~~ by Cherie Houston
Isn’t it amazing how often since our child’s death, so many around us encourage us to begin “moving on”, as though since our child’s death, we had simply stopped someplace on our life’s journey for a brief visit and will now “move on” to whatever’s next!
As many of you know, I’ve lost 3 children: 2 little girls, Randee in March 1971 and Robin in July 1972 and then our 36 year old son Bobby Sept. 19, 2009. Since our first daughter Randee died, I’ve never met a parent who has lost a child that wanted to “move on” during those first days, weeks and months. For us, when the loss of our child is new, we want to stay right where we are thank you.
Don’t misunderstand, that certainly doesn’t mean we enjoy the pain ~ believe me, we don’t! But, in some strange way, the pain wraps around us, almost like a cocoon. Inside that cocoon there is a strange sense of safety that allows us to think of no one or anything other than our child who has died. For a time that is what and where we need to be - there is no way we are moving anywhere but in that place!!
In the weeks and months ahead, the cocoon seems to get thinner and other thoughts begin to invade our space. Briefly at first, but other thoughts begin to enter – thoughts of other family members, friends, our homes, our jobs and eventually the world around us. Still the tthoughts of our child prevail, but little by little they begin to mingle with other thoughts – first briefly and as time goes on, they increase without our even noticing...
At first, we may (not may-I believe we will) resent those other thoughts from invading our cocoon, but little by little we begin to welcome them. Those other thoughts give us some rest from our overwhelming pain. In time, we begin to realize that our cocoon is falling away - slowly - but it is beginning to dissipate.
Yes, slowly we are once again getting new wings back and although we may still not be ready to fly and “move on” like it or not, involuntarily our wings are beginning to grow and flutter… We have begun a normal metamorphosis - I guess this is the beginning of our journey from mourning to joy...
Eventually there will come a time when we realize that throughout our day, our thoughts of our child or children who have died, are now in balance with all our other thoughts. Our thoughts of them no longer prevail. To me, that is when I realized after the death of each of my three children that like it or not, I was in fact “moving on”.
Moving on isn’t a negative thought to me, it was a time in my grief process that I welcomed – for me it’s much too painful not to move on. Personally, I couldn't and didn't want to remain in that cocoon was the pain was overwhelming and I felt as though I couldn't catch my breath - the sense of drowning is how many describe that initial feeling..
Maybe it’s a matter of survival, but I welcomed the time when I knew I would be able to remember my three children who were no longer with us, and to remember them along with, not in place of, all my other blessings: my other children, my grandchildren, my incredible husband, our wonderful family and friends and all that we’ve been blessed with… Yes, I welcomed that day...
“Moving on” is not forgetting or ignoring our past or treating it as if it didn't exist. Instead it means we are willingly taking our past along with us. Each part of our past, whether happy or sad, good or bad, becomes part of who we are today…
As the song says “Moving on is hard to do” but it’s so important and such a vital part of allowing us to look forward to our tomorrows. It also allows us to honor our children who have gone before us and for those of us who have been blessed with other children to cherish; it certainly helps us honor them as well…
Enjoy today and all your blessings, large & small.. I have come to believe that “moving on” is in itself a blessing… Cherie Houston
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