Coping with Pregnancy Loss,Stillbirth or Neonatal Infant Loss

~ by Cherie Houston

The death of a child takes the wind out of our sails – and despite what some might think, that same sense of horrible loss can be just as challenging for moms and dads who suffer the loss of a child through a miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death.  So often, the loss of such a very young child is often misunderstood – others around who have been blessed to have never experienced a loss like this, simply don’t or can’t understand that the parent’s sadness and grief is every bit as strong as any loss of someone we love…  


I've heard moms say, “in many ways, the grief is hard to bear because I never got to see my child"; I can't help wondering what he/she looked like and what kind of personality they had; I just wish I'd known whether it was a boy or girl; I have nothing to remember them by-no pictures, no memories" the memories I have are so painful; all of these things are difficult and they all hurt deeply..  

For those of us who have traveled this journey, we totally understand that for any mom or dad going through this devastating experience – that the child they have just lost was part of them, part of their lives - loved since the moment their parents knew that they were on their way…  the hopes, dreams, and “future” for that child begin not only at conception, but often before when parents first hoped to be blessed with a child – yes from that magical moment on – we loved our child…  so yes, grieving their death is real and very much OK and very normal.

As with any death though, how each of us copes with the loss will be very different – For some, they may grieve deeply for longer periods of time, while others who seem to have the same experience can somehow “regroup” more quickly, absorb their loss and get on with life, looking forward to what the future may bring…  Be patient with yourself, there is no right or wrong way to grieve – we each need to do it our own way…

And remember, it’s not just the mom and dad who experience this loss – many times siblings were told and are anxiously awaiting this new arrival; grandparents, aunts, uncles and close friends have been included in this new child’s anticipated arrival..  So remember that they too will grieve in their own way and that is also okay..  Furthermore, for grandparents, extended family and friends, it is such a helpless feeling to stand-by and watch someone we love and care about, hurting, not knowing what to do or say or how they can help ease the pain of grieving – but we all know, that no one can take away someone else’s grief…

For many years, a pregnancy loss, or stillbirth or death of an infant early on, were subjects not discussed once they happened.  Just the opposite, it was often treated as thought it never happened…  I know that from experience and to this day it’s a fact that is very obvious in most most support groups for parents, when someone older will recall a child loss form 20-30-40-50 years ago and weep uncontrollably..  The pain of losing a child, any child - of any age – hurts and it hurts deeply, and if we don’t grieve for them when it happens, eventually (if we are lucky) we will…and that is perfectly okay!!

Simply be there for them – listen – a hug can heal more than you know…  Try not to use cliché’s that will break their hearts even more – such as, it’s okay you are young and can try again, you are lucky you have other children, it was meant to be, you’ll feel better next week or month – you’ll forget about this…  All well intentioned but hurt beyond belief and are often remembered for many years to come…

If you want to help, be specific – don’t just tell them to call you if they need anything… Tell them you are going to cook dinner or clean the house or run specific errands – remember, at that moment they are hurting and might not be interested in mundane tasks, no matter how important they might seems to those around them…

Try to remember those special days – especially the due date and the memorial anniversary for their loss – those dates are often very hard and when many moms feel the lonliest, especially when no one else remembers…

Encourage them to get plenty of rest, eat and take care of themselves – walking together can often times help, especially if they feel comfortable talking about what has happened and they can talk about their “baby” and all that they fear they’ve lost…  If their pain doesn’t seem to soften with time and you are worried about them, be sure they know that you are – talk to their spouse and remember that moms often go thru post-partum depression, so encourage them to speak to their doctor or other professional..  

What is Normal Now?

