December 14th, National Childrens Memorial Day: Candle Lighting Ceremony & Proclamation

Open Arms for Empty Hearts will be holding the annual candle lighting event on December 14 at London Bridge Beach.  The event begins at 6:30pm to ensure that everyone has their candles ready to light at 7pm.  As most of you know, this is an event that is held around the world and candles are lighted at 7pm in each time zone so that candles can burn continuously across the continent, in memory of our children lost too soon.  This event is open to everyone, so please pass the word.

Also note that the Open Arms for Empty Hearts will hold their December meeting on Thursday, December 11th, the day before the Candle Lighting Ceremony.

Please note that starting in 2015, Open Arms for Empty Hearts will begin meeting on the 1st and last Thursday of each month.  Since the 1st Thursday in January is New Years Day, our first meeting of the new year will be the last Thursday of the month, January 29th. 

Please note the following Proclamation signed by the honorable Mayor, Mark S Nexsen, Mayor of Lake Havasu City, Arizona:

Office of the Mayor Lake Havasu City, Arizona Proclamation

"NATIONAL CHILDREN'S MEMORIAL DAY"

December 14, 2014

WHEREAS, approximately 80,000 infants, children, teenagers, and young adults of families living throughout the United States die each year from countless causes; and

WHEREAS, the death of an infant, child, teenager; and young adult of a family is considered to be one q/the greatest tragedies that a parent or family will ever endure during a lifetime; and

WHEREAS, Open Arms for Empty Hearts is a supportive group that provides empathy and understanding in the healing process for a family that is coping with and recovering from the loss of a loved one; and

WIIEREAS, Open Arms för Empty Hearts is open to all moms who have lost a child or in some instances, children: and

WHEREAS, Open Arms for Empty Hearts observes National Children 's Memorial Day every year along with others around the world, in every time zone at 7:00 p.m. on the Sunday of December in remembrance of loved ones that have passed on; creating a 24-hour international candle lighting ceremony that encircles the globe.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Mark S Nexsen, Mayor of Lake Havasu City, Arizona, do hereby proclaim Sunday, December 14, 2014 as

"NATIONAL CHILDREN'S MEMORIAL DAY"

in Lake Havasu City, Arizona, and urge all citizens both in public ceremonies and in private thoughts and prayers to honor the children we have lost, the children who have lived and died and who, even in death, continue to matter.

Hug an Angel Mom Today

Today is Pregnancy, Infant, and Child loss awareness day-it makes no difference the age of the child or how they died. Take a moment to think about all the angels that have left us too soon. Hug an angel parent you know and remember, though today is a day of awareness, hope, and light, it is still very hard for a lot of parents. 1 in 4 parents know this feeling all to well. You are welcome to join the Wave of light tonight, by lighting a candle from 7pm-8pm.

Stop Looking in the rear view mirror... 

~ by Cherie Houston

I originally wrote this in the Fall of 2011 - and must admit I read it quite often to remind myself of the importance of "looking ahead"..  Two weeks ago, the 5th year anniversary of my 36 year old son Bobby's death came-we had a memorial mass and most of our family joined us for breakfast including all 12 of our grandchildren, 2 of whom are his little boys.. I have to admit that these last six months have been very difficult for me - who knows, maybe I'm finally facing the reality of it all...  But I know I'm not alone, so I thought I'd share this with you again and hope that you can find it helpful.. and now that none of us is alone on this unpredictable journey of finding that new normal after the deaths of our children...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Within months of our son Bobby’s death in September 2009, my daughter-in-law Jennifer (Bobby’s wife) and I and several friends met this amazing woman – Maureen Hancock…Maureen is blessed with several talents, one of which is helping people who are dying to become comfortable with what’s happening – the majority of her clients are children… Maureen is blessed, without a question, in being able to understand their fears and concerns which almost always have to do with the family they will soon be leaving behind..

Recently, Maureen made the following statement about one of her patients..

