Mixed emotions during the holidays ~ You are not alone

I want to thank Susan Blantin from LaJolla, CA for sending this to me. Susan’s sister Patrice lost her 13 year old daughter almost 3 years ago in an accident and has found comfort in the services of this clinician. Susan told me that the following a quote from Amber website that her sister Patrice visits (along with ours) – Amber is a Clinical Social Worker and does extensive work and blogging to help with “self healing” using yoga, reiki and other mind & body therapies.… Susuan thought it might help, as it has helped her sister dealing with the mix of feelings the holidays bring to those who might be grieving…Cherie Houston

If you are one of the people for whom the holidays are not so happy (or are perhaps a mix of happy & sad & other stuff), know that you are not alone. I also hope that, as you experience the wide range of human emotion during this holiday time, you can honestly share that with someone who is willing to listen.


Whether you are grieving a recent loss or a more distant one, many people are feeling exactly the same. Maybe it’s time to reach out for a little social contact, maybe it’s time to stay home and rest, or maybe you need a smidge of both. Only you can figure that out for your Self. Denying your Self the right to feel what you feel can have all kinds of negative effects. So pick your favorite self-care strategy or engage in some self-reflection to get you back to your Soul center. It’s right there waiting patiently for you to return. While we struggle with our losses, let us also call to mind the people still here to walk through this life with us.


Whatever your Soul is handling right now, I’m wishing you the grace to let yourself heal and let others in your life know what you need. Be well!

Another trigger that awakens the pain of losing our children

Today, on what should have been my daughter Robin Marie's 40th birthday, I can't help by wonder what might have been had she not died of SIDS when she was so little.  Robin was not quite 8 moths old when she left her dad, and I and her little baby brother Ric (Ric was just 9 1/2 months older than Robin - "Irish Twins" they were always called). 

Yes on July 31st, 1972, we began the grieving process for the second time for the second of our children in less than 2 years... Ric's twin sister Randee Marie had died the day after they were born 12 weeks prematurely on March 16th March 1971... And as most of you know, just a little over 2 years ago on September 19th, 2009, our 36 year old son Robert died - We had joyously welcomed Bobby in August 1973, a year after Robin's death..  I've heard it said it's a blessing that we don't know what the future holds, and oh we've all heard all the other cliches - God only gives you as much as you can bear, it was meant to be, thank god you have other children - the endless list of "comments" recited only by those people who have been fortunate enough to have never known this horrific pain..

So today as we lay roses on Robin's grave, where she lays with her baby sister and big brother, there is a little comfort in knowing I'm not alone..  I know too well, that my heartache & grief , as unbearable as it is from time to time, knows no boundaries - race, color, creed, age of children - no death doesn't discriminate - it simply happens... 

As my heart aches for my 3 children who all died much too soon and "all that might or should have been", each time another child dies, it "triggers" the paniful grief that hides and buries itself deep inside my soul, a pain that is something we learn to suppress, because I'm sure that if each of us didn't learn to do this, there are days when we wouldn't get of bed, never mind continue on as we must.. 

But all too often, when another child dies and someone we know (or even may not know) begins their heartbreaking grief journey, that childs death and awakens our pain ~ a pain which comes raging from those depths and that's how I feel today..  Yesterday, while Dan and I were away with 8 of our 9 grandchildren for a mini-vacation, a high school friend of our son Ric, Joshua and his wife Kristin, laid their only daughter to rest; their beautiful 17 year old daughter Molly. Molly turned 17 on Dec 17th, just 5 days prior to her tragic death in a horrible auto accident, on December 21st.  Molly was their only baby girl ~  just a senior in high school with her whole life yet to be lived.  Molly spent her first Christmas in heaven even before her family had the chance to say goodbye and lay her to rest... 

