As parents do we ever really say Good Bye??

~ by Cherie Houston

I recently read that two of the hardest things to say in life are “Hello” for the first time and “Goodbye” for the last time…I’d never thought about it until I read this, but how true..  But as parents can we ever really say goodbye to our children – even when they die…  I believe Gandhi is right when he says:  There are no good-byes, where ever you'll be, you'll be in my heart. ~ Gandhi

My daughter Robin Marie died forty years ago today.  We were living in Dallas, Texas – Robin was 7 months and 2 days old – Robin was born Dec. 29^th, 1971 – just 9 months after her twin siblings..  She was already pulling herself up in her crib & playpen and was holding on and could walk around the couch – all the time smiling with the proudest sense of accomplishment.  We’d been to the pediatrician the day before she died. "She’s doing wonderfully & thriving" we were told – she received the usual vaccines – and it was an uneventful afternoon and evening and she went down that night as usual.  A Close neighbor friend of ours was there that evening, she had just had a little girl and couldn’t find a christening gown she liked, so I had I pulled Robin’s christening gown from my hope chest for her to borrow…

A little before 7am the next morning I awoke to the most horrible screams of anguish – it was my husband – he’d awoken and gone in to give Robin her bottle in her crib with a beautiful eyelet canopy, in the red white & blue nursery that she shared with her older brother Ricky.  Ricky was 9 months older than Robin and with the noise of his daddy he also began to cry… I’m not sure what made me call 911 before I even got out of bed, but I did.  I don’t remember what my husband may have said that made me do that, but I did.  By the time I got to the nursery, which was just steps away from our room, her daddy was sitting on the floor rocking her, begging God not to let this happen again, not to take our second child..  You see 16 months prior, when Rickey was born, his twin sister Randee Marie had died the day after she was born, they were 12 weeks premature and she just wasn’t strong enough..  We were blessed that Ricky did survive (and I might add that today Ric continues to thrive and has 2 beautiful children of his own – a 12 year old son and 8 year old daughter, whom is named after his twin sister and ironically was born on the same day Randee had died, March 17^th, 31 years later…

That morning, 40 years ago, the moment I took Robin from her daddy*, I knew she was already with her sister Randee in heaven. I’ve never been one to lock our doors, so the Police, Fire Dept and EMT’s had no problem getting into our home and in moments our beautiful nursery on the 2^nd floor was filled with first responders, tears, questions and I remember praying that God would just take us all…. After that everything gets hazy.. I don’t remember who or how Rickey was taken from his crib, or how we got downstairs, but I vividly remember being downstairs in our living room when the EMT’s took Robin from our home. My poor husband*, her dad, was totally numb and overcome with grief…  As the EMT’s came downstairs carrying Robin, I remember 3 things – watching one of the first responders on our back patio crying inconsolably and being comforted by another officer and my yelling at him to stop crying (I learned later that it was his first day back to work after losing his own 4 month old son to SIDS);  I also remember looking at her beautiful christening gown laying on the dining room table and wondering why it was last night that I'd taken it out - the Christening wasn't for another few weeks; and I remember them asking me if we wanted to say good-bye, I remember telling them I would never say good-bye and then I remember crying and thinking the tears would never stop...

But the tears did stop, I'm not sure how but there were calls to make, arrangements to be made.  We were in Dallas, Texas and all our family was in New England - I knew we needed to take Robin back to Massachusetts to be her little sister; I knew we needed our families around us.  I also remember apologizing to our neighbor Beth that I couldn’t loan her the christening gown because I wanted Robin to wear that… and then the tears began again....