I met the bravest woman last week~Mary A. She's down to the wire with her battle with ALS. She has a beautiful family that surrounds her in blankets of love. Her one question..."Will I get to see my children grow up?" YES! I assured her. For all those healthy & reading this w/children...are you watching them grow up? Don't live to work, work to live. Maureen Hancock

When I heard this, I thought of all of us who have lost our own children who often become so lost in our own grief and longing for our child who has died, that we unintentionally, but sadly forget about our family who is still living…Not that we mean to, but it is so easy to dwell on what we’ve lost, that sometimes we lose sight of what we still have…  

It’s so important to begin to look and move forward – we can’t change what’s happened or what is behind us, but we can certainly have an impact on what is happening today at this moment and appreciate all the blessings we have – our own siblings, our significant others, maybe we are even blessed to have other children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, our own parents or in-laws, friends, associates – so many people who care about us..

Yes we all need to think about spending a little more time looking ahead instead of in the rear view mirror before it’s too late…

Thank you Maureen for this reminder...

Maureen Hancock is a nationally renowned spirit medium, teacher, lecturer, holistic healer, and author of the book, The Medium Next Door; co-founder of the non-profit organization, Mission for the Missing, providing assistance and equipment in missing children and adult cases. Maureen is an associate member of the Licensed Private Detective Association of Massachusetts. She has been featured in numerous articles and can be heard on radio stations around the country - she resides in a small town south of Boston, Massachusetts with her husband, two children and chocolate lab, Ally. Maureen, in my opinion is amazing..
check out Maureen's website:

www.maureenhancock.com

A Bereaved Parent’s Spring

A Bereaved Parent’s Spring

By Terre Belt, BP/USA , Anne Arundel County Chapter

Regardless of the calendar or the meteorologists, April marks the beginning of spring for many of us.  The world outside begins to awaken from its winter slumber and the sights and sounds and smells of spring abound, from the flowers peeking out of the ground to the birds chirping merrily outside our windows to the smell of the blooming trees as we venture out for our first walk of the season.

This is what spring is all about unless, of course, you are a “newly” bereaved parent and then you might just be oblivious to it all.  In fact, you may even resent the reappearance of spring and its symbolic rebirth.  The message to you from an “old timer” on this grief journey is to be easy on yourself…it won’t always be this hard and just fell whatever you feel.  Don’t let anyone tell you how you “should” feel this spring (or next.)

Like all seasons, spring will have its share of emotional triggers for the newly bereaved – graduations, Mother’s Day, planning for summer vacations, favorite flowers and just waking up.  But just as April showers bring May flowers….the tears of grief will ultimately sow the seeds of hope and someday you too will see the beauty of spring again.

For those of us who have been on our grief journey for awhile, not only do we recognize (and welcome) the beauty of spring again, but we also see our children in everything that is beautiful in spring.  It is our way of carrying them with us through spring and through all of the seasons.  

So, as spring unfolds, here’s wishing each of you peace and whatever joy you are able to find.  

Is Crying a Requirement in Grieving?

I just came across this article that I'd cut out some time ago.  So many articles we've shared like this one, are just simple reminders that "grief is unique" the way in which we grieve is different for each and every one of us.  There are so many variables (who we lost, the circumstances, who've we've lost before, our past experiences with grief - yes there are so many variables)

Grief and the grieving process will also change along the journey - like each river that flows - grief charts it's own course - there are no hard & fast rules, and there are no right or wrong ways to grieve.  Like it or not, we will each find our own way and when it's someone else's turn remember that love and patience is what they need most - just being there for them is what counts...  Cherie Houston

Question - My 34-year-old son died last year after a three-year bout with cancer. I miss him terribly, but I haven't cried about his death. Is this normal?

Response from Edward T. Creagan, M.D.

Grief is a universal human experience. Your response to grief may be highly individual, however. Crying is an important part of the grieving process for many people, but a lack of tears doesn't necessarily indicate that the grieving process has gone awry.

Many factors affect the grieving process, including:

§  The nature of the relationship with the person who died

§  The quality of the relationship

§  The time you had to prepare for the loss

§  Your own personality

It's OK if you don't feel like crying. You may simply need time and space to grieve your son's death in your own way. It's important to make sure that you're dealing with your feelings appropriately, however.

If you're isolating yourself, you're having trouble completing your usual daily activities or you feel like crying but can't, consider seeking the help of a grief counselor or other mental health provider. A counselor may suggest various behavior therapies to help you re-establish a sense of control and direction in your life. You may find comfort through a support group as well. In a few cases, short-term use of antidepressants or other medications may be warranted.

The grieving process commands respect and requires time. However, unresolved grief can lead to depression and other mental health problems. If you're concerned about reaching a healthy resolution to your grief, seek the professional help you deserve.

