Seasons of the heart

Seasons of the Heart ~ by Gen Linski, Manitoba Canada

A few short months ago, I sat on my cottage deck and listened to the loons and the cracking of the ice as Winter shed its cloak and Spring shone through.  

Once again I sit and observe the wonders of nature.  The green and gold of the Autumn leaves shimmer in the frosty air and their reflections are captured on the glass image of the crystal clear waters. 

How much like the changing of the seasons is the process of grief.  One season can be dark, gloomy, and filled with despair, then burst out into a season of color, life, and hope.  Following an emotional high, the comfort of Autumn surrounds us as the cycle of life revolves and the sparkle returns to our eyes. 

With the passing of each season comes not an ending but a new beginning.  And as the seasons change, we, too, will change.  We will pass through the tunnel of despair and on to the eternal light that only we who have experienced the living hell can come to understand. 

Is this not nature’s way of healing the season of the heart? 

It Begins with Halloween - the dreaded Holiday Season

IT BEGINS WITH HALLOWEEN

~ by Kim Brundt

The holidays can be nightmares in the making for parents who have buried their child/baby. After all, most holidays are geared toward children, children who are no longer here with us. We may not have other living children to carry on the celebration with, or we may be unable to emotionally do so if there are other children.  

The period most dreaded begins with Halloween and runs through the New Year. I remember wishing that I could go to sleep on October 30th and not wake up until January 3rd or 4th. But, realistically we all know that this is not a possibility. So, what can a hurting parent do to survive these days that can bring us so much pain?

To begin with, be gentle with yourself, your spouse or significant other and any surviving children. Talk to each other. Find out what each is feeling before making any decisions as to what you will or will not do.

If surviving children are too young to really know what’s going on, then they probably will not miss out if you decide to not put up a tree. Even older children may need to downplay the first holidays after losing a baby sister or brother, and are uncomfortable telling their already hurting parents. Once you and your immediate family decide what is right, you then tell the extended family what has been decided. Do not allow others to pressure you into doing something that is not comfortable.

I know from experience and from speaking with many other hurting moms and dads that often our anticipation of the holiday is worse than the actual day itself. This is especially true if you have given the days ahead a lot of thought and have decided on a plan of what you would like to try to do.  There are many ways to include your child into your holiday plans. Some ideas I have used and

heard of are:

·         Buying and decorating a balled Christmas tree. That tree can later be planted in honor of your child.

·         Ordering special flowers to place in a special spot in your house or to carry with you to other houses as you go.

·         Decorating your child’s grave and visiting the grave before or after the day’s activity.

·         Dedicating the altar flowers at your place of worship in your child’s name.

·         Donating gifts that you would have bought for your child to a needy child. (Many parents have found a special peace by being able to go out and actually buy the special things for their children that they had been planning on all along, then pass them on to another child whose Christmas may not have been as special otherwise.)

·         Lighting a candle or placing an ornament on a tree to honor your child.

·         Attending a special service dedicated to the honor of our children such as the International Candlelight Ceremony (held the 2^nd Sunday in December worldwide*).

The ideas are endless and very personal. It is important to look into your own heart and do what

brings you and yours the peace you need. If you are not sure if something is right, try it out and, if it is not what you expected, then next year try something else.

I know if I look hard enough in my heart, I usually will find what I need to do for my boys, Jonathan and Jacob.  I will light a candle this year as I do every year in honor and celebration of all our children. I will say a special prayer for you and as always my wish for you is peace, hope and love in the days ahead.

With hugs and more hugs, Kim Brundt

Lovingly lifted from BP/USA  -Central Savannah River Area Chapter

*This years annual Candlelight Ceremony will be held on Sunday evening, December 9th, 2012 at the Calvary Baptist Church in Lake Havasu City, AZ - check with your local bereaved parents support group to find out where & when they will holding their candlelight ceremony...

That Time of Year

~ Mary Cleckley -Bereaved Parents/Member at Large

It’s Halloween time again. Is that thought bothering you? It probably is, particularly if you had a little one who would have been out doing a little tricking and getting a lot of treating that night.

Or, maybe your child was too small or didn’t live to see even one Halloween. That hurts too, doesn’t it?

Sometimes we grieve for what was and sometimes we grieve for what could have been.

