A Step-Parent's Grief

I received the following article from one of our moms who felt that the message needed to be shared and I agree. Step-parents - whether they be moms or dads - are often overlooked during the grieving process. I'm not saying it is done intentionally - but most people have a difficult enough time dealing with the "natural parents" of a child who has died, so it may be even harder for them to comprehend the pain that a step-parent may be experiencing...

My husband Dan and I have been married for a little more than 14 years. Prior to our marriage and creating our wonderful blended family, Dan and I had been neighbors for 20 years. I had recently divorced and Dan's beloved wife Irene of 25+ years died of breast cancer in Nov. 1993. During our 20 years as neighbors, the 4 of us were such close friends sharing holidays, vacations, our children's accomplishments and his 2 boys and my 3 sons, had truly grown up together..

I've never doubted how broken Dan's heart was when Bobby died 2 years ago or since.. Dan has shared my grief every step of this journey - his love for Bobby was real and deep.. But when I read Menna's story, I was sure that during this journey, that Dan probably felt the same way she did.. I hope it has helped give me new insight into the grief of other step-parents... Cherie Houston

A Step-parent’s grief ~ by Menna

I knew my stepson for the last two thirds of his life. He kept in touch with his father and me on a regular basis although he never lived with us. After he died, differences in the grieving process seemed small, as the knowledge I have of my stepson’s early life arises from memories which my husband has related to me. My sense of loss for this period is ‘second-hand’ and contained within my imagination.

I never knew my husband without his son and daughter. So, as far as I was concerned, his children were part of him. I could see his likeness in them. Therefore, when my stepson died I felt as if part of my husband had also been permanently removed. I soon became afraid that the whole of my husband would be lost and I felt panicky if I was away from him for very long. I could see how much my husband was affected by his loss and how much he seemed to have aged.

I was now grieving the loss of my stepson and the loss of the husband I knew. People often asked me how my husband was doing, but did not enquire so much about me. I found this question very difficult to answer because my loss was different to his. Eventually, I tried to think how I was managing, and then told people that was how my husband was doing. Many seemed to think I would be strong for my husband, but it was as if they didn’t know that I was devastated too.

I feel I am perhaps in a similar position to spouses of people diagnosed with a long term illness, or of a person sent to prison. My life has changed because of the crisis in my loved ones life. We are married and operate as a unit, not as individuals.

Just for Today (Section 6 of 6)

Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,

for deep in my heart I know

if there was anything in this world I could have done

to save my child from death,

I would have done it.

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

Kelly mentioned when he posted this series "I have spoken to 100′s of grieving dads and the one thing we all have in common is guilt. We find so many ways to blame ourselves for what happened to our children. We go back and rethink things over and over. ”If I would have done this different” or “I should have been there for them”. There are so many ways we find to blame ourselves. However, like this section of poem says, “deep in my heart I know if there was anything in this world I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.” If only for today you can find away to forgive whatever it is your thinking about, please try to do it. I believe guilt is a great destroyer" ~ Kelly Farley,

You can Email Kelly at: Kelly@GrievingDads.com

Just for Today (Section 5 of 6)

Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend of my child,

for they are hurting too,

and perhaps we can help each other.

for the next several days, I will continue to post a separate section from this powerful poem "Just for Today" to ponder....

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

Just For Today (Section 4 of 6)

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside

for maybe if I smile a little,

my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

For the next several days, I will continue to post a separate section from this powerful poem "Just for Today" to ponder....

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

Just For Today (Section 3 of 6)

Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends

who didn’t help or comfort me the way I needed them to.

They truly did not know how.

For the next several days, I will continue to post a separate section from this powerful poem "Just for Today" to ponder....

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

Just for Today (Section 2 of 6)

Just for today I will remember my child’s life,

not just their death, and bask in the comfort of all

those treasured days and moments we shared.

for the next several days, I will continue to post a separate section from this powerful poem "Just for Today" to ponder....

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

Just for Today (Section 1 of 6)

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child’s death, but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

For the next several days, I am going to post a separate section from this powerful poem "Just for Today" to ponder....

This poem was written for bereaved parents by Vicki Tushingham. In August 2010, Kelly Farley, Founder of “The Dads Project” and a wonderful blog for grieving dads, shared this same series with his readers… I agree with Kelly and would encourage you to share this with others… I would also encourage you to visit Kelly’s blog for dads (and moms also). If you know of a grieving dad, refer them to the blog, it truly is a wonderful resource for dads, who often get lost in this journey from mourning for their children …

Kelly’s Blog: http://www.grievingdads.wordpress.com/

REMEMBERING

REMEMBERING
~ BY Ken Falk, TCF, Central CT

Will there ever be a day when I will be able to go to a graduation,

an engagement party, a wedding, cut a birthday cake, see a nephew,

a niece, or a grandchild? Toast a New Year, hide an Easer egg,

hang a Christmas stocking, or enjoy a lazy Sunday afternoon

without remembering and wondering what might

have been…

and if that day ever comes, will I feel
better or worse?

