~ by Cherie Houston
Today I remember my son Ric and his twin sister Randee Marie, who were born 41 years ago yesterday, March 16th, 1971... Yesterday Ric celebrated his 41st birthday - he is a wonderful husband, father, son and loved more than he knows... Today, 41 years ago, Ric's baby twin sister, Randee Marie died March 17, 1971 - they were born very premature - 12 weeks, so it was a miracle that Ric survived, but he thrived and is now a dad to 2 wonderful children of his own.. Life is amazing and we never know what's in store, because as I remember my beloved daughter today, I also celebrate the birthday of Ric's youngestr child, his little girl "Randee Marie" - yes RandeeMarie was born March 17th, 2003 - 32 years to the day that her name sake, her dad's twin died... There's no doubt, despite the sadness, life certainly can be incredible....
No matter who or what we are – male, female, young or old, rich or poor , despite our race, ethnicity or religion, throughout our lifetime, we will each be impacted by overwhelming & devastating loss, it will sadly happen more times than we’d like to imagine, and that is simply the reality of living and loving ..
During each of these journeys, as we adjust to the death of someone we truly and deeply loved, we will realize that this isn’t a task or skill that we can simply master so that it will be easier in the future. No, grief is simply something we warily learn to adjust to and live with and we must face the reality that each loss is and will also be unique.
Another reality is that as the months and years go by on this journey of grief, each of us must and will find our own way of dealing with the pain and the daily challenges that are a result of our grief journeys.. Yes, in time, the heartbreak will begin to heal and further into our journey, we will even learn to find peace and joy, but despite what others may tell us, there will never be a return to the normal that existed before that loved one died. No, despite all the clichés about "time heals all", our hearts will never be the same as they were before, they will forever be very different.
Personally, I think that a result of the harsh reality of this grief journey, that as our hearts heal, in some respects they become softer, more compassionate and bruise more easily… But, they also grow – they get stronger allowing us to face those bruises and challenges that we thought impossible and as our hearts change, they actually allow for more love than we ever thought possible. Yes our hearts and minds will change, and we have to be willing to accept those changes..
Sorry - there is no cure for this “affliction” we call grief, we can't simply walk & raise money and erase this journey.. The path we take during this journey will be different for us all, and sadly enough we will all make this journey several times during our lives for parents, siblings, friends and for all too many of us, it will be a grief journey for our children who go before us... but each and every one of these journeys will be unlike the other. No, no two journeys will be same, each and every time we make this journey it will be different from the last, they are each unique. Reality is, that grief is not a learned skill, no matter how many times we make the journey, we can never fine tune it and become prepared, so that the next time, and yes there will be a next time, there is no way to complete the task of “grieving” and getting thru it more quickly…
For me, each and every time I’ve made this journey I’ve realized I must be patient with myself. It is so hard for others to comprehend what this horrible loss and the resulting grief journey feels like... When I've tried to describe how I feel to others, I liken this grief journey and learning to cope with the deaths of my 3 children, as to having woken up one day, all alone in the middle of a foreign country - no idea how I got there.. Not only am I alone (yes I have family but they are far away in their own reality), but here, I don't know my way around, I don't know the terrain so I can't prepare for the struggle of climbing the rugged mountains that lay ahead or sliding down the slipperly slopes; I don't know or understand the language so I find it so difficult to communicate even my basic of needs to those around me...
But despite being dropped in this foreign land, I also know that I can't simply stand still. No, instead, each day I must force myself to move forward just a step or two. I have to learn another word or two, so others can hear and understand me… Eventually, I will learn to accept that this is where I now live, there is no going back and it will never be the same. No I will never be who I was before each of my children died. But in time, and with patience, I will learn the terrain, recognize the intersections and begin to understand the language…
Be patient –don’t rush the journey – because if you do, most find that it will become more difficult and complicated in time. So go easy – tread lightly – it takes time to become acquainted with your new and unfamiliar surroundings, but in time, you will and you will learn to smile when you look back.
So remember and take heart, that despite the overwhelming heartache we experience on the grief journey, that life is wonderful and despite it all, it's better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all... There's no doubt, despite the heartaches, life certainly is amazing...
Cherie Houston ~ In Loving Memory of my angel baby, Randee Marie Wood March 16-17, 1971
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