Maybe, like me, your child was too old for conning neighbors into treats, but it still is a hard night in the beginning. All special days and nights are. 

If you have small children who need to be a part of this special night, maybe a family member or a good friend will accompany them on their appointed rounds. They’ll enjoy the evening just as much and you can “treat” yourself by choosing to stop the world and get off for a little while. 

If you have no children at home, this may be a good time to close up shop for that one night. Take in a movie – or stay at home and give no inviting signs that say you want to participate in the festivities of the evening.

Do what is comfortable for you. One day you will be able to enjoy treating the little ones again. This just may not be the year. Isn’t it good to know our needs and abilities change as time goes by?

From Halloween until after the new year arrives, it helps to prepare ourselves that  this time of year can be overwhelming, especially the first few years after your child has died, no matter their age.  Go easy on yourself and try to be patient with others - remember those around us mean well as they “encourage” us to participate during the holiday season, but remember you need to do what is right for you and those who love you will understand…and if they don't, well that's OK too.. Cherie Houston

Angel Babies...

Angel Babies...

~ author unknown

The world may never notice 

If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom, 

Or even pause to wonder 

If the petals fall too soon. 

But every life that ever forms, 

Or ever comes to be, 

Touches the world in some small way 

For all eternity. 

The little one we long for 

Was swiftly here and gone. 

But the love that was then planted 

Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty, 

Our hearts know what to do. 

Every beating of our hearts 

Says that we do love you.

Characteristics Of Parental Grief

Parental grief is boundless. It touches every aspect of a parent's being...When a child dies, parents grieve for the rest of their lives. Their grief becomes part of them...  As time passes, parents come to appreciate that grief is their link to the child, their grief keeps them connected to the child.  

~ by ARNOLD AND GEMMA, IN CORR ET AL. 1996, 50-51

We all know and understand that death is an experience that is common to all mankind, an experience that touches all members of the human family. Death transcends all cultures and beliefs; there is both commonality and individuality in the grief experience. When a loved one dies, each person reacts very differently. 

A child's death, however, is such a wrenching event that all affected by it express sadness and dismay and are painfully shaken. Such a devastating loss exacts an emotional as well as a physical toll on the parents and family - it is often referred to as an inconsolable grief.

Bereavement specialists point to the commonalities of parental grief that may include an overwhelming sense of its magnitude, a sense that the pain will last forever, a sense that the grief is etched into one's very being. They explain that it is also important for these parents to express their anger outwardly so that it will not turn inward and possibly become a destructive force in the future. 

These specialists say that although there are many commonalities in parental grief, individual reactions often vary and that the same person may even experience contradictory reactions. 

These specialists also say that the two responses experienced most commonly by bereaved parents are a baffling sense of disorientation and a deep conviction that they must never let go of the grief.

How to help someone whose child has died.

So many experiences in life don't come with "sets of instructions" as to what we should and shouldn't do - when a close friend or family member experiences the tragic loss of a child, it is more important than ever to do (or not do) certain things in a loving and caring manner.    Paula Janowski from Queens, New York sent this to me hoping we could share these comments from other grieving parents.  Paula's hope is that together we might be able to create a master do & don't list, which we could circulate to hospitals, clergy and funeral homes that might help family and friends learn how they can be more supportive - because we know the death of a child is unique and like no other... so if you have a tip you'd like to share, please send it to me...Cherie Houston

How to Help Someone whose Child Has Died...

When someone we care about experiences the death of their child, no matter the age or circumstances of the death ~ whether the loss was due to a miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or other cause of sudden infant death ~ whether the child was a toddler, teenager or adult – it is their “child” and the heartache is overwhelming.  As a loving family member or friend there are things that you can do to help them through the difficult and challenging time of grieving....

First and foremost – do not avoid the family – parents who have gone thru this experience always say when friends and family avoided them, even though they knew they were probably just unsure of what to say or do, it only added to their pain and the isolation they felt. We hope the following suggestions are offered to assist you:

DO’s

·         Do get in touch and let your genuine concern and caring show.

·         Do be available to listen, to help with the other children, or whatever else seems needed at the time. Offer help with practical matters like house cleaning and meals.

·         Do say you are sorry about what happened to their baby and about their pain.

·         Do allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling at the moment and are willing to share. Accept silence; if the family doesn’t feel like talking, don’t force conversation. Follow their lead.