How many times since my children have died, have I thought to myself “normal” what is that? Doesn’t anyone understand that I will never be who I was before my children died, my “normal” will never be the same again…  After the deaths of each of my three children (Robin in 1971, RandeeMarie the following year in 1972 and then Bobby in 2009) I returned to a very different normal – because I was very different and the world around me was different.  Yes they are gone, and although I'm so grateful to have 2 wonderful sons, 2 great step-sons, 5 fabulous daughter-in-laws and been blessed with 9 incredible grandchildren, that doesn't erase the fact that I have 3 children who are not here and at times that in itself seems overwhelmingly painful to accept..  Time softens the pain, but out of the blue there are moments, that even though it's been more than 40 years since RandeeMarie died in 1971 and Robin died in 1972 and within a few months it will be 3 years since my 36 year old son Bobby died - it still takes my breath away...   My “normal” at times seem to change like the winds…  I found this article the other day when I was going through some papers Joyce Floyd had sent me shortly after Bobby died and I was amazed at how accurate it was about “my new & ever changing normal”.  I hope you will take some comfort in it also…  For me, articles such as these always help to remind me that I am okay, that I’m not crazy – that I’m simply a mom, who is missing my children… Cherie Houston

WHAT IS NORMAL NOW?  ~ by Vicki Windham, Platte, NE, BP/USA chapter~ 

• Normal is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Christmas, birthdays, Valentine’s Day, Easter. 
• Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or a birthday party.  Yet, feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers, see the casket, and all the crying people.
• Normal is feeling like you can’t sit through another minute without screaming because you just don’t like to sit through church anymore.  And yet at the same time feeling like you have more faith in God than you ever had before.
• Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the events in your family’s life.
• Normal is not sleeping because a thousand “what ifs” go through your head constantly.
• Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have some ‘noise’ because the silence is deafening.
• Normal is telling the story of your child’s death as if it were an everyday common event and then gasping in horror at how awful it sounds.  And yet realizing it has become part of normal conversation.
• Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child’s memory and birthday, and surviving those days.
• Normal is a new friendship with another bereaved Mother and meeting over coffee and talking and crying together over your children.
• Normal is being too tired to care if you paid your bills, cleaned your house, did the laundry, or shopped for groceries.
• Normal is hiding all the things that have become “normal” for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think you are “normal.”  

No Tears in Heaven

No Tears in Heaven

~ by Ferna Lary Mills

There are many things in life that no one understands,

like why a life so very young can slip right through our hands.

One moment life is perfect and the next it falls apart,

leaving us with nothing but an eternally aching heart.

Our souls cry out in agony amidst the suffering and despair.

We feel the pain and tear our clothes and scream "It’s just not fair!"

Spirits are now shattered. Hearts will never be the same.

We grasp at straws and seek to find the one who is to blame.

Horrific as our life now seems, one thing remains quite true.

Our little ones have now been freed to do things angels do.

They can't recall the suffering of those last days they were here.

They remember not the sorrow, the hurt, nor the fear.

There are no tears in Heaven. No more sorrow. Only Joy.

Heaven is filled with peals of laughter from each little girl and boy.

We can only try to imagine, in spite of all earthly wrongs,

our little angels are learning the words to the Angel's songs.

Amidst the children's laughter and their Heavenly play,

there's also more important work going on there today.

Jesus is building mansions, never taking time to sleep,

for Reunions are being planned, yes, even as we weep.

The children gather around Him and listen to Him speak,

for He has all the answers that they curiously seek.

He tells them for a time, in Heaven, they must wait,

and then they can greet us at Heaven's pearly gate.

Gratitude the Key to Happiness

Yes, Father's Day is over for another year.. As we refocus our thoughts on our own Journey from Mourning to Joy, I thought you might enjoy this dads encouraging view on "getting through this challenge of grieving for our children", a challenge which at times seems overwhelming.  So many families are touched by the loss of their children yet it will never cease to amaze me, that for so many parents, like Richard Edier,, Tim Nelson and Kelly Farley and many other dads and moms, that through their grief they find the strength to reach out and help other moms and dads move forward.  To me it reinforces the fact that our children, although not here physically, will never be gone...  look what they continue to share with all of us through their parents...Cherie Houston

Gratitude: The Key to Happiness ~ by Richard Edler, TCF

"I am convinced that the real key to happiness is gratitude.  I did not come upon this insight, I learned it from Dennis Prager, a wonderful and gifted man who is both author and talk show host for KNBC radio in Los Angeles.  I give him all the credit.  But I have thought a lot about this idea after my son, Mark, died seven years ago.

