~ by Traci
Morlock, a Bereaved Sibling - BP/USA St. Louis Chapter
The worst
time of the year for me is the holidays. I guess the worst part of the holidays
is the changing of the seasons. My
brother, Sean, always loved Fall. For him it was a romantic time of the year.
Sean’s birthday is November 11, the height of Fall. So, the holiday season
begins for me with the first leaf falling off the tree. As Sean’s birthday
approaches, I find myself getting sadder and sadder. I never know how much I
really miss him until I realize he’s missed another birthday. As the other
holidays grow nearer, I begin to dread them more.
The first
year, no one wanted to have Christmas, but we felt we needed it for my
daughter. Her birthday is Christmas Eve and she turned two that year. Doing
Christmas for her makes it a little easier but, at the same time makes it that
much more difficult.
Sean thought
we needed holidays all year long. While helping my Mom put up Christmas
decorations, I look at our family picture above the piano, the last of the five
of us. I told my Mom that we would never be that happy again. I know that is a sad
thing to say, but I know a part of me will always be missing.
Each year I
feel a numbness set in over the holidays. The numbness begins around Sean’s
birthday and ends after the first of each year. Sean’s been gone almost four
years (can it be that it’s been that long?)
The year of
Sean’s death, my Mom didn’t know what to do with the ornaments that Sean had
collected over the years. The Christmas before Sean died, my Mom purchased a
miniature tree for the family room. Sean made fun of it. The next year, Mom
purchased Sean his own miniature tree for the family room. Sean’s tree is
filled with all of his ornaments and his used guitar strings for tinsel. Sean’s
tree goes up right after Thanksgiving and doesn’t come down until after January
24th, the anniversary of his death. This tree has actually helped to make the
holidays seem a little brighter.
A part of my
brother is there in that tree. I was out shopping a few weeks ago and I bought
an ornament that would go perfectly on Sean’s tree. The ornament is the first
one I have purchased for Sean since he died. Just buying that one ornament has
actually made me look forward to the holidays.
I know the
holidays will never be the same without our “Holiday Clown,” but we will make
new memories, laugh and cry at the old ones, and just survive this time of
year. I wish you a peaceful holiday season filled with precious moments and happy
memories. I also hope that you can share a smile. Peace, Traci Morlock
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