Within hours we were flying back to Boston and stayed in New England for several weeks – we were blessed that our close friends in Texas took care of the nursery including removing all of her things and buying Ricky a big boy bedroom set and redoing the room with stars and planets.  I remember the tears coming again when Robin was buried on August 6^th with her little sister – but still I couldn’t say good-bye..  The tears continued on and off for many months. I can remember sometimes feeling as though I couldn’t possibly have any tears left; there were days when I would scream – at anyone or anything – just scream as though I were insane; and I vividly remember picking up a jar of baby of food in the grocery store & breaking down when I realized I no longer needed to buy it, and leaving everything where it stood as I ran to the privacy of my car, again the tears wouldn't stop...  

I was blessed to have several reasons to continue on – first I had to take care of my 16 month old son Ricky, who was too young to understand what had happened but missed his playmate terribly and would look for her everywhere so we talked about her all the time he and I; then Dr. Sturner who was the Dallas Medical Examiner and became my mentor as I quickly immersed myself in establishing the first SIDS chapter in Dallas – which for me saved my sanity for sure-meeting other families help me to cope with all the mixed feelings of guilt, anger and whatever else there may have been going on in my mind at the time…and last by not least, was the fact that I became pregnant again, with my son Bobby – who was born the following August 27^th, 1973… 

Looking back now I remember how hard it was to say “hello” to Bobby for the first time and how the tears came without warning - mixed tears of joy and sorrow; and when Bobby died 36 years later on Sept. 19^th, 2009 the tears came again, but I also made a conscious decision again not to say good-bye.  I know that they are not nor will they ever be physically with us again, but I just don't feel it is necessary to say goodbye to any of them - to his sisters Randee Marie in Mach 1971 or Robin Marie in July 1972, and I'll not say good-bye to Bobby either… 

I am blessed to have 3 guardian angels (4 actually because my grandmother Mae is with them I believe) and I talk to the 4 of them continually.  I believe they are responsible for my always getting the best parking space no matter where we go and how crowded it may be, they are the dragonflies who visit us often and in states where dragonflies normally don’t frequent; and I’ve been blessed not to dream of any of them, which is probably best so I’m never tempted to say good-bye..…. 

I do talk to them often but I also believe it is so important for every parent who loses a child to have people to talk to  - people who will let you talk and who don't judge what you say....  I’m convinced that this rarely can be a family member because family is also hurting, family and most friends are simply too close to the situation.  We each need someone who will let us say anything that needs saying, whether it hurts or not.  After my girls it was Dr. Sturner in Dallas and the countless parents I worked with thru our SIDS chapter; since Bobby’s death it has been the wonderful moms of our Journey from Mourning to Joy group where we live in Lake Havasu City, AZ – their founder Joyce Floyd called me within weeks of Bobby’s death and Joyce and her “team” (all moms who have been on this same journey) have been my rocks and inspiration ever since that first call weeks after Bobby's death and then of course each of the moms who share in this and so many other blogs….  If you aren’t one for support groups, then find a minister, health care professional, counselor or even a even a grief hotline, which are manned by people who are trained to listen – many of whom have been where you are…

As much as we love our family, friends, spouses, siblings etc. it’s important to understand how very personal and unique grief is to each of us – there is not right or wrong way – we each have to find our own way through it…  So for me, it's not good-bye - it is "until we meet again"!  and yes the tears still fall on days like this....

*Note-I wish someone like Kelly Farley and the Grieving Dads Project had been around for my ex-husband (the father of my 3 children who have died) 40 years ago.. So many dads, like him, are never able to cope with these loses and by not facing or dealing with the grief, so many aspects of their lives suffer for years o come.....

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understandings with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints in our heart, and we are never ever the same”  ~ Chicken Soup for the Soul 

Grief reactions when we lose our beloved children...

