What Makes A Mother..

As April ends and May begins - and Mother's Day ahead - we will have a new post each morning thru Mother's Day and we thought we should begin by reminding oursevlves, of What Makes a Mother...

~~ Author Unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes, and prayed to God today,

I asked, "What makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say:

A Mother has a baby, this we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother, when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied, with confidence in his voice,

I give many women babies, when they leave it is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime and others for the day

And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.

He took a breath, and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you, what your child is doing here...

If you could see your child smile, with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,

but My mommy loved me so much I got to come straight here!"

I feel so lucky to have a Mom, who had so much love for me,

I learned my lessons very quickly, my Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep, on her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear,

"Mommy, Please don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one, your children are okay.

Your babies are here in My home, and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,  until your lessons there are through,

And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see what makes a Mother,

It's the feeling in your heart,

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start.

SOMETIMES

There is healing in recalling and sharing our memories with someone. This poem is by Marsha Updike~~ from a Compassionate Friends Candlelight Cermemony..

Sometimes,

Memories are like rain showers

Sprinkling down upon you

Catching you unaware.

Sometimes,

Memories are like thunderstorms

Beating down upon you

Relentless in their downpour

And then they will cease,

Leaving you tired and bruised.

Sometimes,

Memories are like shadows

Sneaking up behind you

Following you around,

Then they disappear,

Leaving you sad and confused.

Sometimes,

Memories are like comforters

Surrounding you with warmth,

Luxuriously abundant,

And sometimes they stay,

Wrapping you in contentment.

Everyone grieves differently

Myths and Facts About Grief

Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried – and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years.

Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.  These are some common misconceptions about Grief...

MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.

FACT: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

MYTH: It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.

FACT: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.

FACT: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.

FACT: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can and will differ from person to person.
 ~~ Source: Center for Grief and Healing

Quote from Lord of the Rings

This quote was sent to Joyce Floyd, Leader of the Moms Support Group in LHC, Arizona by her granddaugher "Melanie Floyd (who recently joined the Floyd family when she married Elijah in November".  Melanie sent this to Joyce when Joyce was first diagnosed with breast cancer learlier this year... it quickly became a favorite and she wanted to share it with you...

I know it’s all wrong, by right we shouldn’t even be here, but we are. It’s like in the great stories, the ones that really mattered, full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end, because how can the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass and a new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those are the stories that stayed with you that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why.

~Quote from Lord of the Rings

In The Springtime of Your Grief

~ By Judi Fisher, Cleveland, Ohio - Compassionate Friends

Spring has fragile beginnings: a tiny shoot of green that emerges from the cold earth, a hint of pastel against the brownish grass, a bud that awakes with the morning sun. Sometimes spring comes so quietly we almost miss it, but once it begins, it is impossible to ignore the daily growth and change. The morning sun brings sounds that were not there before. The breeze carries warmth that invites us to venture outside of ourselves. A promise is released with the budding and blossoming surrounding us. Hope emerges for the beginning of a new season: change is in the air.

What we experience in the springtime of the year is what we can experience in the springtime of our grief. There begins to be a growing radiance. The radiance is not just around us, it is within us. A gradual warming of the heart silences the chill of intense pain. The natural unfolding of the grief process moves gently to remind us that we will survive.

Life is changing and growth emerges through the changes. The song of our hearts that seemed off key, begins to experience a harmonious blend of the past and the present. The songs of the birds invite us to join them in a celebration of new life. In the springtime of our grief, there can be a new song for us to sing. It will be a song we composed through the heartache of loss.

Optimism for a better day may awaken us one morning. Hearing laughter and discovering it is coming from within ourselves gives us promise for today. Dreams and hopes for a better tomorrow shine brightly with the morning sun.

Surviving the winter of our grief with the openness to embrace change is a decision to embrace loss and integrate its impact into the fabric of our lives. It can be a willingness to explore new possibilities that create a different landscape to behold. We can make a decision that we will begin to appreciate that we still have, not just focus on what is missing.

We will know when we have made that decision. Something buds; something opens. The harshness of winter is softened with new life and new growth. It is not something we can force, it is something that unfolds when the time is right. The springtime of grief arrives with no dramatic entrance, no flashing lights. The stillness of the beauty unfolds and captures our attention. It is happening around us, but it is also happening in us.

If spring has already crossed the path of your personal journey of grief, rejoice! But if the chill of winter remains in your heart, be encouraged; spring is on it’s way. Look for it, expect it, and it will be yours to experience around you and in you!

