I Wouldn't Trade the Pain.....for the Dance

By Cherie Houston

No matter how strong typical pain is, it is usually something can we can’t truly recall... Oh we certainly can remember that the pain was uncomfortable and that we hurt and that we may not want to feel it again, such as the intense pain or a broken bone, or very bad back, or having a heart attack or debilitating migraine, or even the pain often experienced by childbirth, which many of us knows totally disappears when our new infant looks at us.. No we may remember that the pain was uncomfortable, but the memory doesn't put us back in that place, we simply remember that it hurt!.

I have found, however that the pain of grief is very different. For those of us who have lost a child or children, the tragedy of another’s child death – whether a child we know or not, can bring us to our knees and truly put us back into that sense of loss and overwhelming helplessness of those first few days weeks and months.  I’m sure it’s a deep empathy for the other parents, knowing that the pain of grief of losing a child is a pain that no one should ever have to experience....

But I've also found that when I learn of a death of someone I know (or tragedies such as Columbine, the movie theater in Colorado, Sandy Hook last December –the never ending list sadly, or for people who've shared parts of our lives ~ such as yesterday when we learned of the passing of a dear old friend, Bill, who shared all the typical things like boy scouting, sports and chaperoning other school events when together we were raising our young families; or that of a young 74 year old student Ellen, who died unexpectedly last week.  I had been blessed to have shared my knowledge with Ellen and her sister for almost a dozen years.. the sadness and tears came quickly when I learned of both Ellen and Bill's death, but what has been more overwhelming is the pain of grief, my sense of pain and helplessness for what their families are and will go thru; knowing that there is nothing that can be said or done for them that will ease their heartache...that is a pain that does come back and feels as strong as I remember it when I first began my own Journey from Grief...

I’ve learned that the Journey of Grief is something we must all go thru on our own terms and in our own way-no one can do it for us.  Help from those around us with mundane but necessary chores, such as shopping and meals, daily errands, answering the phone, house and yard work are certainly appreciated and helped (although most of us can rarely remember who did what for us during those first several months-it’s all a blur).. 

We all experience the pain, and with time the pain soften – but that grief pain, like no other, can grab you again at any time when you least expect it and take your breath away...  but despite that pain and heartache, the tears and sense of loss that seems to never end, I wouldn't train a moment of that pain for the time with my three children, no matter how short - and I'm glad that Bill and Ellen shared parts of my life with me along the way... I wouldn't trade those memories for anything..  True if I'd not had my children, if I hadn't met Bill or Ellen or listened to the news about Columbine or Sandy Hook, then I wouldn't feel the pain, but then again I wouldn't trade any of it - I'm grateful for the time I had, and that their families had with them, and that we all "enjoyed the dance"..  Garth Brooks says it perfectly... in his song “The Dance”...

Looking back on the memory,

of the dance we shared, beneath the stars above.
For a moment all the world was right,

how was I to know that you'd ever say goodbye?
And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end,

the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance,

I could have missed the pain,

but I'd have had to miss the dance.

The Dance - (Garth Brooks) 

It Is Said That Time Heals What Reason Cannot..

~ Pat Schwiebert, TCF, Portland, Oregon

Time heals what reason cannot.

In the end, time will change things.  The intensity we experience when grief is new, where we can see nothing but our loss, and where every moment is filled with thoughts of the one who died will gradually diminish and become softer.  Time forces the big picture of life back into our vision whether we like it or not. 

This happens in our lives all the time.  Remember how when we first fell in love with someone, we were totally preoccupied with only that other person, until gradually a more balanced existence was restored.  Or when we did what we thought was some terrible thing, and we were sure everybody would never let us forget it, we came to find out a few months down the road that most people had forgotten the incident.

In the months (maybe years) following a loss, life will  eventually begin to re-emerge and life on this planet will once again seem possible.  This will not happen because we come to understand the death more clearly but because, with the passage of time, the unanswered questions will become easier to live with.

Time will not remove grief entirely.  The scars of grief will remain, and we may find ourselves ambushed by an unexpected pang or wave of grief at any time.. often times when you least expect it.  But needing to know the answers to the “why” questions won’t seem quite as important as it once was.

Time is a gift that we have taken for granted.  We’ve been given our lives one moment at a time.  This is good.

