Finding Peace, Joy & Happiness

~ by Cherie Houston

Losing anyone in our lives that we love is tragic – but the death of a child is uniquely tragic… Joining life again when we are mourning and grieving is a decision we need to make - not immediately, but eventually..  Yes this is a decision which won’t happen overnight but eventually in time, it is a decision we must all make and once we do, it takes an effort to find and create the joy, laughter, love and peace that once came so easily to us…

 

There are many books on the subject, but there are some basic tips that can help us once we make the decision to “live again” that others have found helped them on this journey to joy…

 

AVOID SAD & DEPRESSING NEWS – so that might mean not watching or listening to the news for a while… When we are struggling to pull ourselves out of the normal depression that comes with grief, it is hard to do that when we listen or watch the nightly news that seems to revel in nothing but bad news…

 

GET OUTDOORS AND INTO THE SUNLIGHT as much as possible – all studies confirm that gloomy days and do cause us to also be gloomy – conversely being outdoors and in the sunshine has the opposite effect and improves our spirits… remember how relaxing and happy you were when you laid on the beach or in the green grass and watched the clouds go by…

LAUGH – watch a funny movie, read a funny book or the comics or listen to a comedian.. Laughter is good for our soul and is proven to improve health- It’s true: studies indicate that laughter, along with an active sense of humor, may help protect you against a heart attack, according to a recent study by cardiologists at the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore. The study, which is the first to indicate that laughter may help prevent heart disease, found that people with heart disease were 40 percent less likely to laugh in a variety of situations compared to people of the same age without heart disease.   "The old saying that 'laughter is the best medicine,' definitely appears to be true when it comes to protecting your heart," says Michael Miller, M.D., director of the Center for Preventive Cardiology at the University of Maryland Medical Center and a professor of medicine at the University of Maryland School of Medicine.

CONCENTRATE ON SOMEONE ELSE – Personally I think this is why support groups, such as our Mom’s Bereavement Group is so beneficial.. No matter how horribly we are hurting or grieving, when a new mom arrives – it helps us when we help her – even that hug or holding of her hand as she tries to listen to what is being said – always helps us more than the person we think we are helping… when we focus on someone else, even for a short while, we are stepping out of our pain and sorrow, and that is healthy…

 

DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE ELSE – Whether it is your elderly neighbor, or babysitting for that new mom in your neighborhood, helping out at your local hospital, nursing home or school – doing something for someone else – again allows us to step outside our own pain and grieving, and yes that is healthy – As hard as it might be to do this, tell yourself that you need to do this as a tribute to or in memory of your child… Imagine how proud they would be to know you have done this…

 

EACH DAY WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU ARE GRATEFUL FOR – At first this might be very difficult because we can’t imagine being thankful for anything – we just want our child back.

Eventually however, you will find that you will be grateful not only for the time you had with your child, but for all the wonderful things they gave you and no matter how old your child was - they gave us so many things to be grateful for:

• The young mom who lost her child early by miscarriage may be grateful for the joy of feeling life for the first time
• The mom of an adult child may be grateful for all the wonderful memories or for having been blessed with grandchildren
• The mother of a young child, might be grateful for that drawing on her refrigerator that your her 8 year old drew before they went home to heaven…

Eventually, your list will include other family members and events, your own health and much much more… Yes – eventually you will realize just how blessed and how much you have that brings you happiness and that you have to be grateful for and the longer your list becomes - the happier you will also become.. 

 

SHAKE OFF THE ANGER - this can be very hard especially if your child took their own life, or died in an auto accident by someone who was careless, or was murdered, or in the wrong place at the wrong time, or caught the flu, or was genetically predisposed to a disease - yes no matter how they died - anger is something we all feel at one time or another..  But we need to allow that anger to dissipate and while we are doing that, we need to find healthy ways to let off steam: exercise, make music, garden, paint, write out your thoughts in a journal. If you can't shake the anger, or continue to feel overwhelmed, it might be helpful to ask a professional (our minister, priest, rabbi or psychologist or doctor) to help us to handle the anger...

Being happy and finding joy and peace in the world around us is a conscious decision that only we can make…Happiness and joy are normal and healthy and in no way disrespect our children (or any family member) who are no longer with us, just the opposite – living your life to the fullest are wonderful tributes to your children…