Renewal

~Priscilla Kenney, Boston MA

In the first warm days of springtime

when the winter chill is through

each waking thought and closing prayer

begins and ends with you.

Like the daffodil and crocus

that survive the bitter snow

my soul is gently lifted up

and is warmed by sunlight’s glow.

It’s a time of fresh renewal,

a beginning – not an end,

and oh, how much I miss you,

my daughter and my friend.

So I’ll take the warmth of springtime

and hold it close to me,

to help me through the winter storms

till your face once more I see.

WHEN I MUST LEAVE YOU

~ Anonymous (American Indian Prayer)

When I must leave you for a little while
Please do not grieve and shed wild tears
And hug your sorrow to you through the years.
But start out bravely with a gallant smile;
And for my sake and in my name
Live on and do all things the same,
Feed not your loneliness on empty days,
But fill each waking hour in useful ways,
Reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer
And I in turn will comfort you And hold you near;
And never, never be afraid to die,
For I am waiting for you in the sky

OVERCOMING SADNESS AND GRIEF - Part 2 of 2

~ By Lori Prokop

Dealing with sadness and grief can feel overwhelming, but there are answers. Here is the 2nd part of Lori's 10 Healing Sadness and Grief tips you may find helpful and healing. I have always found great comfort in this quote: “It is better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all.”

Tip #6 - Many who have loved ones who transition want to know, “Where is my loved one?” Spirituality has been telling us and research is now beginning to prove he or she is well, strong and happy surrounded by love. Realize your loved one is fine — quite fine.

Tip #7 - Realize your Higher Power has made it possible for you and your loved one to meet here on earth. Think about that - If it was your child who has died, just imagine the miracle of that wonderful new little baby that you created or that you chose to join your family - hat are the chances?? Or someone else - maybe someone you fell in love with - there are BILLIONS of people on earth, and out of those billions of people you could have been with, you and your loved one were brought together here. Find comfort knowing your Higher Power will also make sure you and your loved one will be together again “over there.”

Tip #8 - Often the best way to overcome our own sadness and grief is to help someone else feel better. What we give out into the world comes back ten-fold. That includes the love and help we extend to another. Make a list of all the people you know who are feeling sadness or grief. Next to each name write something nice you can do to brighten his or her day. As you follow through with the list of actions, you will find healing, peace, gratitude and comfort in doing so.

Tip #9 - Humans have incredible resilience. Having faith and connection to a Higher Power of 100% pure light and love can help relief, healing and recovery comes quicker and easier.

Tip #10 - For some people, the greatest sadness and grief relief is found in their spirituality. Some people who have little prior spiritual beliefs seek answer during hardships or loss. Read spiritual books. Listen to spiritual CDs. Watch spiritual DVDs.

~ Lori Prokop is often affectionately called the “mother of inspiration” and is one of the most respected people in the field of self-empowerment – the following is from her website…

OVERCOMING SADNESS AND GRIEF - Part 1 of 2

~ By Lori Prokop

Dealing with sadness and grief can feel overwhelming, but there are answers. Here are 10 Healing Sadness and Grief tips you may find helpful and healing. I have always found great comfort in this quote: “It is better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all.”

Tip #1 - Our experience on earth includes the inevitable passing of loved ones and friends, as well as the ups and downs of career, business, family and life. The more we learn about the process of grief, the more we are able to understand that what we are feeling is normal..

Tip #2 - Do not feel ashamed of your sadness and grief by trying to contain or hide it. Tears are meant to cleanse and relieve. Cry out your pain. Pray out your grief. Peace will come.

Tip #3 - For your own healing, continue on with a life of activities as before. Or you may consider finally doing what you have wanted to do for years. If you have lost a loved one, know he or she would want you to carry on. Whether here or there, he or she really wants what is best for you.

Tip #4 - Refrain from saying you have “lost” your loved one. A line of poetry says, “Love cannot lose itself.” You have not lost. Rather, your loved one is living in a new dimension, yet still close to you.

