Halloween is here again. For many of us the memories of long ago trick or treat adventures, and for some the pain of the “trick or treat adventures that never happened, often bring us to tears… And for others it is the fear of the holidays ahead.. now it begins....
But in addition to those fears and memories, or lack of memories, it also reminds me that Halloween is a time of masks. Yes, for many of us, when we are overwhelmed with grief and fear from losing our child, those first few months and sometimes for years, force us to don masks – sometimes intentionally, but more often than not, we don’t even realize that we are wearing them…. Yes masks are something that all of us who are grieving know quite well.
Even on our best days, before our lives changed forever by the death of our beloved children, it’s likely that from time to time we wore masks and weren’t aware of how others may have seen us.
But now, when we are working hard to rebuild our shattered worlds without our children, when we are coping with our grief, the masks we wear might cause others to back away from us.
Yes our masks might project soe very scary images to those around us. It might be a mask of total denial, or one that says very loundly that we will fall apart if spoken to or touched, or maybe the mask says, NO! It’s OK I’m just fine and don’t need you or anyone; or one that pleads-please don't speak to me or I'll cry; or maybe it's a masks that tells them to go around us-yes please act as though I’m invisible, or maybe it's a mask that says we just aren't here we are someplace else and we are not “present” at all… Yes the masks we wear can be frightening to those around us.
And because we often are not even aware that we are wearing these masks (which can sometimes change daily or even hourly) we may wonder why others don’t approach us.
Yes, they probably wanted to, they may have intended to hug us or hold our hand or ask us how we were doing or what they could do to help us, but our “mask” projected an image other than the way in which we feel inside… sad, lonely, vulnerable, hurting and heartbroken beyond belief, or maybe we hoped they know that we were just struggling to adjust, to adjust to our new life and future without our beloved child...
Yes, it’s just possible and even probable that when we are grieving, we never realize that others might be seeing us in a totally different way than what we are feeling or think we are projecting…
Despite the mask we are wearing, it helps everyone when we reach out to others first, it allows them to know it’s OK. It gives them permission to know that it’s OK to reach out to us. It tells them that yes we want and need them: to help us, be with us, speak our child’s name and share memories of our children as we continue on our journey from mourning to joy.
Yes - when we reach out to others first, it allows them to know that our mask is temporary. In time our mask fade and with their help it will disappear, and the new us, the person whom they know and love, will shine through again, stronger and more compassionate and loving and proud to share the legacy of our children gone before us...
May you enjoy a peace filled Halloween & Holiday season ahead ~ Cherie Houston
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