Moving on after losing a child

Thank you to Donna Berkamn from Kingman, Arizona for sharing this with our group back in the summer of 2010...  like so many articles that I've repeated, I think one helps to address the feeling each parent experiences of a loss so deep that we are never sure we will recover . but like the amputee who loses a limb, in order to survive we must learn to live without a part of us...

Moving on after losing a child

~ By Cathy Babao Guballa - October 29th, 2000 Issue
© 2000 Philippine Daily Inquirer

LOSING a child has been described as the worst kind of loss anyone could possibly go through, a searing and unspeakable pain. The emotions that accompany a loss of this magnitude is much like plumbing the depths of an abyss, not knowing if one will ever be able to climb out of it one day, unscathed and whole. 

When a child dies, a part of the self is cut off and many bereaved parents like to use the metaphor of an amputated limb.

I once read an account of a father who had lost his only son and his words were poignant. "For the amputee, the raw bleeding stump heals and the physical pain does not go away. But he lives with the pain in his heart knowing his limb will not grow back. He has to learn to live without it. He rebuilds his life around his loss. We bereaved parents must do the same."


From her website: http://www.missfoundation.org/cherish/movingon.html

Angel Moms

~ Written by “Shane’s Mom” Judi Walker

Judi began a group called “Angel Mom’s” after the death of her son Shane
Dedicated to all moms who have lost a child

ANGEL MOMS 

We have shared our tears and our sorrow,
We have given encouragement to each other,
Given hope for a brighter tomorrow,
We share the title of grieving mother.

Some of us lost older daughters or sons,
Who we watched grow over the years,
Some have lost their babies before their lives begun,
But no matter the age, we cry the same tears.

We understand each others pain,
The bond we share is very strong,
With each other there is no need to explain,
The path we walk is hard and long.

Our children brought us together,
They didn't want us on this journey alone,
They knew we needed each other,
To survive the pain of them being gone.

So take my hand my friend,
We may stumble and fall along the way,
But we'll get up and try again,
Because together we can make it day by day.

We can give each other hope,
We'll create a place where we belong,
Together we will find ways to cope,
Because we are Angel Moms and together we are strong!

~ Written by “Shane’s Mom” Judi Walker

Judi began a group called “Angel Mom’s” after the death of her son Shane
Dedicated to all moms who have lost a child

FINDING INNER STRENGTH AND PEACE

I believe I’ve shared this article before.. and I hope you find it helpful.  About 6 months after my son Bobby died, a close friend shared this article with me – with a simple note that read “I pray that you will allow God to help you find peace and joy in Bobby’s memory”. 

When she sent me the note, I still couldn’t bring myself to even think about God or spirituality in anyway.  Quite honestly my fear was that if I did think about God, my anger would take me to a place I might never be able to return from…  after all, Bobby was my third child that I had buried.  No parent should ever have to bury one child, never mind three…But yet I had – and I was angry!!!

I knew from past experience with my daughters who had died very young, that I would physically survive this nightmare (even though I didn’t want to) and that in time I would find an inner peace and my spirituality, but this article allowed me to remind myself of that fact.

I admit that I still find it very difficult going into any church, catholic or otherwise…Even for joyous celebrations such as christenings, first communions and weddings.. The moment I enter any church I find myself reflecting on Bobby’s mass, the loss of my three children and I feel as though I’m suffocating and find it hard to catch my breath or stop the tears…

But outside of those building, my own sense of peace, inner strength and spirituality has returned as I knew it would…  I’m not angry with God or anyone, I’m simply grateful for the time I had with my three children, no matter how brief, and for all that they left behind in the lives they touched…  This doesn’t come overnight – Bobby will be gone 4 years on September 19^th and I still have days that shake me to the core..  but in time the pain softens and the peace returns… I hope that all parents who make this unfathomable journey can find their own inner strength and peace and smile for what they had, no matter how brief…Cherie Houston

Can Time Heal? Finding Inner Strength and Peace

~ By Cheril Goodrich

There is a belief that time heals all wounds. The premise of this belief is that the further you get away from an event in time the less the pain is felt that is associated with the event. From a Spiritual standpoint, is this true?

