Mixed emotions during the holidays ~ You are not alone

I want to thank Susan Blantin from LaJolla, CA for sending this to me. Susan’s sister Patrice lost her 13 year old daughter almost 3 years ago in an accident and has found comfort in the services of this clinician. Susan told me that the following a quote from Amber website that her sister Patrice visits (along with ours) – Amber is a Clinical Social Worker and does extensive work and blogging to help with “self healing” using yoga, reiki and other mind & body therapies.… Susuan thought it might help, as it has helped her sister dealing with the mix of feelings the holidays bring to those who might be grieving…Cherie Houston

If you are one of the people for whom the holidays are not so happy (or are perhaps a mix of happy & sad & other stuff), know that you are not alone. I also hope that, as you experience the wide range of human emotion during this holiday time, you can honestly share that with someone who is willing to listen.


Whether you are grieving a recent loss or a more distant one, many people are feeling exactly the same. Maybe it’s time to reach out for a little social contact, maybe it’s time to stay home and rest, or maybe you need a smidge of both. Only you can figure that out for your Self. Denying your Self the right to feel what you feel can have all kinds of negative effects. So pick your favorite self-care strategy or engage in some self-reflection to get you back to your Soul center. It’s right there waiting patiently for you to return. While we struggle with our losses, let us also call to mind the people still here to walk through this life with us.


Whatever your Soul is handling right now, I’m wishing you the grace to let yourself heal and let others in your life know what you need. Be well!

Another trigger that awakens the pain of losing our children

Today, on what should have been my daughter Robin Marie's 40th birthday, I can't help by wonder what might have been had she not died of SIDS when she was so little.  Robin was not quite 8 moths old when she left her dad, and I and her little baby brother Ric (Ric was just 9 1/2 months older than Robin - "Irish Twins" they were always called). 

Yes on July 31st, 1972, we began the grieving process for the second time for the second of our children in less than 2 years... Ric's twin sister Randee Marie had died the day after they were born 12 weeks prematurely on March 16th March 1971... And as most of you know, just a little over 2 years ago on September 19th, 2009, our 36 year old son Robert died - We had joyously welcomed Bobby in August 1973, a year after Robin's death..  I've heard it said it's a blessing that we don't know what the future holds, and oh we've all heard all the other cliches - God only gives you as much as you can bear, it was meant to be, thank god you have other children - the endless list of "comments" recited only by those people who have been fortunate enough to have never known this horrific pain..

So today as we lay roses on Robin's grave, where she lays with her baby sister and big brother, there is a little comfort in knowing I'm not alone..  I know too well, that my heartache & grief , as unbearable as it is from time to time, knows no boundaries - race, color, creed, age of children - no death doesn't discriminate - it simply happens... 

As my heart aches for my 3 children who all died much too soon and "all that might or should have been", each time another child dies, it "triggers" the paniful grief that hides and buries itself deep inside my soul, a pain that is something we learn to suppress, because I'm sure that if each of us didn't learn to do this, there are days when we wouldn't get of bed, never mind continue on as we must.. 

But all too often, when another child dies and someone we know (or even may not know) begins their heartbreaking grief journey, that childs death and awakens our pain ~ a pain which comes raging from those depths and that's how I feel today..  Yesterday, while Dan and I were away with 8 of our 9 grandchildren for a mini-vacation, a high school friend of our son Ric, Joshua and his wife Kristin, laid their only daughter to rest; their beautiful 17 year old daughter Molly. Molly turned 17 on Dec 17th, just 5 days prior to her tragic death in a horrible auto accident, on December 21st.  Molly was their only baby girl ~  just a senior in high school with her whole life yet to be lived.  Molly spent her first Christmas in heaven even before her family had the chance to say goodbye and lay her to rest... 

Our Christmas was wonderful this year with our wonderful 9 grandchildren, 4 sons, 5 daughter-in-laws and a wonderful network of extended family and friends.  However for our family, and I'm sure many who knew Joshua and Krisitn and their family, we couldn't shake the sense of dread for the pain we knew Joshua, Kristin - their only remaining child Nicholas and their entire family were going through, during what should be a joyous season.

For me, I cried for them not just for these initial few days and weeks which I know are so terribly difficult, but more so for the days, months and years that I know that lay ahead for all of them - the responses to Molly college applications, celebrations of her teams soccer season, graduation in June, when all her friends leave for college in the fall - the list that will ramble on for many many years to come..  Yes the pain that will continue for all those moments yet to come when the "what if's" and "if only's" and "should have beens" will take their breath away for the very sad & heartbreaking wrong reasons... 

As the new year approaches, my wish for Joshua and Kristin and for each of you and for myself, is that somehow we will find within ourselves the strength to persevere, to move ahead, to find peace and joy, but accepting the fact that when it is turn for another parent to say goodbye to their child, that like it or not we will relive the pain and the grief, for them and for ourselves and for all that should have been, but will never be...

