SEASONS OF GRIEF (Part 3 of 3)

~ by Sandy Goodman

When my son died in 1996, I had no other option but to change my thinking. I could not live another day presuming he no longer existed. By saying to myself often I am changing my perception of death, I announced to the universe and my higher self that I intended to change what I believed. I placed my intent, reached for it, and settled for nothing less.

I began searching for and finding information to support my new perception. I read books about life after death, mediumship, after death communication, spirituality, and reincarnation. I perused websites, joined email lists, and joined chats where these topics were addressed. I found like-minded friends who understood what I was feeling. I observed mediumship activities on television, at seminars, and on the Internet. I began to support my new belief system with knowledge.

I invited experiences by talking to Jason and asking him to come to me in a dream or to give me a sign of his presence. I meditated and made myself more aware of that which isn't seen or touched. I opened up a doorway of possibility and welcomed all that came from love to enter.

Finally, I accepted what happened and expressed gratitude. When the lights went off and then on again for no apparent reason, I was quick to say "thank you." If I was only thanking the power company, it didn't matter. No one knew. The more I accepted as real, the more I experienced. We hear often that "seeing is believing," but this is about "believing is seeing."

My journey has been both desolate and inspiring. There have been moments when I thought the cold and darkness would never end, and moments when tears of joy washed away the pain and light permeated my being. I invite you to walk the path of grief a little differently: to nurture winter's bleakness and look deep into its purpose. And just as we must think differently to see winter's grace, we must think differently to see the gift of grief. It is there, buried beneath a frozen crust that protects and restores while the winter of our soul . . . ensues.

Note: Sandy Goodman is the author of Love Never Dies: A Mothers Journey from Loss to Love (Jodere Group, 2002), and the founder and chapter leader of the Wind River Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. She has presented at national conferences for The Compassionate Friends, Bereaved Parents of the USA and the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors.

SEASONS OF GRIEF (Part 2 of 3)

~ by Sandy Goodman

My grief transformed me. It tore out everything within me and said There! It is GONE! What are you going to do? You have NOTHING LEFT TO HANG ON TO! You must begin again. You must change.

And change is what I did. As winter alters the earth, my grief changed me. It gave me a period of time to step back from living and just be, a space in my existence to feel only that which I needed to feel. It was a time for reflection, reprioritizing, and searching. Without it, I would remain as empty as a garden that never rests.

"But it was painful, horrifying, and devastating," you say. "How can you be thankful for such a thing?"

Grief, like winter, freezes our world. Both appear painful, horrifying, and devastating, but it is our preparation for, reaction to, and perception of that creates our discomfort. It is our need to label that which appraises discomfort as bad. If we deny that death is possible for those we love, we will be stunned and terrified by its occurrence. If we react to the first blizzard of winter with panic and fear, we will be too afraid to honor its power. If we perceive a fatal ice storm as an act of God, we will shake our fist at Him and spend more time than we have asking why. And if we distinguish death as the end of a loved one's existence, we will be eternally saddened by their absence.

The path to spring, to the end of winter, requires only our patience and perseverance. The path to healing requires that and more: it requires that we learn to think differently.

We are a society that fears death. We consider it an end to life, love, and all that came before. Those who die either cease to be, or they exist in a place that is unavailable to us. It is not surprising that fear is present. However, if we alter our beliefs, we can then change our preparation for, reaction to, and perception of death. If we come to know that death is a change in form and not an end, we will not eliminate the winters of our grieving, but we will lessen our suffering.

Note: Sandy Goodman is the author of Love Never Dies: A Mothers Journey from Loss to Love (Jodere Group, 2002), and the founder and chapter leader of the Wind River Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. She has presented at national conferences for The Compassionate Friends, Bereaved Parents of the USA and the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors.

SEASONS OF GRIEF (Part 1 of 3)

~ by Sandy Goodman

It is winter today. There is no sun, not even a flash of light to focus on. The air has become murky as if it has solidified, losing its clarity. Ice covers everything, smothering any life that might have been. Staring out my window, I compare the bite of winter to my grief: the coldness, the shadows, and my reluctance to breathe in any more discomfort. Grief, like winter, appears uninvited and unwelcome. We abhor the pain and wonder why we must endure the distress, while all along we feel the imminent arrival.