First of all to examine this concept, we must first address the idea of time. For something to be healing at a true Spiritual level it must involve a healing idea or, in other words, it must promote healing by offering an idea that can heal. Does time offer this? Is it possible for a non-feeling, non-caring idea, such as time, to give soothing to the soul when something happens that seems so catastrophic we do not have any idea how we can move beyond our pain? If all we have to look forward to is relief from a non-feeling source such as time, this calls into question our relationship to our Creator because, from this premise, time offers us a better way of healing. Perhaps this is not true at all. Perhaps we do not understand the provisions that God has provided for us when we are in such pain and so we rely on what we know. By relying on what we know we are apt to just make it through anyway we can. This does not necessarily heal the pain and some people go on for years not understanding how to move on.

Sometimes we have to find a miracle to move on. This involves finding a strength that does not come from us. If it came from us we would know how to handle the misery. Instead it involves finding a place in our own mind where time does not rule. Finding this place means finding a place of peace that exists within all of us. We all have access to this state because we were created with this fail-safe sanctuary, but we have forgotten how to access it and use it. This state of mind is our solution, but until we remember that it is there, and appreciate it, we will turn to what we know.

We are living in perilous times. We are not being asked to heal the world, just ourselves of the internal pain and conflict that seems to be endless. How can peace come to the world if we cannot even find peace within our own mind? If we are not responsible for ourselves, then who is? If I blame another or blame circumstances that seem to be beyond my control, then I am a victim, and someone else controls my life. This is not the role God would have us play.

Look for the solution in any circumstance that seems to be beyond your control. For every problem there is a solution. By concentrating only on the problem, the solution is removed from you by your own desire. By looking for and reaching for the solution, your mind will remember how to access the part of the mind where God abides. No one can do this for us, it is an individual choice that remains open to us, but is not evident unless we search for it.

There is another way. The answer does not lie in time or in another idea that has been born in time. It is in our own mind. By learning to access and using another level of mind, we can heal not only ourselves, but also the world because accessing this part of our mind joins us with something Greater than ourselves. Learn to be a part of the healing force that will move the world beyond any perceived conflict. It all begins by learning to become master of your own mind.

TEARS, TALK, TIME, AND TOMORROWS

Lovingly written By Debbie Landsman

TEARS, TALK, TIME, AND TOMORROWS

I never thought I could go on living when you died, but…….I did.

I never thought I would survive after burying you, but……I did.

I never thought I’d get through those first days, weeks, months, but…….I did.

I never thought I’d be able to endure the first anniversary of your death, but….I did.

I never thought I’d let myself love my new grandchild, but…..I have.

I never thought tomorrow would be different, but…….it was.

I never thought I’d stop crying for a day, but…….I have.

I never thought the pain would ‘soften’, but…… it has.

I never thought I’d care if the sun shone again, but……I do.

I never thought I’d ever entertain again, but….I have.

I never thought I’d be able to control my grief, but…..I can.

I never thought I could function without medication again, but…..I can.

I never thought I could function without medication again, but…..I can.

I never thought I’d smile again, but…..I do.

I never thought I’d laugh out loud again, but…..I do.

I never thought I’d look forward to tomorrow, but…..I do.

I never thought I’d reconcile your death, but…..I have.

I never thought I’d be able to create that ‘new normal’, but I have.

I never thought I’d be able to go on living after you died, but…..I do…….

Always missing you, always loving you, and thinking of you daily with a smile on my face….

And tears on my heart.

Summertime

~ by Sascha Wagner, TCF, Siskiyou County, CA

It sounds so easy. A soft, warm word—-time to run barefoot, time to leave windows open all night.  Summertime. Somehow it seems, doesn't it, that it's especially meant for children. Children on beaches, children on swings, children in large pools, children in tiny tubs.

We who do not have all of our children with us may feel the summertime in two ways. 

One is to

remember shared events and adventures-there were so many. Long rides in a hot car, a nap in

the back seat. The famous question, "Are we there yet?" Everything from a heat rash to ice cream cones and sand castles.  

For us, another way to feel summertime is the special emptiness brought about by children who are no longer on this earth. They used to trot along on hikes in the hills; they used to gather wood for an evening fire. Now summer brings us again the melancholy awareness of their absence.

Have you ever walked on some unfamiliar path, surprised about not having been there with the

children? Even when there's nothing to remember, we are reminded of the children's absence.

We have been diminished by death. Some of us may still have living children. Other parents have no children left. They have lost an only child, perhaps. Or all of their children died. And here we are, grateful for the warmth of summer mornings, aware of the ripe beauty of nature, trying to deal with our children's absence with all the grace of which we are capable. Often we do not want to burden others with our grief. Or we may be convinced that others don't wish to share our distress.

