~ Written by Jimmy Hinton - Mar 11, 2008 – published on www.silentgrief.com ~
This was written from a father’s perspective and I think it is beneficial for all of the mom’s to hear another side so that we don’t take their actions or inactions personally and remember that we all grieve differently…
Do you ever wonder why your husband sits, almost robotically, absorbed in his newspaper or television while you cry? Do you ever talk to him—no—pour your heart out to him only to get a blank stare back from him when what you so desperately needed was for him to comfort you? Have you ever wanted to shake him and ask, “Would you just feel the pain I’m feeling for one second?” Grief is like a chameleon and scorpion bred together. It blends into our lives so deviously that we almost don’t know how it rooted itself so deeply into our being. We hardly can see when it comes and goes. All we know is that it’s there, it’s complicated, and it’s real. Then when we put our guard down and things seem like they are going ok, it strikes us without warning. And it hurts.
This is partly why men seem like they’re “not with it” when grief strikes. From the beginning of time, men have been hardwired to be rough, gruff, hunting, farming, hands-on, work-things-out kind of people. Furthermore, men are hardwired to want to rescue their ladies. Women long to be rescued by a hero and that is why they need someone to listen, to care, and to comfort! Men, however, are completely thrown into confusion when grief strikes because there is no easy way to rescue a person from grief! I can listen to my wife for hours when she’s telling me about all the good things that happened to her throughout the day. But as soon as she starts sharing things that really hurt her, I clam up. I don’t know what to say or how to say it. So unfortunately, I usually say. . . nothing. Grief has no magical cure. A husband cannot come in and sweep his wife off her feet and lift her up to happiness. Grief completely confuses the man’s world.
Men, for the most part, are mechanical. By this I don’t mean mechanically inclined. A mechanical man, though he likes adventure and taking risks, needs life to run smoothly. He likes to know he can provide for his family, that he is secure in his job and relationships, and that his family respects him. When his wife is grieving a tremendous loss, his world is thrown so far out of balance that he literally doesn’t know how to function. This is when men slide into their default mode of working with their hands. They pick up the paper, they turn on the television or they go out to work in the garage.
Women, please understand that if a man is quiet or removes himself from the house, this does not mean that he isn’t hurting as bad as you are. In fact, chances are that he’s hurting worse. Men hate seeing their wives hurt. Men grieve in different ways—mostly they have to physically vent their frustration through different hobbies and they absolutely need some alone time.
Men, please understand that grief confuses the woman’s world as much as it confuses yours. The irony is that women need a shoulder to cry on, someone who listens, and for their husbands to be vulnerable and express their emotions—the very things most of us aren’t comfortable doing for them! Even if you don’t know what to say, I promise that if you take time to listen and cry with your wives, you will be their hero and new avenues for healing will be opened.
A support group for mothers experiencing the loss of a child. The death of our children at any age, from any circumstance is indeed one of the cruelest blows life has to offer. The journey through grief is long, dark, difficult and painful. But know that you will smile and find joy again; you will never forget your child, he or she will be in your heart and memories for as long as you live.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
I'M STILL HERE
~~Author Unknown
Mom, please don't mourn for me
I'm still here, though you don't see.
I'm right by your side each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.
My body is gone but I'm always near.
I'm everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart.
I'll never wander out of your sight,
I'm the brightest star on a summer night.
I'll never be beyond your reach.
I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.
I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around,
and the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond,
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.
I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring,
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.
When you start thinking there's no one to love you,
you can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.
I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep,
and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on a baby's face.
Just look for me, Mom, I'm everyplace!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
The Face of Courage, The Heart of Strength
~ By - Joanne Cacciatore, PhD, MSW, FT, Founder of the www.missfoundation.org, in Peoria, AZ
What characteristics define courageousness and strength? Many would say that courage is facing inherent fears. A person with an intense fear of heights would be courageous to parachute from an airplane, wouldn’t he? Instead of running from the debilitating fear, he stood and faced it. And what about strength? A person with demonstrative strength, perhaps a professional body builder, will not run from a challenge. He works out everyday, learning the skills necessary to increase his potential and toning muscles in preparation to lift that arduous bar bell.
The grief process has captivating similarities to the physical challenges posed to athletes. Yet, while athletes are admired and revered by society, many families in the grief process say they feel isolated within their own community. There is a misconception that compelling emotions should be repressed- that a person who openly shares tears is powerless and vulnerable.
There are those individuals brandishing the “carry-on-chin-up” stoic posture after a tragedy. Too often, these individuals are praised for their courage and strength. Some are commended on how well they are doing with pat-on-the-back encouragement. They have seemingly “carried on” with life, and put the tragedy and pain behind them. Some are admired for maintaining such unemotional composure, mistaking this “business-like” acumen for courage and strength. Others remain surreptitious with their emotions thinking others will view them as weak.
But take a look at the real defining characteristics of courage and strength. Does it take more courage and strength to bury the frightening and overwhelming emotions? Or does it take more courage and strength to deal with the grief- to look into the face of sorrow- to stare into the heart of pain? Those who have wept- really wept from the depths of the soul can answer that. Is there any emotion more harrowing, intimidating and physically exhausting as those experienced during those times of deep grief? Certainly not.