At first, I was offended by people who smiled or even laughed during the TCF support group meetings.  These were the people who seemed to have somehow re-entered the land of the living.  How dare they greet each other with hugs.  How dare they laugh.  How dare they appear normal when their children have died.  But over the last seven years I have learned three valuable lessons.

Life goes on and we must too.  Gradually the pain eases and the warm memories replace the sadness. A Gradually we return to life.  One day we find that it is 11:00 in the morning and we have not thought about our child yet.  At first we feel guilt.  But then we also realize we are going forward.  We will never forget.  But we decide that the loss of our child will not be the all-consuming factor in our life.  We choose to enjoy friends again.  We choose to go out to dinner again.  We choose to laugh again.  I am convinced that this is what our children would want for us.  The pain does not bring our child back.  It only makes us miserable without end. 

Become grateful for what we have, not focused on what we lost.  I see people in group meetings who have gong through “every parent’s nightmare” and want no part of life again.  But, I ask that these compassionate friends also think about the ways they have been blessed, as well as hurt.  In my experience, most people have more to be thankful for than they realize: health, other children, a loving family, a career they enjoy, financial security, life in a free country, a faith that works for them, a true best friend, a spouse who they love.  Nobody has it all.  But compared to most of the world, we have a lot.

The life we now lead will be better than it would have been.  That does not make our child’s death a good thing.  It just means that our child’s life mattered, and it has changed us forever.  It means that in some small way the world will be better because our child lived, and we are the ones who can make it so.  We have a new sense of priorities.  We don’t “sweat the small stuff.”  We know what matters, we know how deeply other people hurt, because we, too, have been there.  We “know how they feel.”  And when our life is different and better because our child lived, then that child is never forgotten.  Each of us would do anything in the world to go back in time, but we can’t.  It is up to us now to go forward, and we can"

Remembering Grieving Dads on Fathers Day

There's no doubt that the loss of a child has the same rippling effect of that when we throw a pebble into the pond.. but for the spot of impact when the pebble hits, the two people affected most by the loss are the parents - and then the siblings - grandparents and so on.. So today as Father's Day is celebrated, please reach out to all the dads and grandfathers who are grieving and missing their "angel babies"... from all of us we hope that all dads will find peace and joy in the memories of their children who have gone before them.... 

A DAD HURTS TOO

~  by Judi Walker

People don't always see the tears a dad cries,

His heart is broken too when his child dies.

He tries to hold it together and be strong,

Even though his world's gone wrong.

He holds his wife as her tears fall,

Comforts her through it all,

He goes through his day doing what he's supposed to do,

But a piece of his heart has been ripped away too.

So when he's alone he lets out his pain,

And his tears come like falling rain,

His world has crashed in around him,

And a world that was once bright has gone dim.

He feels he has to be strong for others,

But Dads hurt too, not just the Mothers,

He searches for answers but none are to be found,

He hides behind a mask when he is feeling down.

He smiles through his tears,

He struggles and holds in his fears,

But what you see on the outside is not always real,

Men don't always show how they really feel.

So I'd like to ask a favor of you,

The next time you see a mother hurting

over the loss of her child,

please remember.....a Dad hurts too.

A note for grieving dads this Father's Day weekend

A few weeks ago, on June 2nd, I copied a posting from Kelly Farley's Blog for Grieving Dads on our blog.  This morning I'd like to share Kelly’s newest blog posting, which is the Preface in his book Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back which has just been published...  I'm hoping that Kelly's strength will help a grieving dad that you know cope with their new world without their child... and on this Father's Day weekend, they might be able to smile just a little when remembering the joy that child brought them... Cherie Houston

“AUTHOR’S PREFACE” from Kelley farley

It has been a very exciting and difficult 2.5 years trying to develop this book for grieving dads.  There were times I wasn’t sure it was going to happen and there were other times I thought I had taken on more than I could handle.  Times were I asked myself “am I the one to be doing this?”  It was a challenge to hear the stories and see the raw emotions, the pain in others that went to the core of the person, pain I was all to familiar with.  But there were other times where I knew I was the guy to be writing this book because I walked in the shoes of these grieving dads and it was my responsibility to look back and extend a hand to help pull others through the aftermath of losing a child.  Some of you have already purchased my new book and may have already read this, but I also wanted to share it with others that visit this blog.  Thank you to all for the continued support throughout this project.