On a Child's Death

There are so many poems I keep in my nightstand for those nights when sleep is illusive and the stark reality of a future that is changed forever, you know that heartbreaking reality that we re moving forward in the time "after a child's death" - yes those nights that seem to hold me in their grip.. it is poems like these that help soften the pain and heartache  and sadness of losing my children... I hope that when we share poems like these, that you also will find them a source of peace..  Cherie Houston

ON A CHILD'S DEATH

~ BY Virginia Ellis

All heaven was in mourning,  The day that young man died;
When He closed His eyes, they said, Ten thousand angels cried.

The angels shed their many tears, Because He was God's Son;
But there is a special sadness, When God takes the very young.

At times like that, I question God, Why let a child die?
I cannot understand it, And I need to ask Him why.

I, too, have heard the angels cry, I've heard them cry first hand;
For I, too, gave up a child, And I've tried hard to understand.

Yes, I received God's comfort, Though I'm grateful, I want more;
I want reasons;  I want meaning, I am a parent who's heart-sore.

God can give, and God can take, I am well aware of this;
But, why my baby ... why my child?
Why did God put him on His list?

Did I love my child too much? Was he too good for this old earth?
Had his purpose here been filled?  Was that why he was taken first?

I awake each day with questions,  I fall asleep at night, the same;
So many times I ask God why,  I'm both saddened and ashamed.

But then, in reflective moments, When my prayers are most intense,
One word keeps going through my mind, Patience ... patience ... patience.

Maybe now is not the time, To explain this great heartache;
Even if I knew God's reasons, What difference would it make?

Can't I just be grateful, For any time we had?
Accept God's action without question? Why is that so very bad?

What's my hurry ... why my pressure? Is my faith not strong enough?
God will explain it when He's ready,  Surely I can trust that much.

God understands my broken heart, He, too, gave up a Son;
He knows the pain of one lost child, He weeps with me, and we are one.

Just as I talk to God each day,  I talk to my precious child;
I blow him kisses, and I say,  "See you, honey, in a while."

A new of "grieving"

~ shared from Susan Leemont - Boulder, CO (BP)

No doubt since the death of our child, someone has been kind enough to share with us that we must all go through the “normal stages of grief” and then kindly list them for us.…  These “stages” were defined as a result of many studies, but the most popular seemed to be based on Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's which resulted in her book: On Death and Dying (Scribner), which was published in 1969.

Although much of that is probably still true, more recent research seems to suggest – as we very well know from experience, that for most people, grieving is rarely a straight passage through discrete phases ending in healing.

To those of us who have gone thru this, we know that it is a constantly changing pattern, that seems to jump out at us when we least expect it, catch us off guard and then retreat again so we can catch our breath – some say similar to one of those scary houses we may walk thru in Disney or at a carnival… 

I came across this article and I want to share it with you because I think it helps to validate how grief really feels – not nice and neat in a fixed set of “stages” like those we heard about when we got pregnant – but the reality of what we feel and experience. 

Dr. Holly Prigerson states that grief it tends to occur in fits and starts, sometimes quickly, sometimes over a number of years. The way it unfolds varies dramatically, too, depending on whom you've lost and the nature of your relationship. Perhaps more surprising, research suggests that whomever a person is grieving for—a well-loved parent, spouse, friend or child—human beings are surprisingly resilient.

Holly Prigerson, Ph.D., is the director of the Center for Psycho-Oncology and Palliative Care Research at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, and as a result of a study she has done with hundreds of mourners, she discovered that while nearly all people go through a very rough period where they cry, long for the loved one, have difficulty eating and can't concentrate, 85 percent start feeling somewhat better in about six months. Even more hopeful, there are steps everyone can take to help the recovery process along, regardless of whom you're missing.

A new view of grieving - Like life itself, grief isn't something that unfolds neatly, starting on cue with denial and continuing until the mourner reaches the final stage, accepting that the person is gone. In Dr. Prigerson’s  two-year study of mourners, Prigerson found that rather than denial or anger, most mourners feel an acute sense of yearning and sadness throughout that fades and eases as time passes.

"There's no orderly progression of Kübler-Ross's hypothetical phases," Prigerson confirms. "It's more accurate to say that the emotions associated with grief exist simultaneously, then slowly decline as feelings of acceptance rise," she explains.

