When a Child Dies - The parent-child bond lives on

~ by Cherie Houston

I think most parents will agree that the parent-child bond is one of the most meaningful and strongest relationships that we have or will ever experience.  For those of us who have had the painful experience of losing a child, most of us will tell you that despite their death, that strong incredible parent-child bond lives on forever…

Personally I know that with the deaths of each of my three children, I truly felt as though a part of me also died with each of them; but conversely I can tell you that the bond I felt to each of them continues on today and I know that it always will.  For my 2 little girls it’s been quite some time since they died: RandeeMarie died in 1971; Robin Marie 16 months later later in 1972 and sadly, my third child, our 36 year old son Bobby, took his own life quite recently September 19^th, 2009 leaving 2 beautiful little boys and a wonderful wife..  Time does soften the pain, but I can’t imagine any other pain that comes close to that which we experience after the deaths of our children, there simply is none.  And I can tell you I’ve experienced some large “what others might consider life shattering losses” 2 divorces, our home in a fire, deaths of close friends and family members, including my grandmother whom I could never imagine my life without… Yet as horrible as those events seemed at the time, none can begin to compare with the deaths of my children…

It’s simple – as parents, we are simply not meant to outlive our children and when we do, the pain we feel is unimaginable…

And I can tell you from experience that the length of a child’s life doesn’t impact the size of the loss..

·         From the moment we conceive and introduce those around us to this new life that we are expecting as we announce our pregnancy, or if we are blessed to spend many years enjoying relationships with our children into their adulthood – it makes no difference – the death of a child is horrible and often the most unbearable experience of our life… 

·         When the children are young - babies, toddlers or very young, our children’s deaths can change every aspect of our day-to-day life and the emptiness we feel seems insurmountable because so much of what we do each and every day revolves around them and their every need...  

·         When are children are older, teens and young adults - maybe they were getting ready to go into junior high, high school or off to college or their first job – their deaths seems so terribly unfair – we’ve worked so hard to raise them and to have them die just as they are ready to embark on the best and most exciting years of their lives – Why? How can it be that they are now gone and will never be able to reach the potential we imagined for them or that they've worked to hard for...

·         For those of us who have lost adult children – as parents we often experience not only the unbearable loss of our own child but for many of us we have to stand by and watch the heartache and pain that our children’s children and spouse have to deal with; for many of us we often lose not only our child but someone who has become a close and trusted friend with whom we’ve shared an irreplaceable emotional support… 

·         Yes, every child is unique, and for those blessed to have other children – whether it’s one or a dozen, the child we have lost cannot be replaced, and having other children in no way diminishes the painful loss of our child

·         But, for those parents who lose their only child – the loss is different again – some feel they’ve lost their identity - they don't feel as though they are parents anymore, for some they've lost the hope of becoming a grandparent - for many they feel as though their entire future is in jeopardy…

Yes when our children die, a part of our future dies with them, but I believe with all that I am that the parent-child bond lives on forever…

As the pain begins to soften, and it will – hopefully we will each find a way to bring our children along with us into the future..  For some it might be as simple as speaking their name from time to time at family and social gatherings – those who love and care about you will understand (and if not, it’s their problem not yours); for others it will be doing things in their children’s memory – maybe helping others who are ill or grieving; or helping at a school or after-school program; there are no right or wrong ways – but it’s up to us to continue to live the fullest life we can while we are here – that is how we honor their memory… 

As the pain softens, you will find yourself smiling thru the tears as you celebrate their time with you, no matter how long that may have been – because no matter how long, we all agree that it is never long enough…