Help a Friend whose Grieving their Childs Death

I want to thank Paula Evans from Shreveport, Louisiana for sending me the following article. Paula was searching the internet and found our blog which she reads often. When Paula found the following article she thought it might help others in her situation, who just don't know how or what to do to help a friend-in Paula's case it is her closest friend, who lost her 2 yr. old son in a horrible accident this past summer.. Thank you Paula...

~ Written by Robbie Miller Kaplan

The death of a child is a devastating loss and a life-changing event. It’s hard to know what to say to comfort the bereaved parents. Friends and loved ones may think the parents know best what they need so they might ask the bereaved to call if they need anything. While the sentiment is sincere, when asking, “Please call me,” it places a burden on someone grieving a loss; someone who can barely muster the energy to get out of bed in the morning.

I recently asked bereaved parents to share what helps and what hurts. Here’s what they’d like you to know:

Don’t avoid us; we already feel different and your absence isolates us even more.

Understand that you’ll have to give more than you’ll get; we just don’t have the energy or strength right now to do much more than take care of ourselves.

Remind us of what was so special about our child; “I’ll never forget Melissa’s beautiful smile.”

Share with us how our child made a difference; “Timothy’s courage was so inspiring, I will never forget how bravely he faced the treatments.”

Accept that we’ve changed; we don’t like it either but our experience makes us see the world from a different perspective.

Stay in touch; even if we seem unresponsive, keep up the connection. Call, email, or write a note. And don’t stop including us. Your friendship and support means the world even if we don’t seem responsive.

Don’t forget our child. Say their name and tell us stories; it’s music to our ears. Let us know how much you loved them, will miss seeing them grow, and how you too feel the pain of their absence.

Be with us even if we’re not much fun. Accompany us on a walk, go to the movies, attend a support group, and invite us for coffee. Your friendship and support is the best therapy.

It can be very hard to stay in touch with friends and loved ones in so much pain. It might help to understand that each of us has the power to truly help in the healing process. And the most helpful way to help is to be a continued presence.


Note: Robbie Miller Kaplan is an author who writes from a unique perspective as a mother who herself has lost two children. She has written How to Say It When You Don't Know What to Say, a guide to help readers communicate effectively when those they care about experience loss.

Parental Grief and the journey

For any parent, whether married, single, or step-parent, the death of a child is one of the devastating losses anyone can experience. The age of the child makes no difference – whether it is a child not yet born, a tiny baby, a young child, a teenager or a full grown adult with children of their own, the death of a son or daughter at any age is a parent’s most painful and debilitating loss.

So many of us struggle alone with our grief in the beginning. You might not want to bother anyone, you might not anyone near you, maybe you just don't want to be reminded of what has happened so that we can deny it. But no matter how you are feeling, it’s important to remind yourself that you don’t have to do this alone. Sharing your grief and the journey of grief with others who have had a similar experience can be helpful and give you hope.

The person you choose to share this journey with might be a spouse, a dear friend or family member who has shared this experience, maybe a member of a grief support group, such as our Mom's Bereavement Group or a chapter of The Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents, it might be a trusted spiritual leader or physician, but the journey can't be avoided and you might find that it's a little less trying if you share the journey.. After all we know that traveling with someone else has many advantages and this journey is no different.

Yes, grief is a journey that we all must take when we lose someone we love – it’s just that the journey of grief for those of us who have lost a beloved child is more difficult and often takes longer…

The death of anyone we love is agonizing, but when our son or daughter dies, life is changed forever. The simple fact is, our children are ‘not supposed’ to die before us. We expect them to bury us - not the other way round. The ripping pain and seemingly endless waves of despair are not just for the immediate loss of their presence, but for all that we won’t share with them for the rest of our lives. All we have invested in them - caring, providing, advising, problem solving - now seems wasted.

But there is light at the end of this dark valley - grief journey. Although it is painful, this journey can help us create a new life, one without our child physically but with their memories.. It’s a journey to a ‘new normal’ in which there is hope, meaning and joy again - a world in which our son or daughter is never forgotten, but is always a treasured part.

So find someone to help you along on your journey and you will reach your destination, that “new normal” where there is hope, peace and joy and you can and will smile again ~ Cherie Houston