A friend sent this story to me recently and I wanted to share it with you. Although when our children die the circumstances differ greatly - their ages, how they die, our relationships with them and many other aspects - it is amazing how so many of the emotions we experience are "shared" and personally I've found it helps when I'm able to reach someone elses story and can relate to it - the stories of others help me to know that I'm not going crazy, that life - with effort, will regain some normalcy - Yes, we will never be the same, but I think what I've learned throught the deaths of my three children, is that if we want, we can and will become stronger and better people, so although they aren't here, they continue to teach me so much about myself and the world around me and for that I continue to be grateful... Cherie Houston
Enjoy this story by Harriet Hodgson
The death of a child is a stunning blow and changes a parent's life forever. It is an out-of-turn death -- something that should not happen. My daughter died at age 45 from the injuries she received in a car crash. Her death changed my identity and my life. Some of the changes are good and others are not so good.
One good change is my sensitivity to other people. Though I have always been a sensitive person, I am more sensitive now. My daughter's death, her appointment of my husband and me as her children's guardians, and becoming a GRG (grandparent raising grandchildren) have given me many new writing topics. These are good changes. What about the not so good?
When you have lost four loved ones as I have -- my daughter, father-in-law, brother, and former son-in-law, all in the span of nine months, life becomes scary. Tragedy found me and I wonder if it will find me again. Raising my twin grandchildren is my new life mission and I do it joyfully. That does not stop me from worrying about teen behavior, peer pressure, and my grandchildren's futures.
According to a Cancet Net website article, "When a Parent is Grieving the Loss of a Child," when you lose a child you may lose a close friend, link to grandchildren, and family support. My deceased daughter was all of these things and her death has left a gaping hole in my life.
Jane Bissler, PhD, writes about identity change in "My Child has Died and so Have I!: Grieving the Loss of an Adolescent Child." Her article is published in the January 2009 issue of "The Forum," the printed newsletter of the Association for Death Education and Counseling. The death of a child takes the parent's breath away, Bissler says, and changes the parent's personality.
Despite one remaining adult child, I often feel like the parent of an only child, and this surpises me. Therese A. Rando, PhD writes about identity in her book, "How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies." Grieving parents are in transition, Rando notes, and have to adjust to a new world. Language changes from "we" to "I," for example. Aspects of personality are lost and new aspects are found. According to Rando, bereaved parents need to reinvest their energy in other people and pursuits.
"You then will need to integrate your new and old selves together," she explains. I am reinvesting energy in grief books, grief articles, and talks about multiple losses. In addition, I am reinvesting energy in my husband, grandchildren, and our extended family.
The time will come, according to Bob Deits, MTh, author of "Life After Loss," when I will reconnect with life. I am doing this now. Though my identity has changed a bit, inside I am pretty much the same person. I love to write, love to cook, love intellectual challenges, love to laugh, and love sharing life with my twin grandchildren. This is who I am and who I will be in years to come.
Visit Harriet Hodgson’s website: http://www.harriethodgson.com/
Harriet Hodgson has been an independent journalist for 30 years. She is a member of the Association of Health Care Journalists and the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Her 26th book, "Writing to Recover: The Journey from Loss and Grief to a New Life," is published by Centering Corporation in Omaha, Nebraska. Centering Corporation has also published the "Writing to Recover Journal," which contains 100 writing affirmations, and the "Writing to Recover Affirmations Calendar," a stunning collection of photos and life affirmations
I lost my daughter eight months ago unexpectedly, I have two living children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. My daughter was 51 years of age, I seem to think of her constantly. I seem to be on the edge of a black hole and will fall in and never come out. I'm getting help through counseling, family doctor, medication, family support, but it seems like I can't face a new day. I need help.
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