Winter compels the earth to rest. Everything stops struggling, stops performing, and sleeps. Abruptly, nature's need to "do" is gone and "being" is all that is necessary. All that was living before appears lifeless. The leaves disappear from the trees, flowers no longer grace our gardens, and the grass is entombed by snow. But what is going on beneath that which we see? Are the flowers really gone, or are they only changing . . . becoming new, becoming different?

I ponder how much further I dare go with this. Can I contend that grief, like winter, is a gift? Can I talk about the metamorphosis of grief, and contemplate gratitude for its presence? I do not know, but that is where my thoughts are leading me.

Grief necessitates a sabbatical from living. We stop struggling, stop performing, and freeze. Our compulsion to "do" dissolves, and "being" is all that is possible. Our life as we knew it disappears, dreams are shattered, and our hearts are ripped from us in the blink of an eye. We are gone, lost in our grief. But what is transpiring in our heart? Is everything gone, or is it only changing . . . becoming new, becoming different?

Grief is harsher than winter. The tasks of daily living are amplified, and what was once soft and blurred becomes sharp and ragged. While winter invariably ends and I remember that spring will arrive, grief makes no such promise. I must wait without assurance. There are moments when winter is beautiful: a blanket of fresh snow on Christmas morning or the surprise of a warm breeze in February. There are nights when winter is hard and ugly, when temperatures plummet and the howl of the wind threatens our sanity. Grief is the same. A special memory comes into my heart and grief becomes bittersweet . . . beautiful. Then, a letter addressed to my son arrives in the mail, and I am back to the harsh reality that he is gone.

Note: Sandy Goodman is the author of Love Never Dies: A Mothers Journey from Loss to Love (Jodere Group, 2002), and the founder and chapter leader of the Wind River Chapter of The Compassionate Friends. She has presented at national conferences for The Compassionate Friends, Bereaved Parents of the USA and the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors.

WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME

~ by David M Romano

When tomorrow starts without me, And I'm not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me,

I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,

While thinking of the many things, We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, As much as I love you,

and each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me, Please try to understand,

That an angel came and called my name, And took me by the hand,

and said my place was ready, In heaven far above,

And that I'd have to leave behind All those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, A tear fell from my eye

For all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for, So much left yet to do,

It seemed almost impossible, That I was leaving you.

I thought of all the yesterdays, The good ones and the bad,

I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had

If I could re-live yesterday, Just even for a while,

I'd say good-bye and kiss you, And maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized, That this could never be,

For emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss come tomorrow,

I thought of you, and when I did, My heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home

When God looked down and smiled at me, From His great golden throne.

He said, "This is eternity, And all I've promised you."

Today your life on earth is past, But here life starts anew

I promise no tomorrow, But today will always last,

And since each day's the same way, there's no longing for the past.

You have been so faithful, so trusting and so true.

Though there were times you did some things, you knew you shouldn't do.

But you have been forgiven and now at last you're free.

So won't you come and take my hand and share my life with me?

So when tomorrow starts without me, Don't think we're far apart,

For every time you think of me, I'm right here, in your heart.

Celebrating the memory

~ Written By Joanne Cacciatore, PhD, MSW, FT, Founder of the www.missfoundation.org, in Peoria, AZ, after the loss of her child, Migi

To let go of the pain does not mean we have forgotten the child who has gone ahead of us. There are many ways to keep our children alive in our hearts and in the hearts of other people as well. There are rituals we can perform or little things we can do to keep the relationship with the one who has gone ahead of us.

Migi had always been fascinated with dinosaurs, and in the first year after his death, I found myself buying every little dinosaur book that I could find in the bookstore. Perhaps this was my way of coping and remembering him. I've since ceased to shop for the books, but the collection remains in a chest filled with his favorite toys.