“Author’s Preface”

If you have ever loved a child, then you understand what it’s like to love someone more than you love life itself. If you have ever lost a child, then you understand more about hell than anyone could possibly be expected to know.

If you have lost a child, you also understand this isn’t something you get over. Only those who have lost a child can understand the depths to which this pain travels.

Like most of the men who will read this book, I too am a grieving dad. I lost two beautiful babies over an eighteen-month period, and those losses have had major and irreversible impacts on my life. To be quite honest, my psychological response to these losses scared the hell out of me. I felt out of control — because I was out of control. I couldn’t change the fact that my children died. I couldn’t stop hurting. I didn’t just cry — I physically wept inside. There were times when there were no tears, and it felt like I was convulsing internally.

All of this scary stuff started to pile up on me, and when I finally decided to check my “manly” inclinations at the door and seek a bit of help, I discovered that I was in for a surprise. Almost all of the resources I could find on the subject of grieving for a child was directed either toward women or “parents.” I put “parents” in quotation marks, because in my experience, most of what I read for grieving parents was written for mothers. If I did come across something aimed at grieving dads, it was usually advice about how to comfort their wives.

I’m sure there’s something worthwhile out there. But in the absence of anything that jumped out and kicked me in the head, I decided to pursue the issue myself. Part of the result can be found right here within these pages.

The message I want bereaved fathers to understand is that I know it’s hard, I know it hurts, I know it’s scary — but you can get through this. You can survive. It will be the hardest thing you will ever experience; it will drain you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You can come out on the other side of this very long and lonely tunnel, but you will be a different person when you do. There is no going back to the old you.

I also want all grieving dads to know that they are not alone in their grief. I want them to understand that other men have been through this and that the emotions they keep inside are the same emotions they’ll hear about from the many men whose stories appear in this book.

Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back aims to bring awareness to the impacts that child loss has upon fathers. It is also meant to let society know it’s okay for a father to grieve the loss of a child. Society expects men to react differently than women. As a result, men oftentimes grieve in silence, usually when they are alone. A father shouldn’t have to hide his pain or feel ashamed to show his emotions when dealing with the loss of a child.

I am also hopeful that this book will bring insight to the women in these men’s lives about how their husbands, brothers, fathers, or male friends may be feeling.

You will hear from the men in this book that life has been forever changed after the death of a child. It is virtually impossible to continue through life as if nothing happened; you can’t run from it, and you can’t hide from it. Society expects men to “take it like a man,” but it’s not realistic or fair to ask a father to behave that way. The best thing any father can do for himself and for others around him is to reach out for help, and to know it is not a sign of “weakness” to do so. Instead, it’s a sign of courage and strength — the kind that’s required to face this battle head on.

During the deepest, darkest days of my grief, I made a promise to my daughter, Katie, my son, Noah, and myself that once I was strong enough, I would reach out to other dads that are traveling this lonely road known as unspeakable loss. I would do this to help these other dads come to terms with their loss, to help them find their way, to help them cope, and somehow, to help them survive this profound life event. I didn’t know how I would do all of this, but I would find a way.

This book is a result of that promise.