Losing a child.... no one has to tell any of us who have had this experience, that without question, it is by far the most devastating thing that can happen to anyone in their life…   There are so many days in the first weeks, months and years when we truly feel as though we are losing it and unable to cope with even the smallest things – it’s important for you to remember, that no matter what you are feeling – your feelings are normal…

Time does not erase your pain or the severity of your loss – but what time will do, is soften the pain and heartache.  Until then, remember that what you are going through and feeling are all normal and the price we pay for loving our children as much as we did and will continue to love then as long as we live…  so be patient with yourself and those around you as you continue on this journey, one step at a time…

Grief reactions following the death of a child are similar to those following other losses, but are often more intense and last longer. Parents commonly experience the following grief reactions:

·         Intense shock, confusion, disbelief, and denial—even if the child's death was expected

·         Overwhelming sadness and despair, such that facing daily tasks or even getting out of bed can seem impossible

·         Extreme guilt—some parents will feel they have failed in their role as their child's protector and will dwell on what they could have done differently

·         Intense anger and feelings of bitterness and unfairness at a life left unfulfilled

·         Fear or dread of being alone and overprotecting their surviving children

·         Feelings of resentment toward parents with healthy children

·         Feeling that life has no meaning and wishing to be released from the pain or to join the deceased child

·         Questioning or loss of faith or spiritual beliefs—assumptions about the world and how things should be do not fit with the reality of a child's death

·         Dreaming about the child or feeling the child's presence nearby

·         Feeling intense loneliness and isolation, even when with other people—parents often feel that the magnitude of their loss separates them from others and that no one can truly understand how they feel

·         Some people expect that grief should be resolved over a specific time, such as a year, but this simply is not true. The initial severe reactions are not experienced continuously with such intensity; rather periods of intense grief come and go over a period of 18 months or more. Many parents find that the pain the second year is often more intense than the first because reality truly begins to set-in that they are never coming back... Over time, waves of grief gradually become less intense and less frequent, but feelings of sadness and loss will likely always remain.

·         Developmental milestones in the lives of other children can trigger emotions of grief even years after a child's death. Significant days such as graduations, weddings, or the first day of a new school year are common “grief triggers”.

·         Most parents, no matter how long it's been since their child died, find themselves thinking about how old their child would be or what he or she would look like or be doing if he or she were still alive.

Remember you are not alone on this painful and sometimes frightening journey – together we can and will support each other, so don’t try to do it alone…  

Insights on Grieving By Zig Ziglar

Zig Ziglar is an author and considered by many to be the most incredible motivational speaker ever - his life experiences are a continual inspiration to so many - this short list are from his book, Confessions of a Grieving Christian - We hope you will find some, if not all, helpful on your journey...

Acknowledge the grief and allow the process to occur.

 Don’t impose limitations.  Grief is intensely personal.  Don’t try to control how you or others grieve.

 Don’t expect grief to be logical.  Allow for contradictions…..the laughter, the moments that sadness is forgotten, sometimes, the sense of relief when death finally comes.

Recognize miracle moments and other evidence of God’s comfort:  A burst of joy in an otherwise sad season, a song or some other reminder of the loved one in a way that eclipses the sadness.

PRAY..… TALK TO GOD about the needs of your family and ask Him to help you not feel alone in your grief. 

Don’t make any effort to hold back the tears.  It is not a question of being brave.

Do not forget the person who has died or deny the intricate ways the person was a part of your life.

Allow the grieving person to just TALK.  Don’t be afraid to give HUGS in silence.

It is never too late to write condolences.  Often, a letter received months later comes at the most appropriate time.

Do not say God “took” the deceased because “HE needed him or her in Heaven.” God does not need us; we need HIM.

