WHAT IS LEFT?

~written by Betty Stevens, Baltimore, MD~

When a child dies, you ask – among other questions – What is left?

A beautiful sensitive, intelligent son has chosen to end his life. What can be left after such a crushing blow? Others will point out that you have a spouse, other children or grandchildren, perhaps relatives and friends. They are all left. Perhaps you have a career that is left. And yet, how meaningless all of those are to a bereaved parent, to one who is suffering the most devastating loss of all. So you continue to search for what it is that is left.

You read books on bereavement, scarcely remembering what you have read. You attend meetings, talk with others who have suffered a loss like yours. If you are fortunate, you have one or two good friends who, while they cannot fully understand, are there to love and listen.

Perhaps there is a therapist who guides you in your search for an answer. But, for a long while, everything you read or hear has little meaning, and certainly cannot provide the answer to your question.

Or can it? Does all that you have read and heard and experienced finally come together and answer the question of what is left? For me, it does. The answer was 13 months in coming, but how clear it seems now.

I am left. That’s it! I am left, and I have been left with the love of Scott. It is a new love, it is different – more intense, it is undemanding, it need not be reciprocated, there are no strings attached. I love this love of Scott’s. It warms me and comforts me. It is a wonderful love, but I cannot keep it. It would be wrong to do so; this love is too precious to keep to myself.
I am left with love to spare and love to share. It will never run out. He will always be with me to replenish it. I have found the answer!

I am left to share Scott’s love with you.

Valentines…..To Heaven

~Author Unknown~

This Valentine is not of the ordinary kind

It’s filled with love & blessings inside.

But mine has to be sent on the wings of love.

You see, it’s destination is the Heaven’s above.

It’s not being sent to my parents so dear,

For they are still with me each day of the year.

It’s sent to my child who left earth so soon

Who’s now in the Heaven’s with the stars & the moon.

The message is the same as your Valentine.

“I love you, my sweet precious child of mine.

My love is still deeper than the ocean is blue.

And it’s sent with hugs & kisses from me to you.”

“I know you are with me each & every day.

You listen as I talk to you & hear what I say.

For that is the one thing that death cannot do.

You’ll always be mine & I love you with all of my heart.

I know that we’ll be together again & then we’ll never have to part.”

So you see, the meaning is still the same.

The method of delivery is the only change.

Mine must be sent by a little white dove ~

On the wings of love…

Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine's Day-Part 2 of 2

~written by June Cook (co-founder of www.selfhealingexpressions.com) Copyright (c) 2008 Marty Tousley

Personal grief rituals are those loving activities that help us remember our loved ones, and give us a sense of connectedness, healing and peace. Creating and practicing personal grief rituals can also help us release painful situations and unpleasant memories, freeing us to make our memories a positive influence in our lives.

What follows are just a few examples of personal grief rituals. The ideas are as unique and as varied as the people who invented them; think of ways that you can adapt them and make them your own. You are limited only by your own imagination.

• If you're a writer, write. It could be an article, an anecdote, a story, a poem, a song, a letter, an obituary or a eulogy. If you don't want to write for someone else, keep a private journal and write about your feelings as you journey through your grief.

• Buy a very special candle, decorate it and light it in honor of your loved one.

• Purchase a book - perhaps a children's book - on coping with the loss of a loved one, and donate it to your local library or school. Ask the librarian to place a label inside the front cover inscribed "In memory of [your loved one's name]."

• Plant a tree, bush, shrub, garden or flower bed as a permanent growing memorial to your beloved. Mark the site with a memorial plaque, marker, bench or statue.

• Memorialize your beloved in cyberspace by lighting a virtual candle online.

• Write a special note, letter, poem, wish or prayer to your beloved, go outside, attach the paper to a balloon and let it go - or place it in a vessel and burn it, and watch the smoke rise heavenward.

• If you are harboring bad feelings or regrets, gather symbols to represent those hurtful or painful situations, events, or feelings from your past, place them in a container and hold a private burial or burning ceremony, saying goodbye and releasing them as you do so.

• Ask relatives, friends, co-workers and neighbors to gather their contributions, and put together a scrapbook or box of memories containing mementoes, letters and photographs of your loved one.

• Celebrate the life of your loved one by continuing favorite traditions or eating favorite foods.

• Select a Valentine card that you wish your beloved would have picked for you, and mail it to yourself.

• Give yourself a gift from your loved one that you always wished he or she would have given you, and think of your beloved whenever you use it or wear it.