No, none of knows what the future holds, but it is our responsibility to be there to help ease the pain for those who will need us and to live our lives as happily as we can in memory of and as a testament to our children who have gone too soon, and just as importantly for our family members who are alive and well and deserve our attention and all the love we can muster...

I feel as though I'm babbling a bit, but this year has been a difficult one for our family and many extended family & friends who have sadly goodbye to their young children (most in their 30's and very early 40's-our own children's ages), and it's been difficult sometimes to cope with what we know they are going through and have ahead of them... 

I truly hope and pray that as we welcome the New Year in just a few days, that somehow in someway, we will each find peace and a love filled year ahead and find a way to be grateful for all that we still have and all that was...

Poem - "The Year Before Last"

Most of us can relate to this poem - that moment when we first realize that our child is not going to live in the New Year - it shouldn't shake us to the core, but for many it does - it catches our breath - it brings new tears and sadness, and know that all of those feelings are normal... this poem reflects the feelings so many of us have shared when that moment comes and we realize a new year is ahead, a year in which our child will not participate and that saddens us...

The Year Before Last

~ by Unknown

The holiday season is approaching,
and with it comes the New Year.
Although for me time passes slowly,
New Year's Day will ring in quickly.

I dread this New Year's Day
because they will look at me
in a terribly strange way
when I get misty-eyed,
and talk about something you had done.

After you first left me,
they reasoned when I cried,
"He's only been gone a few months."
And I would catch that look of
understanding in their eyes,
and found some comfort that they knew.

But on last New Year's Day,
my first thought upon awakening was,
Oh God, my son died last year,
not just a few months ago, not even this year,
but last year.
He will never live in this year.

They didn't understand, they didn't reason,
that last year, for me, the loss was still new.
They thought, "It happened last year,
so long ago, why does she still cry?"
I could see it in their eyes.

This New Year's Day, will it be different?
Will my first thought upon awakening be,
Oh God, my son died the year before last,
not a few months ago, not this year or even last year,
but the year before last?
He will never live in this year.

Will they even listen, should I not look them
in the eyes, for fear that I shall see,
"Why is she still crying? It happened so long ago.
It was the year before last."

Those words that we use
to describe the passage of time,
a few months, this year,
last year, the year before last.
They don't know that time stands still for me.

Will they understand that's why I cry?
Don't they know
my son just died ...

the year before last?

My First Christmas in Heaven

From my family to yours, I wish for you a day of peace & joy filled memories of your precious child. Yes, Christmas will always be very different, but I truly believe that they are all celebrating amongst the angels..

I really don't remember who sent the following poem to me in 2009, that first holiday after Bobby died, but thank you if you ar reading htis...  I hope sharing it today, will help each and every one of you find some peace... This is another example of a favorite quote “from the mouth's of babes... “this is certainly one of those and I’m sure reflects the feelings of all our children if they could have spoken to us on their first Christmas in heaven... Cherie Houston

This poem was written by a 13 year old boy who died of a brain tumor that he had battled for four years. He died on December 14, 1997. He gave this to his mom before he died. His name was Ben.

MY FIRST CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear

For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear

But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart.

But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.

And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.

I sent you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.

Was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, my Father said to do.

I can't count the blessing or love he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and Wipe away that tear

Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year

I Will Be There (Tomorrow)

I want to thank Saundra Blade from Clinton, Indiana for sending me the link to this special website www.angelabode.com/holidayideas.html

This website, started by a mom like us, has ideas and tips from other mom’s who are grieving for their child or children during the holidays…    Here is an excerpt and special poem that I loving borrowed from the website, which I believe we can all relate to this Christmas Eve. 

May you and your family find peace this Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and I pray we find joy from our memories, even if they are sprinkled with tears..  Cherie Houston

  

I WILL BE THERE

Sharon J. Bryant

Mom, tomorrow I will be there
Though you may not see
I'll smile and remember
The last Christmas, with you and me

Don't be sad mom
I'm never far away
Your heart has hidden sight
My memory will always stay

I watched as you touched the ornaments
Sometimes a tear was shed as you did
I touched you gently on your shoulder
And on tiptoes I proudly stood

I'm only gone for a little while mom
I'm waiting for the day to be
When God calls out your name mom
We'll be together, just you wait and see

But until that time comes
Carry on as you did when I was there
I tell the angels how much I love you
There are angels here everywhere!

I stand behind you some days
When I know that you are sad
I want you to be happy mom
It would make my heart so glad

So on this Christmas Eve, Mom
Think of me as I will be thinking of you
And touch that special ornament
That I once made for you

I love you mom and dad, also
I know you know I do
And I'll be waiting here for you
When your earthly life is through

Love, Your child in Heaven

It's True-The Holidays Will never be the same again

~ Excert from Susan Apollon’s book, Touched by the Extraordinary, Book Two: Healing Stories of Love, Loss & Hope

"The holidays will never be the same again," she says. "That is true. But life is change, by its very nature. Little by little you will form a new identity and learn to connect with your lost loved one in a different way. You'll form new memories and new traditions. Grieving well can lead to spiritual growth, which means that life itself can become richer and fuller after a profound loss. You'll never forget the person you lost, but you will find joy—even holiday joy—again."