This experience reminds me of a sad story I heard about a lady whose only daughter died at birth. For many years until she had a child again, she would buy a doll during her daughter's birthday and bring that to her grave. Her family and neighbors could not understand the gesture, and thought she was going out of her mind.

It was only many years later, when she told the story to her counselor, and the counselor said, "What a lovely gesture" that she broke down and cried. All those years she had been hurting from the comments of neighbors and friends, and it was only when this one person appreciated and understood what she had been doing, was she able to work through her grief.

There are countless ways to celebrate the memory of a beloved child. On a birthday, for example, you can release balloons or plant a tree in your garden in his or her honor.

You can also do something nice for the young patients at the hospital where your child died (if the child passed away in a hospital), or celebrate his memory by spending the day with less fortunate children and doing your bit to help them. You can also begin a crusade or an awareness campaign if the death was a violent one or a tragic one.

I have found that it is in reaching out to others, in stepping out of the shadow of one's sadness that one is also able to heal. Investing oneself in activities that give meaning to the loss helps alleviate the pain and aids in building a new life that would keep the memory alive and well in our hearts and, I am certain, make our children proud.

Don’t Say You’re ‘Fine’ When You’re Not

by Sandy Fox on December 19, 2009

When we are on a grief journey and someone asks us, “How are you feeling?” the tendency is to say, “I’m fine.” But we’re not fine, and one of my friends pointed that out to me a few months after my daughter died. She said in a rather exasperated voice, “You’re not fine and don’t say you are!”

I was briefly taken aback and then realized she was right. Why say you’re “fine” when you’re not? From that point on, I told the truth. My answer became, “I’m doing the best I can. Each day is a challenge and I try to get through it as best as I can.”

What a relief it was to tell it like it was. According to author and grief counselor, Dr. Lou LaGrand, grief is a normal human response that seeks expression when the person is facing massive change due to the death of a loved one. If you try to pretend you are doing well when you’re not, you’ll guarantee that the pain will spill out in unexpected ways.  He says, “You will not only prolong the intensity of your grief process, you will add loads of unnecessary suffering to legitimate pain and sadness.” He suggests five essentials used by millions of mourners who have found peace through expression. I paraphrase and add my own comments:

First, admit you are hurting, tell it like it is. Don’t suppress or repress the things you feel because it won’t make you look good. Suppression and repression are the two actions that often lead to reactive depression when mourning.

Second, cry when you feel like it, no matter how long it continues and no matter who is watching. You have lost something very precious to you and can’t bear the thought of never seeing them again. Crying relieves pent up emotions and allows you to breathe normally and relax eventually.

Third, being alone in a quiet place is good for you for short periods of time. It gives you time to reflect on the relationship you have now lost. But don’t become isolated. That is not of help in the grief process. You need to be around others to seek their advice and help. At grief group meetings, hearing how others cope can help you along in your own journey.

Fourth, examine some literature about other mourners who were convinced they had a sign or message from a deceased loved one. Explore the possibility. Many do believe in life after death. At a recent Compassionate Friends national conference where I spoke, I was fortunate to hear another speaker whose son died. He showed us proof of the fact that we get signs from our children who have left us that they will always be around for us.

Finally, there is a wide range of normalcy in grieving. Grieve at whatever pace seems right for you even if you find yourself going from a good day to a bad one. When we choose to love, we automatically choose to grieve. And although the person is no longer physically present, love never dies; it lives on forever. Follow your own agenda. The history of loss shows you will survive. “Treasure what you have—a way to peace, knowing that your loved one lives on through you and what you have learned from your experience with him or her.”

- Sandy Fox is the author of “I Have No Intention of Saying Good-bye.” The book tells the stories of 25 sets of parents and how they moved on with their lives after the death of their child offering hope and survival techniques. Sandy, who taught high school for 28 years and also received many awards for her writing, has been a journalist and freelance writer her whole life and now enjoys speaking to bereavement groups around the country, trying to help others through their grief journey. She has been head of two national bereavement conferences for childless parents in the last four years. Her web site is www.sandyfoxauthor.com for additional book information, and her blog site for information, thoughts and personal stories on surviving grief is www.survivinggrief.blogspot.com. Sandy can be contacted at sfoxaz@hotmail.com

You Know You’re Getting Better When...