Remembering Our Loved Ones on Valentine's Day-Part 1 of 2

~written by June Cook (co-founder of www.selfhealingexpressions.com) Copyright (c) 2008 Marty Tousley

We've barely made it through the holidays of December and January, and now the stores are filled with hearts and flowers and candy, all of it in celebration of the gift of love. But February 14 can be a difficult day for those of us who are grieving, and for some it will be the first Valentine's Day since our precious Valentine died. For us there is no celebration; there is only grief.

Sometimes, for fear of "letting go," we may find ourselves "holding on" to our pain as a way of remembering those we love. Letting go of what used to be is not an act of disloyalty, and it does not mean forgetting our loved ones who have died. Letting go means leaving behind the sorrow and pain of grief and choosing to go on, taking with us only those memories and experiences that enhance our ability to grow and expand our capacity for happiness.

If our memories are painful and unpleasant, they can be hurtful and destructive. If they create longing and hold us to the past, they can interfere with our willingness to move forward in our grief journey. But it doesn't have to be that way. We can choose which parts of life we shared that we wish to keep and which parts we wish to leave behind. We can soothe our pain by thinking of happy as well as sad memories. The happiness we experienced with our loved ones belongs to us forever.

If we decide to do so, we can choose to embrace Valentine's Day as a special day on which to commemorate our loved ones and to celebrate our love for them. Death ends a life, but it does not end the relationship we have with our loved ones who have died. The bonds of love are never severed by death, and the love we shared will never die either. For Valentine's Day this year, we can find a way to honor our loved ones, to remember them and to show them that our love is eternal.

We can build a piece of "memory time" into that particular day, or we can pack the entire day with meaning. Think of it this way: It's much easier to cope with memories we've chosen than to have them take us by surprise. Whether we are facing Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Memorial Day, an anniversary or birthday, or any other special day of our own choosing, we can immerse ourselves in the healing power of remembrance. We can go to a special place, read aloud, or listen to a favorite song. We can celebrate what once was and is no more.

THE LEGEND OF SAINT VALENTINE

According to legend the Valentine takes its name from a young Christian priest who lived in ancient Rome. Like so many of the early Christians, Valentine had been imprisoned because of his faith.

Often and longingly he thought of his loved ones and wanted to assure them of his well-being and of his love for them. Beyond his cell window, just within reach, grew a cluster of violets. He picked some of the heart-shaped leaves and pricked them with the words: “Remember Your Valentine,” and send them off by a friendly dove. On the next day, and the next, he sent more messages that simply said, “I love you.”

Thus did the Valentine have its beginning. And so it has been through the ages- those who love, remember – and send Valentines to express their love.

So remember...

I’M THERE INSIDE YOUR HEART

~ author aunknown ~

Right now I’m in a different place, And though we seem apart,

I’m closer than I ever was…. I’m there inside your heart.

I’m with you when you greet each day And while the sun shines bright,

I’m there to share the sunsets, too… I’m with you every night.

I’m with you when the times are good, To share a laugh or two,

And if a tear should start to fall…I’ll still be there for you.

And when that day arrives, That we no longer are apart,

I’ll smile and hold you close to me…..Forever in my heart.

HELPFUL HINTS….

~Written by Rabbi Harold Kushner, and edited from THE GIFT OF GIVING by Michael Lynberg

Sometimes our life’s calling is faint. We are unable to move forward because life has dealt us a severe or tragic blow. The “still small voice” that once urged us to do the greater thing is now scarcely audible, deadened by our pain. It is hard to think of leading an extraordinary life…seizing the day to partake of one’s beauty and joy, when there is so much hurt inside us.

In the midst of such despair we wonder if we will ever again feel warmth….will we ever again be able to love and feel deeply, to overcome our numbness…to do the things we dream.

The answer is yes, but with much patience and gentle effort. There is a season for everything and the season of healing must run its course. There is no measuring progress in days or weeks or even months, only by our ability to gradually regain what is best in ourselves.

But with patient work and faith we will pass through our crisis leaving one phase of our lives and entering another. We will never be the same person we were before, but with renewed strength and deepened sensitivity we will be able to move to new areas of growth and fulfillment.

There are no easy answers. But a first important step is to seek the community of others who “bear the mark of pain.”

We need to get over the question that focus on the past and on the pain - “Why did this happen to me?” – and ask instead the question which opens doors to the future. “Now that this has happened, what shall I do about it?”

