plan it in the air,

Once I get the hang of it, I can go anywhere.

Now the moment has arrived; I leap and look around,

But suddenly I find myself just sitting on the ground.

I must have done it wrong, I should have flapped my arms I know,

Even butterflies must flap their wings to make them go.

So on the fence post I would go and find the secret power,

Trying everything I knew which took almost an hour.

Finally sitting on the ground after my last try,

I faced the grim reality that it was just a lie.

Dusting myself off and sadly going on my way,

I realized at that young age to watch what people say.

Thinking back over the years the lessons I have learned,

Thinking of that first time when my trusting heart was spurned.

Realizing now as then some people can be cruel,

Getting much enjoyment out of making you the fool.

But such is life and as we age we learn from our mistakes,

Sometimes trusting brings you joy but other times heartaches.

But trust we do and trust we must to live in harmony,

Realizing in this life that what will be will be.

Life is never what we want or goes how we have planned,

Sometimes life will throw you curves that we don't understand.

Sometimes in our happiness our life comes crashing down,

And in our pain we feel as if we're sprawled upon the ground

One day we feel as if we soar like eagles in their flight,

When everything that life can bring seems beautiful and right.

But in a moment life can change; the pendulum will swing,

And painful heartache mixed with tears is what the day will bring.

As life goes on you realize that everyday is new,

And what you thought was in the future now comes into view.

Life has a way of fleeing by before our very eyes,

And suddenly we realize it caught us by surprise.

So as you plan the future and whatever comes your way,

Don't forget to take the time to just enjoy today.

Tomorrow is not promised it is just a future plan,

Today the sun is shining so enjoy it while you can.

Then as you do remember life will sometimes bring you pain,

But always brings experience and wisdom we can gain.

So as we travel through this life we live and love and trust,

And smile and know that sometimes life can be like butterfly dust.

February – A month depicted by hearts

~ by Cherie Houston

We see and hear reminders everywhere, that February is a month depicted by hearts – Hearts for Valentines Day, Hears for the National Heart Association, but doesn’t anyone realize my child has died – if they do, why then isn’t there any mention of the broken hearts…

Yes, during this month of February (as though we forget during any other month) but during this month, as we grieve for our child or children who have died, try to take a little time to be gentle with yourself, to tend to your broken heart.. and while you are doing this – just remember… .
• Grief must be selfish in order to survive. Put yourself first!
• You have to learn to take care of yourself, baby steps at first is just fine, but unless you take care of yourself, you won't be much good to those who love and need you…those who are still alive…
• No matter what you or others might think – You are absolutely not going insane, you are not crazy, you are grieving the loss of your child.
• The death of child might cause you to doubt or lose your faith, and that's also normal and God totally understands and when you are ready, he'll welcome you back with open arms, jut like any loving father....
• It is scientifically proven that the loss of a child is similar to a major physical injury, it’s just that our injuries – our mental & spiritual wounds aren’t evident..
• Do what’s right for you – and if that means taking time off work – than so be it, and for some moms, it’s necessary to get back to work as soon as possible – again there is no right or wrong, you simply have to do what’s best for you – and remember, you can change your mind at any time…
• Getting sleep is very important – it helps us to heal and to have the strength we need to make this journey..
• Remember to eat something every day – even several small meals or snacks are beneficial – especially protein for energy and staying hydrated by drinking plenty of fluids.
• Avoid alcohol and illegal drug use, as these are downers and will increase your depression severely.
• No matter what you might be told, there is no right or wrong way to grieve - how we grieve is unique to each of us - only you can now what's right for you...
• Know that it is ok to take time off from grieving, to smile, laugh and enjoy life. This does not mean you are forgetting your child-that's impossible.
• It’s alright to cry – remember tears are never a sign of weakness, tears and our broken heart are the price we pay for loving someone the way we loved our child…

Taking Care Of Your Relationship After The Death Of A Child

~ By Lisa Buell, written January 29, 2009

Valentine’s Day is a day for lovers, a time to celebrate our passion for one another.  But what happens after our child has died?  Our innocence is lost and it takes every ounce of strength to be civil or even interested in what our partners are saying.

What happens when our psychological energy is consumed with the memories of our child and it is taking everything we have just to get through the day? What happens when we can barely look at our spouse because it reminds us of the dream that was our life, a dream that evaporated the moment our child took a last breath?

What we do is follow our own breath, let it take us deep inside ourselves to20find the love and gratitude for the history we have shared with our partner.  We take this time to acknowledge that our partners experience the same love we have for our child; many of our memories are theirs as well.

This Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to remember the love we have for our child and the magnificence that our love created.  Know that we have the ability somewhere deep within ourselves to rise above the loss just long enough to create something that comes from our hearts, even when they are broken: a collage of our family, a table decoupage with our pictures, a necklace engraved with our children’s names, a new remote control so our spouse can continue to zone out on the television, a quilt made from our child’s clothes, a rose bush in the garden that is our child’s favorite color.

Or we can wait until it’s Valentine’s Day and buy massive quantities of half-price chocolate and eat until we fall into a sugar coma, sleeping off the hangover as we hope to be more up for Valentine’s Day next year.  

We all have choices in this life, I believe in the human spirit and that we are all trying to do our very best… whatever that may look like. So do your best to love yourself and know that the love, passion, and energy you once felt for your partner will begin to flow yet again.

Lisa Buell is a writer, activist, mother of three and parent of two. She works with Children’s Hospice and Palliative Care Coalition, Partnership for Parents www.childrenshospice.org , as a parent advocate bringing a parent’s perspective to the development of palliative care programs and policies. To contact Lisa email her at lisa@childrenshospice.org

The Holiday of Love

~ author unknown, but originally posted in a TCF (The Compassionate Friends) Newsletter in Chicago, ILL and sent to us for our blog by Cynthia Gromanski

     Valentine’s day, a day of remembering our loved ones with small gifts and great feelings.

     When your child was living, did you often remember him or her on Valentine’s Day with a card or a balloon, perhaps a gift of candy or something special that was wanted?  So, why stop that tradition?

     Remember your child with love on this special day.  A single rose left at a grave; a special photo in a nice frame to sit on the mantle.  These are ideas from  an article in an old magazine.  It seems like a pretty good idea too!  What a better way to celebrate the Holiday of Love than by enjoying fond memories of your child.

     Try making his or her favorite dinner and treating the family.  Use special photos scattered around the table to talk about some fun facts about him or her.  It’s important to show the others in the family how much they are also love, so don’t forget some small Valentine’s gifts for them too!

     Just because our hearts are broken, we don’t need to ignore the “Holiday of Love.”