March Winds

~ Lovingly shared from ~ Betty Davis, Marion Ohio BP/USA

As the winds blow, often violently, it is as if there is an attempt to wake us from our winter lethargy.  The birds began to sing, calling to us.  The dormant trees begin to move in the breeze.  We see the first buds.  Witness a crocus peeping through the encrusted ground.  

Regardless of our griefs and regrets, life goes on, whether we participate or not.  This can be a season of renewal.  We can symbolically plant a flower, a tree, or a bush, and nurture it as we loved our child.  As the plant flourishes and adds beauty to our lives, we can experience a sense of creation just as our child added meaning to our lives.  

It’s time to sort out the good memories when we do our spring cleaning.  Discard the anger, regret, disappointment and sorrow.  Shake it out and throw it away.  Hold on to all that is good.  Cherish it forever.  It’s time to make a constructive effort to restore ourselves.  

We hope the gales of the March winds will awaken you to a new beginning.  May the ‘winter of our discontent’ disappear.  We wish for you to live in the future with your happy memories.      

Hope for the Day

Spring, a time of renewed and hope arrives in just a few weeks  on March 20th.. we hope you can find some joy in the small signs of new life, as well as a sense of renewed hope & peace about the future..  We are hoping that by sharing this story from Clara Hinton, you can begin to move from that black hole of grief...Cherie Houston

~ by Clara Hinton of  www.silentgrief.com

“HOPE FOR THE DAY”

     When grief is new and so raw, it takes up all of our time and energy.  We forget what day it is, and worse yet, we don’t even care.  We stop going out, we forget appointments, and we withdraw from life as we once new it.  Grief affects every part of our being!

     At first, we expect this kind of response to our grief.  We need to do so much adapting to a new world, a new place to call home, and a new way to find joy.  We can’t rush through this process!

     But, there comes a time in our lives when we will be faced with the most difficult choice of all.  Do we stay in our deep grief, or do we make a conscious effort to take one step at a time and try to move forward into a place of hope!

    Most of us make the choice to move on because we know that’s what is best.  If we stay in that deep black hole of grief for too long, we’ll miss another spring.  And, we don’t want to miss the blue skies, the budding of the flowers, seeing the first robin plucking his work from the earth that is beginning to unfold with so much life and beauty!

     Even though grief will always be a part of our lives, there comes a time when we can move it from a place of everyday top priority, to a place of subdued recognition.  Spring comes once a year, and it’s full of hope.  Give yourself permission to enjoy the beauty of this coming season this year!          

I'm There Inside Your Heart

~ author Unknown

I’M THERE INSIDE YOUR HEART

 Right now I’m in a different place,

And though we seem apart,

I’m closer than I ever was….

I’m there inside your heart.

I’m with you when you greet each day

And while the sun shines bright,

I’m there to share the sunsets, too…

I’m with you every night.

I’m with you when the times are good,

To share a laugh or two,

And if a tear should start to fall…

I’ll still be there for you.

And when that day arrives

That we no longer are apart,

I’ll smile and hold you close to me…..

Forever in my heart.

Introducing "Open Arms for Empty Hearts" in Lake Havasu City, AZ - Please Join Us

We are pleased to introduce "Open Arms for Empty Hearts".   As many of you know, Joyce Floyd gave the Lake Havasu City, AZ community and Mom's years of her help and support and we could never fill those shoes, so thank you Joyce for all your dedication and support.  As Joyce moves on to other endeavors, our goal is to take up the gauntlet and continue with the idea of Mom's helping Mom's. 

We are so pleased to announce that as of this Thursday, February 13th, we will begin meeting on the 2nd & 4th Thursday mornings of each month at the Lake Havasu City Aquatic Center from 10am-12N.  Our meetings will be open to all Mom's, new and old that wish to participate in celebrating their child's life and memories.  As you all know, the loss of a child is probably the most painful loss one can suffer.  Only those who have experienced that loss can offer their support and comfort to others.  This will be an open forum, members taking turns hosting the meetings...bringing their own experiences and knowledge to others..

We are also pleased to introduce our Facebook page "Open Arms for Empty Hearts" and would encourage all moms to go to the site and feel free to post any comments, suggestions or ideas - again our Facebook page is another work in progress...  