Tip #5 - You can ask loved ones who have passed to continue being with you through your prayers, dreams or signs only the two of you would know. Even friends of mine who have not believed this was possible, once a loved one transitions, tell me it is very real.

~ Lori Prokop is often affectionately called the “mother of inspiration” and is one of the most respected people in the field of self-empowerment – the following is from her website…

Bereavement, Grief and Knowledge

No amount of knowledge can prepare us for bereavement. Grief is the most intense and enduring emotion we can experience. No quick fix. No short-cut. An ancient African saying is “There is no way out of the desert except through it.” Knowledge of the grief process gives us a very generalized map of the terrain we have to cover. Each of us will take a different route. Each will choose his own landmarks. We will all travel at our own unique speed and will navigate using the tools provided by our culture, experience, and faith. In the end, we will be forever changed by this journey.

Knowledge helps us avoid the major pitfalls of grief. A knowledge of what is known of grief assures us that we have not lost all sense of sanity. When we find ourselves feeling befuddled in a mist shrouded swamp we can say “It’s OK. This too is part of my journey. Others have gone this way before me and I will survive. I am human.”

As each day passes and as we all explore and understand our loss, the pain, sadness and depth of our grief will diminish in frequency and intensity. During our journey through grief, the most important tool we have for recovery is to talk with accepting, understanding and trusted family, friends and others about our loss. Know that talking about those who have died is very healthy and allows us overcome and continue through the journey versus becoming stuck…

Most of all remember: "Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor loss of faith, it is simply the price of our love for another human being".

They Live On

~ Author Unknown..

"Those we love remain with us

For love itself lives on

And cherished memories never fade

Because a loved one's gone.

Those we love can never be

More than a thought apart

For as long as there's a memory

They'll live on in our hearts."

One of These Days...as we welcome spring

One of these days....

• You will realize you got through the day without crying.
• You will bite into a piece of fruit and actually taste the sweetness.
• You will find yourself smiling.
• You will recognize again that stranger in the mirror.
• You will notice that the season has changed.
• You will feel the sun on your face.
• You will actually laugh out loud.
• You will wake and not dread the day ahead.
• You will speak your child's name and smile.
• You will come to terms that for all your questions there are NO answers!
• When you are ready, you will know you’ll be okay, not whole ever again, but okay, ONE OF THESE DAYS…..

But until that day comes, and it will,

• Try not to imagine the future: take one day at a time. Allow yourself to cry, both alone and with your family. 
• Don’t shut out other family members from your thoughts and feelings. Share these difficult times. You may all become closer for it. 
• Try to be realistic about expectations for yourself, your spouse, and other family members and friends. If each of us is unique and different try to find a good understanding.  
• When a good day comes, relish it! Don’t feel guilty and don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t last. 
• Take care of your health. Even though the mind might not care, a sick body will only compound your troubles.
• Drink lots of water, take stress type vitamins, rest (even if you don’t sleep) and get moderate exercise. Help your body to heal as well as your mind.
• Share your feelings with other compassionate friends and let them share with you. You will find that as you begin caring about the pain of others, you will start to come out of your shell…a very healthy sign. 

What Is Normal?

~ Written by Clara Hinton ~ www.silentgrief.com ~

Following a loss, well-meaning friends and family members have often said, “I wish that he/she would act normal again. It’s been so long since we’ve had any fun together. I can’t wait until the old person returns.” Unfortunately, what most people don’t understand is that life will never, ever again be the same for the parents who have lost a child. The fact is that the parents often realize early on, “I forget how to feel normal! I don’t even know what normal is anymore!”

When a child dies, no matter what the surrounding circumstances, life as was once known, is turned upside down for a while. Nothing makes much sense. The things that kept life so busy before the death of the child don’t matter anymore. Who cares if the laundry is clean? Who worries about keeping the garage neat? Why bother to think about buying groceries? Food has lost its taste, and there is no energy to cook a meal. For a long time following the death of a child, life seems void and meaningless. Friends and family members find this part of grief particularly disturbing. Others are ready to move forward in life, taking on the mundane routines of living once again. For the parent, though, life will never be viewed quite the same again.