For more information about Kelly’s book and his wonderful blog for dads (and moms)… at this link which is also on our list of favorite websites..:

http://www.grievingdads.com/ 

Facing Father's Day with a pit in your stomach

~ By Tim Nelson, Author of A guide for Fathers When A Baby Dies - Tim and his wife, Monica, suffered the full-term stillbirth of their second child, Kathleen. While that was a number of years ago, Tim has stayed connected to the issue through his writing and speaking on the topic of father's grief following the death of an infant. Tim, like many men, had trouble talking about his feelings after his daughter's death. Tim hopes that his blog might be a place for dads to share their thoughts about what they are experiencing and find support from other dads - Visit Tim's Blog: www.fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com

"I think one of the most difficult things for me is talking to couples who have lost a child in the last year and hear them speak of the dread they feel as Mother's Day and Father's Day approach. I have written about this before and encouraged moms and dads to try and find a way to get through the day as best they can while allowing themselves to celebrate the fact that they are parents of a child they loved very much. I have to admit those words can sound pretty hollow, and I can't help but think to myself, "who am I kidding? -- it sucks and there is no way of avoiding it."

It also may not really help to know that for most of us, it does get easier as time goes by and we heal to the point of being able to feel more of the joy than the pain of our child's short life. It's good to have hope, but you still have to make it through those first holidays where it seems like everyone else is celebrating while you want to crawl under a rock and hope it can just go away.

I hope those of you who read this blog that have a little more time under your belt since your loss, can share things that you found helpful as you faced these difficult times. Some of you may have shared before, but know that there are always new people coming on board who could benefit from your experience and your hard earned wisdom.

There are just a couple of things I want to say again (hollow or not) because I honestly believe they are important to remember:

1) Yes..... you are a parent. For those whose loss was your first child, sometimes it's easy to fall into the trap of not thinking you have the "right" to celebrate these special days. Adding to the misconception is the fact that family and friends wrongly believe that they should not say anything or acknowledge the day for fear it might remind you that your baby died... (if only it were that easy to make the pain go away.)

2) Be creative. If you don't feel you can celebrate the day with the traditional brunch or family gathering, try and think of ways that you can make this day special for you and your baby. If that means going to the cemetary or visiting a place you recall being happy during your pregnancy, allow yourselves the opportunity to do that. Write a note to your child, release a balloon, visit a hospital or nursing home, go for a walk, cry, laugh, plant a bush (or flower or tree), smile..... most importantly, be around people who will let you do what you need to do... no matter who or how many that is.

3) Be hopeful. Ask yourselves what your baby would want this day to be like for you?

I could rattle on for a long time trying to be profound, but I'll spare you that. I would much rather have others of you who probably did a lot better job than myself in dealing with the sadness write your thoughts. It's when you share things that can help others (even if it's letting them know they are not the only ones hurting) that you give your child a voice and let them touch the world and make it better.

Good luck. You are not alone"

Fathers Day, A Grandfather's View

~ Bill Fausett, BP Central Arkansas Chapter

Now well into my fifties and knowing Father’s Day is approaching once again, I find myself recalling my very first. It was a beautiful Sunday morning, June 16, when I became a father for the first time, a Father’s Day I will never forget. Already prepared with the traditional cigars, I had to be a turkey, strutting his stuff . Many of the Father’s Days after that were spent away from home working and never stopping to think just how special this day really is.

After my retirement, a few years back, I became a grandfather and my whole life changed. I never dreamed I would be changing diapers, giving bottles, in the middle of the floor playing dolls, or outside watching bugs, birds, butterflies, bees, squirrels, rabbits, and loving every minute of it, with the most beautiful granddaughter anyone has ever seen (my opinion, of course).

That was a special year for me. I found myself asking the wife, “Did our kids do that?” many times, and she telling me, “yes”, but you were working or just didn’t notice. My granddaughter taught me more about the beauty of life and how much I had missed in the short time she was here that I could have ever imagined!

We lost her at 13 months, 2 days, and 22 hours due to a very rare genetic disorder and again my life changed. This Father’s Day will be spent with my family and a new grandson, now two and half years old, and a great little guy. I see much of the same inquisitive nature in him. Making sure each visit he has is a good time, I think I do it out of obligation and not with the joy that I once had, but when you see that smile on his face, you know you made his day a little better and that makes it all worthwhile.

Memories are a part of our past and some become a part of our heart. At the end of Father’s Day, when everyone has gone to bed, I will sit at my desk, drink one more cup of coffee, say a prayer and, once again, tell my granddaughter just how much I love and miss her and somehow I know she knows and in my mind will hear her say, “Pa Paw, I love you too. Take time to smell the roses.”