We are all looking forward to seeing all of you again and welcoming new members.  Beginning this week, registrations forms will be available so that we have up-to-date contact information and we hope you will pass the word, and reach out to moms who may have attended in the past and make sure they have our new meeting information. 

If you have any questions or suggestions you can also contact us at "openarmsforemptyhearts@gmail.com"

Charlyne, Debbie, Janet & SharonEmpty

Struggling in the Valley

I remember very well the day that our founder, Joyce Floyd, gave this to me early in 2010 ..  I was really struggling with my son Bobby's death a few months before and truly wondering if I'd make it through this "process:"...  up one day for a few hours and then CRASH with a pain that was all consuming!!!! I'd traveled this road before in the early 70's when in 71 our daughter Randee Marie had died and then again the following year when our daughter Robin passed away.. But this time was worse, or so it seemed...  Grief is a mess and I'd forgottenhow long the roller coaster would last... but eventually the horrible pain does soften and peaceand joy will return to your life...I promise...  Cherie Houston

Frankly, grief is a MESS!  It’s like a never ending horrible nightmarish roller coaster ride, filled with horrifying twists and turns, steep drops and sheer cliffs.  It hurts so much that it leaves us gasping for breath and wishing for the comfort of a coma.  We wish we had died, but suffer the realization that we didn’t.  And that’s the trouble!  We didn’t die…we’re stuck in this living nightmare and we can’t see any escape route.  IT is a journey we never asked for and don’t want to explore.  Yet, we struggle in the VALLEY, hoping and praying for relief, only to discover that even our prayers seem to go unanswered.  It is a lonely and desperate time.

It seems endless and we grow weary of the storms and winds of grief.  Yet, the OTHER SIDE OF GRIEF sounds just as scary.  So many people have told us what we SHOULD and OUGHT to do in order to achieve recovery that it all seems to blur into emptiness.  They talk about ‘closure’ and we don’t even know what that means!  Does that mean you have to forever ‘close’ the story of your loved one’s life?  Or does it mean you should never again grieve?  Or maybe, it means you should not talk about your loved one anymore.  What does ‘closure’ mean and what does recovery mean?

NO ONE UNDERSTANDS although many think they do.  It is easy to grow tired of breathing and of coping creatively with the thousands of footsteps that have to be taken.

You have discovered that Death is an injury…..a severe and devastating psychological wound that causes great pain and trauma in the early weeks and months and years.  Yet, eventually, and over a great period of time, that injury does heal and you must then learn to live with the scar that is left.

February - It's Time for Love

~ Written by Rosalie Baker, Rochester, NY 

February has fewer days than most months, and that may be of a special significance to us, as our children had fewer days than most.  When we think of this month, the most outstanding day perhaps is Valentine’s Day.  It is a time for love.  When we were school-aged, we had a special chance to give and receive cards in those decorated boxes in our primary classrooms.  Perhaps it is the one holiday that children can really do something for everyone.  Addressing a card to each and every classmate made you think of how you felt about each one and wonder about how they felt about you.

Love is found in every day of every year, but February and Valentine’s Day are very special.  I wish I could remember just how it felt to get a “nicer” Valentine from someone I had sent a “nicer” one to.  It is so long ago, and there have been so many much more significant happenings in my life.  But sometimes, I’d like to remember just how it felt.

I am sending along this Valentine’s Love Note to you right now and hope that you know it is one of the “nicer” ones, because you are very special to me.  Somehow I don’t wonder how you feel, somehow I know.  As we grieve the loss of our children and one another’s we begin to find a different kind of love than we ever expected to experience.                                                            

It Happened Again

Special thanks to Holly Polakoff from New Jersey for sending this - she commented that when she falls back into that very uncomfortable "dark place" that feels as though she's drowning in her grief, she pulls out this article and reads it again and again to remind herself that she is going to get through it.  She knows she has to, when her son Burke died suddenly due to a tragic accident at the age of 11, she had 3 younger children who desperately needed her.  But there were times she said, that even her love for her 3 little ones, didn't seem as though it would be enough to help her go on (but of course it was)..  "It Happened Again" was written by Sandy Goodman

It’s happening again.  Right outside my front door, under an inch of leftover snow a daffodil is pushing its way up into the sunlight.  The bare places in my lawn are thawed and messy, and the steady drip from the roof lulls us to sleep. Yesterday I strolled the thirty feet to my mailbox without a jacket.  Spring has reappeared.