Realize that miracles really do happen at the holidays. Here's the thing about the holidays, says Apollon. They really are magic. You knew this as a child but may have forgotten it. But spiritual occasions like holidays allow us to step outside the box we live in most of the time and let miracles in.

"Paradoxical as it sounds, grief and holidays are a lot alike," she reflects. "They both help us detach from trivial things and focus on what's important, what's real. Open your mind and heart this year and see what happens. Maybe you'll feel a sense of connection with your loved one who passed on, or maybe you'll feel joy for the first time since your loss. Either one might qualify as a miracle."

"It's healthier to feel the sadness and loss than to detach yourself from it," she says. "It's right and normal to grieve; just don't make it the dominant part of who you are."

Remember, says Apollon, the holidays won't always be such a struggle ~ if you work through your grief instead of repressing it, you'll find joy again.

Hugs from Heaven

HUGS FROM HEAVEN
~ by Charlotte Anselmo

When you feel a gentle breeze,

caress you when you sigh
It's a hug sent from Heaven,

From a loved one way up high.

If a soft and tender raindrop,

lands upon your nose
They've added a small kiss,

As fragile as a rose.

If a song you hear fills you

with a feeling of sweet love
It's a hug sent from Heaven,

from someone special up above.

If you awaken in the morning,

to a bluebird's chirping song
It's music sent from Heaven,

to cheer you all day long.

If tiny little snowflakes,

land upon your face
It's a hug sent from Heaven,

trimmed with Angel lace.

So keep the joy in your heart,

if you're lonely my dear friend
Hugs that are sent from Heaven,

a broken heart will mend.

Another View of the Holidays

This next week, which leads up to and includes Hanukkah and Christmas Day for many moms, dads, and grandparents who are grieving the loss of their beloved child or children, grandchild or grandchildren ~ can be quite overwhelming.  I keep reminding myself of the words of many “seasoned grievers” that the anticipation is almost always worse than the reality.. This is our 3rd Christmas without our son Bobby, and in some ways it seems to be the most difficult yet... 

Yes – one week from today, Christmas Day will be here – Hanukah will be in full swing and I want to share with you an article which I have tucked in my wallet and bring out from time to time, but especially this week, to remind me of two things:

1)  To remember and concentrate on the 36 wonderful Christmas Days I had with my son Bobby, for which I will be forever grateful-I wasn’t able to have even one Christmas with either of his little sisters

2)  And just as importantly to force myself to focus on my family who are still alive - my husband Dan, our 4 wonderful sons and their families, which include our incredible 9 grandchildren.  How can I allow my grief to miss their joy of this season, because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and I wouldn’t want to regret missing this time with them..

So I truly hope this will help you in some small way, as it has helped me since Bobby’s death in 2009… It's not easy, but sometimes if we look at things a little differently, it can help us to overcome our fear and anticipation... Cherie Houston

Another View of the Holidays

~ Written by —Jim Hobbs, Jesse’s Father, Denton, TX, From “Where are All the Butterflies?” – BP/Bereaved Parents

Every time I sit down to write my remarks, I like to believe that I’m a wizened old soul who knows other’s pain and how to soften it. That’s what I’d like to believe; but in truth, I’m only half right. I am an old soul who knows other’s pain. With the anticipation of the approaching holidays in mind, pain may become much greater for bereaved families. Having survived two of the holiday seasons since my son Jesse’s death, I can tell you that in my case, the anticipation was the worst part. When Christmas day ended last year, my wife and I were amazed that it had not been nearly as dreadful as we had imagined that it would be. Jesse has not been with us physically these past two years, but his memory will always be sharing our Christmases.

A part of my Christmas will be spent remembering. Memories certainly don’t erase the pain or make up for the physical absence, but one line from the play Steel Magnolias, was “I’d rather have thirty minutes of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special.” That line reminds me that I have three whole really wonderful Christmas days to remember as long as I live, wherever I go.

Grandparents Grieving at the Holidays

Worth repeating for all our grandparents who are grieving for their grandchidlren (and their children who are mourning) at this difficult time of year...

Grandparents Grieving at the Holidays

~ Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.

"When a grandchild dies, grandparents grieve twice. They mourn the loss of the child and they feel the pain of their own child's suffering. Sometimes we forget about the grandparents when a child dies. You can help by not forgetting, by offering the grandparents your love, support and presence in the weeks, months and years to come."

