It Happened Again

Special thanks to Holly Polakoff from New Jersey for sending this - she commented that when she falls back into that very uncomfortable "dark place" that feels as though she's drowning in her grief, she pulls out this article and reads it again and again to remind herself that she is going to get through it.  She knows she has to, when her son Burke died suddenly due to a tragic accident at the age of 11, she had 3 younger children who desperately needed her.  But there were times she said, that even her love for her 3 little ones, didn't seem as though it would be enough to help her go on (but of course it was)..  "It Happened Again" was written by Sandy Goodman

It’s happening again.  Right outside my front door, under an inch of leftover snow a daffodil is pushing its way up into the sunlight.  The bare places in my lawn are thawed and messy, and the steady drip from the roof lulls us to sleep. Yesterday I strolled the thirty feet to my mailbox without a jacket.  Spring has reappeared.

Spring is a time for optimism.  Suddenly living seems easier, happier, and less stressful.  Depression lifts and a feeling of hope fills the air.  We shed our winter blues and replace our frowns and cantankerous attitudes with smiles and loving kindness.  We visit with our neighbors over fences, clean up the barbecues, and start leafing through seed catalogues.  Life is good….but not invariably and not for everyone. 

I remember a spring that bore no resemblance to what I’ve just described.  It was the spring of ’97 and it was the first spring after my son’s death.  By the time the first warm day arrived that year, the numbness of Jason’s death had disappeared and I had entered what I call the “pit of grief.”  Simply typing this paragraph takes me back in time and once again, I am there…..

.....and it is cold and dark.  I am alone, curled up in a corner of this make believe place where

.....only my pain exists.  The sorrow is my only link to him, my only awareness, the only thing that 

.....matters.  If I allow myself to move away from it, I may lose him again.  I cannot do that.  I

.....cannot take that chance.  And so I hold it, cradle the pain in my arms, shielding it from those

.....who want to take it from me, and I weep……

However, spring arrives without invitations and it calls on everyone.  It skips in like a long awaited guest and expects to be welcomed with open arms.  I recall what seemed like the entire world growing jovial and lighthearted, which merely pushes me to tunnel further in my corner and the sanctuary of my grief.  I longed for the reappearance of winter because it had kept the “ones who do not know” away from the door.  I remember feeling betrayed.  How could the earth suddenly wake up and come alive when my son had no opportunity to do so?

It’s happening again.  Spring is once again knocking on our doors.  Each of you know, love, or can befriend someone who is precisely where I was (ten) years ago.

The winter has been long and hard; you are ready for a new beginning.  I understand.  I share your anticipation.  (Ten) years ago is not now.  My corner of the pit had been occupied by many since my stay there, and I have no intention of revisiting it.  But there are many who have just descended and they are burrowing in, seeking solitude.  Although I firmly believe that being there is a necessary task in getting to the other side of grief, I also believe that we must come out occasionally for fresh air and sunshine.  It is up to you, and to me, to go into this world and reach out for her hand.  Once she’s taken hold, her chance of successfully climbing out is greatly increased.  So go on, go buy those doughnuts…..someone is waiting just for you.

Sandy Goodman is the author of “ Love Never Dies: A Mother’s Journey from Loss to Love”

Grief Changes

(author unknown)

     Grief is a process and nothing stays the same.  Even if you feel you have remained ‘stuck’ in the same hurting place, you have moved in the Valley.  You are continually making progress even when you slip backwards or sideways for a time.  It becomes the GRIEF SHUFFLE…..1 step up, 2 steps back, 2 steps sideways, we all fall down.  The hard part is that the music keeps changing ALL THE TIME!!

     You may have stumbled around in the dark for a long time.  But as you learned the steps you may have found others dancing around the same stones.  And you discover you are NOT alone.  Although you may have experienced the loss of some of your closest friends, you begin to meet others, staggering through the same pain.  The journey doesn’t get much easier, but it does become less lonely.

     And grief changes…..as we change.

Am I going crazy?

Susan Schneider from boulder, CO sent this to me lat year, but I believe we've shared this before..  This is a question I think almost all of our who have lost a child ask ourselves from time to time and although we may know we are not, the fear is certainly overwhelming at times - even years after the death when we should be totally okay (or at least that's what others around us think), so i thought it might help if we share it again...  No we aren't going crazy, we are simply devastated by our unimaginable loss... May you find peace in the days and months ahead - Cherie Houston

Am I Going Crazy?

By Russell Friedman and John W. James @ legacy.com “Grief Recovery Handbook”

 response to the death of someone important to them is a sense of numbness. After that initial numbness wears off, the most common physiological reaction is a reduced ability to concentrate. The rest of the world goes out of focus. Nothing else is important.