Our Christmas was wonderful this year with our wonderful 9 grandchildren, 4 sons, 5 daughter-in-laws and a wonderful network of extended family and friends.  However for our family, and I'm sure many who knew Joshua and Krisitn and their family, we couldn't shake the sense of dread for the pain we knew Joshua, Kristin - their only remaining child Nicholas and their entire family were going through, during what should be a joyous season.

For me, I cried for them not just for these initial few days and weeks which I know are so terribly difficult, but more so for the days, months and years that I know that lay ahead for all of them - the responses to Molly college applications, celebrations of her teams soccer season, graduation in June, when all her friends leave for college in the fall - the list that will ramble on for many many years to come..  Yes the pain that will continue for all those moments yet to come when the "what if's" and "if only's" and "should have beens" will take their breath away for the very sad & heartbreaking wrong reasons... 

As the new year approaches, my wish for Joshua and Kristin and for each of you and for myself, is that somehow we will find within ourselves the strength to persevere, to move ahead, to find peace and joy, but accepting the fact that when it is turn for another parent to say goodbye to their child, that like it or not we will relive the pain and the grief, for them and for ourselves and for all that should have been, but will never be...

No, none of knows what the future holds, but it is our responsibility to be there to help ease the pain for those who will need us and to live our lives as happily as we can in memory of and as a testament to our children who have gone too soon, and just as importantly for our family members who are alive and well and deserve our attention and all the love we can muster...

I feel as though I'm babbling a bit, but this year has been a difficult one for our family and many extended family & friends who have sadly goodbye to their young children (most in their 30's and very early 40's-our own children's ages), and it's been difficult sometimes to cope with what we know they are going through and have ahead of them... 

I truly hope and pray that as we welcome the New Year in just a few days, that somehow in someway, we will each find peace and a love filled year ahead and find a way to be grateful for all that we still have and all that was...

Poem - "The Year Before Last"

Most of us can relate to this poem - that moment when we first realize that our child is not going to live in the New Year - it shouldn't shake us to the core, but for many it does - it catches our breath - it brings new tears and sadness, and know that all of those feelings are normal... this poem reflects the feelings so many of us have shared when that moment comes and we realize a new year is ahead, a year in which our child will not participate and that saddens us...

The Year Before Last

~ by Unknown

The holiday season is approaching,
and with it comes the New Year.
Although for me time passes slowly,
New Year's Day will ring in quickly.

I dread this New Year's Day
because they will look at me
in a terribly strange way
when I get misty-eyed,
and talk about something you had done.

After you first left me,
they reasoned when I cried,
"He's only been gone a few months."
And I would catch that look of
understanding in their eyes,
and found some comfort that they knew.

But on last New Year's Day,
my first thought upon awakening was,
Oh God, my son died last year,
not just a few months ago, not even this year,
but last year.
He will never live in this year.

They didn't understand, they didn't reason,
that last year, for me, the loss was still new.
They thought, "It happened last year,
so long ago, why does she still cry?"
I could see it in their eyes.

This New Year's Day, will it be different?
Will my first thought upon awakening be,
Oh God, my son died the year before last,
not a few months ago, not this year or even last year,
but the year before last?
He will never live in this year.

Will they even listen, should I not look them
in the eyes, for fear that I shall see,
"Why is she still crying? It happened so long ago.
It was the year before last."

Those words that we use
to describe the passage of time,
a few months, this year,
last year, the year before last.
They don't know that time stands still for me.

Will they understand that's why I cry?
Don't they know
my son just died ...

the year before last?

My First Christmas in Heaven

From my family to yours, I wish for you a day of peace & joy filled memories of your precious child. Yes, Christmas will always be very different, but I truly believe that they are all celebrating amongst the angels..

I really don't remember who sent the following poem to me in 2009, that first holiday after Bobby died, but thank you if you ar reading htis...  I hope sharing it today, will help each and every one of you find some peace... This is another example of a favorite quote “from the mouth's of babes... “this is certainly one of those and I’m sure reflects the feelings of all our children if they could have spoken to us on their first Christmas in heaven... Cherie Houston

This poem was written by a 13 year old boy who died of a brain tumor that he had battled for four years. He died on December 14, 1997. He gave this to his mom before he died. His name was Ben.

MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart.

But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.

And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.

I sent you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.

Was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, my Father said to do.

I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and Wipe away that tear

Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year

I Will Be There (Tomorrow)

I want to thank Saundra Blade from Clinton, Indiana for sending me the link to this special website www.angelabode.com/holidayideas.html

This website, started by a mom like us, has ideas and tips from other mom’s who are grieving for their child or children during the holidays…    Here is an excerpt and special poem that I loving borrowed from the website, which I believe we can all relate to this Christmas Eve. 

May you and your family find peace this Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and I pray we find joy from our memories, even if they are sprinkled with tears..  Cherie Houston

  

I WILL BE THERE

Sharon J. Bryant

Mom, tomorrow I will be there
Though you may not see
I'll smile and remember
The last Christmas, with you and me

Don't be sad mom
I'm never far away
Your heart has hidden sight
My memory will always stay

I watched as you touched the ornaments
Sometimes a tear was shed as you did
I touched you gently on your shoulder
And on tiptoes I proudly stood

I'm only gone for a little while mom
I'm waiting for the day to be
When God calls out your name mom
We'll be together, just you wait and see

But until that time comes
Carry on as you did when I was there
I tell the angels how much I love you
There are angels here everywhere!

I stand behind you some days
When I know that you are sad
I want you to be happy mom
It would make my heart so glad

So on this Christmas Eve, Mom
Think of me as I will be thinking of you
And touch that special ornament
That I once made for you

I love you mom and dad, also
I know you know I do
And I'll be waiting here for you
When your earthly life is through

Love, Your child in Heaven

It's True-The Holidays Will never be the same again

~ Excert from Susan Apollon’s book, Touched by the Extraordinary, Book Two: Healing Stories of Love, Loss & Hope

"The holidays will never be the same again," she says. "That is true. But life is change, by its very nature. Little by little you will form a new identity and learn to connect with your lost loved one in a different way. You'll form new memories and new traditions. Grieving well can lead to spiritual growth, which means that life itself can become richer and fuller after a profound loss. You'll never forget the person you lost, but you will find joy—even holiday joy—again."

Realize that miracles really do happen at the holidays. Here's the thing about the holidays, says Apollon. They really are magic. You knew this as a child but may have forgotten it. But spiritual occasions like holidays allow us to step outside the box we live in most of the time and let miracles in.

"Paradoxical as it sounds, grief and holidays are a lot alike," she reflects. "They both help us detach from trivial things and focus on what's important, what's real. Open your mind and heart this year and see what happens. Maybe you'll feel a sense of connection with your loved one who passed on, or maybe you'll feel joy for the first time since your loss. Either one might qualify as a miracle."

"It's healthier to feel the sadness and loss than to detach yourself from it," she says. "It's right and normal to grieve; just don't make it the dominant part of who you are."

Remember, says Apollon, the holidays won't always be such a struggle ~ if you work through your grief instead of repressing it, you'll find joy again.

Hugs from Heaven

HUGS FROM HEAVEN
~ by Charlotte Anselmo

When you feel a gentle breeze,

caress you when you sigh
It's a hug sent from Heaven,

From a loved one way up high.

If a soft and tender raindrop,

lands upon your nose
They've added a small kiss,

As fragile as a rose.

If a song you hear fills you

with a feeling of sweet love
It's a hug sent from Heaven,

from someone special up above.

If you awaken in the morning,

to a bluebird's chirping song
It's music sent from Heaven,

to cheer you all day long.

If tiny little snowflakes,

land upon your face
It's a hug sent from Heaven,

trimmed with Angel lace.

So keep the joy in your heart,

if you're lonely my dear friend
Hugs that are sent from Heaven,

a broken heart will mend.