By Helen Fitzgerald, CT

Helen Fitzgerald is a Certified Thanatologist, author and lecturer. Her books include The Grieving Child: A Parents' Guide , The Mourning Handbook and The Grieving Teen . She has appeared on the CBS Morning Show and the NBC Today Show and was previously the director of training for the American Hospice Foundation. You can ask Helen a question about dealing with grief and loss by visiting Ask Helen on the American Hospice Foundation website.

The progress through grief is so slow, and so often of a "one step forward and two steps backwards" motion, that it is difficult to see signs of improvement. The following are clues that will help you to see that you are beginning to work through your grief:

• You are in touch with the finality of the death. You now know in your heart that your loved one is truly gone and will never return to this earth.

• You can review both pleasant and unpleasant memories. In early grief, memories are painful because they remind you of how much you have lost. Now it feels good to remember, and you look for people to share memories with.

• You can enjoy time alone and feel comfortable. You no longer need to have someone with you all the time or look for activities to keep you distracted.

• You can drive somewhere by yourself without crying the whole time. Driving seems to be a place where many people cry, which can be dangerous for you and other drivers.

• You are less sensitive to some of the comments people make. You realize that painful comments made by family or friends are made in ignorance.

• You look forward to holidays. Once dreaded occasions can now be anticipated with excitement, perhaps through returning to old traditions or creating new ones.

• You can reach out to help someone else in a similar situation. It is healing to be able to use your experience to help others.

• The music you shared with the one you lost is no longer painful to hear. Now, you may even find it comforting.

• You can sit through a church service without crying.

• Some time passes in which you have not thought of your loved one. When this first happens, you may panic, thinking, "I am forgetting." This is not true. You will never forget. You are giving yourself permission to go on with your life and your loved one would want you to do this.

• You can enjoy a good joke and have a good laugh without feeling guilty.

• Your eating, sleeping, and exercise patterns return to what they were beforehand.

• You no longer feel tired all the time.

• You have developed a routine or a new schedule in your daily life that does not include your loved one.

• You can concentrate on a book or favorite television program. You can even retain information you have just read or viewed.

• You no longer have to make daily or weekly trips to the cemetery. You now feel comfortable going once a month or only on holidays or other special occasions.

• You can find something to be thankful for. You always knew there were good things going on in your life, but they didn't matter much before.

• You can establish new and healthy relationships. New friends are now part of your life and you enjoy participating in activities with them.

• You feel confident again. You are in touch with your new identity and have a stronger sense of what you are going to do with the rest of your life.

• You can organize and plan your future.

• You can accept things as they are and not keep trying to return things to what they were.

• You have patience with yourself through "grief attacks." You know they are becoming further apart and less frightening and painful.

• You look forward to getting up in the morning.

• You stop to smell the flowers along the way and enjoy experiences in life that are meant to be enjoyed.

• The vacated roles that your loved one filled in your life are now being filled by yourself or others. When a loved one dies he or she leaves many "holes" in your life. Now those holes are being filled with other people and activities, although some will remain empty. You are more at ease with these changes.

• You can take the energy and time spent thinking about your loss and put those energies elsewhere, perhaps by helping others in similar situations or making concrete plans with your own life.

• You acknowledge your new life and even discover personal growth from experiencing grief.

The You Know You’re Getting Better When article was originally published on the American Hospice Foundation website. © 2002

OUR 3RD ANNUAL "A JOURNEY TO JOY" RETREAT "Spreading Their Love"

 Openings: We still have ten (10) spots opens for any mother who would like to join us for  our Annual Retreat Next Month - So Please Join Us..

