Halloween - The dreaded holiday season is about to begin

There is no doubt that from Halloween until after the New Year, many of us who are grieving can be totally overwhelmed with emotions... even if it's been quite some time since your child died, the memories or lack of them) can haunt us and bring us back to that painful place we try so hard to move from...  

During the next  11-12 weeks we will try to share articles & experiences (some of which we've published in the past) that might help each of us prepare for and get through this difficult time..  Know that you will get through it, but being prepared can help ease your heartache and hopefully find a little...Cherie Houston.

THAT TIME OF YEAR - By Mary Cleckley -BP/USA Member at Large

It’s Halloween time again. Is that thought bothering you? It probably is, particularly if you had a little one who would have been out doing a little tricking and getting a lot of treating that night.

Or, maybe your child was too small or didn’t live to see even one Halloween. That hurts too, doesn’t it?

Sometimes we grieve for what was and sometimes we grieve for what could have been.

Maybe, like me, your child was too old for conning neighbors into treats, but it still is a hard night in the beginning. All special days and nights are. If you have small children who need

to be a part of this special night, maybe a family member or a good friend will accompany them on their appointed rounds. They’ll enjoy the evening just as much and you can

“treat” yourself by choosing to stop the world and got off for a little while. 

If you have no children at home, this may be a good time to close up shop for that one night. Take in a movie – or stay at home and give no inviting signs that say you want to participate in the festivities of the evening.

Do what is comfortable for you. One day you will be able to enjoy treating the little ones again. This just may not be the year. Isn’t it good to know our needs and abilities change as time goes by?

From Halloween until after the new arrives, know and accept that this time of year can be overwhelming, especially the first few years after your child has died, no matter their age.  Go easy on yourself and try to be patient with others - remember those around us mean well as they “encourage” us to participate during the holiday season, but remember you need to do what is right for you and those who love you will understand…

Turning Tragedy into a Positive..

Thank you to Saundra Blanknship for sharing this story with us quite some time ago, that was published in her local Ft. Worth, TX paper several years ago..  Saundra saved it to give to her cousin who had just lost her little boy and shared it with us when she found our blog...hoping it might help ease the pain and give some hope to another grieving mom...

~ Written By Local Reporter Kyle Peveto 5.15.2008

For months after her 9-year-old son died in a bizarre car accident, Myra Dean remained in shock.  She took a job in Saipan, a commonwealth of the United States in the Pacific Ocean, and had no idea what to do with her grief until she read about the Compassionate Friends group in a Guam newspaper. The newsletters she received from the organization of bereaved parents helped her understand that she was not alone and that she would be forever changed.

When the StoryCorps Airstream trailer came to Abilene this spring, Dean's boyfriend insisted they reserve a spot to record her story. Her emotional telling of the death of her son Rich struck StoryCorps producers enough that they edited the 40-minute session into a shorter feature that is tentatively scheduled to run on National Public Radio's Morning Edition at 5:30 and 7:30 a.m. Friday.

"It's very raw. She talks about how painful it is. She talks about her feelings, about God and about how she overcame this over time. A bereaved parent is always a bereaved parent. The pain never leaves you," said Gary Jamison, Dean's boyfriend, who conducted the interview in March.

"It comes across on the (recording). It speaks to you; it pulls at your heartstrings."

While living in Kansas City, Kan., 31 years ago, Dean separated from her husband and moved into a home on a quiet street with her son. He was riding his bicycle one Friday evening in May when Dean was preparing to spend a night out with friends. When she went to pick up the baby sitter two blocks away, she left Rich riding his bicycle with his friend, telling him to watch for cars.

Returning, she saw a crowd near Rich's friend's house and an ambulance. Immediately, she knew it was her son. "Some people don't believe that you can know that," she said in her StoryCorps interview. "I don't know if it's the tie between a mother and children, or me and Rich in particular, but I knew."

Rich had been playing in the yard, watching the sunset, when an out-of-control car flipped over the hedge and landed on Rich and his friend. The friend was unscathed. Rich was crushed.

Her father died later that summer, and Dean felt amazed that no one understood her pain.

"Expectations are that in a year, you'll be better. But after the first year, the shock is just wearing off," she told the Reporter-News. "After that is the real roller-coaster ride."

Years later, after founding the first Compassionate Friends chapter in Abilene, she began speaking each semester to an Abilene Christian University class on death and dying. She tried to help the students empathize with a parent who has lost a child.

