~ by Cherie Houston
Why is it that so many of us who have lost children tend to
focus more on our children’s deaths instead of their lives??
My beloved “Nana Mae” died 13 years ago this month at the
young age of 89. She was without doubt
the most important person in my life growing up ~ my children were blessed to
have her in their lives until they themselves were adults. We all miss her greatly and I feel her
with me always and believe she’s watching over all of us… But her death and the mourning process for
her was so very different than that the deaths and mourning processes for my three (3) children-which seem at times to be endless. When my grandmother died, like with most adults who die, we all remembered
how she lived and what she meant to each of us – we celebrated her life and even now when I think of her, I think of everything she was and did, and almost always concentrate on all the
wonderful happy memories we created together. It is very rare that I think about those last days and hours of her life.
Why then is it so different for those of us who have endured
the tragedy of losing a child or children – it is almost always the total
opposite, especially in the first 4-5 years or more... As parents, most of us find ourselves
concentrating on our children’s deaths and not their lives.. Is it because when children die, the entire
natural order of the past, present and future seem to have been turned upside
down and are simply totally out of whack!!!
After all as parents, we always just assume that we will be the ones to
pass away first, leaving our children to carry our names and legacies into the
future… When our children die before
us, we are forced to lose this innocent sense of balance. Yes,
accepting the death of a child is an intense, extremely challenging,
agonizing task. It takes a lot of time
before we can remember our children with smiles, concentrating on the wonderful
happy memories we had with them – even if those memories are simply of a short,
unfinished pregnancy, or a baby born an angel, or children who receive their
angel wings as young infants or those who may have grown into adulthood…
Yes the mourning process for those of us who have lost
children, is very different from that of losing any other family member or
friend during our life - no matter how close we were to them it is so different…
Maybe that is why it is so terribly difficult for those
around us to understand or comprehend what we are going thru as grieving parents.. How often they seem to wonder why it's so difficult for us to simply "move forward" But think about it, almost everyone around us when they try to relate to grieving, thru their own grieving experiences, they - like myself - only focus on wonderful shared memories of a life lost,
not of a future stolen from them…
Give yourself time – time and more time. It takes months, even years, to open your heart and mind to healing. It's important to choose to survive, give yourself time, and you will heal.. Accept the fact that finding your "new normal" takes time, lots if time, because the death of our children is different and unique from any other loss we will ever experience..…
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