The Three N's of Grief

~ by Kennth C. Haugk - Segments from his "A Time to Grieve" - Book 1

You've suffered one of the greatest losses anyone has to experience - the loss of a loved one - your child.  Your life has been truly turned upside down, and it feels as if part of you is missing.  The very real and human response to such as loss is to grieve.  Yet sometimes, people still feel pressured not to grieve.  The message they receive is that grief is optional, abnormal or even a sign of weakness.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Grief is as very normal, natural and necessary process.  I like to call these the three N's of grief...

• Grief is normal because it is how people respond to a significant personal loss.  It's normal to expect people who've lost someone they love to be deeply affected by their loss.
• Grief is natural in that it's a completely human thing to do.  We can't avoid grief - it's built into us.  We're created to grieve, just as we're created to love.  We love and when we lose someone, we grieve.
• Grief is necessary.  Grief provides a healthy way to cope with the loss and everything it means to us.  Trying to ignore or avoid grief won't work.  It will only make the grief last longer and possibly cause even more pain.

The most important thought I can share with you is GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO GRIEVE.  You're human, so let yourself be human,  Sometimes people begin to feel the tears welling up or emotions starting to flow, they they shut off the faucet and try to hold their feelings back, Letting yourself feel is the best and healthiest thing you can dor for yourself and for those you love.

Words From An Angel

~~Author Unknown

I have not turned my back on you,

so there is no need to cry.

I’m watching you from Heaven,

just beyond the morning sky.

I’ve seen you almost fall apart,

when you could barely stand.

I’ve asked the Lord to comfort you,

and watched Him take your hand.

He told me you are in more pain,

than I could ever be.

He wiped His eyes and swallowed hard,

then gave your hand to me.

Although you may not feel my touch,

or see me by your side,

I’ve whispered that I love you,

while I wiped each tear you cried.

So please try not to ache for me,

We’ll meet again one day.

Beyond the dark and stormy sky,

a rainbow lights the way.

WHEN A CHILD DIES (Part 2 of 2)

~ by Carol Staudacher

When A Child Dies - Surviving the Death of Dreams Part 2 of 2

You can find groups for grieving parents by contacting the pastoral care office of the largest hospital near you or by inquiring at the closest hospice. They should be able to direct you to local, specialized support, such as a group for women surviving neonatal death, or for parents surviving the loss of a child to AIDS. Consult the "resources" attached to this article for other national organizations that are likely to have local chapters in your area.

There will be times when you feel especially fragmented, as if the challenge of getting through the day is beyond your capabilities or beyond your desire. When you feel this way, let your heart dictate your direction. Rest and reflect and allow your feelings to come forth without censoring or resisting them. Don't hold back tears. It's not just a myth that crying makes you feel better--it actually does.

During these times of release and reflection, you might begin a project you can work on quietly, slowly, and lovingly--a scrapbook of photos, a letter or poem to your daughter, a piece of prose that describes your son--emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. Describe everything he meant to others, everything he achieved in his life. You may tape-record your own memories or experiences. Some parents have pieced together clips from their videos and those of friends or relatives to make a composite of their child's life.

More than anything, follow your own lead, do what allows you some relief. If you need to tell your story over and over, seek out those who will listen. If you need to reflect upon your child's life, privately and for great lengths of time, then indulge yourself in solitude.

When you begin to regain some degree of peace and strength, consider contributing some part of yourself--your knowledge, affection, or skills--to a child or an adult in need, someone who could experience self worth as a result of your attention, guidance, and kindness.

Regardless of the brevity of your child's life, you can build a legacy out of the love you hold by allowing it to spill over into the lives of those you don't even know yet. As one mother put it, "You can gather the love you have and use it to lighten the darkened spirit of a neglected child who has never been the source of anyone's pride."

Whether or not you choose to put your grief into action in this way will be just one of the choices you consider as you work to reshape your future. Regardless of the direction you choose, you'll continue to tap those same powerful resources that helped you to this point. "Surviving his death has brought me this far," a young father said, "now I owe it to my son to go forward with as much perseverance and vision as possible."

Trust yourself to do the same, to follow the path that honors your heart.

~ Carol Staudacher is an author and grief educator whose regular column for Beliefnet focuses on the adult grieving process. Her books include "Men and Grief" and "Beyond Grief: A Guide for Recovering From the Death of a Loved One".

WHEN A CHILD DIES (Part 1 of 2)

~ by Carol Staudacher

When A Child Dies - Surviving the Death of Dreams Part 1 of 2

"It's not supposed to be this way," the mother of a dying teenager cried. "I wasn't meant to live longer than my daughter. But now I have to."

How do you survive the death of your child? As a parent, you're supposed to be the provider, the nurturer, the protector, the mentor, the guide. You invest love and hope and certain beliefs in your son or daughter. But most of all, you do not outlive your child.