When a grandchild dies, the grandparent often mourns the death on many levels. The grandparent probably loved the child dearly and may have been very close to him or her. The death has created a hole in the grandparent's life that cannot be filled by anyone else.

Grieving grandparents are also faced with witnessing their child-the parent of the child who died-mourn the death. A parent's love for a child is perhaps the strongest of all human bonds. For the parents of the child who died, the pain of grief may seem intolerable. For the grandparents, watching their own child suffer so and feeling powerless to take away the hurt can feel almost as intolerable.

All of the “year end holidays” – Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza (and other significant days-such as the child’s birthday and anniversary of their death) can be very difficult for grandparents.  These holidays and events emphasize again the pain of the grandchild's absence. This pain and sense of loss are natural extensions of the grief process.  It can be even more painful when no one seems to “remember” but them.  Don’t hesitate to speak of your grandchild – others may not want to make you sad, so they may feel it is better not to mention the name – when you do, it allows them the chance to remember with you…

If you know of a grandparent who has suffered this most horrific loss, remember that parents and grandparents alike almost always enjoy hearing the child’s name and are grateful when others remember their child - Your visits, notes or even a quick phone call from someone who “remembers the child” is so comforting, appreciated and offers healing for their broken heart.. It’s wonderful to use the name of the child who died in your personal note and in talking to the grandparent.

Hearing that name can be comforting, and it confirms that you have not forgotten this important child whom the grandparent loved and misses so much

Holiday Relief

I continue to be amazed at how many people are reading our blog and from so many different parts of world... WOW is all I can say...  and I’m just as amazed and thankful for all the wonderful articles so many of you continue to send to me to share with other moms..  I've been surprised bu the number of articles our readers have sent to us with advice on how to get through the holidays and I’m doing my best to post as many as possible..  Thank you and if I don’t share yours this year, I’m saving each and everyone to share at sometime in the future – so thank you. 

I want to thank Deidra Forthingham for the following article.  Deidra recently moved to Tempe, AZ from London, England and lost her only child, 14 year old Michael, who drowned while at camp, in August 2003.. Cherie Houston

Finding Relief Through the Holidays

~ by Clara Hinton

Losing a child changes everything about how a family thinks, sees, tastes, touches, and feels life. Experiences become strangely new and at times so different that it is sometimes frightening. Traditions and times of family fun that once seemed so routine, now feel oddly painful and lonely. Families often find themselves seeking ways to get through the holidays, instead of planning for holiday celebrations with past anticipation and joy.

Probably the first coping mechanism, and the most useful, is to accept the fact that losing a child does change things. Families often change best friends, seeking the support of those who can identify with individual as well as collective needs of the family. Sometimes families change churches. Often, worshiping at the same church is an emotional pain that is too hard to bear. 

Sometimes family members even change jobs, finding it easier to make the work more bearable with a new beginning. It is, therefore, reasonable and necessary to change some of how the family traditionally celebrated the holidays. Losing a child brings about many changes!

Don't place undue expectations on yourselves as a family. When your child died, a very real part of your identity as a family ended, too. Acknowledge that you are now in the very difficult position of holding fast to memories of someone you loved so very much in order to keep that precious child alive within your family. Not everyone will understand, and that often leaves hurt feelings, distances between friends, and even broken relationships within the extended family. Adjusting to the loss of a child is so very difficult for everyone.

Because you miss your child so much, yet you want to still have your holiday season be a time of celebration and joy, you are faced with a most difficult dilemma. Especially hard is facing the first holiday without your child. There will be a unique emptiness felt by each family member.

By including your child in the holiday, you will find that, even though it is painful, you will also feel some healing with your family take place. Many families have found it very healing to buy a gift for the child who has died. Place a holiday stocking on the mantle, and include small gifts in it such as a family journal, a picture frame, or a memorial candle. It is healing to include your child in the holiday in a special way.

Use the child's name when talking. Give family members permission to cry. Nobody expects you to be a super hero, so don't try to be one. It's healing to say, "I miss my baby so much, and I really wish she was with us!" Hold each other up as a family. When we try to deny our sorrow, often the pain only is intensified. Accept grief as a reality, and help each other through the pain.

Do things different, and don't be afraid to break old holiday traditions. Make this your year to begin a new holiday tradition. Maybe buy one really outlandish gift that can be wrapped and re-wrapped year after year. Continue to include that particular gift in the annual family gift exchange. Think of something different that is unique to you as a family. It will help break the heavy grief, and aid you in finding some momentary relief from your pain of loss.

Remind yourselves as a family that there will be a time when things will feel okay again. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You will be able to choose remembering the joy your loved one brought into the family rather than only remembering the grief of the day your child died. When a family celebrates love, the pain becomes less intense, and you will begin to feel relief.