• When: Friday, Feb 26th at 3pm until Sunday, Feb. 28th at 12N
• Where: Stagecoach Trails Guest Ranch, 19985 S. Doc Holiday Rd, Yucca, AZ 86438 www.stgr.com
• Cost: $175.00 for weekend, which includes 2 nights lodging, meals and all materials
• Balance: Must be paid in full no later than Jan. 28, 2010 
• Checks: Please make checks payable to: "A Journey to JOY," and mailed to:

"A Journey to JOY"

Attn.: Debbie

P.O. Box 980, LHC, AZ 86405

Questions: please contact Joyce Floyd @ (928) 453-7940 or texaslady@rraz.net

We all agree this is a great spot for rest & relaxation, but we chose this wonderful spot for our annual retreat, not as a spa weekend, but a special place of healing for moms wanting to partake in all that is offered to help them on their special journey to joy.. We are grateful that each and every mom participating in this weekend agrees to take part in all the events planned, including the presentation by our special guest Carla Blowey and the Candlelight Ceremony, so that together we can continue on our journey....

Our Special Guest, Carla Blowey, has been dreaming for over forty years. At age 33, she entered the most challenging time of her life when the death of her five-year-old son, Kevin, and the nightmare that predicted it, forced her to reexamine her perceptions about grief, death and the afterlife. Dreaming Kevin became a valuable tool for healing those misperceptions and reclaiming her life. In the midst of changing diapers, facilitating bereavement support groups, and teaching her oldest daughter to drive, she answered the call to write Dreaming Kevin. Carla lives in Colorado with her husband, their two youngest children, and their golden retriever.  Vist her website: http://www.dreamingkevin.com/

From Healing After Loss

~ by Martha Whitmore Hickman

And time remembered is grief forgotten,
And frosts are slain and flowers begotten.
And in green underwood and cover
Blossom by blossom the spring begins.
 ~ Algemon Charles Swinburne

Though we can scarcely believe it when our grief is new, there will come a time when what we remember will not be the so-sorrowful occasion of death, but the rich and happy times in the life of our beloved one.

It won’t happen all at once, any more than winter passes in one glorious sunny day that takes away all the cold and melts the snow. But one day, just as crocuses and daffodils appear one at a time as solitary harbingers of spring, we will find ourselves smiling (laughing, even!) as we remember our loved one. The lift of that memory is, for a while at least, far removed from the overriding sadness we’ve known. “Blossom by blossom,” memory by memory, the springtime returns.

Somewhere in the midst of my grief is the confidence that spring will come again.

How to Use Our Blog

~ Cherie Houston (hope this will help you save what you see on the blog)

How do I use a BLOG?? this recent question from a mother is one we are sure many of you may be asking..

All BLOGS are intended to be "informational" just like any newsletter you might receive. But in addition to reading the "posts-otherwise called articles" that we publish on our BLOG, you can also copy any of the "post/articles" and save them to your word processing files so you can then print them and you can comment on what we've said in a specific "post/article" - The how to's are noted below..

• To copy a post/article to be able to change the size and/or print: highlight any portion of the post/article - activate the paste command, now open or go to your word processing program and on a clean piece of paper - activate the paste command. What you had highlighted will now be n the page and you can change the font size and style and note - that you might want to change the color of the entire post/article to BLACK because most blogs use a light gray print (even though it may look black)... Once it is the way you want it, you can go to File, Save As, Open or Create the specific folder you want it saved in - remember to give it a name that will make it easy for you to find in the future.. and you can now print it...
• To comment on a "post/article" that has been written - note that beneath each "post/article", you will see the word comment - and when you left on the phrase "comment" it will take you to a dialog box, so you can type your comments about the "post" article that you have just read...

"It is Better to Have Loved and Lost Than......"

“It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” This quote from Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27 written in 1850 is something most of us  have heard and no doubt we would agree with them.  And most of us agree that love is never broken – not even by death. It's sad then that some people feel that if they are happy – if they laugh or smile – after a loss of someone they loved, that they are somehow betraying their loved one.  Instead - believe that the best way to honor someone, especially those we love, is to live a good life – to laugh & smile, to love, and to do whatever possible to make the world a better place.