So which individual is truly the strong and courageous one? It must be the one who faces the pain full force- the one who has the courage to tell others the truth about their sorrow- the one who, instead of running, stands and faces the inconceivable challenges of grief- the one who isn’t afraid to share the raw emotions of grief with others, to encourage understanding and compassion- the one who will reach out to others in grief and help carry another.
Those are the defining attributes of true and indisputable courage and strength.
What characteristics define courageousness and strength? Many would say that courage is facing inherent fears. A person with an intense fear of heights would be courageous to parachute from an airplane, wouldn’t he? Instead of running from the debilitating fear, he stood and faced it. And what about strength? A person with demonstrative strength, perhaps a professional body builder, will not run from a challenge. He works out everyday, learning the skills necessary to increase his potential and toning muscles in preparation to lift that arduous bar bell.
The grief process has captivating similarities to the physical challenges posed to athletes. Yet, while athletes are admired and revered by society, many families in the grief process say they feel isolated within their own community. There is a misconception that compelling emotions should be repressed- that a person who openly shares tears is powerless and vulnerable.
There are those individuals brandishing the “carry-on-chin-up” stoic posture after a tragedy. Too often, these individuals are praised for their courage and strength. Some are commended on how well they are doing with pat-on-the-back encouragement. They have seemingly “carried on” with life, and put the tragedy and pain behind them. Some are admired for maintaining such unemotional composure, mistaking this “business-like” acumen for courage and strength. Others remain surreptitious with their emotions thinking others will view them as weak.
But take a look at the real defining characteristics of courage and strength. Does it take more courage and strength to bury the frightening and overwhelming emotions? Or does it take more courage and strength to deal with the grief- to look into the face of sorrow- to stare into the heart of pain? Those who have wept- really wept from the depths of the soul can answer that. Is there any emotion more harrowing, intimidating and physically exhausting as those experienced during those times of deep grief? Certainly not.
So which individual is truly the strong and courageous one? It must be the one who faces the pain full force- the one who has the courage to tell others the truth about their sorrow- the one who, instead of running, stands and faces the inconceivable challenges of grief- the one who isn’t afraid to share the raw emotions of grief with others, to encourage understanding and compassion- the one who will reach out to others in grief and help carry another.
Those are the defining attributes of true and indisputable courage and strength.
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Monday, February 22, 2010
COPING WITH GRIEF-Surviving Loss-10 Suggestions (Part 3 of 3)
~published by Western Washington University/09.04.2009
7. Take Time To Feel Good. Bereaved people are not sentenced to unhappiness. We are not born happy or unhappy. We learn to be happy by the way we adjust to life-crises and use the opportunities life gives us. We need to be patient and give ourselves time to learn and time to make mistakes. We especially need to affirm ourselves and pat ourselves on the back for every small thing we learn to do, for this is when we '”expand" ourselves. The death of a loved one affects our life-style and changes our self-image. Grief can rapidly shape us and help us discover a new independence and outlook on things.
8. Take Time To Make New Friends. Loneliness will be present in grief, and it might be nature's way of mending our broken hearts. Loneliness can also be transformed into solitude. That happens when we are not oppressed by our loneliness, but learn to live creatively with it by cultivating our inner resources and self-understanding. In the grief process, healing occurs when we take the step to move out of our safe boundaries and interact with others. Old friends might be there to offer security and comfort; new friends will be there to offer opportunities. We might meet these new people through a support group, a card club, or at a class. We need friends on the road to recovery.
9. Take Time To Laugh. In life there are as many reasons to laugh as there are to cry. In grief there is a time when our tears come with less frequency and intensity, and we learn to remember without crying. Laughter, on the other hand, helps us survive, and it helps us reenter life. Laughter helps us accept our limitations and develops hope in the present. Laughter defines our movement from helplessness to hopefulness.
10. Take Time To Give. A way to overcome our loneliness and pain is to be concerned about the loneliness and pain of others. People turn away from grief when they feel wanted and needed by the living. Being able to help someone gives us meaning. So if we find someone else who needs us it can be an opportunity for our own healing. Getting involved with others gives us the feeling that life goes on and takes us away from self-pity. Listening to someone, empathizing and sharing over the telephone, providing information or going out to lunch together are ways to give of yourself.
There is a tremendous wisdom that is accumulated in one’s encounter with grief, and it needs to be shared. Healing takes place when we turn our pain into a positive experience, and we realize that helping others is the key to helping ourselves. The road to recovery from grief, therefore, is to take time to do things which will enable us to give a renewed meaning to our lives. In grief, no one can take away our pain because no one can take away our love. The call of life is to learn to love…again
7. Take Time To Feel Good. Bereaved people are not sentenced to unhappiness. We are not born happy or unhappy. We learn to be happy by the way we adjust to life-crises and use the opportunities life gives us. We need to be patient and give ourselves time to learn and time to make mistakes. We especially need to affirm ourselves and pat ourselves on the back for every small thing we learn to do, for this is when we '”expand" ourselves. The death of a loved one affects our life-style and changes our self-image. Grief can rapidly shape us and help us discover a new independence and outlook on things.
