Marriages Can & Do Survive the Loss of a Child

~ By Sheri & Bob Stritof

The Unthinkable Grief: Coping With the Death of a Child

When people realize three of our children have died, we hear comments about how amazing it is that our marriage survived such a loss. We also hear dumb statements about how lucky we are to have four healthy kids and how our little ones are in a better place.

REALITIES - The reality is that our marriage survived these heartaches because we worked really hard to make sure the two of us would be okay. The reality is that having surviving children doesn't lessen the pain of losing children. The reality is that I don't care where they may be in the after life, I would prefer to have our babies with us.

WHAT TO DO FOR GRIEVING PARENTS - If the two of us appear to be defensive ... it is because we are defensive. We cringe when we hear what some people say to grieving parents. They have enough to cope with. These couples don't need to deal with hurtful remarks. If you don't know what to say, then don't say anything. Just give them a hug. Let them know you are available to listen and that you care.

STUDIES AND STATISTICS ABOUT GRIEVING PARENTS - There are many who believe that there is an extremely high divorce rate (80-90%) when a couple loses a child. Those claims were based on statistics from a study done in 1985 by Teresa Rando ('Bereaved parents: particular difficulties, unique factors, and treatment issues', Social Work, vol. 30, p. 20).

BUT - In 1999, another survey entitled When a Child Dies was conducted by The Compassionate Friends organization. The results about newly bereaved parents didn't match the earlier findings. It is clear that although couples experience great stress, their marriages aren't destined to fall apart.

"Overall, 72% of parents who were married at the time of their child's death are still married to the same person. The remaining 28% of marriages include 16% in which one spouse had died, and only 12% of marriages that ended in divorce ... Furthermore, even among the 12% of parents whose marriages ended in divorce, only one out of four of them felt that the impact of the death of their child contributed to their divorce."  "While most of the effect after miscarriage is seen in the first two or three years, the impact of a stillbirth persisted for nearly a decade." Source: Margarita Bauza. "Couples more likely to break up after pregnancy loss, U-M research finds." UMich.edu. 4/05/2010.

"Experts say that parents typically never "get over" the loss of a child, but rather learn to adjust and to integrate the loss into their lives. Still, the death of a child remains one of the most stressful life events imaginable. One-fourth to one-third of parents who lose a child report that their marriage suffers strains that sometimes prove irreparable." Source: Jane Brody. Jane Brody's Guide to the Great Beyond: A Practical Primer to Help You and Your Loved Ones Prepare Medically, legally, and Emotionally for the End of Life Random House. 2009. pg. 143.