~ Clara Hinton is a Certified Grief Facilitator, founder of The Silent Grief Website, and the author of four books, including Silent Grief. She is the author of a weekly newletter and has contributed to Christian Woman and Church and Family magazines. Clara speaks on college campuses on grief and is a keynote speaker at women's retreats. She has been interviewed on radio stations across the nation and appeared on various TV programs. Clara is a stay-at-home mother of eleven children and wife of 31 years

Today is Special-Join us to Celebrate Your Children

Please join us this evening, Sunday, December 11th, 2011 at 6pm in Lake Havasu City, AZ for our 10th Annual Lights of Love Candlelight Memorial, a time to honor and remember our children who have died too soon. This ceremony is non-denominational and an opportunity for all parents, grandparents, families and friends to reflect and celebrate the lives and memories of our precious loved ones. There is no fee and the candles will be provided. Everyone in the community is invited.

Where: Calvary Baptist Church Sanctuary, 1605 S. McCulloch Blvd., Lake Havasu City, AZ

Fee: None

Notes: Candles will be provided, no charge

This tradition began in 1997 and continues today by The Compassionate Friends for a Worldwide Candle Lighting which unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, creating a virtual wave of light, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memory of children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries. This event is intended to create a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

For those of you reading our blog in other parts of the US or the world, we would encourage you to check with your local chapter of TCF/The Compassionate Friends, your local church or other bereavement support organization - such as hospice, MADD and others... or check this website...

www.compassionatefriends.org/WCL_Misc/2011_services.aspx

How Can I Handle My Grief During the Holidays?

Special thanks to Susan Brockerman from Rockland, MD for sending this article to be posted on our blog.. Susan said it was given to her a few months after her 26 year old son Jason died in an auto accident in the spring of 2009, shortly before Easter - a very big holiday celebration time in their family. Since then, each year before Easter and again for Thanksgiving thru New Years, she pulls it out and reads it almost daily; she hopes it might help another mom going through the same heartache at this difficult time of the year … Cherie Houston

How Can I Handle My Grief During the Holidays?

By Jennifer LaRue Huget, Oct. 24, 2008

It's easy to feel isolated during the holiday season when you've lost a loved one. Everyone else seems so happy when you feel so sad.

"It's a tough situation for people" says Dale G. Larson, professor of counseling psychology at Santa Clara University in California. "The key is to acknowledge that you have changed and that the holidays aren't going to be the same. It's important to know that from the outset."

David Kessler, a Los Angeles-based expert on grief and loss who maintains a Web site called grief.com and has collaborated with the late Elisabeth Kubler-Ross on books about death and dying, explains that "Grief is the internal feelings we have, while mourning is an external process. One of the ways we help work through our grief is to externalize it."

Looking for ways to openly acknowledge your grief during the holidays may help you weather them, and perhaps even find joy. (Kessler is an advisor to Tributes.com, a Web site at which people can set up memorials to those they've lost free of charge, access resources about coping with grief, and connect with others who are grieving.)

Here are some suggestions from Larson and Kessler for managing grief during these emotion-filled holiday weeks:

·         Give yourself permission to have pleasure. "That's a tough assignment sometimes," Larson says. "Some people feel guilty to have joy or pleasure" when they're mourning. "But you should honor your loved one by allowing joy. They would want that. It doesn't weaken your connection."

·         Include the deceased in your conversations and other activities. "Look for excuses to talk about this person you've lost, in ways that honor them. Show people you're okay talking about him if you want to. Go through photos, videos. Have a stocking for him if that's in keeping with your tradition," Larson suggests. "It's a matter of having your loved one involved in ritual. You have to embrace that that's how it's going to be from now on."

·         Share your sentiments: "At Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, ask 'Can we start with a prayer for the one who died?'" Kessler suggests. ""Light a candle. Go around the table and have everyone share a favorite memory." If folks at the table aren't so inclined, find a private moment to say that prayer or otherwise honor that memory.

·         Develop a Plan A and Plan B: "Let Plan A be 'I'm going to go to Thanksgiving dinner,'" Kessler offers. "Plan B can say that, 'If it's too rough, too hard to be with everyone, I'm going to stay home and watch his favorite movie, take a walk through a favorite place of ours. I'm going to give in to grief if it overwhelms me.'" Kessler says that when people go into holiday events with a Plan A and a Plan B, "They usually make it through dinner. Without Plan B, they feel only emptiness. With Plan B, they feel sadness but not emptiness."

·         Cancel Hanukkah or Christmas: "Many find comfort in the holidays, the routine, the deep spiritual connection," Kessler says. "But if it's too hard for you this year, it's really okay to cancel a holiday." Kessler cites the experience of the actor Anthony Perkins's family after Perkins died. "The first Hanukkah or Christmas, they decided to go on with their holiday, no matter what," he says. "But the following year they looked back on that and felt it had been painful and mechanical and hadn't allowed for their grief. So they canceled Christmas the second year." Taking a year off, Kessler explains, lets you and your family "go through your feelings without pressure to be joyful and fun." Starting the third year after Hopkins's death, Kessler adds, his family was able to "create a new Christmas."