8. Take Time To Make New Friends. Loneliness will be present in grief, and it might be nature's way of mending our broken hearts. Loneliness can also be transformed into solitude. That happens when we are not oppressed by our loneliness, but learn to live creatively with it by cultivating our inner resources and self-understanding. In the grief process, healing occurs when we take the step to move out of our safe boundaries and interact with others. Old friends might be there to offer security and comfort; new friends will be there to offer opportunities. We might meet these new people through a support group, a card club, or at a class. We need friends on the road to recovery.
9. Take Time To Laugh. In life there are as many reasons to laugh as there are to cry. In grief there is a time when our tears come with less frequency and intensity, and we learn to remember without crying. Laughter, on the other hand, helps us survive, and it helps us reenter life. Laughter helps us accept our limitations and develops hope in the present. Laughter defines our movement from helplessness to hopefulness.
10. Take Time To Give. A way to overcome our loneliness and pain is to be concerned about the loneliness and pain of others. People turn away from grief when they feel wanted and needed by the living. Being able to help someone gives us meaning. So if we find someone else who needs us it can be an opportunity for our own healing. Getting involved with others gives us the feeling that life goes on and takes us away from self-pity. Listening to someone, empathizing and sharing over the telephone, providing information or going out to lunch together are ways to give of yourself.
There is a tremendous wisdom that is accumulated in one’s encounter with grief, and it needs to be shared. Healing takes place when we turn our pain into a positive experience, and we realize that helping others is the key to helping ourselves. The road to recovery from grief, therefore, is to take time to do things which will enable us to give a renewed meaning to our lives. In grief, no one can take away our pain because no one can take away our love. The call of life is to learn to love…again
Saturday, February 20, 2010
COPING WITH GRIEF-Surviving Loss-10 Suggestions (Part 2 of 3)
~published by Western Washington University/09.04.2009
3. Take Time To Make Decisions. People who have been very dependent on the deceased find themselves lost in the world. They are afraid to give themselves direction, to make mistakes, to ask, to try. Yet making mistakes is the way in which we learn and develop trust in ourselves. We need to be patient with ourselves as we gradually learn to make decisions.
4. Take Time To Share. The greatest need of the bereaved is to have someone to share their pain, their memories and their sadness. In life, we can only accept that which we can share. Bereaved people need others to give them time and space to grieve. When you are grieving, you might need someone who looks backward, because the past, not the future, remains the source of comfort in the early stages of grief. Sharing our memories and feelings with people who are grieving themselves is especially helpful and therapeutic.
5. Take Time To Believe. To survive is to find meaning in suffering. Suffering that has meaning to it is endurable. However, meaning doesn't just happen. At times, our grief can shake up our faith. For many people, religion-- with its rituals, the promise of an afterlife and its community support--offers a comforting and strengthening base in the lonely encounter with helplessness and hopelessness. Our faith does not take away our grief but helps us live with it.
6. Take Time To Forgive. The feeling of guilt and the need for forgiveness accompany many of our experiences, especially those that have remained unfinished. We might feel guilty about what we did or didn't do, about the clues we missed, about the things we said or failed to say. As we review our lives and our relationship with the deceased, there will always be things which are less than ideal. We need to accept our imperfections and make peace with ourselves.
We cannot judge our yesterdays with the knowledge of today. So torturing ourselves for the things we did and wished we hadn't done, or dwelling on the things we didn't do, doesn't change anything. It only makes us miserable. We certainly need to own and express our anger, but there is also a need for forgiveness.
3. Take Time To Make Decisions. People who have been very dependent on the deceased find themselves lost in the world. They are afraid to give themselves direction, to make mistakes, to ask, to try. Yet making mistakes is the way in which we learn and develop trust in ourselves. We need to be patient with ourselves as we gradually learn to make decisions.
4. Take Time To Share. The greatest need of the bereaved is to have someone to share their pain, their memories and their sadness. In life, we can only accept that which we can share. Bereaved people need others to give them time and space to grieve. When you are grieving, you might need someone who looks backward, because the past, not the future, remains the source of comfort in the early stages of grief. Sharing our memories and feelings with people who are grieving themselves is especially helpful and therapeutic.
5. Take Time To Believe. To survive is to find meaning in suffering. Suffering that has meaning to it is endurable. However, meaning doesn't just happen. At times, our grief can shake up our faith. For many people, religion-- with its rituals, the promise of an afterlife and its community support--offers a comforting and strengthening base in the lonely encounter with helplessness and hopelessness. Our faith does not take away our grief but helps us live with it.
6. Take Time To Forgive. The feeling of guilt and the need for forgiveness accompany many of our experiences, especially those that have remained unfinished. We might feel guilty about what we did or didn't do, about the clues we missed, about the things we said or failed to say. As we review our lives and our relationship with the deceased, there will always be things which are less than ideal. We need to accept our imperfections and make peace with ourselves.
We cannot judge our yesterdays with the knowledge of today. So torturing ourselves for the things we did and wished we hadn't done, or dwelling on the things we didn't do, doesn't change anything. It only makes us miserable. We certainly need to own and express our anger, but there is also a need for forgiveness.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
COPING WITH GRIEF-Surviving Loss-10 Suggestions (Part 1 of 3)
~published by Western Washington University/09.04.2009
The loss of a loved one through death often requires adjustment in our way of looking at the world and our plans for living in it. It is a major disruption in our lives, and people's reactions differ. A positive self-image, an ability to relate easily, a faith to lean on and a willingness to take initiative are ways of being and interacting that can help people manage feelings of grief.