THE LITTLE THINGS

~written by Ann Tyler, CF-Sacramento, CA

Often even the simple tasks of everyday living seem to drain every ounce of one’s energy. Remember going to the grocery store even month’s after your child’s death and the feelings you had as you passed by his or her favorite cereal? Or watching another child the same age as yours in a restaurant and trying to swallow your food – you probably didn’t even taste it. Or hearing a certain song in public and fighting back the tears? Sometimes even getting through the day in your own home makes you feel like you’ve run a marathon and leaves you in worse shape. You probably never dreamed that doing the laundry could make you cry or getting a piece of mail in your child’s name could take your breath away.

Even the best of friends and family can’t possibly know the strength you must summon day after day. We shouldn’t expect them to understand completely, but it does get lonely.

Perhaps this quote puts it in a nutshell: One sad thing about this world is that the acts that take the most out of you are usually the ones that other people will never know about.

A FABLE

~written by Jeanette Isley, TCF Topeka, (from BP/USA of MD, Newsletter)

There once lived a family who felt that they had been specially blessed by God. They had health; they felt secure in their love of God and their love for each other.

On the mantle of the fireplace stood a vase. It was a strong, sturdy vase – attractive but not extravagant. It had been a wedding gift and to them, it symbolized their family. It had with-stood the bumps of moving and toddlers’ antics as the family had withstood the buffets and ordeals of life. The scars and chips could be detected only on very close scrutiny.

The day the oldest son in the family died, the vase was found on the mantel, shattered into many pieces. No one bothered to gather up the pieces. It was left for some time in its broken condition on the mantel.

After some time had passed, thought was given to putting the vase back together. Little enthusiasm was generated, but eventually the task was begun. The family worked together, each adding a piece or a suggestion about getting it mended. Each one of the family members got discouraged and more than once some one of them was heard to say, “It just can’t be done.”

Finally, after many months, the vase was back in its normal pace on the mantel. To the casual observer, it looked strong and sturdy and no one would guess it was less than perfect. But, on closer examination, it obviously had been shattered and put back together, and on turning it around, one could see that one large piece was permanently missing. It had never been found and served to remind the family that, although their hearts could mend and heal, their lives would never be the same.

{Note: I often tell bereaved parents that our hearts are broken and can never be the same. They will always have the cracks but also a piece is missing that can never be replaced……} Brenda/editor of BP/USA Newsletter

SUPPORT

~written by Martha J. Morrison

Come lean on me a bit

I know just how you feel

I’ve felt your fear and loneliness

I know your pain is real.

For I have been where you are now

Walking that long, dark road.

Then someone came to comfort me

And share my heavy load.

They helped me find new courage

And hope where I had none.

They let me lean on them awhile

‘Til my battle was won.

So come and lean on me a bit

‘Til your ordeal is through.

Then find someone who needs your help

And let them lean on you.

Getting thru Valentine's Day with a Broken Heart

~ By Cherie Houston

February 1st 2010 and we've made it thru our first holiday season without our son Bobby: Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years and lurking just around the corner is Valentines Day. My reaction to the chocolates, heart shaped cards and stuffed animals surprised me - it actually took my breath away - but then again, Valentines is more than just a holiday for lovers.

As soon as our children begin school, so does the tradition of sharing valentines and so, it is another holiday that reminds us of special times we’ve shared with our children and for those moms who have lost infants, it is a reminder of special times that will never be… Either way, the sense of overwhelming loss is once again thrust at us.

At first I feared it would be another painful day, but I don’t think it has to be.  Instead I hope we can celebrate our love for them - nothing and no one can ever take away the love you shared with your children, so we should honor them – celebrate that mutual love.  As usual I searched the internet for suggestions and found several that I think apply to those of us who are remembering our children who are gone too soon  ..

I believe what is important is for each of us to find a special way to celebrate their memory and their relationship with us no matter how brief their stay with us might have been… We are who we are because of them - no matter how short their stay - and that is something to celebrate for sure…

• Honor your Valentine’s Day traditions – do them in your children’s memory.
• Write them a valentine or note and save it in your memory box (if you’ve done this in the past, explore your memory box and enjoy the memories)
• Decorate and light a special candle in their honor
• Write them a note, put it in a balloon and send it off towards their new home in heaven
• Volunteer some time – whether it’s at a hospital, shelter, hospice, or food pantry-there’s no doubt that helping someone else can ease our pain
• Listen to their favorite songs
• Look back thru pictures or videos if you have them - it's okay to smile and it's okay to cry
• If your child was older, consider sharing the day with his or her young family, it might help you all as you share memories together
• Make your loved one’s favorite breakfast or dinner and enjoy it in their memory 

As with all holidays, special days and anniversaries the anticipation is often worse than the day itself. But being prepared for the day helps us to get thru it – the important thing is to remember our children, remember our love for them and their love for us, and as moms, that is something we do without the tag of Valentines Day..