GRIEF THREADS

~ Written by Deb Kosmer

Everyone says “grief is hard work.”  What they don’t always remember to say is watch out for the threads.  

You know those loose threads that pop up from time to tome on your favorite shirt or sweater and no matter how many times you clip them or twist them, before too long, there they are again, defying your best efforts to keep them hidden.  Well, in case you haven’t; noticed grief  has those annoying threads as well.  

Threads that insist on popping up from time to time; leaving you to wonder if you will ever be through with this “grief thing.”  Sometimes a thread comes when you see someone who looks a bit like your loved one.  Sometimes it’s something as simple as seeing caramel apples at the store or smelling their cologne on someone. 

Little things that don’t feel so little when they are taking you places you thought you’d left behind, yes those are Grief Threads...                                                                                            

The Cord

THE CORD

~Author Unknown~

We are connected, my child and I,

by an invisible cord, not seen by the eye.

It’s not like the cord that connects us ‘til birth

    this cord can’t be seen by any on Earth.

This cord does its work right from the start,

It binds us together attached to my heart.

I know that it’s there though no one can see,

     the invisible cord from my child to me.

The strength of this cord Is hard to describe,

It can’t be destroyed, it can’t be denied.

It’s stronger than any cord man could create

It withstands the test, can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,

Though you’re not here with me,

The cord is still there but no one can see.

It pulls at my heart,

I am bruised….I am sore.

But this cord is my lifeline as never before.

I am thankful that God

Connects us this way

A Mother and Child~

Death can’t take it away!

Today the Sun Shines

~ Written by Fay Hardin, Tuscaloosa, AL

At first I didn’t even notice, accustomed as I was to being mired in apathy.  Someone told me it would happen - months or was it years ago- “Someday the sun will shine for you again.”

I certainly didn’t believe them – how could they know what they were talking about?  Their only son hadn’t died as mine had.  If I were ever going to laugh again I’d have laughed at them.  No, the sun would never shine for me again.  I’d just live quiet, stay out of people’s way.  Certainly no one wanted to hear about it.  My presence seemed to make others nervous, like “it” might be catching.  My silence made them uncomfortable. 

I’d resumed a routine, such as it was – some days I worked like fury pushing myself far beyond my physical endurance.  Some days I never left the sofa.  Just lay “like a beached whale,” my husband said.

The days passed.  I got by.  I like it this way, it was peaceful.  Nothing “happened.”  No more dreaded experiences this way.  So, I’d just live out my life like this – stay out of people’s way.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I wouldn’t “bother” people anymore.

The days passed, I didn’t know which one was which anymore. It didn’t matter anyway.  I had no where to go ~

Once in a while I’d make a half-hearted stab at the flower bed when my husband threatened to contact the “Save the Whales” people for assistance, but that was about it.  My contribution to self-preservation. 

When the fruits of my labor made an appearance I hardly noticed. I just didn’t care.  What good are flowers without sunshine and the sun wasn’t going to shine for me again – ever!

Then one day, in my state of repose, something got in my eye – at first I didn’t notice, just got irritated.  Then with a shock so great it made my heart pound, I realized that the sun had begun to shine.  Funny I hadn’t noticed it before – I’d lain here in my usual spot on the sofa for months now, or was it years.”  And nothing like this had happened – but there it was, sure as shootin’.  The sun really was shining!

I got up to investigate and found to my surprise that the bulbs I’d planted months ago or was it years – had multiplied and were blooming in multi-colored profusion.  They looked nice.  In fact, they were downright glorious.  With another shock I found that the sun felt good.  I felt good, like fining a long lost friend.  The grass smelled damp and fresh and wonderful.  And as I bent to admire this small wonder I’d created in the flower bed I was overwhelmed by the beauty of the flowers’ faces as I was struck by the similarity of these, God’s creations, which had needed my meager care to bring them to completion, and the blessing of God’s other creation, the radiantly beautiful child that had lived on this earth, played on this very grass and had spring forth in life without my help.  