No doubt we will have difficult days, and of course we all wish that things could have been different? And yes we all agree that life isn’t fair, but isn't it still a wonderful life?  After all, how blessed were we to have this child in our lives ~ from the moment we knew we were expecting ~ he or she was our child, no matter how short the time ~ of yes, we were so lucky and so blessed.  Now, we all must do our best to move thru the pain so that we will not stay stuck in it. Tomorrow will always be better and we must remember that we can't deny our feelings for if we do, they may subside for a time, but they will return with a vengeance at some other time.

The pain and heartbreak we feel with the loss of our child is inevitable and often overwhelming, but suffering is optional – it’s a choice we make.. As we continue on this journey and move thru and out of the darkness, we can see the light of joy and happiness and learn to smile often and enjoy life. No doubt, if we had the chance to speak to our children and ask for their advice, they would tell us for sure that they are happier and more at peace than they’ve ever been before. I would also trust that they would encourage us to be happy ~ to enjoy our precious time here and to try not to waste time suffering in sorrow… Our greatest gift to our children and to ourselves is to find peace and happiness and to live a good life.

AM I GOING CRAZY - Part 3 of 3

AM I GOING CRAZY? Part 3 of 3
By Russell Friedman and John W. James @ legacy.com “Grief Recovery Handbook”

Normal and Natural — Not Crazy
The reduced ability to concentrate; the disruption of sleeping and eating patterns; and the roller coaster of emotions are all normal and natural reactions to death. There is nothing crazy about them or you.

Those reactions usually diminish within time as you adapt to life without the person who died. But time doesn’t heal emotional wounds, nor does it complete anything that may have been left emotionally unfinished when the person died. Sometimes it’s just the feeling of wanting to have said one more “I love you and goodbye.” Sometimes it is a more complex set of communications that would include apologies, forgiveness, and significant emotional statements.

It is always helpful to discover and complete anything that was left unfinished. Doing so will allow you to have fond memories not turn painful. It will also help you remember your person the way you knew them in life. And it will help you continue a life of meaning and value, even though it is altered by the absence of he person who died.

Above all, allow yourself to be out of rhythm. As we said, be careful when you’re driving and be cautious when making major decisions. Be gentle with yourself as you make your re-entry back into the flow of your life. But don’t judge yourself harshly because you are having any or all of the reactions we mentioned.

AM I GOING CRAZY - Part 2 of 3

AM I GOING CRAZY? Part 2 of 3
By Russell Friedman and John W. James @ legacy.com “Grief Recovery Handbook”

When Your Heart Is Broken, Your Head Doesn’t Work Right

Along with not being able to concentrate, your thinking ability and judgment may be limited. That’s why grieving people are advised to be careful about making major life decisions in the aftermath of the death of someone important to them. To put it in simple terms, when your heart is broken, your head doesn’t work right. You must take care either not to make big decisions until you regain your ability to focus, or you must make sure you have people you trust to help you understand your choices and the consequences of what you decide.

There are other common physiological reactions to grief. Sleeping habits are often disrupted for an extended period of time. You may find yourself unable to sleep, or you may not be able to get out of bed. You can even go back and forth between those extremes. Eating patterns are also subject to confusion. You may not be able to eat at all, or you may not be able to stop. You can also ping-pong between those extremes. Sleeping and eating disruptions aren’t as common as the reduced ability to concentrate, but they can be really uncomfortable. If they happen, it also doesn’t mean you’re going crazy. It just means that your routines and habits are out of synch.

Another common grief reaction is best described as a roller coaster of emotions. It can be a wild ride, with tremendous emotional shifts. But, like concentration and the eating and sleeping issues, that roller coaster is one of the typical responses to the death of someone important to you. Don’t fight it, just go along for the ride, no matter how bumpy it might be. When it happens, it’s a good idea to call a friend, and talk about what you’re feeling. Talking about what you’re experiencing helps make sure you don’t trap your feelings inside.