·         Seek a sympathetic ear: "If you feel you're not able to function, to find balance, to find any distance from the pain, seek help," Larson advises. "Find a grief support group, where you'll find instant empathy from people who have suffered similar losses." Don't like groups? Look for an individual counselor. Or, he suggests, "call your local hospice program and see if they have a support program that you can just drop in on for the holidays."

Quote from Elizabeth Edwards

A year ago today, Elizabeth Edwards, went home to heaven and a few days later we remembered her here on our blog…  On this the first anniversary of her “going home” I thought it fitting to again share one of my favorite "words of wisdom" quotes that this courageous mom shared with the world after the death of her beloved son Wade in 1996 (and as many of you will remember, that is when she retired from being a lawyer) ~ 

At this challenging time of year, the sentiments of this quote are even more poignant… Cherie Houston 

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention their child because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died -- you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift. "

How blessed she was to have her son Wade waiting for her - I'm sure their reunion a year ago was just as wonderful as she'd always imagined.... R.I.P. Elizabeth Edwards ~ you were an inspiration to so many of your “sisters in grief”

Poem about Lighting Candles & Christmas Day

When The Time Comes For Lighting Festive Candles, 

Let Them Remind You Not Only Of What You Lost

But What You Had.

I thought I would share this poem, from the Bereaved Parents archives, about the upcoming holiday season…  This was written by Carolyn Bryan ~ John Michael Bryan’s Mother ~ Orange Park, FL

Christmas Day

Christmas is coming, it’s that time of year.
But things won’t be the same this year.
There’s no little boy to be patient and wait
As he tries so hard to anticipate

What he’ll get on that happy day,
When Santa Claus will come his way.
For there are no presents for my little boy,
There’ll be no more games or no more toys.

But even though Santa will pass us by
The memory of you will never die.
For if I close my eyes, I can see,
The way Christmases used to be.

I can see you open each gift with surprise,
I can see the happiness light up your eyes.
Your joy and excitement was a sight to behold.
These are treasures worth more than gold.

Christmas won’t be the same, it’s true
But Christmas will always hold part of you.
For the joy you were, can’t be taken away,
And I’ll remember my son on Christmas Day.

December 11th-6pm - 10th Annual Lights of Love Candlelight Memorial

Mark your calendar and please join us Sunday evening, December 11^th, 2011 in Lake Havasu City, AZ for our 10^th Annual Lights of Love Candlelight Memorial, a time to honor and remember our children who have died too soon. This ceremony is non-denominational and an opportunity for all parents, grandparents, families and friends to reflect and celebrate the lives and memories of our precious loved ones. There is no fee and the candles will be provided. The community is invited. Please plan to attend our 10^th Annual Lights of Love celebration...

Date: Sunday evening, December 11^th

Time: 6pm

Where: Calvary Baptist Church Sanctuary, 1605 S. McCulloch Blvd., Lake Havasu City, AZ

Fee: None

Notes: Candles will be provided, no charge

This tradition was begun in 1997 and continues today by The Compassionate Friends for a Worldwide Candle Lighting which unites family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause. As candles are lit at 7 p.m. local time, creating a virtual wave of light, hundreds of thousands of persons commemorate and honor the memory of children in a way that transcends all ethnic, cultural, religious, and political boundaries.

Now believed to be the largest mass candle lighting on the globe, the Worldwide Candle Lighting, a gift to the bereavement community from The Compassionate Friends (TCF), creates a virtual 24-hour wave of light as it moves from time zone to time zone. Hundreds of formal candle lighting events are held and thousands of informal candle lightings are conducted in homes as families gather in quiet remembrance of children who have died, but will never be forgotten.

The Worldwide Candle Lighting started in the United States in 1997 as a small Internet observance but has since swelled in numbers as word has spread throughout the world of the remembrance.

TCF has been joined in recent years by chapters of several organizations including MISS, MADD, Parents of Murdered Children, SIDS Network, Gilda's Club, BPUSA, local bereavement groups, including Journey from Mourning to Joy, churches, funeral homes, hospitals, hospices, children's gardens, schools, cemeteries, and community centers in all 50 states plus Washington D.C. and Puerto Rico . Services range in size from just a few people to nearly a thousand.

For those of you reading our blog in other parts of the US or the world, we would encourage you to check with your local chapter of TCF/The Compassionate Friends or any of the other groups noted above for..

Many groups and organizations are also listing their events on a referral site, provided by the following Link from “The Compassionate Friends List of Candle Lighting's World Wide”:

www.compassionatefriends.org/WCL_Misc/2011_services.aspx

Finding peace and joy during this season

For so many of us after the death of our children, it seems inconceivable that we can or will ever find joy again of any type, but during the holidays when so many happy and wonderful memories fill our hearts, it seems inconceivable. Our child is gone – how can we be joyous???, what do we have to be joyous about?