I knelt down there in the sunshine and gently caressed the flowers’ faces and knew that I had pushed aside the image of my child’s face too long.  I knew then as long as flowers bloom he will go on living.  I felt the sunshine that day and saw it and acknowledged it and reveled in it for I knew my child was not dead, that I’d see him whenever I looked at a flower or heard a bird sing and one day, when the time was right, I’d see him again in another place, a place beyond where the sun shines.  A place where buttercups grow just to tickle the noses of little children squealing with glee.  And I’ll be there, in God’s Garden, on bended knees, planting and cultivating just so I can see.

                                                                           

"Heartbeat" Meeting Dates

Reminder - HEARTBEAT Meeting

HEARTBEAT is a wonderful support group for those in our community, who have lost a loved one to suicide

"HEARTBEAT" is hosting their last meetings of the season, next week:

• Tuesday evening, April 9th  in Kingman at the First Southern Baptist Church-3120 Hualapai Mountian Rd at 7pm.
• Wednesday evening April 10th at Lake Havasu Community Center- 100 Park Ave., Room 152, 7pm.

HEARTBEAT will taking a break for the summer and the monthly meetings will resume in the fall, beginning in October...

• October 8th in Kingman at the First Southern Baptist Church-3120 Hualapai Mountian Rd at 7pm
• October 9th at Lake Havasu Community Center- 100 Park Ave., Room 152, 7pm Lake Havasu City.

Mark your calendars, HEARTBEAT will be observing the 15th Annual International Survivors of Suicide Day November 23rd with further information to come later.

You can contact the Founders of HEARTBEAT, Dan and Judy Hoppes at Tele: 928 208-0129 or email: jdhoppes@frontiernet.net

When a child dies, what friends & family should not do....

The death of a child is very different from that of a parent, spouse or other family member or friend.  It is an overwhelming grief that no one should ever experience.  But the reality is, it happens, and when and if it does, it's often hard to know what you should or shouldn't do to help the grieving parents...  

 

 

 

We hope these helpful hints will give you some insight - remember they need your unconditional love, support and patience and not just immediately after the loss, but during the years ahead.. and also remember that no parent "gets over the death of their child" they simply learn to live with it... Cherie Houston 

 

 

How NOT To Help A Friend Whose Child Has Died... 

~ Author Unknown

• Don't be afraid of intruding. You're not.
• Don't be afraid of offering help with daily chores or things that need to be done-Grieving parents usually have no idea what they need, so take some initiative with meals, picking up other children from school, household chores and other errands .
• Don't avoid or ignore the grieving parents. They are already grieving a loss, and losing a friend or loved one only makes their grief worse..
• Don't leave when you become uncomfortable. It will only make your friend feel worse - guilty about their grief.
• Don't avoid talking to your friend because you don't know what to say.
• Do not EVER say, "It is for the best," even if you believe it. It is trite, unfair & very hurtful.
• Don't shirk on promises - if you've agreed to do something for the grieving family, failing at your responsibilities will feel like a bigger slap in the face.
• Don't be hurt if the grieving parents say something mean or hurtful. They're not quite themselves, which means they lash out. Be patient.
• Religion is a potentially explosive way to comfort. Unless you absolutely know 100% the person will be comforted by mentions of faith, don’t go there. Religion is a very complicated thing in the wake of a child’s death, and they may be angry at God or confused as to how to incorporate the death of a child into the religion that they have known to have their best interests in mind.
• Even if the grieving parents are intensely religious, they may be having a crisis of faith in the wake of a child’s death, and they could be angered/saddened by mention of religion.
• Especially stay away from, “God wanted her more than you,” or “God needed her more." I don’t care if it is the all powerful creator of the universe, you don’t tell any Mom or Dad that anyone wants their child more than they do.
• So many people hate seeing their loved ones in such pain and want to fix it. Consequently, they start talking about how you have to move on, that you will see them again, the child is with God, it will get better in time, etc. - all things they think will “fix it.” Don’t try to do this-believe me, those comments don't "fix" anything.
• Don't be afraid to bring up the lost child - the grieving parents will already be thinking of their child and talking about their child actually helps them in their grief..
• If your friend doesn't want to discuss their lost child or their feelings, accept that and move on to another topic.
• Don't say, "I know how you feel," because you do not. It minimizes the grief and grieving they're going through.
• Don't say, "I don't know how you do it." Your friend does it because he or she has to.
• Don't mention silver linings. That feels condescending and rude.
• Don't put a time-table on grief. No one knows how long it will take to grieve the loss of a child, so don't expect that your friend will simply "get over it" in a specific period of time. They won't.
• Don't refer to the child in impersonal ways - instead, use the child's name. It may feel uncomfortable to you, but it will remind your friend that the world has not, in fact, forgotten their lost child.
• Don't forget about the siblings of the lost child. Not only have they lost a brother or sister, they've lost their parents during the grieving process.
• Never discount your gut. If your friend seems to be suicidal or is beginning to isolate, seek professional help.
• Don't forget the anniversary dates - almost no one remembers the second anniversary of a child's death. This makes parents feel as though the world has forgotten their child and that only adds to their pain and heartache.
• Don’t be afraid to show emotion. Many people feel they have to be strong for their friends, that they can’t cry or show emotion. You can be strong AND be emotional. If tears come, don’t fight them. This shows your friends that you, too, are crushed and sad and lost