·         Do encourage them to be patient with themselves, not to expect too much of themselves and not to impose any “shoulds” on themselves.

·         Do allow them to talk about their child and share with them your own favorite memories of their child..

·         Do give special attention to the siblings of the child that died, again no matter the age.

·         Do reassure them that they did everything that they could, the medical care their child received was the best, or whatever else you know to be true and positive about them as parents.

·         Do encourage them to seek outside help, either from a health professional, another bereaved parent, their clergy or a support group.

·         Do – and this is so important - remember the family on their child’s birthday, anniversary of death, Mothers Day, Fathers Day and other occasions.

·         Do be patient with them. Coping with the death of their child may take a long time, longer than the grieving process for other adults, including parents, siblings and friends, so it[s important that you stay in touch.

DON’Ts

·         Don’t let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out to the bereaved family.

·         Don’t avoid the family because you are uncomfortable.

·         Don’t say you know how they feel (unless you’ve lost a child yourself, there is no way you can know how they feel.)

·         Don’t pry, especially asking for details about the child’s death. If the family offers information, listen with understanding, but realize how difficult this is for them to relive those days and/or hours repeatedly.

·         Don’t tell them what they should feel or do or impose your religious or spiritual views on them.

·         Don’t change the subject when they mention their dead child - they want and need to talk about their child and not just today but in the months and years to come....

·         Don’t point out that at least they have another child; or could have more children in the future.

·         Don’t blame anyone for the death. Don’t make comments which suggest that the care they were getting, whether that was in the hospital, emergency room, at home, treatment program – whatever or wherever, was inadequate.

·         Don’t try to find something positive about the child’s death. Avoid clichés and easy answers – there are none.

·         Don’t avoid mentioning the child’s name out of fear of reminding them of their pain.

·         Don’t say “you ought to be feeling better by now” or anything else which implies a judgment about their feelings, or sets time expectations or limits their healing process – the death of a child is unlike any other…

Letting go...

~ by Melodie Beattie

“Letting go" doesn’t mean we don’t care. 

"Letting go" doesn’t mean we shut down.

"Letting go" means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave the way we want them to. 

"Letting go" means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. 

"Letting go" means we stop trying to do the impossible, controlling that which we cannot-and instead, focus on what is possible—which usually means taking care of ourselves.

And when we "Let Go", we do so in gentleness, kindness, and love, as much as possible.”

Grandparent Grief - Helping Your Grieving Child (part 3 of 3)

Grandparent Grief - Helping Your Grieving Child (part 3 of 3)  Continued from Blog Posting on October 1st, 2012..

~ By Margaret H. Gerner

What Can We Do

 Encourage Talking - Like you, bereaved parents have a strong need to talk about what they think and feel. Encourage talking. Never say, "You shouldn't say that." Allow them to talk about their child and about their child's death.

Allow your Child to Cry - Crying, even sobbing, is healthy and necessary. Repressed tears can lead to a host of physical ailments. Tears are helpful in getting out the pain and releasing pent up stress. Never say, "control yourself." Avoid worrying about what other people will think if your child cries in front of them. Your child is not there to take care of others. Remember, this bout of crying will pass, and while it may disturb you for awhile, your child will feel better. Crying with your child can be therapeutic for both of you.

Talk about your Grandchild - Don't worry that it will make your child cry. You don't remind her of her child. He is on her mind most of the time, anyway. Talking about the child tells her you care. If she cries, she is crying because her child is dead, not because you brought it up. Actually, the tears you may help to precipitate can be good for her.

Listen to your Bereaved Child - The greatest gift you can give your child is a listen. Few bereaved parents have someone who will listen to stories about their child or to how guilty or angry they feel. You can be that listener. Even if you have not had open communication with your child up to now, you can change that. One of the most talked-about subjects in groups of young bereaved parents is the lack of understanding from their parents. If you really listen, you'll understand. Your child needs you to listen and needs you terribly.

Non-judgmental listening. Our generation has been taught to:  "Control" ourselves, keep feelings inside, that the person who doesn't talk about the loss of a loved one and who doesn't cry is doing "well". These ideas are wrong, and certainly not helpful. We now know that suppressed grief is unhealthy, both emotionally and physically.