When my son Bobby died just over two years ago on September 19th, 2009, my heart was broken and I truly couldn’t imagine that I would ever find joy again – but that was my heart – my heartbroken heart - speaking.

In time however, even that first Christmas - just a few weeks after he died, as I watched his children and all our grandchildren, the logical voice inside me reminded me it was okay not to be joyous right now, but that it was not only possible but probable, that I and all of our family – including Bobby’s wife and two little boys and brothers whose hearts were still so raw and shattered, that in time, we would all find joy again.

Thanksgiving thru New Years, and especially Christmas, has always been my favorite holiday season since I was a child. And through the years I did my best to impart that same joy to my children, 3 wonderful sons, Ric, Bob and my youngest Sean. But, in the early 70’s, almost 40 years prior to Bobby’s death, I had been privileged to have two beautiful little girls: Randee was born in March 16, 1971 and died the following day; and 9 months later Robin was born December 29th of the same year and she died the following summer of 1972. No one could have convinced me I’d ever find joy again, but in time, despite the overwhelming pain and heartaches of their deaths, I learned from my 3 sons and others around me to be happy again and to enjoy not only the holidays, but all of life’s special occasions and blessings.

Yes I did find great joy, but that isn’t to say that when special events happened throughout the years – birthdays, especially my son Ric’s because he was Randee’s twin brother, graduations, proms, first communions, confirmations, weddings and then the births of our grandchildren – despite the joy of those events there were always moments of sadness reminding me of how much I missed the girls, often feeling as though I’d just lost them weeks or months before.

The death of our children changes us forever and no matter what you've read or been told, I believe that our grieving for them will last until we join them. But life does go on, with or without us, and for those left behind ~ our other children and family members, and ourselves ~ it would be even sadder for us not to find joy again.

It's okay and normal to feel as we do as we grieve (and we all know the way we feel changes in a blink of any eye on this journey from mourning to joy), but between those moments of overwhelming sadness, keep a watchful eye out for that little flicker of peace and joy, that if you welcome and allow it, it will continue to grow. I wish you can find a little peace this holiday season and know and believe that joy is possible again, how could it not be..

We were blessed and given the wonderful privilege of having these children in our lives – be it for the months we carried them or the all too few years until their deaths; what incredible gifts we received from them.

I have learned in these two years that our lives are forever changed by Bobby's death - I miss him more than I ever believed possible and my life will always be different - the incredible joy I used to feel, well I'm not sure that will ever return. But this new more subdued joy, is joy nonetheless. And how could there not be joy in my life - I am blessed with an adoring husband, 2 wonderful sons and 2 wonderful step-sons; 5 beautiful daughter-in-laws and 9 of the most amazingly incredible grandchildren anyone could ever ask for and a network of friends and family that have supported us in more ways than I can count... Yes - I am blessed and have countless reasons to find joy each and every day...

So from one grieving heart to another as we enter this month of joyous celebrations - in memory and celebration of our children who are no longer with us, I wish that we each will find peace, joy and happiness again in all that surrounds us and our families, this holiday season. Cherie Houston

Surviving the Holidays While Grieving

Alright - Thanksgiving is over and hopefully it was not as difficult as you imagined. For many though, the worst of the holiday season is yet to come and yes, like it or not, December 1^st is just a few days away.. That means Hanukkah, Christmas and New Years are fast approaching and we can’t stop them.. Know that no matter how hard this seems, you will get through the holidays and the more you prepare yourself and decide what you can and can’t do, the easier it will be.  Be patient with yourself and others, and there is nothing wrong with saying NO.. Cherie Houston

Surviving the Holidays While Grieving

~ By Roslyn Romeny Reynolds

The house lights are twinkling, Christmas trees glimmer out of every front window, and joyous music fills the air, but your heart seems immune to the joy. As much as you want to, you can't feel the happiness this season used to bring. All you feel is--alone. The holidays usually bring family gatherings, hours spent choosing and wrapping special gifts for loved ones, and a wonderful feeling of good will and happiness.

Yet, for one who has lost a loved one, the holidays can be one of the darkest times of the year. It can be painful to remember the special together times the holidays used to bring--and to realize that it will never be that way again.

It can be painful to see others still with their loved ones, to watch as they hold hands, or sit snuggled into each other, and to be reminded yet again that you are alone. Even the good memories can be painful. Each memory can awaken the dull ache in the chest and open the floodgates as tears flow yet again. The sweetness of the memories is in sharp contrast to the emptiness of now.

Others may try to help us by including us in their festivities, but we may not feel 'up' to joining in the celebrations. It's okay to say, "No thanks" if the thought of being at a holiday party turns your stomach. The time will come when you look forward to the chance to go out. Allow yourself to be where you are in your grieving process.

What can we do to lessen the pain, and to increase our ability to feel peace in this, the Season of Peace?