Grief therapist C.M. Parker suggests that the pain of grief is the price we have to pay for love. In a very real way, whenever we choose to love someone, we are also choosing to be hurt. The time comes when we have to say good-bye and let go. That is when our grief begins. As it takes time to love, so it also takes time to let go. People say, ”Time heals.” Yet time by itself doesn’t heal. If a person in grief sits in a corner waiting for time to take care of bitter sorrow, time won't do anything. It is what we do with time that can heal.
Bereaved people may find themselves feeling stranded in their own grief. The following suggestions are ways we can use the time to rekindle hope and healing.
1. Take Time To Accept Death. Facing and accepting death remains a necessary condition for continuing our own life. Often it is hard to realize that what happened has really happened and that life has changed. We hope that it was all a bad dream. We hope that our loved one will call us from work or that we are going to hear that person's voice when we step into the house. The only way to deal with death, no matter how painful that might be, is to accept it, not fight it. Yes, our loved one has died. But that doesn’t mean that we have to die, too. We have to pick up the pieces and go on from there.
2. Take Time To Let Go. One of the most difficult human experiences is letting go. Yet from birth to death life is a series of letting go - sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently. Letting go reminds us that we are not in control of life, and that we need to accept what we cannot control. Letting go means adjusting to a new reality in which our loved one is no longer present. And yet, many bereaved continue to believe that their loved one has not really died, that life hasn't really changed. Letting go takes place when the “we” becomes “I,” when we are able to substitute the memories of the deceased for their physical presence and when we are able to change patterns in our lives and in our environment. Letting go occurs when we are able to endure and accept the feelings that accompany death.
The loss of a loved one through death often requires adjustment in our way of looking at the world and our plans for living in it. It is a major disruption in our lives, and people's reactions differ. A positive self-image, an ability to relate easily, a faith to lean on and a willingness to take initiative are ways of being and interacting that can help people manage feelings of grief.
Grief therapist C.M. Parker suggests that the pain of grief is the price we have to pay for love. In a very real way, whenever we choose to love someone, we are also choosing to be hurt. The time comes when we have to say good-bye and let go. That is when our grief begins. As it takes time to love, so it also takes time to let go. People say, ”Time heals.” Yet time by itself doesn’t heal. If a person in grief sits in a corner waiting for time to take care of bitter sorrow, time won't do anything. It is what we do with time that can heal.
Bereaved people may find themselves feeling stranded in their own grief. The following suggestions are ways we can use the time to rekindle hope and healing.
1. Take Time To Accept Death. Facing and accepting death remains a necessary condition for continuing our own life. Often it is hard to realize that what happened has really happened and that life has changed. We hope that it was all a bad dream. We hope that our loved one will call us from work or that we are going to hear that person's voice when we step into the house. The only way to deal with death, no matter how painful that might be, is to accept it, not fight it. Yes, our loved one has died. But that doesn’t mean that we have to die, too. We have to pick up the pieces and go on from there.
2. Take Time To Let Go. One of the most difficult human experiences is letting go. Yet from birth to death life is a series of letting go - sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently. Letting go reminds us that we are not in control of life, and that we need to accept what we cannot control. Letting go means adjusting to a new reality in which our loved one is no longer present. And yet, many bereaved continue to believe that their loved one has not really died, that life hasn't really changed. Letting go takes place when the “we” becomes “I,” when we are able to substitute the memories of the deceased for their physical presence and when we are able to change patterns in our lives and in our environment. Letting go occurs when we are able to endure and accept the feelings that accompany death.
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Tuesday, February 16, 2010
WHAT IS LEFT?
~written by Betty Stevens, Baltimore, MD~
When a child dies, you ask – among other questions – What is left?
A beautiful sensitive, intelligent son has chosen to end his life. What can be left after such a crushing blow? Others will point out that you have a spouse, other children or grandchildren, perhaps relatives and friends. They are all left. Perhaps you have a career that is left. And yet, how meaningless all of those are to a bereaved parent, to one who is suffering the most devastating loss of all. So you continue to search for what it is that is left.
You read books on bereavement, scarcely remembering what you have read. You attend meetings, talk with others who have suffered a loss like yours. If you are fortunate, you have one or two good friends who, while they cannot fully understand, are there to love and listen.
Perhaps there is a therapist who guides you in your search for an answer. But, for a long while, everything you read or hear has little meaning, and certainly cannot provide the answer to your question.
Or can it? Does all that you have read and heard and experienced finally come together and answer the question of what is left? For me, it does. The answer was 13 months in coming, but how clear it seems now.
I am left. That’s it! I am left, and I have been left with the love of Scott. It is a new love, it is different – more intense, it is undemanding, it need not be reciprocated, there are no strings attached. I love this love of Scott’s. It warms me and comforts me. It is a wonderful love, but I cannot keep it. It would be wrong to do so; this love is too precious to keep to myself.
I am left with love to spare and love to share. It will never run out. He will always be with me to replenish it. I have found the answer!
I am left to share Scott’s love with you.
When a child dies, you ask – among other questions – What is left?
