Thursday, December 29, 2011

Another trigger that awakens the pain of losing our children

Today, on what should have been my daughter Robin Marie's 40th birthday, I can't help by wonder what might have been had she not died of SIDS when she was so little.  Robin was not quite 8 moths old when she left her dad, and I and her little baby brother Ric (Ric was just 9 1/2 months older than Robin - "Irish Twins" they were always called). 

Yes on July 31st, 1972, we began the grieving process for the second time for the second of our children in less than 2 years... Ric's twin sister Randee Marie had died the day after they were born 12 weeks prematurely on March 16th March 1971... And as most of you know, just a little over 2 years ago on September 19th, 2009, our 36 year old son Robert died - We had joyously welcomed Bobby in August 1973, a year after Robin's death..  I've heard it said it's a blessing that we don't know what the future holds, and oh we've all heard all the other cliches - God only gives you as much as you can bear, it was meant to be, thank god you have other children - the endless list of "comments" recited only by those people who have been fortunate enough to have never known this horrific pain..

So today as we lay roses on Robin's grave, where she lays with her baby sister and big brother, there is a little comfort in knowing I'm not alone..  I know too well, that my heartache & grief , as unbearable as it is from time to time, knows no boundaries - race, color, creed, age of children - no death doesn't discriminate - it simply happens... 

As my heart aches for my 3 children who all died much too soon and "all that might or should have been", each time another child dies, it "triggers" the paniful grief that hides and buries itself deep inside my soul, a pain that is something we learn to suppress, because I'm sure that if each of us didn't learn to do this, there are days when we wouldn't get of bed, never mind continue on as we must.. 

But all too often, when another child dies and someone we know (or even may not know) begins their heartbreaking grief journey, that childs death and awakens our pain ~ a pain which comes raging from those depths and that's how I feel today..  Yesterday, while Dan and I were away with 8 of our 9 grandchildren for a mini-vacation, a high school friend of our son Ric, Joshua and his wife Kristin, laid their only daughter to rest; their beautiful 17 year old daughter Molly. Molly turned 17 on Dec 17th, just 5 days prior to her tragic death in a horrible auto accident, on December 21st.  Molly was their only baby girl ~  just a senior in high school with her whole life yet to be lived.  Molly spent her first Christmas in heaven even before her family had the chance to say goodbye and lay her to rest... 

Our Christmas was wonderful this year with our wonderful 9 grandchildren, 4 sons, 5 daughter-in-laws and a wonderful network of extended family and friends.  However for our family, and I'm sure many who knew Joshua and Krisitn and their family, we couldn't shake the sense of dread for the pain we knew Joshua, Kristin - their only remaining child Nicholas and their entire family were going through, during what should be a joyous season.

For me, I cried for them not just for these initial few days and weeks which I know are so terribly difficult, but more so for the days, months and years that I know that lay ahead for all of them - the responses to Molly college applications, celebrations of her teams soccer season, graduation in June, when all her friends leave for college in the fall - the list that will ramble on for many many years to come..  Yes the pain that will continue for all those moments yet to come when the "what if's" and "if only's" and "should have beens" will take their breath away for the very sad & heartbreaking wrong reasons... 

As the new year approaches, my wish for Joshua and Kristin and for each of you and for myself, is that somehow we will find within ourselves the strength to persevere, to move ahead, to find peace and joy, but accepting the fact that when it is turn for another parent to say goodbye to their child, that like it or not we will relive the pain and the grief, for them and for ourselves and for all that should have been, but will never be...

No, none of knows what the future holds, but it is our responsibility to be there to help ease the pain for those who will need us and to live our lives as happily as we can in memory of and as a testament to our children who have gone too soon, and just as importantly for our family members who are alive and well and deserve our attention and all the love we can muster...

I feel as though I'm babbling a bit, but this year has been a difficult one for our family and many extended family & friends who have sadly goodbye to their young children (most in their 30's and very early 40's-our own children's ages), and it's been difficult sometimes to cope with what we know they are going through and have ahead of them... 

I truly hope and pray that as we welcome the New Year in just a few days, that somehow in someway, we will each find peace and a love filled year ahead and find a way to be grateful for all that we still have and all that was...

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