Normal takes on a new meaning to parents who have had a child die. Things such a fine china, fancy furniture, and collectible knick-knacks don’t mean anything. It is of no interest to discuss the make and model of the car you are driving. What matters is finding some way to help you get through this time of acceptance and healing.

There is no set of rules for normal living following the loss of a child. Some people would prefer there to be a book of rules. It would make life a lot easier for everyone to have special grief guidelines to follow. Instead, we must learn to accept as normal whatever anyone chooses as his/her way of working through the particular grief of the day. We must each remember that grief is individual, and grief will touch every person just a little bit differently.

Tears. Anger. Frustration. Excessive talking. No talking. Working longer hours. All are normal ways to work through the tremendously difficult emotional swings of child loss. A parent will often think that he/she will never again resume normal living. In a sense, that is correct. Life will never again be the same because losing a child changes the way a parent views life. Grief never leaves. It becomes more gentle, but it never completely goes away.

All of this is not to say that life will never be joyful again. Joy will return, but probably in different ways than you experienced joy before the death of your child. Priorities in life will change. Small things will carry great meaning. A flower will take on the look of a miracle. The blue sky will give a feeling of renewed hope and inspiration. Somewhere deep down inside you will know that your new “normal” is a more simplistic, more abundant way of viewing life.

If you are feeling like you have forgotten what normal is since your child died, you are not alone. Every parent who has experienced child loss goes through a time of questioning. Following the questioning, though, is a renewed sense of self and a new perspective of life. Grief never leaves, and you’ll never feel like your old normal self again. But, you will feel hope and joy as you continue on in your journey of healing from the deep, life-changing grief of child loss.

Blessings from St. Patrick

On March 17th people across the world celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day. Yes - it's the wearin of the green, the feasting on corned beef and cabbage and irish ale, but how much do most of us actually know about the man we celebrate each year. Saint Patrick is known as the patron saint to the Irish people because he is the one who brought Christianity to Ireland. According to legend, he used the Shamrock to teach about God. Since the shamrock has three leaves on each stem, Saint Patrick likened the shamrock to the Holy Trinity. St. Patrick taught that in God there are three divine beings: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. The shamrock was sacred to the Druids, so Saint Patrick’s use of it to explain the trinity was very wise

A segment of a poem written by St. Patrick (ca 377):

Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,

Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,

Christ on my right, Christ on my left,

Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down,

Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,

Christ in the mouth of every man who speaks of me,

Christ in the eye that sees me,

Christ in the ear that hears me.

I arise today

Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,

Through a belief in the Threeness,

Through a confession of the Oneness

Of the Creator of creation.

Do You Remember Me

~ by Beckie

I can't believe after all this time,I can't get over you,

I guess a love like ours is one of a kind,a love that is true.

It's been 9 years sense you left me to go to God & heavens immensity,

Do you still remember me?

It's like a bad dream that plays over & over in my head,

Of things I wish I'd done or words I would of said.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you,

Even after all this time,what am I going to do?

Maybe this is the way mommys are suppose to feel,

Perhaps our wounds are never intended to heal.

If I could ask but one question why,

How is it God could need you more than I?

JUST PEDAL

~ Author Unknown ~

At first I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited Heaven or hell when I die.

I recognized His signature in the sunrise and the sunset, when I saw it, but I really didn’t know Him. But later on, when I met God, it seemed as though life was rather like a bike ride,

But it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that God was in the back, helping me pedal.

I don’t know when it was that He suggested that we change places, but life has not been the same since.

When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable.  It was the shortest distance between two points.

But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds.  It was all I could do to hang on! Even though it looked like madness, He said, “PEDAL.”

I worried, anxiously asking, “Where are you taking me?”  He laughed and didn’t answer, and it was then that I finally started learning to trust.  I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure.

And when I’d say, “I’m scared,” He’d lean back and touch my hand. 