"When you lose your child, that was your future. ... Even genetically, I was a part of my parents, but they were not a part of me," she said in the interview. "Richard was genetically, physically part of me. And when I talk I always try to find ways to explain to people about the pain, and I say it's as if you've had an invisible amputation."  "At some point you get over the pity and say, 'This is life.'"

Jamison heard her speak last fall and encouraged her to write a book or tell the story to other bereaved parents. Then he scheduled the time with StoryCorps.  Dean said her life is "like a soap opera." She also has survived kidney cancer and bears an S-shaped scar from the surgery.

Tuesday was the 31st anniversary of Rich's death. For years, she remembered him painfully, but now she acknowledges the day.  Now, Dean is the development director for KACU, Abilene's NPR station at ACU. Next to her desk is a framed drawing by Rich of an ocean scene with blue whales and men swimming with tridents.

Rich's death changed her life.  She said she knows she will never "get over" his death, but she has learned to live with his memory.

The Journey Group Meetings resume this Thursday Oct. 24th 10am-12N - Join Us

For mom's in the Lake Havasu City area, we are pleased to let you know that The Journey Group will begin meeting for the Fall 2013 thru Spring 2014 sessions on Thursday 10/24 at 10 a.m. until noon at the Lake Havasu City Aquatic Center, Rooms 153 & 154.  

A schedule of up-coming sessions will be part of your 10/24 hand-out material.  Please make note of the dates and we will also note reminders of the dates here as well..

If you have a friend or know someone who is a bereaved Mother, PLEASE email or phone me.  I will make contact with her, personally inviting her to the Journey Group.  I will follow up by sending a letter and brochure.  

Also, IF you have any suggestions you would like to make for the meetings........I.E. something special you think we should do;  a project we might consider to review........PLEASE get in touch with me.  This is YOUR GROUP........not just mine.  We can do anything we choose to do to celebrate our children.   I am totally open to new and fresh ideas.   I welcome hearing from you.

Our 7th Annual Retreat will be held at the Stagecoach Trails Guest Ranch the weekend of Friday 2/21/14.......Sunday 2/23/14.   Theme is "MY HEART WILL GO ON".....     Retreat information and registration forms will be available at the first meeting.  

The annual "Lights of Love" Candlelight Ceremony  will be held the 2nd Sunday of the month of December.   Location will be Calvary Baptist LHC and the date is 12/08/13 @ 6:00 p.m.  More details will follow.   PLEASE mark your calendars. 

With this said.......I hope to see each one of you soon.  Remember in Jer. 31:13  God promises HE will turn our mourning into JOY !!!    Expect it...........Look for it!!!   It is there!!!  You just have to accept it.    

Blessings, Love and PEACE in your lives ,  Joyce Floyd

Death is nothing at all...................

Death is nothing at all

~ by Henry Scott-Holland, Canon of St. Paul’s - 1847-1913

Death is nothing at all…

I have only slipped away into the next room…

I am I and you are you…

whatever we were to each other that we are still.

Call me by my old familiar name,

speak to me in the easy way which you always used.

Put no difference into your tone;

wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Pray, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.

Let it be spoken without effect,

without the ghosts of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the as it ever was;

there is absolutely unbroken continuity.

What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you, for an interval,

somewhere very near just around the corner…

All is well.

Will it ever be the same again?

Sorry, but it can never be the same again...   (author unknown)

When a child of ours has died, or any one else whom we love for that matter, we hope and even pray that things will somehow be the same…that our life – our family – will get back to “normal”  As time goes on, we realize that “it will never be the same.”  We will always miss our loved one who has died.  At special holidays and family gatherings, there is always one person missing.  Some family members and friends assume that we are back to normal.  They just do not understand.

Once the horrific initial shock and sense of total denial of the initial few months begin to pass, the enormous and sad reality begins to become clear and for most of us, that is the time that seems the most difficult.  Our grief seems unbearable and we wonder if our heartache and sorrow is our new reality.  But life does go on and we don’t have a choice – we will and must go through this. 

What seems to complicate our grief is that once a few months have passed, many of those around us – our friend, co-workers and even family members, feel we are “getting better” and “moving on” but we know that’s so far from the truth – we are simply surviving and existing or when we don’t “get over it quickly enough” many people who we assumed would be there for us, pull away out f their own frustration of no knowing how and what to do to help us.  This is so common.  It is believed that this can be attributed in part to a general lack of knowledge of what grief is, leading to unrealistic expectations being placed on those who are grieving.  Sometimes it is helpful to communicate about our loss with someone new, since some old friends often just want us to return to our old selves again, which is unrealistic on their part.