Men Do Cry - preparing for Fathers Day next week

Fathers Day is next Sunday, June 17th and for dads who are grieving, this holiday can be an especially difficult challenge...  For so many of us who grieve for our children, certain days - like Fathers Day, birthdays and memorial anniversaries can be Grief Triggers, and for dads who often work hard to hide their emotions, the pain can be almost unbearable.

Since the deaths of my own three children, it always saddens me to watch grieving dads struggle with their unwritten sense of pride and responsibility, watching as they try to hide or cover their pain, often feeling guilty for showing their emotions - afraid of appearing weak...  To me, tears and emotions are simply releases that allow us to survive this journey and I've always believed that all the tears we shed for our children are simply representative of our tremendous love for them and therefore OK...  I've received so many poems from parents and grandparents, for use on our blog for various events, but of all that I've received, this one seems the most appropriate as dads prepare themselves this week for the "Grief Trigger" that Fathers Day brings...

MEN DO CRY

~ by Ken Falk

I heard quite often "men don’t cry"

though no one ever told me why.

So when I fell and skinned a knee,

no one came by to comfort me.

And when some bully-boy at school

would pull a prank so mean and cruel,

I’d quickly learn to turn and quip,

"It doesn’t hurt," and bite my lip.

So as I grew to reasoned years,

I learned to stifle any tears.

Though "Be a big boy" it began,

quite soon I learned to "Be a man."

And I could play that stoic role

while storm and tempest wracked my soul.

No pain or setback could there be

could wrest one single tear from me.

Then one long night I stood nearby

and helplessly watched my son die.

And quickly found, to my surprise,

that all that tearless talk was lies.

And still I cry, and have no shame.

I cannot play that "big boy" game.

And openly, without remorse,

I let my sorrow takes its course.

So those of you who can’t abide

a man you’ve seen who’s often cried,

reach out to him with all your heart

as one whose life’s been torn apart.

For men DO cry when they can see

their loss of immortality.

And tears will come in endless streams

when mindless fate destroys their dreams.

Ken has been a member of the Northwest Connecticut Chapter of The Compassionate Friends

Coping with Sudden Death.. Part 3 of 3

~ By Therese Rando, Ph.D. ~ Continued from Part 2 on Wednesday, June 6, 2012

If you have lost a loved one from sudden death, you know that you had no chance to say good-bye and no opportunity to finish unfinished business with your loved one. Most probably these are major issues for you. The lack of time to bring this important relationship to a positive close causes much anguish to those of us whose loved ones die without warning. We wish that we could have known in order to say and do what we wanted to; we wish we could have just one more brief moment with our loved one to tell him we loved him, apologize for ways we might have hurt him, explain why we treated him the way we did, or let him know what he meant to us.

You may feel a profound loss of security and confidence in the world. After all, you have been taught a dramatic lesson: Loved ones can be snatched away without warning. You may always await another loss to befall. Research has shown that widows whose husbands died suddenly are slower to move toward remarriage, since they are unwilling to risk future unanticipated loss again for themselves and their children. Avoidance and anxiety eventually can lead to states of anxious withdrawal since the world has become such a frightening, unpredictable place.

In some ways. the consequences of losing a loved one to sudden death can last a lifetime. While for some mourners this can be evidenced in chronic grief or persistent anxiety in which security and confidence never totally return, for others the consequences ate less dramatic, though no less powerful. The best example I can give of this is a personal one. All of the deaths in my husband’s life have been anticipated deaths. When I am a little late returning from work my husband automatically assumes that I have been held up on the telephone or have run overtime with my patients. Unless I am dramatically late, he is not unduly disturbed and assumes I will be home soon.

In contrast, I have a much different response when he is later than expected. This is because all of the important deaths in my life have been sudden, unexpected ones. As a consequence when he is later than usual I automatically assume that something terrible has happened. I experience a considerable amount of apprehension. What makes me different from someone who has not worked so hard on these issues is that I will not immediately jump to call the hospitals or the police. I will remind myself that statistically the chances are that he all right and that there are reasons for his delay. Nevertheless, I am concerned.