When tragedy strikes and you do bury a child, you're faced with reconstructing a life that has been suddenly robbed of its parental responsibilities and joys. The source of a certain kind of reciprocal love in your life is now absent. Your child may have loved openly or buoyantly, or been reserved and quietly affectionate. He or she may have been a typical teenager--aloof, moody, even a bit defiant, loving reluctantly. Your adult child may have doubled in the role of your sister, brother, friend, or caregiver. In any case, the place you reserved in the center of your heart and soul for your unique son or daughter is now aching.

Parents who lose a child to miscarriage or infant death experience a different, wrenching loss--often made more painful by people's awkward efforts to suggest that the brevity of a child's life should limit the extent of grief. But parental bonds begin with the dreams and hopes we carry for our unborn children. You probably enjoyed months of anticipation. You may have set up a nursery, had showers, enjoyed the eagerness of potential grandparents. For you and all who shared your joy, the loss and grief are very real.

Regardless of the age of the child, when you lose a son or daughter, part of your self is gone. In the case of mothers, part of your physical self is gone--the body that grew and quickened within you. For both fathers and mothers, your sense of family has undergone severe change.

There are hopes to abandon, expectations to dismiss, and a whole array of profound emotional responses that both confuse and weaken the strongest and most determined of adult survivors.

Often parents have severe feelings of anger directed at others they see as having some direct responsibility for their son or daughter's death. These may include members of the medical community, relatives, the child's friends, even organizations or institutions.

It's crucial to talk about your strongest emotions with someone you trust. Avoid friends and relatives who do not have the capacity to acknowledge your feelings of despair, sadness, longing, regret--or even guilt. You do not have any obligation to listen to someone tell you that you are lucky because you have other children, or that you can get pregnant again, or that there must be some way your child's accident was "part of God's plan," or that your child's illness could have been cured or averted. You have lost your child, and you need to talk to others who have done the same, those whose pain parallels yours, whose understanding will be deep and supportive.

~ Carol Staudacher is an author and grief educator whose regular column for Beliefnet focuses on the adult grieving process. Her books include "Men and Grief" and "Beyond Grief: A Guide for Recovering From the Death of a Loved One".

DO I EVER STOP BEING A BEREAVED PARENT?

~ by David J.Roberts (Janury 2010)

I was asked by a friend of mine if we ever stop being bereaved parents. My friend is also a bereaved parent. It was an interesting question, because approximately two years after my daughter Jeannine died, I decided that I didn’t want to be a bereaved parent anymore. The daily pain and suffering became too much for me. I wanted my life to be the way it was before Jeannine died. I stopped going to my parental bereavement support group and tried to not think about the pain of losing my precious daughter. I became more miserable as a result of my conscious decision to stop being bereaved.

I decided to ask my support group facilitator for help. After a few sessions with her, she helped me realize that I needed to embrace my identity as a bereaved parent in order for me to adjust to the physical absence of Jeannine. Embracing my identity as a bereaved parent means doing things to find meaning and joy amidst the sadness of my loss, while being of service to others.
Here are some of the things that have helped me find joy and meaning following Jeannine’s death.

• Listening to others stories – I am honored and humbled when bereaved parents shares their stories of their deceased child’s life and death because it is one of the most intimate events that is shared between two people. I identify with their pain, but I also feel joy when some wonderful memories of their loved ones are shared
• Making a conscious effort to brighten up someone’s day – This can be anything from holding a door open for another person to sending a note or an e-mail to let someone know that you are thinking of them. I supervise six staff at my place of employment, and I make it a point to ask about their personal lives and families at least once a week
• Writing – For me, this has taken the form of articles on Jeannine’s story, to revelations that I have experienced during my grief journey. Writing can also take the form of a personal journal or poetry that bereaved parents feel captures the essence of their children. A bereaved parent recently sent me a book that she made identifying the positive qualities of her son that she wanted to integrate into her own life
• Learning gratitude for the present moment – Early in my grief, I was angry and bitter because of the cruel injustice of losing a child. Now, almost seven years into my grief, I have learned to have gratitude for those who are with me in the present. The present moment is all that is guaranteed to us. Knowing that my relationship with Jeannine is ongoing has also helped me appreciate the present moment more.

We don’t stop being bereaved parents. As we adjust to our new reality, we are able to find joy with and without a connection to our bereaved parent identities. As long as we are willing to ride the emotional roller coaster that is our grief, we will be able to learn to live once again.

~ by David J.Roberts, LMSW, CASAC is a bereaved parent, whose daughter Jeannine Marie died on 3/1/03 of a rare form of cancer, at the age of 18. He has been employed in the addictions field for 23 years.

