Coping with Pregnancy Loss,Stillbirth or Neonatal Infant Loss

~ by Cherie Houston

The death of a child takes the wind out of our sails – and despite what some might think, that same sense of horrible loss can be just as challenging for moms and dads who suffer the loss of a child through a miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death.  So often, the loss of such a very young child is often misunderstood – others around who have been blessed to have never experienced a loss like this, simply don’t or can’t understand that the parent’s sadness and grief is every bit as strong as any loss of someone we love…  


I've heard moms say, “in many ways, the grief is hard to bear because I never got to see my child"; I can't help wondering what he/she looked like and what kind of personality they had; I just wish I'd known whether it was a boy or girl; I have nothing to remember them by-no pictures, no memories" the memories I have are so painful; all of these things are difficult and they all hurt deeply..  

For those of us who have traveled this journey, we totally understand that for any mom or dad going through this devastating experience – that the child they have just lost was part of them, part of their lives - loved since the moment their parents knew that they were on their way…  the hopes, dreams, and “future” for that child begin not only at conception, but often before when parents first hoped to be blessed with a child – yes from that magical moment on – we loved our child…  so yes, grieving their death is real and very much OK and very normal.

As with any death though, how each of us copes with the loss will be very different – For some, they may grieve deeply for longer periods of time, while others who seem to have the same experience can somehow “regroup” more quickly, absorb their loss and get on with life, looking forward to what the future may bring…  Be patient with yourself, there is no right or wrong way to grieve – we each need to do it our own way…

And remember, it’s not just the mom and dad who experience this loss – many times siblings were told and are anxiously awaiting this new arrival; grandparents, aunts, uncles and close friends have been included in this new child’s anticipated arrival..  So remember that they too will grieve in their own way and that is also okay..  Furthermore, for grandparents, extended family and friends, it is such a helpless feeling to stand-by and watch someone we love and care about, hurting, not knowing what to do or say or how they can help ease the pain of grieving – but we all know, that no one can take away someone else’s grief…

For many years, a pregnancy loss, or stillbirth or death of an infant early on, were subjects not discussed once they happened.  Just the opposite, it was often treated as thought it never happened…  I know that from experience and to this day it’s a fact that is very obvious in most most support groups for parents, when someone older will recall a child loss form 20-30-40-50 years ago and weep uncontrollably..  The pain of losing a child, any child - of any age – hurts and it hurts deeply, and if we don’t grieve for them when it happens, eventually (if we are lucky) we will…and that is perfectly okay!!

Simply be there for them – listen – a hug can heal more than you know…  Try not to use cliché’s that will break their hearts even more – such as, it’s okay you are young and can try again, you are lucky you have other children, it was meant to be, you’ll feel better next week or month – you’ll forget about this…  All well intentioned but hurt beyond belief and are often remembered for many years to come…

If you want to help, be specific – don’t just tell them to call you if they need anything… Tell them you are going to cook dinner or clean the house or run specific errands – remember, at that moment they are hurting and might not be interested in mundane tasks, no matter how important they might seems to those around them…

Try to remember those special days – especially the due date and the memorial anniversary for their loss – those dates are often very hard and when many moms feel the lonliest, especially when no one else remembers…

Encourage them to get plenty of rest, eat and take care of themselves – walking together can often times help, especially if they feel comfortable talking about what has happened and they can talk about their “baby” and all that they fear they’ve lost…  If their pain doesn’t seem to soften with time and you are worried about them, be sure they know that you are – talk to their spouse and remember that moms often go thru post-partum depression, so encourage them to speak to their doctor or other professional..