We have learned, after all, that the world around us is not always able to understand how we feel. Besides, we were taught to be brave. Many of us will do everything we can to appear "normal" after our loss. But we were also taught to be honest. And when you feel the hurt, when you seem almost to be lost in the shadows of this golden summertime, don't hide your sorrow. The grief of your spirit can perhaps be kept a secret on the outside. Yet, your deepest feelings, unexpressed, can burn into your existence with harmful force.

You can be both brave and honest. You know that it's brave to share grief, be it old grief or new grief. And revealing that sorrow is also honest. Of course, nothing can wipe away much of your pain, but sharing grief is helpful. You will know that after you have expressed the painful sorrow you once kept hidden, and you find yourself, finally, smiling at the memories and the blessings of past summertimes.

Enjoying our blessings vs. focusing on what we've lost...

~~by Cherie Houston

I want to share with you a comment I read in the spring of 2010, just months after my son Bobby died. A student of mine sent me the link, recommending that I read an article she'd read which she felt might help me with my grief journey..The following “comment” was written about this specific article - the article itself was written by Meagan Francis, on her website: www.thehappiestmom.com

Meagan Francis's article on June 1st, 2010 was titled: “Going On Living After A Child Has Died” a subject we all know and understand only too well.... please read it if you get a chance...

Anyway - after I read her article, I continued on and read many of the comments that were posted.  Most of the comments voiced overwhelming fear and tremendous gratitude that they, the person writing the comment, had never experienced this horrific event of losing a child themselves. But the following comment touched my heart – it made me realize just how important it is for each of us who have lost a child to continue on, to enjoy life and celebrate the life of our child who has died – but just as importantly, it reminded me of how, the way in which we continue on, can and does affect those we love who are still with us. Thank you Michelle P for your honesty and words of wisdom…I have the following comment printed and by my computer to continually remind me of the importance of living and enjoying each and every member of my family who are alive and well..something I was losing sight of...

Despite my love for my three angel children, I admit I am not ready to join them ~ instead I hope that I can and will keep their memories alive by living each and every day to the fullest and seeing the beauty and blessings of all that I have, which includes my amazing family: the most wonderful husband a woman could ask for, 2 wonderful sons; 2 wonderful step-sons, 5 beautiful daughter-in-laws and 10 (soon to be 11) amazing grandchildren!!!  I try to focus each & every day on the positive, instead of concentrating on that which I’ve lost..  I truly hope this comment will help you just a little…

Michelle P on June 1, 2010 at 8:02 pm

Denise Schipani expressed it perfectly: “You go on, but you take a wildly different path.” If we are the sum total of our experiences – and losing a child is surely one of the most traumatic experiences I’ve ever witnessed – then what actually happens to parents in these circumstances is not only unknowable, it’s unimaginable.

I watched my parents deal with the accidental death of my younger brother (he drowned at the age of 19), through the months when they were literally sick with grief, and the eight years since. They (as am I) are forever changed by his death but not necessarily in a negative or even regrettable way. And that’s because (and I’m not sure how to say this right) it’s not only in death that we were changed: that change actually began with his life – the fact that he died is only one aspect of who he was, just as the fact that my mother is not just a person who lost a son, she is a person who HAD a son for 19 years. And after working (and it really WAS work) through their grief, my parents choose to go on living full and even healthier lives partly as a celebration of his life. They see it as his inheritance, as something he’s given back to them, a way to make sense of his death – it gives even more meaning to their lives, to their identities as parents (because you don’t stop being a parent when your child dies).

I am incredibly proud of my parents for this: it is not only one of the bravest decisions they have ever taken, but it means that I have not lost them along with the future I would have had my brother.

A Grieving Fathers Prayer

As so many celebrate Father's Day today, please remember those dads & grandfathers with angel children & grandchildren, who are on the same grief journey and share that  same sense of loss that we felt on Mother's Day.. how well they too know that never ending heartache that time can't erase..  Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers and if you see them today, give them a special hug and remind that you remember them and their child and their pain and pray that they find peace and joy in their child/children's memories..