He took me to people with gifts that I needed.  Gifts of healing, gifts of acceptance, gifts of JOY  They gave me gifts to take on my journey….and we were off again.  He said, “Give the gifts away; they’re extra baggage, too much weight.”  So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He’d wreck it;  But He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, Knows how to jump to clear high rocks, knows how to fly to shorten scary passages. 

And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, And I’m beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with God as my delightful constant companion.  And when I’m sure I just can’t do anymore, or go one more mile…..

He just smiles and says, "Pedal - Just Pedal.”

REFLECTIONS ON MARCH

~ by Dayton Robinson, Tuscalossa, AL

March is a month of renewal. The dormant trees begin to stir, the birds optimistically sing of Spring; the winds, sometimes violent, wake us up; perhaps we need a “shake” out of our winter lethargy; an awakening.

There is that urge to plant, to nourish, to grow a tree or a flower. There is the primordial urge to feel your hand digging in the warming earth. Perhaps we plant because we know that someone will see the results, as we have enjoyed the results of others’ work. It could be called a debt of renewal, a repayment for that which we have enjoyed. As we nourish small seedlings, we visualize the end results. That tree may die, as our children did. That tree may flourish beautifully, or it may meet ultimate disaster, but if that tree does well, it could be a source of great pleasure and of beauty for many coming years. We can believe that a seedling will be a glorious tree enjoyed by many. It’s a nice dream.

“To all things there is a season” and as life goes by, we simply cannot afford to miss the season, the renewals, the chances for new growth. Regardless of our griefs and regrets, life goes on, and we must try not to miss a season. Life simply will be, whether we participate or not. Someone will benefit from constructive growth, if we can find the energy to make the effort.

Severe grief, for a time, reduces our interest and our ability to participate fully in life. With a low energy level and little initiative and with our hopes for the future severely damaged, it requires great effort for the bereaved to learn to again enjoy the small things that make up most of our lives. Our hopes for the future are so damaged that there is little incentive to work today for the future. The things that exist today comprise the basics of our future. We run a risk and a danger of missing the good things that are to be, because we do not have the wish to participate in the things that are today.

Although we need a time of some withdrawal, some time to ponder the unanswered questions, some time to heal, we also need to be aware of the lives that are passing. Regardless of our grief, life simply goes on, and there is much good that we risk losing if we stay too long in a state of suspense of the present and a sad review of the past.

A part of learning to “accept the unacceptable” is to learn to make the effort to sort out the good memories and take them with us into a future that will be happy again.

There comes a time when the harsh winter of our damaging grief will give way to some awakening, a time when we, like nature, can shake off some of the lethargy and see and feel the renewals life offers. Our choice is to remember that we could not control the advent of disaster. We can only control our response. Our choice is now only in the way in which we respond to the necessity to pick up the threads of our life and go on.

We owe it to ourselves to make a positive effort. We can hope that those buffeting winds of March can help us awaken to the renewals of Spring and put the “winter of our disaster” in its place, now a part of our ongoing lives.

MARCH - A MONTH OF TRANSITION

~ Author Unknown"

The first day of any new month seems reason enough to pause, perhaps, and reflect on the significance or meaning that each of us might "connect" with a new month. For me, March has always signified a time of transition, a slow but steady emergence from the dark depths of winter into the first, but sure, signs of spring. Something like the “light at the end of the tunnel.”

This spring will have a different meaning for each of us. For some, especially the newly bereaved, there will be a reluctance to accept it—a feeling of longing for the child with whom we would have liked to share it. You may wish to ignore the signs of the year’s springs, but it will happen anyway. But you don’t have to enjoy it. Your sorrow is too new to let you enjoy anything. We understand this feeling. It’s part of the guilt we feel for surviving the loss of a child. It just won’t seem fair to you that the world goes on much the same as before.

Others of us, with the aid of time, sometimes much time, can face spring with a little more resolve. The decision to accept things the way they are allows us to recognize our limitations. We stop hurting ourselves with guilt or with the responsibility to change things. There is no way to change the fact that our children have died. The only thing we can change is ourselves. Those children will always be with us in our minds and in our hearts. When we become secure in this belief, we will have changed. The changed person can accept life again and still be faithful to the memory of her child.