Easter & Passover - A Time for Hope...

Thank you to Susan Blaison from Birmingham, Alabama for sending this article to me-Susan commented that she had received a copy of this article from a dear friend after her 29 year old son died suddenly 2 days before the birth of his first child-her first grandchild...  I totally agree with the author, Margaret Gerner's, comments that each and every article read through the years since the deaths of my own children, which recounted the most horrific life event "the death of a child" have also always left me with a sense of HOPE.  HOPE that eventually I would smile again, be happy again, and gave me HOPE that the tremendous heartache I was feeling would ease and become bearable...  HOPE is something that helps us survive this Journey from Mourning to Joy - I want to wish you all a joyous Passover & Easter and HOPE that you too can find HOPE and PEACE ..  Cherie Houston

HOPE, ~ By Margaret Gerner
Bereaved Mother and Bereaved Grandmother
St. Louis, MO -BP/BereavedParents.org

I sat down regularly to read the many newsletters that I receive from the chapters (BP/BereavedParents.org) across the county. Most of the time there were articles in them that made me cry a little. I read about children who are dead and parents who were hurting, but never did I come away from those reading sessions depressed.

I came away with hope, hope that the searing torment does lessen and eventually give way to warm, loving memories of our child.

When we are in the deepest throes of our grief, when our beloved child has just recently been snatched from life by a tragic accident or succumbed to a fatal illness, or died in some other way, can we believe we can ever be happy again? When to simply get up in the morning is a major accomplishment, can we believe that we will ever be able to function with enthusiasm or purpose?

When every thought of our children brings excruciating pain, can we believe that we will someday be able to think of him/her and smile? I know it is hard to believe that this will ever happen, but it will.

Words used in defining HOPE are expect, trust, anticipate, wish, desire and confident.  These are the key words.

If we expect, trust and anticipate feeling better, we will in time.  If we wish it and are confident, the day will come when we will feel better. Of course, it doesn’t just happen. It takes long hard grief work. It takes many painful hours of allowing ourselves to go through our grief.

It takes patience and it takes time. But know you will come to the light at the end of the tunnel.  Know that there is hope. Know that many many bereaved parents who have been in the same painful place that you are now have found life meaningful again.

Know that you will too.

EXPIRATION DATES DON'T APPLY TO GRIEF...

~ by Lynn Hughes - "Hello Grief"

"Certain things need an expiration date. Milk, eggs, mayonnaise, meat, fish… there is a time we need to be done with them, and throw them away… I get all that. But does grief have an expiration date? For some reason, there seems to be an acceptable shelf life..6-12 months, and then grief should be off the shelf, out of the home and permanently removed with the weekly trash service.  If it was only that simple…

The “grief expiration date” myth must come from people who have never experienced a close death – otherwise they would know the truth. Everyone fears facing such a loss. They are hopeful that should death touch their world, it will only take 6-12 months to recover. No one wants someone they love to die. So, until faced with the reality, it’s easier to think ‘this won’t happen to me, AND if it does it will only be bad for a finite, short amount of time and then…there’s an expiration date and it is magically all gone.’ What a wonderful world that would be.