AM I GOING CRAZY - Part 1 of 3

During our grief journey, there are times when we wonder if we are "going crazy" - About 6 weeks after our son Bobby died this past September 19th, 2009, when I was convinced that not only was I going crazy but that I wouldn't survive the loss, I  happened on this article which I want to share with you - it has become a favorite during those times when the pain seems overwhelming -  I know it's so important that we remember that we're "not going crazy" we are simply on a journey, a journey from mourning to joy..Cherie Houston

AM I GOING CRAZY? Part 1 of 3
By Russell Friedman and John W. James @ legacy.com “Grief Recovery Handbook”

For most people, the immediate response to the death of someone important to them is a sense of numbness. After that initial numbness wears off, the most common physiological reaction is a reduced ability to concentrate. The rest of the world goes out of focus. Nothing else is important.

It is normal and natural that your entire being is centered on what happened and your relationship with the person who died. The length of time that the reduced ability to concentrate lasts is individual and can vary from a few days to several months, and even longer. It is not a sign that there’s something wrong with you. The fact that the emotional impact of the death of that person has altered your day-to-day routines is very healthy. It would make no sense for you to not be affected by the death.

It is normal to drift out of focus in response to conscious or unconscious memories of the person who died. Please be gentle with yourself in allowing that your focus is not on the actions of life, but on your reactions to a death.

If you’re at work, you can take little “grief breaks” as needed. It’s a good idea to establish a safe person at work who you can talk to when and if you get overwhelmed. It’s also smart to have a phone pal you can call when the emotions keep you from concentrating. The breaks and chats will make you able to do the work you need to do.

Please keep in mind that it’s important to focus while driving a car. It’s not safe to drive with tears in your eyes. If need be, pull over. Allow yourself to have whatever emotions come up, and maybe call someone and talk for a while before you get back on the road.

LETTER TO MOM

 ~ by Joy Curnutt

Mom, please don’t feel guilty

It was just my time to go.

I see you are still feeling sad,

And the tears just seem to flow.

We all come to earth for our lifetime,

And for some it’s not many years

I don’t want you to keep crying

You are shedding so many tears.

I haven’t really left you

Even though it may seem so.

I have just gone to my heavenly home,

And I’m closer than you know.

Just believe that when you say my name

I’m standing next to you,

I know you long to see me,

But there’s nothing I can do.

But I’ll still send you messages

And hope you understand,

That when your time comes to “cross over,”

I’ll be there to take your hand

Thoughts on Winter

~ TCF Chapter, Palo Alto, California

January, February, so cold, so crisp, so leafless. Beginning a NEW year, and a NEW beginning. You never lived in this year and that is new. Sometimes new is painful. January is also the month of resolutions and the only resolution we must make is that we must learn to live without our child. What a profound sadness that is! To love them so deeply, so passionately, so completely, only to have us part.

My child, did I ever tell you enough how much I loved you? I’ve wondered. Do we tell those we love how very much their life has meant to us? Probably we do not. Somehow we arrogantly believe that time goes on forever. It does. It’s just that people do not. We fail to recognize how entirely too brief some lives can be. You were not supposed to die. Death is reserved for others. How could you disappoint me? Didn’t you know that I had such plans for you? I didn’t want to face my own mortality. How cruel life was, using you to prove to me that we do indeed come to an end.

I don’t want to accept your death, but what choice have I left? Oh, I’ll mend, although mending sometimes means forgetting. I cannot put you aside, but already memories of you are fading. You know what I like best. When I’m given little tidbits of your life by those who knew you. What a bittersweet delight. Each piece of my jigsaw puzzle will eventually fit together. You will be the only missing piece. ~Dorothy Worrell, TCF, Palo Alto, CA

RESOLUTIONS FOR BEREAVED PARENTS

• I will enter the New Year with Hope
• I will let myself cry
• I will tell those I care about that I love them
• I will remember and let the memories provide smiles
• I will share my child with others
• I will watch more sunsets and listen to more bullfrogs
• I will hold onto my faith
• I will take time to reflect on my child’s short, but precious life
• I will eat chocolate
• I will not bury my grief
• I will take time for others
• I will take time for myself
• I will be kind to myself
• I will hold my head high, knowing that I am the parent of a very important and special child or children
• I will find value in life and cherish it, thus honoring my child and all that he/she fought for