Spring is a time for optimism.  Suddenly living seems easier, happier, and less stressful.  Depression lifts and a feeling of hope fills the air.  We shed our winter blues and replace our frowns and cantankerous attitudes with smiles and loving kindness.  We visit with our neighbors over fences, clean up the barbecues, and start leafing through seed catalogues.  Life is good….but not invariably and not for everyone. 

I remember a spring that bore no resemblance to what I’ve just described.  It was the spring of ’97 and it was the first spring after my son’s death.  By the time the first warm day arrived that year, the numbness of Jason’s death had disappeared and I had entered what I call the “pit of grief.”  Simply typing this paragraph takes me back in time and once again, I am there…..

.....and it is cold and dark.  I am alone, curled up in a corner of this make believe place where

.....only my pain exists.  The sorrow is my only link to him, my only awareness, the only thing that 

.....matters.  If I allow myself to move away from it, I may lose him again.  I cannot do that.  I

.....cannot take that chance.  And so I hold it, cradle the pain in my arms, shielding it from those

.....who want to take it from me, and I weep……

However, spring arrives without invitations and it calls on everyone.  It skips in like a long awaited guest and expects to be welcomed with open arms.  I recall what seemed like the entire world growing jovial and lighthearted, which merely pushes me to tunnel further in my corner and the sanctuary of my grief.  I longed for the reappearance of winter because it had kept the “ones who do not know” away from the door.  I remember feeling betrayed.  How could the earth suddenly wake up and come alive when my son had no opportunity to do so?

It’s happening again.  Spring is once again knocking on our doors.  Each of you know, love, or can befriend someone who is precisely where I was (ten) years ago.

The winter has been long and hard; you are ready for a new beginning.  I understand.  I share your anticipation.  (Ten) years ago is not now.  My corner of the pit had been occupied by many since my stay there, and I have no intention of revisiting it.  But there are many who have just descended and they are burrowing in, seeking solitude.  Although I firmly believe that being there is a necessary task in getting to the other side of grief, I also believe that we must come out occasionally for fresh air and sunshine.  It is up to you, and to me, to go into this world and reach out for her hand.  Once she’s taken hold, her chance of successfully climbing out is greatly increased.  So go on, go buy those doughnuts…..someone is waiting just for you.

Sandy Goodman is the author of “ Love Never Dies: A Mother’s Journey from Loss to Love”

Grief Changes

(author unknown)

     Grief is a process and nothing stays the same.  Even if you feel you have remained ‘stuck’ in the same hurting place, you have moved in the Valley.  You are continually making progress even when you slip backwards or sideways for a time.  It becomes the GRIEF SHUFFLE…..1 step up, 2 steps back, 2 steps sideways, we all fall down.  The hard part is that the music keeps changing ALL THE TIME!!

     You may have stumbled around in the dark for a long time.  But as you learned the steps you may have found others dancing around the same stones.  And you discover you are NOT alone.  Although you may have experienced the loss of some of your closest friends, you begin to meet others, staggering through the same pain.  The journey doesn’t get much easier, but it does become less lonely.

     And grief changes…..as we change.

Am I going crazy?

Susan Schneider from boulder, CO sent this to me lat year, but I believe we've shared this before..  This is a question I think almost all of our who have lost a child ask ourselves from time to time and although we may know we are not, the fear is certainly overwhelming at times - even years after the death when we should be totally okay (or at least that's what others around us think), so i thought it might help if we share it again...  No we aren't going crazy, we are simply devastated by our unimaginable loss... May you find peace in the days and months ahead - Cherie Houston

Am I Going Crazy?

By Russell Friedman and John W. James @ legacy.com “Grief Recovery Handbook”

 response to the death of someone important to them is a sense of numbness. After that initial numbness wears off, the most common physiological reaction is a reduced ability to concentrate. The rest of the world goes out of focus. Nothing else is important.

It is normal and natural that your entire being is centered on what happened and your relationship with the person who died. The length of time that the reduced ability to concentrate lasts is individual and can vary from a few days to several months, and even longer. It is not a sign that there’s something wrong with you. The fact that the emotional impact of the death of that person has altered your day-to-day routines is very healthy. It would make no sense for you to not be affected by the death.