A beautiful sensitive, intelligent son has chosen to end his life. What can be left after such a crushing blow? Others will point out that you have a spouse, other children or grandchildren, perhaps relatives and friends. They are all left. Perhaps you have a career that is left. And yet, how meaningless all of those are to a bereaved parent, to one who is suffering the most devastating loss of all. So you continue to search for what it is that is left.
You read books on bereavement, scarcely remembering what you have read. You attend meetings, talk with others who have suffered a loss like yours. If you are fortunate, you have one or two good friends who, while they cannot fully understand, are there to love and listen.
Perhaps there is a therapist who guides you in your search for an answer. But, for a long while, everything you read or hear has little meaning, and certainly cannot provide the answer to your question.
Or can it? Does all that you have read and heard and experienced finally come together and answer the question of what is left? For me, it does. The answer was 13 months in coming, but how clear it seems now.
I am left. That’s it! I am left, and I have been left with the love of Scott. It is a new love, it is different – more intense, it is undemanding, it need not be reciprocated, there are no strings attached. I love this love of Scott’s. It warms me and comforts me. It is a wonderful love, but I cannot keep it. It would be wrong to do so; this love is too precious to keep to myself.
I am left with love to spare and love to share. It will never run out. He will always be with me to replenish it. I have found the answer!
I am left to share Scott’s love with you.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Valentines…..To Heaven
~Author Unknown~
This Valentine is not of the ordinary kind
It’s filled with love & blessings inside.
But mine has to be sent on the wings of love.
You see, it’s destination is the Heaven’s above.
It’s not being sent to my parents so dear,
For they are still with me each day of the year.
It’s sent to my child who left earth so soon
Who’s now in the Heaven’s with the stars & the moon.
The message is the same as your Valentine.
“I love you, my sweet precious child of mine.
My love is still deeper than the ocean is blue.
And it’s sent with hugs & kisses from me to you.”
“I know you are with me each & every day.
You listen as I talk to you & hear what I say.
For that is the one thing that death cannot do.
You’ll always be mine & I love you with all of my heart.
I know that we’ll be together again & then we’ll never have to part.”
So you see, the meaning is still the same.
The method of delivery is the only change.
Mine must be sent by a little white dove ~
On the wings of love…
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Saturday, February 13, 2010
Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine's Day-Part 2 of 2
~written by June Cook (co-founder of www.selfhealingexpressions.com) Copyright (c) 2008 Marty Tousley
Personal grief rituals are those loving activities that help us remember our loved ones, and give us a sense of connectedness, healing and peace. Creating and practicing personal grief rituals can also help us release painful situations and unpleasant memories, freeing us to make our memories a positive influence in our lives.
What follows are just a few examples of personal grief rituals. The ideas are as unique and as varied as the people who invented them; think of ways that you can adapt them and make them your own. You are limited only by your own imagination.
• If you're a writer, write. It could be an article, an anecdote, a story, a poem, a song, a letter, an obituary or a eulogy. If you don't want to write for someone else, keep a private journal and write about your feelings as you journey through your grief.
• Buy a very special candle, decorate it and light it in honor of your loved one.
• Purchase a book - perhaps a children's book - on coping with the loss of a loved one, and donate it to your local library or school. Ask the librarian to place a label inside the front cover inscribed "In memory of [your loved one's name]."
• Plant a tree, bush, shrub, garden or flower bed as a permanent growing memorial to your beloved. Mark the site with a memorial plaque, marker, bench or statue.
• Memorialize your beloved in cyberspace by lighting a virtual candle online.
• Write a special note, letter, poem, wish or prayer to your beloved, go outside, attach the paper to a balloon and let it go - or place it in a vessel and burn it, and watch the smoke rise heavenward.
• If you are harboring bad feelings or regrets, gather symbols to represent those hurtful or painful situations, events, or feelings from your past, place them in a container and hold a private burial or burning ceremony, saying goodbye and releasing them as you do so.
• Ask relatives, friends, co-workers and neighbors to gather their contributions, and put together a scrapbook or box of memories containing mementoes, letters and photographs of your loved one.
• Celebrate the life of your loved one by continuing favorite traditions or eating favorite foods.
• Select a Valentine card that you wish your beloved would have picked for you, and mail it to yourself.
• Give yourself a gift from your loved one that you always wished he or she would have given you, and think of your beloved whenever you use it or wear it.
Personal grief rituals are those loving activities that help us remember our loved ones, and give us a sense of connectedness, healing and peace. Creating and practicing personal grief rituals can also help us release painful situations and unpleasant memories, freeing us to make our memories a positive influence in our lives.
What follows are just a few examples of personal grief rituals. The ideas are as unique and as varied as the people who invented them; think of ways that you can adapt them and make them your own. You are limited only by your own imagination.
• If you're a writer, write. It could be an article, an anecdote, a story, a poem, a song, a letter, an obituary or a eulogy. If you don't want to write for someone else, keep a private journal and write about your feelings as you journey through your grief.
• Buy a very special candle, decorate it and light it in honor of your loved one.
• Purchase a book - perhaps a children's book - on coping with the loss of a loved one, and donate it to your local library or school. Ask the librarian to place a label inside the front cover inscribed "In memory of [your loved one's name]."
• Plant a tree, bush, shrub, garden or flower bed as a permanent growing memorial to your beloved. Mark the site with a memorial plaque, marker, bench or statue.
• Memorialize your beloved in cyberspace by lighting a virtual candle online.