It is normal and natural that your entire being is centered on what happened and your relationship with the person who died. The length of time that the reduced ability to concentrate lasts is individual and can vary from a few days to several months, and even longer. It is not a sign that there’s something wrong with you. The fact that the emotional impact of the death of that person has altered your day-to-day routines is very healthy. It would make no sense for you to not be affected by the death.

It is normal to drift out of focus in response to conscious or unconscious memories of the person who died. Please be gentle with yourself in allowing that your focus is not on the actions of life, but on your reactions to a death.

If you’re at work, you can take little “grief breaks” as needed. It’s a good idea to establish a safe person at work who you can talk to when and if you get overwhelmed. It’s also smart to have a phone pal you can call when the emotions keep you from concentrating. The breaks and chats will make you able to do the work you need to do.

Please keep in mind that it’s important to focus while driving a car. It’s not safe to drive with tears in your eyes. If need be, pull over. Allow yourself to have whatever emotions come up, and maybe call someone and talk for a while before you get back on the road.

When Your Heart Is Broken, Your Head Doesn’t Work Right

Along with not being able to concentrate, your thinking ability and judgment may be limited. That’s why grieving people are advised to be careful about making major life decisions in the aftermath of the death of someone important to them. To put it in simple terms, when your heart is broken, your head doesn’t work right. You must take care either not to make big decisions until you regain your ability to focus, or you must make sure you have people you trust to help you understand your choices and the consequences of what you decide.

There are other common physiological reactions to grief. Sleeping habits are often disrupted for an extended period of time. You may find yourself unable to sleep, or you may not be able to get out of bed. You can even go back and forth between those extremes. Eating patterns are also subject to confusion. You may not be able to eat at all, or you may not be able to stop. You can also ping-pong between those extremes. Sleeping and eating disruptions aren’t as common as the reduced ability to concentrate, but they can be really uncomfortable. If they happen, it also doesn’t mean you’re going crazy. It just means that your routines and habits are out of synch.

Another common grief reaction is best described as a roller coaster of emotions. It can be a wild ride, with tremendous emotional shifts. But, like concentration and the eating and sleeping issues, that roller coaster is one of the typical responses to the death of someone important to you. Don’t fight it, just go along for the ride, no matter how bumpy it might be. When it happens, it’s a good idea to call a friend, and talk about what you’re feeling. Talking about what you’re experiencing helps make sure you don’t trap your feelings inside.

Normal and Natural — Not Crazy

The reduced ability to concentrate; the disruption of sleeping and eating patterns; and the roller coaster of emotions are all normal and natural reactions to death. There is nothing crazy about them or you.

Those reactions usually diminish within time as you adapt to life without the person who died. But time doesn’t heal emotional wounds, nor does it complete anything that may have been left emotionally unfinished when the person died. Sometimes it’s just the feeling of wanting to have said one more “I love you and goodbye.” Sometimes it is a more complex set of communications that would include apologies, forgiveness, and significant emotional statements.

It is always helpful to discover and complete anything that was left unfinished. Doing so will allow you to have fond memories not turn painful. It will also help you remember your person the way you knew them in life. And it will help you continue a life of meaning and value, even though it is altered by the absence of he person who died.

Above all, allow yourself to be out of rhythm. As we said, be careful when you’re driving and be cautious when making major decisions. Be gentle with yourself as you make your re-entry back into the flow of your life. But don’t judge yourself harshly because you are having any or all of the reactions we mentioned.

New years resolutions for grieving parents are different

A New Year is here, like it or not and some say it’s a time for resolutions.  For those of us who are grieving the death of our child, resolutions can be different from those of our friends and families.  

We hope these resolutions might help you to find peace and joy throughout the new year ahead…

• I will try not to imagine the future and take one day at a time.
• I will allow myself to cry, both alone and with my loved ones.
• I will not shut out family and friends from my thoughts and feelings.
• I will take care of my health. A sick body will only compound my troubles.
• I will drink a lot of water, take multivitamins, rest (even if I don’t sleep) and exercise moderately. 
• I will help heal my body as well as my mind.
• I will keep a journal to see my progress through grief.
• I will be patient with myself
• I will learn to accept that the journey through grief does not meet a specific timetable
• I will share my feelings with friends and let them share with me. I realize I am coming out of my shell when I care about the pain of others.
• I will try not to expect so much understanding from those who have not walked the same path.
• I will learn to accept the help and kindness of others.
• I will be kind to myself, and appreciate my health, appearance, and time alone.
• I will try to be more considerate of my spouse, children and parents. They, too, are coping and deserve my help.
• In memory of my child, I will do something to help someone else. This way, my child can live on through me.
• I will remember that I owe it to myself to enjoy life.