Does this mean that I love my husband more than he loves me because I am more concerned when he is late? I think not. What it reveals is the scars of sudden death. I have been taught all too well that the people I love can be snatched from me without warning, and that death doesn’t always happen to someone else.

This awareness that you can lose someone without warning does not have to be negative. It can prompt you to deal with your loved ones on a timely basis. It can help you not to put off until tomorrow those things you should say and do today. It may assist you in making sure you don’t have too much unfinished business with the people you lose.

If your loved one died from a sudden death, you know that tomorrow is promised to no one. This awareness also can help you keep in mind what is important in life, so you don’t get lost in trivial matters and lose sight of those things that are most important to you. It is an ironic but positive consequence of sudden death that it can make you appreciate life more than you ever would have if you had not undergone such a traumatic experience. This does not mean that you would seek out such a loss in order to teach yourself such a lesson, but it does let you know that you can pull something meaningful out of such a tragedy.

Taken from Therese A. Rando, How To Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. New York: Bantam Books, 1991, pp. 90-93

Coping with Sudden Death.. Part 2 of 3

~ By Therese Rando, Ph.D. ~ Continued from Part 1 on Monday, June 4, 2012

After a sudden death, the loss doesn’t make sense. The critically important understanding of what happened is missing. The sudden shock of losing someone we love without warning so stuns us that we cannot comprehend what has transpired. Consequently, if your loved one died suddenly, you may be unable to grasp the situation and find it difficult to understand the implications of the loss. Accepting that the death occurred can be difficult, even if you intellectually recognize that it happened. The death may continue to seem inexplicable for a long period of time. You repeatedly will have to go over the story of the accident or of the heart attack to try to make sense of the loss after the fact.

Because you were not prepared for the death and it had no understandable context, you will try to deal with your lack of anticipation by putting the loss into a series of events. You may find yourself looking back at the time leading up to the death and searching for clues that could have indicated what was to come. For example, one woman looked back on the days preceding her husband’s sudden fatal heart attack and “perceived” warnings she had missed initially. This tendency to reconstruct events in your mind in order to allow for some anticipation of the death is quite common. It is an attempt to restructure what happened so that it seems you had some inkling that the death was going to occur: “He really didn’t look that good in the last few weeks as I look back on at now’ or “You know, he was visiting his sisters whom he had not seen in a long time. Maybe he knew that something would happen.”

This retrospective construction of events makes the situation more manageable. It gives a perception of logical progression, of control and predictability, and retrospectively provides you with some anticipation and preparation.

However, problems arise when you hold yourself responsible for not perceiving cues that were actually either imperceptible or nonexistent prior to the death. Frequently grievers react emotionally and respond to what they perceive as unmet responsibility. One woman felt inordinate guilt for many years for not recognizing that her mother had been having some difficulty climbing the stairs. After her mother died suddenly from a burst aneurysm, the daughter felt that she should have recognized the mother’s impairment and known that it meant that something was wrong with her. However, unless this woman had been a physician and had run tests on her mother, there really was no way she could have known.

For survivors whose loved ones die suddenly, grief symptoms tend to persist longer. The physical and emotional shock that is a normal part of acute grief appears to be more intense and long-lasting. This may further demoralize you as you are trying to understand what happened to you and to cope with a drastically altered world, in addition to dealing with your feelings of loss and grief. You have the same grief tasks as all mourners, but you must cope with extra stresses that leave you relatively more depleted and disadvantaged.

To be continued on Friday, June 8^th, 2012

Taken from Therese A. Rando, How To Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. New York: Bantam Books, 1991, pp. 90-93

Coping with Sudden Death.. Part 1 of 3

~ By Therese Rando, Ph.D.

In both sudden death and anticipated death, there is pain. However, while the grief is not greater in sudden death, the capacity to cope is diminished. Grievers are shocked and stunned by the sudden loss of their loved one. The loss is so disruptive that recovery almost always is complicated. This because the adaptive capacities are so severely assaulted and the ability to cope is so critically injured that functioning is seriously impaired. Grievers are overwhelmed.