• Write a special note, letter, poem, wish or prayer to your beloved, go outside, attach the paper to a balloon and let it go - or place it in a vessel and burn it, and watch the smoke rise heavenward.
• If you are harboring bad feelings or regrets, gather symbols to represent those hurtful or painful situations, events, or feelings from your past, place them in a container and hold a private burial or burning ceremony, saying goodbye and releasing them as you do so.
• Ask relatives, friends, co-workers and neighbors to gather their contributions, and put together a scrapbook or box of memories containing mementoes, letters and photographs of your loved one.
• Celebrate the life of your loved one by continuing favorite traditions or eating favorite foods.
• Select a Valentine card that you wish your beloved would have picked for you, and mail it to yourself.
• Give yourself a gift from your loved one that you always wished he or she would have given you, and think of your beloved whenever you use it or wear it.
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Friday, February 12, 2010
Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine's Day-Part 1 of 2
~written by June Cook (co-founder of www.selfhealingexpressions.com) Copyright (c) 2008 Marty Tousley
We've barely made it through the holidays of December and January, and now the stores are filled with hearts and flowers and candy, all of it in celebration of the gift of love. But February 14 can be a difficult day for those of us who are grieving, and for some it will be the first Valentine's Day since our precious Valentine died. For us there is no celebration; there is only grief.
Sometimes, for fear of "letting go," we may find ourselves "holding on" to our pain as a way of remembering those we love. Letting go of what used to be is not an act of disloyalty, and it does not mean forgetting our loved ones who have died. Letting go means leaving behind the sorrow and pain of grief and choosing to go on, taking with us only those memories and experiences that enhance our ability to grow and expand our capacity for happiness.
If our memories are painful and unpleasant, they can be hurtful and destructive. If they create longing and hold us to the past, they can interfere with our willingness to move forward in our grief journey. But it doesn't have to be that way. We can choose which parts of life we shared that we wish to keep and which parts we wish to leave behind. We can soothe our pain by thinking of happy as well as sad memories. The happiness we experienced with our loved ones belongs to us forever.
If we decide to do so, we can choose to embrace Valentine's Day as a special day on which to commemorate our loved ones and to celebrate our love for them. Death ends a life, but it does not end the relationship we have with our loved ones who have died. The bonds of love are never severed by death, and the love we shared will never die either. For Valentine's Day this year, we can find a way to honor our loved ones, to remember them and to show them that our love is eternal.
We can build a piece of "memory time" into that particular day, or we can pack the entire day with meaning. Think of it this way: It's much easier to cope with memories we've chosen than to have them take us by surprise. Whether we are facing Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, an anniversary or birthday, or any other special day of our own choosing, we can immerse ourselves in the healing power of remembrance. We can go to a special place, read aloud, or listen to a favorite song. We can celebrate what once was and is no more.
We've barely made it through the holidays of December and January, and now the stores are filled with hearts and flowers and candy, all of it in celebration of the gift of love. But February 14 can be a difficult day for those of us who are grieving, and for some it will be the first Valentine's Day since our precious Valentine died. For us there is no celebration; there is only grief.
Sometimes, for fear of "letting go," we may find ourselves "holding on" to our pain as a way of remembering those we love. Letting go of what used to be is not an act of disloyalty, and it does not mean forgetting our loved ones who have died. Letting go means leaving behind the sorrow and pain of grief and choosing to go on, taking with us only those memories and experiences that enhance our ability to grow and expand our capacity for happiness.
If our memories are painful and unpleasant, they can be hurtful and destructive. If they create longing and hold us to the past, they can interfere with our willingness to move forward in our grief journey. But it doesn't have to be that way. We can choose which parts of life we shared that we wish to keep and which parts we wish to leave behind. We can soothe our pain by thinking of happy as well as sad memories. The happiness we experienced with our loved ones belongs to us forever.
If we decide to do so, we can choose to embrace Valentine's Day as a special day on which to commemorate our loved ones and to celebrate our love for them. Death ends a life, but it does not end the relationship we have with our loved ones who have died. The bonds of love are never severed by death, and the love we shared will never die either. For Valentine's Day this year, we can find a way to honor our loved ones, to remember them and to show them that our love is eternal.
We can build a piece of "memory time" into that particular day, or we can pack the entire day with meaning. Think of it this way: It's much easier to cope with memories we've chosen than to have them take us by surprise. Whether we are facing Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, an anniversary or birthday, or any other special day of our own choosing, we can immerse ourselves in the healing power of remembrance. We can go to a special place, read aloud, or listen to a favorite song. We can celebrate what once was and is no more.
Labels:
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Thursday, February 11, 2010
THE LEGEND OF SAINT VALENTINE
According to legend the Valentine takes its name from a young Christian priest who lived in ancient Rome. Like so many of the early Christians, Valentine had been imprisoned because of his faith.
Often and longingly he thought of his loved ones and wanted to assure them of his well-being and of his love for them. Beyond his cell window, just within reach, grew a cluster of violets. He picked some of the heart-shaped leaves and pricked them with the words: “Remember Your Valentine,” and send them off by a friendly dove. On the next day, and the next, he sent more messages that simply said, “I love you.”
Thus did the Valentine have its beginning. And so it has been through the ages- those who love, remember – and send Valentines to express their love.
