For those of you who are experiencing your first or second Thanksgiving later this week without your children or grandchildren, know that during Thanksgiving
dinner when everyone proclaims what they are thankful for, your heart will probably
skip a beat, and tears may well in your eyes and in your heart you might think,
how can I be thankful - my child is dead...
But also know that in time, despite the horrific pain you feel now, there
will come a time when you will be so grateful for every moment you had with
your child or grandchild... even for mom's who never got to hold their babies, in
time even they are grateful..
There is a blog that I visit often (www.grievingparent.com)
This blog is written by a dad who lost his young 22 year old son Richard on May
25, 2009, just a few months before my own son Bobby died on September 19th 2009.
I found the blog within weeks of Bobby's
death and I continue to visit the blog often and still gives me tremendous comfort; probably
because so much of what Joe Mudd writes, is what I am feeling so that helps me
to know I'm not alone, it's OK, I'm normal, I am not going crazy.
Surprising isn't it, that many around us
who fortunately are not part of this "unique group"; seem to believe
that once the first year of grieving is over, then of course; we will be
"better"; we will have "moved on", but those of us who are
part of this "unique group" - we know too well that this "new
normal" is not something we get over, get better from or move beyond; it
is simply a pain that gets a little softer and that we learn to live with..
Instead I imagine that, like Richard's
dad, most of us are very grateful; thankful that we had our children, no matter
how short their time and yes, this unbearable pain, is worth whatever length of
time we had them...
This is the post that Richard's dad wrote
in 2009 on his blog about his son.. sentiments I think so many of us share - so
as you prepare for Thanksgiving without your beloved children, it is OK to be
thankful for all that they gave us and for all that we have now.... Cherie
Houston
by Joe Mudd on November 26, 2009, Joe is
a dad who writes a blog about his son Richard, who passed away on May 25, 2009
- Joe's blog, which has truly become a favorite of mine is: " www.grievingparent.com;
Stop by and visit sometime...
It’s Thanksgiving Day 2009 here in the
USA. Time to give thanks to our maker for all the good things he has given us.
It has also been six months since our son Richard, who was only 22, died on May
25th of this year.
So you probably think we won’t find
anything to be thankful for. After all it’s hard to be thankful for grief, pain
and a huge part of our life missing. It takes more work to find it, but yes,
there is much to be thankful for.
I’m grateful for my great family and
friends. All the love and support they’ve given us has been pulling us through
this process. It still hurts, but I can’t image what it would be like without
them.
I’m grateful to have my beautiful
daughter and the grand-dog home with us for this holiday. She’s a very special
young lady.
I give thanks everyday for the wonderful
memories. They make us realize how much we’ve lost, but they remind us of what
we had. And it was special.
And this one may make you think I’ve gone
completely off the deep end. I’m thankful this hurts so very much. No, I don’t
enjoy the pain. It’s nearly unbearable. But this pain is so intense because we
had so much love and fun with Richard. He was a treat. We had a special
relationship his whole life. I wouldn’t change much.
Of course there are some things I’d like
to have been able to do. Richard did shot put and discus in high school.
Because I work second shift I wasn’t able to be at all those week night
contests. I would love to have been there for everyone.
And I missed most of his weekend camping
trips with his Scout Troop because I had to work most weekends. But those
weekend work days made it possible to send him to a great high school. He loved
St X, and the teachers and programs helped make Richard into the fine young man
he became. So I owe them my gratitude too. And his Scout Leaders led him to
Eagle Scout. More to be thankful for. But we still had a lot of fun together.
He never became the surly disrespectful person so many teens turn into.
I’m grateful we had our kids. They taught
me what love is all about. They made me a totally different – and much improved
– person than what I was so many years ago. And Richard was a huge part of
that.
So yes, finding reasons for thanks is a
hard thing. It takes work.
About a year before Richard’s death, an
employee of one of our on-site vendors lost his entire family in an auto
accident. His wife and three kids gone. My friend Kathy, who hasn’t had
children yet, asked me, “If you knew you would lose them early like that, would
it be worth so much pain? Would you still want to have them?” I told her I
thought I would, but because I’d never had to face that kind of pain and
couldn’t really imagine what it must be like, I didn’t know for sure.
I now live that pain. I know the answer.
Yes I’d gladly have him again. He was
worth it.
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