First, realize that it is normal to feel down during the holidays when you've lost a loved one. Don't berate yourself. If you're having a 'down' day, accept it as 'normal', but also admit that tomorrow holds the possibility of being a better day.

Second, reach out. Find someone you can talk to, someone who understands what you're going through, and visit. Share what helps you each get through hard times, and you'll both come away stronger. One woman suggested finding a joke, the cornier the better, to share each week. That way her spirits are lifted, and she brings a smile to the people she shares with, too.

Third, decide that this holiday season, you're going to give yourself a gift. It can be something tangible, that you wrap and put under the tree, or a new idea or habit you are going to implement that will improve your quality of life. Do one thing for yourself that will bring a smile to your face!

Fourth, determine to read uplifting literature this month. The words we read have a great effect upon us, so we are wise to fill our minds with the greatest words ever written. Of course, scripture fits the season perfectly, but in addition, there are hundreds of great books that attest to the potential and actual goodness of humanity. Read something heartwarming, and be lifted! (Of course, one to include each December is Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Better than any movie ever made of it, the book is sure to have you smiling as you read the last line!)

Lastly, find a way to lift someone else. The Christmas celebrations originated, after all, honoring the birth of One who gave His whole life for others. It could be a good deed done anonymously, or you could simply spend time with someone who is lonely or down. It's a generally accepted fact that a sure way to forget your own troubles is to help someone else to forget theirs, if only for a few minutes.

The holidays can be a painful reminder of all that is wrong in our lives. On the other hand, we can do our best to see them as a time to celebrate the Goodness that came into the world two thousand years ago--and to spread some of that goodness through our own life and to all those we come in contact with.

Roslyn Romney Reynolds wrote SOLO - Getting It All Together When You Find Yourself Alone after her husband drowned while on an outing with their three youngest children. She has since interviewed women from many parts of the country who've endured loss and gleaned seven essentials to help move through the grieving process and on to hope and healing after tragic loss.

Her book is available at http://www.roslynreynolds.com/.

Her blog is found at http://www.sistersinhope.com/.

Poem - "Angels in Heaven"

Angels in Heaven

~ By Tammy L. Tobac 1993 (TCF)

We have angels in heaven
Who look down on us here
while the world all around us says
"Be of good cheer!"

Everyone else is bustling about
We simply watch it go by, yet we just want to shout~
Don't you know it's not merry at this time of year,
when our lives feel so empty and our eyes fill with tears.

We can't bear the thought of another holiday
without our precious loved one who was taken away.

But your child's spirit does live on,
though their physical being may be gone.

Look around and you will see
their soul lives on in your memory.

You'll see your child's eyes so bright
In every twinkling Christmas light.

There are angels in heaven, Who look down on us here
And they are trying to tell us, Don't worry we're near!

We love you and miss you, we'll never be far...
Just look to the sky and the bright Christmas star.

Take a special moment throughout these blessed days
to remember me in the kindest of ways...
Give my smile to a person, who needs it like you,
and my spirit will live on through the things that you do.

This was written by Tammy L. Tobac, 1993, who wrote this for the Compassionate Friends Holiday Candlelighting Ceremony – held throughout the world during the holiday season on the 2^nd Sunday in December for all who have suffered the loss of a child.

Our 5th Annual Retreat - Feb. 24-26th, 2012

Just a reminder to all that our 5th Annual Retreat is just 3 months away.. We will be discussing this more in the weeks to come and we want to be sure that there is a spot reserved for everyone who wants to join us... Ask anyone who has attended prior retreats and they will tell you why they always return... it is wonderful experience in every respect..

OUR 5TH ANNUAL 2012 JOURNEY TO JOY RETREAT

Please Join Us..

• When: 2012 - Friday, Feb 24th at 3pm until Sunday, Feb. 26th at 12N
• Where: Stagecoach Trails Guest Ranch, 19985 S. Doc Holiday Rd, Yucca, AZ 86438 http://www.stgr.com/
• Cost: $175.00 for weekend, which includes 2 nights lodging, meals and all materials
• Balance: Must be paid in full no later than Jan. 15TH, 2012
• Checks: Please make checks payable to: "A Journey to JOY," and mailed to:

"A Journey to JOY"

Attn.: Debbie

P.O. Box 980, LHC, AZ 86405

Questions: please contact Joyce Floyd - texaslady@rraz.net

Registration forms are available at the weekly meetings or email us and we will gladly email or mail you the forms... Remember, space is limited so reserve your spot now...

We are grateful that each and every mom participating in this weekend agrees to take part in all the events planned, including the presentation by our special guest and the Candlelight Ceremony, so that together we can continue on our journey....

Unanimously we agree this is a great spot for rest & relaxation, but this wonderful spot is chosen for our annual retreat, not as a spa weekend, but a special place of healing for moms wanting to partake in all that is offered to help them on their special journey to joy..