The Cord

~ Author Unknown ~

We are connected, My child and I, by

An invisible cord, Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord, That connects us 'til birth

This cord can't been seen, By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work, Right from the start.

It binds us together, Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there, Though no one can see

The invisible cord, From my child to me.

The strength of this cord, Is hard to describe.

It can't be destroyed, It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord, Man could create

It withstands the test, Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone, Though you're not here with me,

The cord is still there, But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart, I am bruised...I am sore,

But this cord is my lifeline, As never before.

I am thankful that God

Connects us this way

A mother and child,

Death can't take it away!

CHOOSING LIFE

~ By Marcia Ali; Reprinted from the BP/USA St. Louis Chapter Newsletter ~

“It will never be the same. Never.” As a bereaved parent you have often heard or said these words yourself to express grief’s profound feelings of sorrow and disorientation. Your life has suddenly taken an unexpected course and that appears both uncharged and endless. Bewildered you vainly search for pathways back to your former life, until you confront the reality that there is no way back. Your child is dead forever. It is then that you may say, “never the same.”

This is the aspect of the grief that Simon Stephens calls the Valley of the Shadow. It is that very long time between the death of your child and your reinvestment in life. Between. It is not supposed to be a permanent resting place. Although some people do take up residence in the Valley, it is a transition from the death of your child to life with renewed purpose.

The key to this transition is yourself. You must choose between life and the Valley. You and only you can decide. And you must make that decision again and again, each day.

Giving in to the hopelessness of the Valley is tempting. Choosing to move on toward life requires a great deal of work. You must struggle with the pain of grief to resolve it. It is a daily struggle full of tears, anger, guilt, and self-doubt. But it is the only alternative to surrendering yourself to the Valley.

Little by little you choose to move on. Little by little you progress toward the other side of the Valley. It takes a very long time, far longer than your friends or relatives suspected. Far longer than you had believed – even prayed – that it would be. When one day you find yourself able to do more than choose merely to live…but also how to live, you will know you are leaving the Valley of the Shadow. There is more work to do, more struggles and choosing. The Valley, however, stretches behind rather than in front of you.

When you have resolved your grief by reinvesting in life, you will be able to realize that nothing is ever “the same.” Life is change. We would not have it be otherwise, for that is the Valley of the Shadow. Change has the promise of beginning and the excitement of discovery.

LIFE is never the same. Life is change. Choose life!

What are we called - those who lose our children?

~ Neugeboren 1976, 154 ~

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! 

It is frequently said that the grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief known. When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. Bereaved parents indeed do feel that the death of their child is "the ultimate deprivation" (written by Arnold and Gemma 1994). The grief caused by their child's death is not only painful but profoundly disorienting-children are not supposed to die. These parents are forced to confront an extremely painful and stressful paradox; they are faced with a situation in which they must deal both with the grief caused by their child's death and with their inherent need to continue to live their own lives as fully as possible. Thus, bereaved parents must deal with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this overwhelming pain and yet needing it as a reminder of the child who died.

MARCH WINDS

~Betty Davis, Marion Ohio BP/USA~

As the winds blow, often violently, it is as if there is an attempt to wake us from our winter lethargy. The birds began to sing, calling to us. The dormant trees begin to move in the breeze. We see the first buds. Witness a crocus peeping through the encrusted ground.
 
Regardless of our griefs and regrets, life goes on, whether we participate or not. This can be a season of renewal. We can symbolically plant a flower, a tree, or a bush, and nurture it as we loved our child. As the plant flourishes and adds beauty to our lives, we can experience a sense of creation just as our child added meaning to our lives.
 
It’s time to sort out the good memories when we do our spring cleaning. Discard the anger, regret, disappointment and sorrow. Shake it out and throw it away. Hold on to all that is good. Cherish it forever. It’s time to make a constructive effort to restore ourselves. We hope the gales of the March winds will awaken you to a new beginning. May the ‘winter of our discontent’ disappear.
 
We wish for you to live in the future with your happy memories.