So many times during the first year of mourning, especially following the holidays or anniversary of the death, those around us, as well as those of us who are grieving, may expect that everything will finally be OK and get better…  Be careful not to expect too much; because if and when things don’t magically “get better” many become discouraged.  

There is and never will be a timetable for grief – it is different for each and every person on this journey and different for each and every time the journey is made…  So be gentle with yourself and those around you..  It’s best not to have unrealistic expectations and remind yourself over and over again, there is no timetable for grief.. 

Anger & Guilt are very normal emotions

Anger & Guilt are normal emotions

~ by Judith Rollins, Ph.D.-Department of Family and Human Development, Utah State University

The death of a child, at any age or for any reason, is probably the most traumatic event that parents must endure. In this current society, with its medical advances, people expect to die in a predictable sequence. Simply put, parents should die before their children. When some tragic circumstance changes this order, parents are bewildered, not only by the overwhelming grief for the loss of the child, but also by the seeming unfairness of the death.

The cause of the child’s death does not seem to affect the amount of grief that parents experience over time. A child’s death following a long illness appears to be just as difficult for parents as a death due to a sudden accident. Also, most parents grieve as intensely for a very young child as they grieve for an older child.

For bereaved parents, there is no “standard” grief period. Compared to all other crises, the recovery period following a child’s death appears to take the longest amount of time. It is important for parents to understand that they are not abnormal if they experience periods of sadness and grief for many years afterward. And two of the most common and often lingering emotions may be anger & guilt.

Anger - Initially, many parents feel very angry. This anger may occur because the child’s death seems so unfair and parents feel so helpless. The anger may be directed towards oneself, one’s spouse, the medical profession, an outsider, or even God. Parents often look for someone to blame, even each other, so they can “make sense” out of a needless loss. When anger and blame can be openly expressed, they usually give way to the more rational feelings of loss and grief. It is best to acknowledge the anger one feels and try to determine the source of the anger rather than deny the feelings. Repressed anger may resurface later as depression.  If talking about angry feelings with one’s spouse is difficult, perhaps a third person, such as a counselor, minister or support group, might help minimize the stress of such an encounter and hopefully direct the negative feelings to their appropriate source.

Guilt - Guilt is another emotion that parents often feel. Society expects parents to be able to protect their children, and a child’s death may make the parents feel they have failed in this responsibility. Fathers may wish they had spent more time with the child, or mothers may feel guilty if they were employed outside the home. The child’s every unfulfilled wish may be remembered with guilt. This type of guilt is usually irrational. It is important that parents be able to discuss these guilty feelings as they occur and to understand that the child’s death was unrelated to the events that have caused their guilty feelings.
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There is no question - the death of a child is the most overwhelming grief possible - the loss of a child is unlike any other loss. Be patient with yourself - adjusting to life without your child is an ongoing process.  There will be time when your grief journey seems slower than it should be and that's OK.  There will be times in the months and years ahead when WHAM!! out of the blue you are overwhelmed again with grief and that's OK.  All of this is normal - the journey of grief is different for each of us..

Finding meaning in life

Finding meaning in life..

Special thanks to Paula Simmons for sharing this with us from the www.cancer.net site she visits often, since the death of her 9 year old daughter Mariah in the fall of 2008.  The article was entitled "Grieving the Loss of A Child: - June 2009

Parents whose children have died say that they never really “get over” the death of a child, but rather learn to live with the loss.

The death of a child can force parents to rethink their priorities and reexamine the meaning of life. It may seem impossible to newly grieving parents, but parents do go on to find happiness and reinvest in life again.

An important step for many parents is to create a legacy for their child and make their child's life, no matter how short, have a more complete purpose. Parents may choose to honor their child by volunteering at a local hospital or a cancer support organization. Parents may work to support interests their child once had, start a memorial fund, or plant trees in their child’s memory. It is important to remember that it is never disloyal to the deceased child to re-engage in life and to find pleasure in new experiences.

Every child changes the lives of his or her parents. Children show us new ways to love, new things to find joy in, and new ways look to at the world.

A part of each child’s legacy is that the changes he or she brings to a family continue after the child's death. The memories of joyful moments you spent with your child and the love you shared will live on and always be a part of you.