At the same time, we have been taught to love, to help others, to grow and adjust. We've been taught to be creative and try new things. You can use these positive teachings in listening to and loving your child.  A lot of what your child may say and feel will seem irrational. Just putting these things into words helps them to realize how illogical these thought may be. Just let them speak and discover for themselves.

Physical support is important. you can certainly help your child in this respect if you live close by. The fatigue that is part of grief is debilitating. In many cases your child is maintaining a full time job as well as keeping a home. Many have surviving children to care for as well. Help with laundry, cooking meals, shopping, running errands. But ask first. Having someone suddenly take over your household can only add to the stress.

Take the surviving children for a day or afternoon. This will give your bereaved child some time. the grandchildren might enjoy it, too. This gives them an opportunity to be away from the constant sadness that is likely to permeate their home and have a day with a good grandparent. When they are with you, if they want to talk about their dead sibling, by all means, practice your listening skills.

Physically hold your child. We are willing to bet there are times when your child would love to crawl up on "mommie's" or "daddy's" lap to be comforted as in years past. Be aware of this and actually allow it in any way possible. Even a hand on an arm means a lot. The need to be held is stronger during tears or an especially hard time. Many times, your child may not be aware of wanting to be held, but you can't take the initiative, for sons as well as daughters.

The real benefit is that you feel you are doing something to help, not just sitting back helplessly watching your child suffer. It's perfectly all right to offer your lap as well as your hands, shoulders, heart and tears.  Your child is now and will always be “your child”…

Grandparent Grief - Helping Your Grieving Child (part 2 of 3)

Grandparent Grief - Helping Your Grieving Child (part 2 of 3)  Continued from Blog Posting on September 27th,2012..

~ By Margaret H. Gerner

One grandmother told me: Timmie's death is tearing me up, but seeing my daughter, Terry, in such pain is much worse. She is so different. The sadness I see in her eyes haunts me. Nothing pleases her. She's not interested in anything. All she does is talk about Timmie. She tells me she just wants to die so she can be with him. She cries and cries and there isn't anything I can do to make it better for her. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I felt like Timmie's grandmother. While I knew what Dorothy's needs were, and I tried to meet them every way I could. There were times I doubted that anything I did helped. I wanted to "kiss it and make it better;" and I wanted her better now. Without a moment's hesitation, I would have gladly taken her pain myself. I missed my precious Emily, but the feelings of helplessness around Dorothy's pain were even greater.

This is the hardest part of being a bereaved grandparent. There will be times you feel that nothing you do makes a difference. You will think your child will never "get over" this. But remember, the grief will not always be as intense and devastating as today, and your help will be forever appreciated.

The most important thing you can do is to understand your child's grief. If you have never lost a child yourself, then read The Bereaved Parent, by Harriet Schiff or any other book you can get your hands on that will help you to understand the unique, intense grief that is part of the loss of a child. Be assured, your child is not emotionally ill. There is no grief exactly like that which comes with the loss of a child.

There are several factors that make parental grief unique:

Loss of Part of Self - The parent/child relationship is the most intense that life can generate. The child was literally a part of the parent at one time. When you lose a child, you lose a part of yourself.

Loss of Meaning - Children give direction to life. Rearing and providing for them becomes a primary goal. With a child's death, even if there are other children, this goal changes. Life seems meaningless.

Loss of Support - Expectations are that parents will lean on each other and support each other. Parents themselves expect this, but it rarely happens. Each parent is so debilitated by grief that neither has the energy to support the other. One mother said, "It's impossible to lean on a tree that is already bending." Loss of support takes many forms.

Different grieving styles can create problems in a relationship. One may grieve openly, with much expression. The other may grieve inwardly and quietly. It is difficult for parents with opposite coping styles to respect the other's way of grieving. The inward-griever doesn't want to see the constant crying and lamenting of the other. The open-griever doesn't think the other one cares or has feelings. This leads to wrong assumptions and misinterpretations of feelings.

Changes in sexual activities can create problems, too. One may want the warmth and intimacy that intercourse gives them, while the other may suddenly find sex repulsive.

Guilt and blame can also prevent support. One may blame the other for real or imagined wrongs. The one blamed may withdraw with intense guilt feelings. This can create a wedge that may take professional help to resolve, especially if, in fact, one was somehow involved in the death.

 This series is continued in our next Blog Posting – Part 3, on October 5, 2012