Another View of the Holidays

This next week, which leads up to and includes Hanukkah and Christmas Day for many moms, dads, and grandparents who are grieving the loss of their beloved child or children, grandchild or grandchildren ~ can be quite overwhelming.  I keep reminding myself of the words of many “seasoned grievers” that the anticipation is almost always worse than the reality.. This is our 3rd Christmas without our son Bobby, and in some ways it seems to be the most difficult yet... 

Yes – one week from today, Christmas Day will be here – Hanukah will be in full swing and I want to share with you an article which I have tucked in my wallet and bring out from time to time, but especially this week, to remind me of two things:

1)  To remember and concentrate on the 36 wonderful Christmas Days I had with my son Bobby, for which I will be forever grateful-I wasn’t able to have even one Christmas with either of his little sisters

2)  And just as importantly to force myself to focus on my family who are still alive - my husband Dan, our 4 wonderful sons and their families, which include our incredible 9 grandchildren.  How can I allow my grief to miss their joy of this season, because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and I wouldn’t want to regret missing this time with them..

So I truly hope this will help you in some small way, as it has helped me since Bobby’s death in 2009… It's not easy, but sometimes if we look at things a little differently, it can help us to overcome our fear and anticipation... Cherie Houston

Another View of the Holidays

~ Written by —Jim Hobbs, Jesse’s Father, Denton, TX, From “Where are All the Butterflies?” – BP/Bereaved Parents

Every time I sit down to write my remarks, I like to believe that I’m a wizened old soul who knows other’s pain and how to soften it. That’s what I’d like to believe; but in truth, I’m only half right. I am an old soul who knows other’s pain. With the anticipation of the approaching holidays in mind, pain may become much greater for bereaved families. Having survived two of the holiday seasons since my son Jesse’s death, I can tell you that in my case, the anticipation was the worst part. When Christmas day ended last year, my wife and I were amazed that it had not been nearly as dreadful as we had imagined that it would be. Jesse has not been with us physically these past two years, but his memory will always be sharing our Christmases.

A part of my Christmas will be spent remembering. Memories certainly don’t erase the pain or make up for the physical absence, but one line from the play Steel Magnolias, was “I’d rather have thirty minutes of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special.” That line reminds me that I have three whole really wonderful Christmas days to remember as long as I live, wherever I go.

Grandparents Grieving at the Holidays

Worth repeating for all our grandparents who are grieving for their grandchidlren (and their children who are mourning) at this difficult time of year...

Grandparents Grieving at the Holidays

~ Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

"When a grandchild dies, grandparents grieve twice. They mourn the loss of the child and they feel the pain of their own child's suffering. Sometimes we forget about the grandparents when a child dies. You can help by not forgetting, by offering the grandparents your love, support and presence in the weeks, months and years to come."

When a grandchild dies, the grandparent often mourns the death on many levels. The grandparent probably loved the child dearly and may have been very close to him or her. The death has created a hole in the grandparent's life that cannot be filled by anyone else.

Grieving grandparents are also faced with witnessing their child-the parent of the child who died-mourn the death. A parent's love for a child is perhaps the strongest of all human bonds. For the parents of the child who died, the pain of grief may seem intolerable. For the grandparents, watching their own child suffer so and feeling powerless to take away the hurt can feel almost as intolerable.

All of the “year end holidays” – Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza (and other significant days-such as the child’s birthday and anniversary of their death) can be very difficult for grandparents.  These holidays and events emphasize again the pain of the grandchild's absence. This pain and sense of loss are natural extensions of the grief process.  It can be even more painful when no one seems to “remember” but them.  Don’t hesitate to speak of your grandchild – others may not want to make you sad, so they may feel it is better not to mention the name – when you do, it allows them the chance to remember with you…

If you know of a grandparent who has suffered this most horrific loss, remember that parents and grandparents alike almost always enjoy hearing the child’s name and are grateful when others remember their child - Your visits, notes or even a quick phone call from someone who “remembers the child” is so comforting, appreciated and offers healing for their broken heart.. It’s wonderful to use the name of the child who died in your personal note and in talking to the grandparent.