It is normal to drift out of focus in response to conscious or unconscious memories of the person who died. Please be gentle with yourself in allowing that your focus is not on the actions of life, but on your reactions to a death.

If you’re at work, you can take little “grief breaks” as needed. It’s a good idea to establish a safe person at work who you can talk to when and if you get overwhelmed. It’s also smart to have a phone pal you can call when the emotions keep you from concentrating. The breaks and chats will make you able to do the work you need to do.

Please keep in mind that it’s important to focus while driving a car. It’s not safe to drive with tears in your eyes. If need be, pull over. Allow yourself to have whatever emotions come up, and maybe call someone and talk for a while before you get back on the road.

When Your Heart Is Broken, Your Head Doesn’t Work Right

Along with not being able to concentrate, your thinking ability and judgment may be limited. That’s why grieving people are advised to be careful about making major life decisions in the aftermath of the death of someone important to them. To put it in simple terms, when your heart is broken, your head doesn’t work right. You must take care either not to make big decisions until you regain your ability to focus, or you must make sure you have people you trust to help you understand your choices and the consequences of what you decide.

There are other common physiological reactions to grief. Sleeping habits are often disrupted for an extended period of time. You may find yourself unable to sleep, or you may not be able to get out of bed. You can even go back and forth between those extremes. Eating patterns are also subject to confusion. You may not be able to eat at all, or you may not be able to stop. You can also ping-pong between those extremes. Sleeping and eating disruptions aren’t as common as the reduced ability to concentrate, but they can be really uncomfortable. If they happen, it also doesn’t mean you’re going crazy. It just means that your routines and habits are out of synch.

Another common grief reaction is best described as a roller coaster of emotions. It can be a wild ride, with tremendous emotional shifts. But, like concentration and the eating and sleeping issues, that roller coaster is one of the typical responses to the death of someone important to you. Don’t fight it, just go along for the ride, no matter how bumpy it might be. When it happens, it’s a good idea to call a friend, and talk about what you’re feeling. Talking about what you’re experiencing helps make sure you don’t trap your feelings inside.

Normal and Natural — Not Crazy

The reduced ability to concentrate; the disruption of sleeping and eating patterns; and the roller coaster of emotions are all normal and natural reactions to death. There is nothing crazy about them or you.

Those reactions usually diminish within time as you adapt to life without the person who died. But time doesn’t heal emotional wounds, nor does it complete anything that may have been left emotionally unfinished when the person died. Sometimes it’s just the feeling of wanting to have said one more “I love you and goodbye.” Sometimes it is a more complex set of communications that would include apologies, forgiveness, and significant emotional statements.

It is always helpful to discover and complete anything that was left unfinished. Doing so will allow you to have fond memories not turn painful. It will also help you remember your person the way you knew them in life. And it will help you continue a life of meaning and value, even though it is altered by the absence of he person who died.

Above all, allow yourself to be out of rhythm. As we said, be careful when you’re driving and be cautious when making major decisions. Be gentle with yourself as you make your re-entry back into the flow of your life. But don’t judge yourself harshly because you are having any or all of the reactions we mentioned.

New years resolutions for grieving parents are different

A New Year is here, like it or not and some say it’s a time for resolutions.  For those of us who are grieving the death of our child, resolutions can be different from those of our friends and families.  

We hope these resolutions might help you to find peace and joy throughout the new year ahead…

• I will try not to imagine the future and take one day at a time.
• I will allow myself to cry, both alone and with my loved ones.
• I will not shut out family and friends from my thoughts and feelings.
• I will take care of my health. A sick body will only compound my troubles.
• I will drink a lot of water, take multivitamins, rest (even if I don’t sleep) and exercise moderately. 
• I will help heal my body as well as my mind.
• I will keep a journal to see my progress through grief.
• I will be patient with myself
• I will learn to accept that the journey through grief does not meet a specific timetable
• I will share my feelings with friends and let them share with me. I realize I am coming out of my shell when I care about the pain of others.
• I will try not to expect so much understanding from those who have not walked the same path.
• I will learn to accept the help and kindness of others.
• I will be kind to myself, and appreciate my health, appearance, and time alone.
• I will try to be more considerate of my spouse, children and parents. They, too, are coping and deserve my help.
• In memory of my child, I will do something to help someone else. This way, my child can live on through me.
• I will remember that I owe it to myself to enjoy life.