I've heard time and time again there is a societal expectation to “get over” grief in 6 months, and at the longest, a year. Those who aren't grieving believe it, and often those who are also believe it - this sets grieving people up for false, and ultimately disappointing, expectations.

The one year mark looms like some golden carrot over the heads of those who are grieving. It is a symbol of hope that if they make it to the one year mark they will be in a much happier and pain free place.

The reality is they won’t be over it, nor should they be. If someone spent years loving another person, the pain of that person’s death simply will not be removed due to a date on the calendar.

The opposite actually might happen – people who are grieving may feel even more pain in year two because the initial numbness, which often serves as a protective barrier at the onset of loss, has worn off and they begin experiencing the full intensity of their feelings and grief. This is accompanied by the realization that life with loss  is their “new normal.”

I lost my mother at 9 and father at 12. I remember feeling the expectation of a grief expiration date myself. I remember being 15, five years after my mother died and three years after my father died. If I had a tough day missing my parents, people looked shocked, or avoided the subject, or avoided me. Sometimes I would hear insensitive comments, like “ aren't you over that?” Or when someone experienced a more recent loss, I would get “Oh, poor [so and so]. What a tragic loss.  Aren't you glad you are over that now?”

I remember beating myself up and doubting how well I was coping. If you allow yourself to believe there is an expiration date for grief, you will start to think you aren't doing well if you still miss your loved one 5, 10, 20, 40 years after the loss. In reality – it’s normal. And it’s okay.

This is what I know to be true:  Grief is a life-long journey. 

Grief is an emotional handicap you get up, and live with everyday. It doesn't mean you can’t lead a happy life, but it is a choice, and takes work. The frequency and intensity of those grief pangs/knives should lessen over time, but the reality is every now and then for the rest of your life, you will feel those pangs. Everyone grieves at their own pace, and in their own way. There is no one way to grieve, and no certain order, and no timeline. There is definitely not an expiration date.

Grief will take on different forms in different people. Not everyone cries; others cry all the time. Some exercise a lot. Others talk about it a lot. Many seek counseling or join a support group, and enjoy the company of a good and understanding listener.

If years after your loss, thinking of your loved one missing a special day or milestone in your life, makes you sad, puts you in a funk, or makes you cry, don’t beat yourself up. Allow yourself the ability to grieve the loss of memories not created. As long as the frequency and intensity of grief eases—even if it is slowly over time—you are coping in positive ways. 

Alternatively, if years after the loss, you can’t bear the mention of your loved ones name, you sleep all day, you aren't participating in your normal everyday activities, you do things to “numb” or escape your grief, those are warning signs that you are not coping well, and should seek the assistance you need to begin healing.

Grieving in a healthy manner, taking steps to move forward, and rebuild your life with a new normal, doesn't mean you won’t have those tough days or tough moments.

There is no expiration date. Grief never fully goes away. That doesn't have to mean you can’t and won’t live a happy and productive life. What it does mean is the love you shared with loved ones lost, doesn't have an expiration date either"

On A Child's Death

I'm not sure who sent this to me when my son Bobby died a few years ago, but it is in with the many cards we received and I thought I'd share it... Cherie Houston

ON A CHILD'S DEATH

~ Virginia Ellis ~

All heaven was in mourning,
The day that young man died;
When He closed His eyes, they said,
Ten thousand angels cried.

The angels shed their many tears,
Because He was God's Son;
But there is a special sadness,
When God takes the very young.

At times like that, I question God,
Why let a child die?
I cannot understand it,
And I need to ask Him why.

I, too, have heard the angels cry,
I've heard them cry first hand;
For I, too, gave up a child,
And I've tried hard to understand.

Yes, I received God's comfort,
Though I'm grateful, I want more;
I want reasons;  I want meaning,
I am a parent who's heart-sore.

God can give, and God can take,
I am well aware of this;
But, why my baby ... why my child?
Why did God put him on His list?