Hearing that name can be comforting, and it confirms that you have not forgotten this important child whom the grandparent loved and misses so much

Holiday Relief

I continue to be amazed at how many people are reading our blog and from so many different parts of world... WOW is all I can say...  and I’m just as amazed and thankful for all the wonderful articles so many of you continue to send to me to share with other moms..  I've been surprised bu the number of articles our readers have sent to us with advice on how to get through the holidays and I’m doing my best to post as many as possible..  Thank you and if I don’t share yours this year, I’m saving each and everyone to share at sometime in the future – so thank you. 

I want to thank Deidra Forthingham for the following article.  Deidra recently moved to Tempe, AZ from London, England and lost her only child, 14 year old Michael, who drowned while at camp, in August 2003.. Cherie Houston

Finding Relief Through the Holidays

~ by Clara Hinton

Losing a child changes everything about how a family thinks, sees, tastes, touches, and feels life. Experiences become strangely new and at times so different that it is sometimes frightening. Traditions and times of family fun that once seemed so routine, now feel oddly painful and lonely. Families often find themselves seeking ways to get through the holidays, instead of planning for holiday celebrations with past anticipation and joy.

Probably the first coping mechanism, and the most useful, is to accept the fact that losing a child does change things. Families often change best friends, seeking the support of those who can identify with individual as well as collective needs of the family. Sometimes families change churches. Often, worshiping at the same church is an emotional pain that is too hard to bear. 

Sometimes family members even change jobs, finding it easier to make the work more bearable with a new beginning. It is, therefore, reasonable and necessary to change some of how the family traditionally celebrated the holidays. Losing a child brings about many changes!

Don't place undue expectations on yourselves as a family. When your child died, a very real part of your identity as a family ended, too. Acknowledge that you are now in the very difficult position of holding fast to memories of someone you loved so very much in order to keep that precious child alive within your family. Not everyone will understand, and that often leaves hurt feelings, distances between friends, and even broken relationships within the extended family. Adjusting to the loss of a child is so very difficult for everyone.

Because you miss your child so much, yet you want to still have your holiday season be a time of celebration and joy, you are faced with a most difficult dilemma. Especially hard is facing the first holiday without your child. There will be a unique emptiness felt by each family member.

By including your child in the holiday, you will find that, even though it is painful, you will also feel some healing with your family take place. Many families have found it very healing to buy a gift for the child who has died. Place a holiday stocking on the mantle, and include small gifts in it such as a family journal, a picture frame, or a memorial candle. It is healing to include your child in the holiday in a special way.

Use the child's name when talking. Give family members permission to cry. Nobody expects you to be a super hero, so don't try to be one. It's healing to say, "I miss my baby so much, and I really wish she was with us!" Hold each other up as a family. When we try to deny our sorrow, often the pain only is intensified. Accept grief as a reality, and help each other through the pain.

Do things different, and don't be afraid to break old holiday traditions. Make this your year to begin a new holiday tradition. Maybe buy one really outlandish gift that can be wrapped and re-wrapped year after year. Continue to include that particular gift in the annual family gift exchange. Think of something different that is unique to you as a family. It will help break the heavy grief, and aid you in finding some momentary relief from your pain of loss.

Remind yourselves as a family that there will be a time when things will feel okay again. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will be able to choose remembering the joy your loved one brought into the family rather than only remembering the grief of the day your child died. When a family celebrates love, the pain becomes less intense, and you will begin to feel relief.


~ Clara Hinton is a Certified Grief Facilitator, founder of The Silent Grief Website, and the author of four books, including Silent Grief. She is the author of a weekly newletter and has contributed to Christian Woman and Church and Family magazines. Clara speaks on college campuses on grief and is a keynote speaker at women's retreats. She has been interviewed on radio stations across the nation and appeared on various TV programs. Clara is a stay-at-home mother of eleven children and wife of 31 years