A Grieving Father’s Prayer

~ written by Laura/Heavenly Lights Children’s Memorial ~ www.heavenlylights.homestead.com

 Our Father… Who art in heaven…

I come to you with a heavy heart today…

I know you know… but I have lost my child…

And am feeling like I lost my way.

People seem to think I am so strong…

I am not invincible…I am not superman…

I am just a grieving father… missing my child

And could use a friendly helping hand.

I have always been the fixer-upper type of dad…

I could fix anything…ever since I was ten…

But I cannot fix the clock of time…

But, Please God, can you help me wind it up again?

Please bless all the grieving fathers…

Each hour throughout this day…

With the strength to keep moving ahead…

Even one baby step at a time…would be okay.

Please bless all grieving fathers…

Each day throughout this week…

And guide them on their journey of grief…

As the meaning of life they do seek.

Please bless all grieving fathers…

Each week this whole month through…

With memories to last a lifetime…

And understanding friends to turn to.

Please bless all grieving fathers

Each month throughout this year…

With hugs to comfort…in our time of need

And people to realize our grief doesn’t disappear.

Please bless all grieving fathers…

Each year until the end of time…

With faith in You…to see us through

From sunrise to sunset…for our whole lifetime.

Please God Bless all grieving fathers…

Each day throughout this year…

As seasons change…

And time unfolds…

Day by day…

Month by month…

Year by year…

And especially today…on this Father’s Day.

Amen

Facing Fathers Day with a Pit in your Stomach (repeated)

We posted this last June and the response was incredible so we are posting it again this year for all our dads & grandfathers..Fathers Day is just a week away and we want you to know that we are thinking of you an that we understand your quiet and often "unshared" grief....You are all in our thought and prayers this month and always...

~ By Tim Nelson, Author of A guide for Fathers When A Baby Dies - Tim and his wife, Monica, suffered the full-term stillbirth of their second child, Kathleen. While that was a number of years ago, Tim has stayed connected to the issue through his writing and speaking on the topic of father's grief following the death of an infant. Tim, like many men, had trouble talking about his feelings after his daughter's death. Tim hopes that his blog might be a place for dads to share their thoughts about what they are experiencing and find support from other dads - Visit Tim's Blog: www.fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com

"I think one of the most difficult things for me is talking to couples who have lost a child in the last year and hear them speak of the dread they feel as Mother's Day and Father's Day approach. I have written about this before and encouraged moms and dads to try and find a way to get through the day as best they can while allowing themselves to celebrate the fact that they are parents of a child they loved very much. I have to admit those words can sound pretty hollow, and I can't help but think to myself, "who am I kidding? -- it sucks and there is no way of avoiding it."

It also may not really help to know that for most of us, it does get easier as time goes by and we heal to the point of being able to feel more of the joy than the pain of our child's short life. It's good to have hope, but you still have to make it through those first holidays where it seems like everyone else is celebrating while you want to crawl under a rock and hope it can just go away.

I hope those of you who read this blog that have a little more time under your belt since your loss, can share things that you found helpful as you faced these difficult times. Some of you may have shared before, but know that there are always new people coming on board who could benefit from your experience and your hard earned wisdom.

There are just a couple of things I want to say again (hollow or not) because I honestly believe they are important to remember:

1) Yes..... you are a parent. For those whose loss was your first child, sometimes it's easy to fall into the trap of not thinking you have the "right" to celebrate these special days. Adding to the misconception is the fact that family and friends wrongly believe that they should not say anything or acknowledge the day for fear it might remind you that your baby died... (if only it were that easy to make the pain go away.)

2) Be creative. If you don't feel you can celebrate the day with the traditional brunch or family gathering, try and think of ways that you can make this day special for you and your baby. If that means going to the cemetery or visiting a place you recall being happy during your pregnancy, allow yourselves the opportunity to do that. Write a note to your child, release a balloon, visit a hospital or nursing home, go for a walk, cry, laugh, plant a bush (or flower or tree), smile..... most importantly, be around people who will let you do what you need to do... no matter who or how many that is.

3) Be hopeful. Ask yourselves what your baby would want this day to be like for you?

I could rattle on for a long time trying to be profound, but I'll spare you that. I would much rather have others of you who probably did a lot better job than myself in dealing with the sadness write your thoughts. It's when you share things that can help others (even if it's letting them know they are not the only ones hurting) that you give your child a voice and let them touch the world and make it better.

Good luck. You are not alone"