Did I love my child too much?
Was he too good for this old earth?
Had his purpose here been filled?
Was that why he was taken first?

I awake each day with questions,
I fall asleep at night, the same;
So many times I ask God why,
I'm both saddened and ashamed.

But then, in reflective moments,
When my prayers are most intense,
One word keeps going through my mind,
Patience ... patience ... patience.

Maybe now is not the time,
To explain this great heartache;
Even if I knew God's reasons,
What difference would it make?

Can't I just be grateful,
For any time we had?
Accept God's action without question?
Why is that so very bad?

What's my hurry ... why my pressure?
Is my faith not strong enough?
God will explain it when He's ready,
Surely I can trust that much.

God understands my broken heart,
He, too, gave up a Son;
He knows the pain of one lost child,
He weeps with me, and we are one.

Just as I talk to God each day,
I talk to my precious child;
I blow him kisses, and I say,
"See you, honey, in a while."

CHOOSING LIFE....

~ Marcia Ali; Reprinted from the BP/USA St. Louis Chapter Newsletter

“It will never be the same.  Never.”  As a bereaved parent you have often heard or said these words to express grief’s profound feelings of sorrow and disorientation.  Your life has suddenly taken an unexpected course and that appears both uncharged and endless.  Bewildered you vainly search for pathways back to your former life, until you confront the reality that there is no way back.  Your child is dead forever.  It is then that you may say, “never the same.”

This is the aspect of the grief that Simon Stephens calls the Valley of the Shadow.  It is that very long time between the death of your child and your reinvestment in life.  Between.  It is not supposed to be a permanent resting place.  Although some people do take up residence in the Valley, it is a transition from the death of your child to life with renewed purpose.

The key to this transition is yourself.  You must choose between life and the Valley.  You and only you can decide.  And you must make that decision again and again, each day.

Giving in to the hopelessness of the Valley is tempting.  Choosing to move on toward life requires a great deal of work.  You must struggle with the pain of grief to resolve it.  It is a daily struggle full of tears, anger, guilt, and self-doubt.  But it is the only alternative to surrendering yourself to the Valley.

Little by little you choose to move on.  Little by little you progress toward the other side of the Valley.  It takes a very long time, far longer than your friends or relatives suspected.  Far longer than you had believed – even prayed – that it would be.  When one day you find yourself able to do more than choose merely to live…but also how to live, you will know you are leaving the Valley of the Shadow.  There is more work to do, more struggles and choosing.  The Valley, however, stretches behind rather than in front of you.

When you have resolved your grief by reinvesting in life, you will be able to realize that nothing is ever “the same.”  Life is change.  We would not have it be otherwise, for that is the Valley of the Shadow.  Change has the promise of beginning and the excitement of discovery.

LIFE is never the same.  Life is change.  Choose life! 

The Rushing River

These words were written by a Mother as she was attempting to comfort another newly bereaved Mother at the loss of her son. 

~written by JoAnn Farrell~

I thought this morning about where you are and where I am in all this.  I feel it’s like I’ve been thrown into a rushing river.  At first it is DARK and I can only come up for air enough to keep from dying.  Then as the days go on, I feel rocks or the bottom bumping against my feet, but I can’t get any footing.  I keep on going under, gasping for air, then for a moment my feet feel the bottom and I can brace myself for a few moments.  Each time this happens, I can stand longer, but each time I get swept off my feet again.  

Then I notice each time that I stand, I can take a step toward the shore.  I am going to get pulled under a lot of times before I reach the shore, but I will make it…..I have to.  If not for me……for my family.  The one thing that I don’t know, is do I ever get to step out of the river?  I have a feeling that I will always walk along the shore with water to my ankles, occasionally falling into a hole.  Because I will never not miss my son.  But I will be able to stand and breathe.  

I am sure that I will fall into a deep hole occasionally as I walk the bank of the river, but God will take my hand and help me out.  I will be able to feel joy again…..love again….and do the things that God has for me to do.

I would guess that you are still gasping for breath…..and I am beginning to feel some footing.  We will make it…..it is just hard swallowing so much water…..and I miss my baby.