If you are such a griever, you probably are suffering extreme feelings of bewilderment, anxiety, self-reproach, and depression, and you may be unable to continue normal life. You had no preparation and no time to gradually absorb the reality that the world was about to change dramatically.

Instead, there was a sudden destruction of the world you used to know. There was no gradual transition, nor time to make changes in yourself, your expectations about your life, or your world. In sudden death you are called upon to face a massive gap between the way the world should be, with your loved one alive, and the way the world is. The person whom you loved, and who provided you with security, is taken away without any warning. This is a major violation of your expectations.

Your sense of the world and of control is assaulted. This is not to say that these issues are not confronted by those whose loved one’s death was anticipated. The difference is that they have had a valuable period of anticipation that placed the death in the context of events that were predictable and made sense. Although they experienced pain when their loved one died, they could see what caused the death. Ideally, they had been preparing for the death and dealing with their feelings about it. They were able to finish unfinished business with their loved one, to say “I love you,” and to do the things they wanted to do for the person before he died. While there certainly are many problems and emotional demands associated with losing a loved one in an anticipated death, at least when the death comes, the grievers’ coping capacities have been directed toward dealing with that expectable end. The loss makes sense.

To be continued on Wednesday, June 6^th, 2012

Taken from Therese A. Rando, How To Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies. New York: Bantam Books, 1991, pp. 90-93

Fathers Day can be difficult for grieving dads & grand dads

~ by Cherie Houston

I received an update a few days ago from "Kelly Farley" about his new book coming out this month "Grieving Dads:  To the Brink and Back"  ..  Kelly is a wonderful dad, a dad who has lost both of his children (Noah in 2006 and Katie in 2004) and since that time has committed himself to helping other dads on their grief journey...  As I read Kelly's update and then the post on his blog, I was reminded that with the arrival of June, comes the impending Fathers Day Holiday.  Fathers Day, for many dads like Kelly, can be a major grief trigger and just as overwhelming as Mothers Day is for all of us moms who have had a child or children die...

No matter what, each and every parent must know and remember that once we are moms and dads, we are always moms & dads...even when our children are in heaven!!

As moms, we certainly know all about the feelings that come with our child’s death – but it shouldn’t be any surprise then that dads are feeling those same feelings but many dads truly feel responsible for not having kept their child safe and they assume so much more responsibility and blame. Our society has put an undue burden on dads, making them feel as though they are responsible for protecting their family – for protecting them and keeping them safe.  Unfortunately, that isn’t always possible.

So many times, dads get so angry with themselves after the death of their child or children and that anger often turns inward creating crippling burdens of depression. To make matters worse so many dads have to “rush” right back to work – after all the bills don’t stop coming in, the mortgage and utilities still need to be paid …  often for many dads they dive back into their work “head first” because it is something they feel they can control, whereas they weren’t able to control and avoid the death of their child… So many of us are so blinded by our own grief, that it can be easy to miss the grief that our children’s fathers and siblings are also experiencing…It’s not intentional, but it’s important that we remind them that blaming or punishing themselves only adds more pain for everyone and it will not replace our beloved children.. We can’t protect our children from everything – life doesn’t happen that way..

So as Father’s Day approaches, remember that the “dads and grand dads” who are grieving the loss of a child, are impacted just as much by these specials days, every bit as much as we, the moms, are – although most men don’t show it.. Share the day with them, remind them what a wonderful dad they were – even if it was for the short time during a pregnancy, or for those few days weeks or months of a baby’s life or for those who were blessed to have helped raise the child to adulthood…  Reassure them that they are not to blame – that you still love them more than ever, and that our children are safe in the hands of God until we see them again…


Personally I've already pre-ordered several of Kelly's books for friends and family who, like us,  have experienced the death of a child or children.. if you would like more information about Kelly, his blog or his book.. I would encourage your to visit his website, which is always listed on our list of websites, and here:


http://www.grievingdads.com/home-page/