Do not ask for details on the actual death; those facts are extremely painful.                                          

                                          

When a Child Dies - The parent-child bond lives on

~ by Cherie Houston

I think most parents will agree that the parent-child bond is one of the most meaningful and strongest relationships that we have or will ever experience.  For those of us who have had the painful experience of losing a child, most of us will tell you that despite their death, that strong incredible parent-child bond lives on forever…

Personally I know that with the deaths of each of my three children, I truly felt as though a part of me also died with each of them; but conversely I can tell you that the bond I felt to each of them continues on today and I know that it always will.  For my 2 little girls it’s been quite some time since they died: RandeeMarie died in 1971; Robin Marie 16 months later later in 1972 and sadly, my third child, our 36 year old son Bobby, took his own life quite recently September 19^th, 2009 leaving 2 beautiful little boys and a wonderful wife..  Time does soften the pain, but I can’t imagine any other pain that comes close to that which we experience after the deaths of our children, there simply is none.  And I can tell you I’ve experienced some large “what others might consider life shattering losses” 2 divorces, our home in a fire, deaths of close friends and family members, including my grandmother whom I could never imagine my life without… Yet as horrible as those events seemed at the time, none can begin to compare with the deaths of my children…

It’s simple – as parents, we are simply not meant to outlive our children and when we do, the pain we feel is unimaginable…

And I can tell you from experience that the length of a child’s life doesn’t impact the size of the loss..

·         From the moment we conceive and introduce those around us to this new life that we are expecting as we announce our pregnancy, or if we are blessed to spend many years enjoying relationships with our children into their adulthood – it makes no difference – the death of a child is horrible and often the most unbearable experience of our life… 

·         When the children are young - babies, toddlers or very young, our children’s deaths can change every aspect of our day-to-day life and the emptiness we feel seems insurmountable because so much of what we do each and every day revolves around them and their every need...  

·         When are children are older, teens and young adults - maybe they were getting ready to go into junior high, high school or off to college or their first job – their deaths seems so terribly unfair – we’ve worked so hard to raise them and to have them die just as they are ready to embark on the best and most exciting years of their lives – Why? How can it be that they are now gone and will never be able to reach the potential we imagined for them or that they've worked to hard for...

·         For those of us who have lost adult children – as parents we often experience not only the unbearable loss of our own child but for many of us we have to stand by and watch the heartache and pain that our children’s children and spouse have to deal with; for many of us we often lose not only our child but someone who has become a close and trusted friend with whom we’ve shared an irreplaceable emotional support… 

·         Yes, every child is unique, and for those blessed to have other children – whether it’s one or a dozen, the child we have lost cannot be replaced, and having other children in no way diminishes the painful loss of our child

·         But, for those parents who lose their only child – the loss is different again – some feel they’ve lost their identity - they don't feel as though they are parents anymore, for some they've lost the hope of becoming a grandparent - for many they feel as though their entire future is in jeopardy…

Yes when our children die, a part of our future dies with them, but I believe with all that I am that the parent-child bond lives on forever…

As the pain begins to soften, and it will – hopefully we will each find a way to bring our children along with us into the future..  For some it might be as simple as speaking their name from time to time at family and social gatherings – those who love and care about you will understand (and if not, it’s their problem not yours); for others it will be doing things in their children’s memory – maybe helping others who are ill or grieving; or helping at a school or after-school program; there are no right or wrong ways – but it’s up to us to continue to live the fullest life we can while we are here – that is how we honor their memory… 

As the pain softens, you will find yourself smiling thru the tears as you celebrate their time with you, no matter how long that may have been – because no matter how long, we all agree that it is never long enough…

 

A Mother's Love

I hope you will enjoy this poem by one of my favorite poets, Helen Steiner Rice.  I also want to take a moment to wish you and yours a safe, healthy and peace filled 4th of July Holiday...  


Although I usually try to add a new post every few days, during July and August, I will only be posting once a week.  This will allow me to be a little selfish so I can spend a little more time enjoying our 9 incredible grandchildren while we are here in the Boston area for the summer..  As always you will be in my thoughts and prayers as you and I together continue on our journey from mourning to joy...  Cherie Houston

A MOTHER’S LOVE
~by Helen Steiner Rice~

A Mother’s love is something
that no on can explain,
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain,

It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away . . .

It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking . . .

It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems . . .

It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation . . .

A many splendoured miracle

man cannot understand

And another wondrous evidence

of God’s tender guiding hand.