How to Help Someone whose Child Has Died...
When someone we care about experiences
the death of their child, no matter the age or circumstances of the death ~
whether the loss was due to a miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or other cause of
sudden infant death ~ whether the child was a toddler, teenager or adult – it is
their “child” and the heartache is overwhelming. As a loving family member or friend there are things that you can
do to help them through the difficult and challenging time of grieving....
First and foremost – do not
avoid the family – parents who have gone thru this experience always say when friends
and family avoided them, even though they knew they were probably just unsure
of what to say or do, it only added to their pain and the isolation they felt.
We hope the following suggestions are offered to assist you:
DO’s
·
Do
get in touch and let your genuine concern and caring show.
·
Do
be available to listen, to help with the other children, or whatever else seems
needed at the time. Offer help with practical matters like house cleaning and
meals.
·
Do
say you are sorry about what happened to their baby and about their pain.
·
Do
allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling at the moment and are
willing to share. Accept silence; if the family doesn’t feel like talking,
don’t force conversation. Follow their lead.
·
Do
encourage them to be patient with themselves, not to expect too much of
themselves and not to impose any “shoulds” on themselves.
·
Do
allow them to talk about their child and share with them your own favorite memories of their child..
·
Do
give special attention to the siblings of the child that died, again no matter
the age.
·
Do
reassure them that they did everything that they could, the medical care their child
received was the best, or whatever else you know to be true and positive about
them as parents.
·
Do
encourage them to seek outside help, either from a health professional, another
bereaved parent, their clergy or a support group.
·
Do
– and this is so important - remember the family on their child’s birthday,
anniversary of death, Mothers Day, Fathers Day and other occasions.
·
Do
be patient with them. Coping with the death of their child may take a long time,
longer than the grieving process for other adults, including parents, siblings
and friends, so it[s important that you stay in touch.
DON’Ts
·
Don’t
let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out to the bereaved
family.
·
Don’t
avoid the family because you are uncomfortable.
·
Don’t
say you know how they feel (unless you’ve lost a child yourself, there is no way
you can know how they feel.)
·
Don’t pry, especially asking for details about the child’s death. If the family offers information,
listen with understanding, but realize how difficult this is for them to relive those days and/or hours repeatedly.
·
Don’t
tell them what they should feel or do or impose your religious or spiritual
views on them.
·
Don’t
change the subject when they mention their dead child - they want and need to talk about their child and not just today but in the months and years to come....
·
Don’t
point out that at least they have another child; or could have more children in
the future.
·
Don’t
blame anyone for the death. Don’t make comments which suggest that the care
they were getting, whether that was in the hospital, emergency room, at home, treatment
program – whatever or wherever, was inadequate.
·
Don’t
try to find something positive about the child’s death. Avoid clichés and easy
answers – there are none.
·
Don’t
avoid mentioning the child’s name out of fear of reminding them of their pain.
·
Don’t say “you
ought to be feeling better by now” or
anything else which implies a judgment about their feelings, or sets time
expectations or limits their healing process – the death of a child is unlike
any other…
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