So remember...
Often and longingly he thought of his loved ones and wanted to assure them of his well-being and of his love for them. Beyond his cell window, just within reach, grew a cluster of violets. He picked some of the heart-shaped leaves and pricked them with the words: “Remember Your Valentine,” and send them off by a friendly dove. On the next day, and the next, he sent more messages that simply said, “I love you.”
Thus did the Valentine have its beginning. And so it has been through the ages- those who love, remember – and send Valentines to express their love.
So remember...
I’M THERE INSIDE YOUR HEART
~ author aunknown ~
Right now I’m in a different place, And though we seem apart,
I’m closer than I ever was…. I’m there inside your heart.
I’m with you when you greet each day And while the sun shines bright,
I’m there to share the sunsets, too… I’m with you every night.
I’m with you when the times are good, To share a laugh or two,
And if a tear should start to fall…I’ll still be there for you.
And when that day arrives, That we no longer are apart,
I’ll smile and hold you close to me…..Forever in my heart.
Labels:
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Tuesday, February 9, 2010
HELPFUL HINTS….
~Written by Rabbi Harold Kushner, and edited from THE GIFT OF GIVING by Michael Lynberg
Sometimes our life’s calling is faint. We are unable to move forward because life has dealt us a severe or tragic blow. The “still small voice” that once urged us to do the greater thing is now scarcely audible, deadened by our pain. It is hard to think of leading an extraordinary life…seizing the day to partake of one’s beauty and joy, when there is so much hurt inside us.
In the midst of such despair we wonder if we will ever again feel warmth….will we ever again be able to love and feel deeply, to overcome our numbness…to do the things we dream.
The answer is yes, but with much patience and gentle effort. There is a season for everything and the season of healing must run its course. There is no measuring progress in days or weeks or even months, only by our ability to gradually regain what is best in ourselves.
But with patient work and faith we will pass through our crisis leaving one phase of our lives and entering another. We will never be the same person we were before, but with renewed strength and deepened sensitivity we will be able to move to new areas of growth and fulfillment.
There are no easy answers. But a first important step is to seek the community of others who “bear the mark of pain.”
We need to get over the question that focus on the past and on the pain - “Why did this happen to me?” – and ask instead the question which opens doors to the future. “Now that this has happened, what shall I do about it?”
Sometimes our life’s calling is faint. We are unable to move forward because life has dealt us a severe or tragic blow. The “still small voice” that once urged us to do the greater thing is now scarcely audible, deadened by our pain. It is hard to think of leading an extraordinary life…seizing the day to partake of one’s beauty and joy, when there is so much hurt inside us.
In the midst of such despair we wonder if we will ever again feel warmth….will we ever again be able to love and feel deeply, to overcome our numbness…to do the things we dream.
The answer is yes, but with much patience and gentle effort. There is a season for everything and the season of healing must run its course. There is no measuring progress in days or weeks or even months, only by our ability to gradually regain what is best in ourselves.
But with patient work and faith we will pass through our crisis leaving one phase of our lives and entering another. We will never be the same person we were before, but with renewed strength and deepened sensitivity we will be able to move to new areas of growth and fulfillment.
There are no easy answers. But a first important step is to seek the community of others who “bear the mark of pain.”
We need to get over the question that focus on the past and on the pain - “Why did this happen to me?” – and ask instead the question which opens doors to the future. “Now that this has happened, what shall I do about it?”
Sunday, February 7, 2010
THE LITTLE THINGS
~written by Ann Tyler, CF-Sacramento, CA
Often even the simple tasks of everyday living seem to drain every ounce of one’s energy. Remember going to the grocery store even month’s after your child’s death and the feelings you had as you passed by his or her favorite cereal? Or watching another child the same age as yours in a restaurant and trying to swallow your food – you probably didn’t even taste it. Or hearing a certain song in public and fighting back the tears? Sometimes even getting through the day in your own home makes you feel like you’ve run a marathon and leaves you in worse shape. You probably never dreamed that doing the laundry could make you cry or getting a piece of mail in your child’s name could take your breath away.
Even the best of friends and family can’t possibly know the strength you must summon day after day. We shouldn’t expect them to understand completely, but it does get lonely.
Perhaps this quote puts it in a nutshell: One sad thing about this world is that the acts that take the most out of you are usually the ones that other people will never know about.
Often even the simple tasks of everyday living seem to drain every ounce of one’s energy. Remember going to the grocery store even month’s after your child’s death and the feelings you had as you passed by his or her favorite cereal? Or watching another child the same age as yours in a restaurant and trying to swallow your food – you probably didn’t even taste it. Or hearing a certain song in public and fighting back the tears? Sometimes even getting through the day in your own home makes you feel like you’ve run a marathon and leaves you in worse shape. You probably never dreamed that doing the laundry could make you cry or getting a piece of mail in your child’s name could take your breath away.
Even the best of friends and family can’t possibly know the strength you must summon day after day. We shouldn’t expect them to understand completely, but it does get lonely.
Perhaps this quote puts it in a nutshell: One sad thing about this world is that the acts that take the most out of you are usually the ones that other people will never know about.
Friday, February 5, 2010
A FABLE
~written by Jeanette Isley, TCF Topeka, (from BP/USA of MD, Newsletter)
There once lived a family who felt that they had been specially blessed by God. They had health; they felt secure in their love of God and their love for each other.
On the mantle of the fireplace stood a vase. It was a strong, sturdy vase – attractive but not extravagant. It had been a wedding gift and to them, it symbolized their family. It had with-stood the bumps of moving and toddlers’ antics as the family had withstood the buffets and ordeals of life. The scars and chips could be detected only on very close scrutiny.
The day the oldest son in the family died, the vase was found on the mantel, shattered into many pieces. No one bothered to gather up the pieces. It was left for some time in its broken condition on the mantel.
After some time had passed, thought was given to putting the vase back together. Little enthusiasm was generated, but eventually the task was begun. The family worked together, each adding a piece or a suggestion about getting it mended. Each one of the family members got discouraged and more than once some one of them was heard to say, “It just can’t be done.”
Finally, after many months, the vase was back in its normal pace on the mantel. To the casual observer, it looked strong and sturdy and no one would guess it was less than perfect. But, on closer examination, it obviously had been shattered and put back together, and on turning it around, one could see that one large piece was permanently missing. It had never been found and served to remind the family that, although their hearts could mend and heal, their lives would never be the same.
{Note: I often tell bereaved parents that our hearts are broken and can never be the same. They will always have the cracks but also a piece is missing that can never be replaced……} Brenda/editor of BP/USA Newsletter
There once lived a family who felt that they had been specially blessed by God. They had health; they felt secure in their love of God and their love for each other.
On the mantle of the fireplace stood a vase. It was a strong, sturdy vase – attractive but not extravagant. It had been a wedding gift and to them, it symbolized their family. It had with-stood the bumps of moving and toddlers’ antics as the family had withstood the buffets and ordeals of life. The scars and chips could be detected only on very close scrutiny.
The day the oldest son in the family died, the vase was found on the mantel, shattered into many pieces. No one bothered to gather up the pieces. It was left for some time in its broken condition on the mantel.
After some time had passed, thought was given to putting the vase back together. Little enthusiasm was generated, but eventually the task was begun. The family worked together, each adding a piece or a suggestion about getting it mended. Each one of the family members got discouraged and more than once some one of them was heard to say, “It just can’t be done.”
Finally, after many months, the vase was back in its normal pace on the mantel. To the casual observer, it looked strong and sturdy and no one would guess it was less than perfect. But, on closer examination, it obviously had been shattered and put back together, and on turning it around, one could see that one large piece was permanently missing. It had never been found and served to remind the family that, although their hearts could mend and heal, their lives would never be the same.
{Note: I often tell bereaved parents that our hearts are broken and can never be the same. They will always have the cracks but also a piece is missing that can never be replaced……} Brenda/editor of BP/USA Newsletter
Labels:
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Wednesday, February 3, 2010
SUPPORT
~written by Martha J. Morrison
Come lean on me a bit
I know just how you feel
I’ve felt your fear and loneliness
I know your pain is real.
For I have been where you are now
Walking that long, dark road.
Then someone came to comfort me
And share my heavy load.
They helped me find new courage
And hope where I had none.
They let me lean on them awhile
‘Til my battle was won.
So come and lean on me a bit
‘Til your ordeal is through.
Then find someone who needs your help
And let them lean on you.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Getting thru Valentine's Day with a Broken Heart
~ By Cherie Houston
As soon as our children begin school, so does the tradition of sharing valentines and so, it is another holiday that reminds us of special times we’ve shared with our children and for those moms who have lost infants, it is a reminder of special times that will never be… Either way, the sense of overwhelming loss is once again thrust at us.
At first I feared it would be another painful day, but I don’t think it has to be. Instead I hope we can celebrate our love for them - nothing and no one can ever take away the love you shared with your children, so we should honor them – celebrate that mutual love. As usual I searched the internet for suggestions and found several that I think apply to those of us who are remembering our children who are gone too soon ..
I believe what is important is for each of us to find a special way to celebrate their memory and their relationship with us no matter how brief their stay with us might have been… We are who we are because of them - no matter how short their stay - and that is something to celebrate for sure…
February 1st 2010 and we've made it thru our first holiday season without our son Bobby: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years and lurking just around the corner is Valentines Day. My reaction to the chocolates, heart shaped cards and stuffed animals surprised me - it actually took my breath away - but then again, Valentines is more than just a holiday for lovers.
As soon as our children begin school, so does the tradition of sharing valentines and so, it is another holiday that reminds us of special times we’ve shared with our children and for those moms who have lost infants, it is a reminder of special times that will never be… Either way, the sense of overwhelming loss is once again thrust at us.
- Honor your Valentine’s Day traditions – do them in your children’s memory.
- Write them a valentine or note and save it in your memory box (if you’ve done this in the past, explore your memory box and enjoy the memories)
- Decorate and light a special candle in their honor
- Write them a note, put it in a balloon and send it off towards their new home in heaven
- Volunteer some time – whether it’s at a hospital, shelter, hospice, or food pantry-there’s no doubt that helping someone else can ease our pain
- Listen to their favorite songs
- Look back thru pictures or videos if you have them - it's okay to smile and it's okay to cry
- If your child was older, consider sharing the day with his or her young family, it might help you all as you share memories together
- Make your loved one’s favorite breakfast or dinner and enjoy it in their memory
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