WORK AFTER THE DEATH OF A CHILD

THE HEARTBREAKING JOURNEY OF RETURNING TO THE WORKPLACE AFTER THE DEATH OF A CHILD
~ by Angela Thomas-Jones
Losing a child is a horrendous, life changing experience and returning to the workplace soon after is something that could be considered an enormous task.
Returning to work after the death of a child is a heartbreaking and traumatic experience. The loss of a young or grown child affects a family in certain ways. It is difficult to inform family let alone work colleagues and strangers of the loss that has just happened to your family.
The loss of a newborn, miscarried or stillborn baby has different and lasting affects. The mother does not only have to deal with the loss of a child and all the plans that she had for its future, but she also has to deal with telling people of her loss while still physically showing signs of her pregnancy. So how can you deal with this situation?

• Take a few days and decide whether you want to tell people straight away or whether you want to wait a while
• When you are ready to tell people at work of your loss start by choosing a communication device. I found that email worked well, because you can tell a large amount of people in one hit and you only have to write the story out once
• If you don’t feel that you can do it yourself find a trustworthy work friend, who can answer the questions for you. Tell them as much (or as little) as you would like people to know and let them know which people you want to be told
• Be honest with people. If they ask you about your pregnancy you have every right to tell them the truth. Don’t ever feel ashamed of what has happened, especially if people are being nosey – a side effect of being pregnant
• Look after and protect yourself. While you may want to tell people straight away, don’t forget to take the time to grieve your loss. A miscarriage through to a full-grown child were all once the same size.
• Take the time to mourn, but find your own way to deal with it
• Go back to work at your own pace, which may be full or part time. Do what you feel like. It’s your work life!

The Legend of the Daisy

The Creator looked down.
All over the earth He saw parents whose hearts were heavy.
They had lost the littlest of His creatures,
their precious children.

He saw their tears and heard their silent prayers.
He sent to earth a special flower…
a flower that would be just for them.
He scattered this little flower far and wide….
in gardens and in fields, along roads and paths,
in bright sunlit pastures and into the darkest corners.

The Creator sent these saddened parents the Daisy,
a little flower to be watered with their tears.

The Daisy symbolized the soul of their children.
Its bright white petals represented their purity and innocence;
the green of its leaves---the promise and hope
for brighter days to come.

The Daisy thrived everywhere.
It stretched its bright face toward Heaven.
The special little flower was given
to remind each Mother and Father
that their little one rested
in the light and beauty of the Creator.

And this, my friends, is the legend of the Daisy.

~~sent by Keny Leepier, Mommy to Raeyn Jolie ~~San Diego, CA

How to Maintain a Marriage After Child-Loss

~ by Sandy Fox the author of “I Have No Intention of Saying Good-bye.” The book tells the stories of 25 sets of parents and how they moved on with their lives after the death of their child.. This is a segment…

Many couples who have experienced the death of their child may also experience a crisis in their marriage as a result. This untimely event can be an opportunity for growth bringing the two people closer together, but it takes understanding to overcome this crisis and do it together.

The belief that a bereaved couple is doomed to divorce is blown way out of proportion. In fact, a Compassionate Friends survey has indicated that only 4 percent of couples who divorce do so because of the child’s death, that something else was wrong in the relationship before the child died. If the couple has always had a good marriage, typically that marriage will grow stronger, not collapse.

Making your relationship a priority during this difficult time should be your goal. One way to do this is to talk about your child. Remember the good times, funny incidents. Laugh at something silly that your child did as well as remember any awards, honors and graduations that made you so proud. Don’t dwell on how your child died. That is not going to bring him or her back. If you feel guilty about something, talk about it. If you are angry about something, talk about that also.

Couples have a bond with their child that no one else can match and by talking about those bonds and your feelings, you may realize how very similar you feel or at least respect the opposite feelings of your partner.

The chance of both parents grieving in the same way is very unlikely. Partners should allow each other grieving space at their own rate and in their own way. Personality, previous experiences, and your own style of grieving contribute to that respect of grieving space.

If one partner wants to cry, that doesn’t mean the other one has to cry. If one partner doesn’t feel like going out, he or she shouldn’t feel obligated to do so. If you can’t decide what to make for breakfast, don’t worry about it - your child has died and you need time to adjust, and you eventually will. A few other suggestions may work for you:

• Talk to friends about your relationship with your husband to ease the stress buildup. Perhaps they have a good resource for any problems.
• You may also need to express feelings about your loss to friends that you are not ready to discuss with your spouse.
• Sometimes when one partner feels really bad, going off on your own for a few hours or a day may give you a new perspective.
• Don’t bring your spouse down or make him/her suffer with sarcastic comments, harmful accusations just because you feel miserable.
• Look for ways you can please your spouse to ease some of his/her pain. Do some activity with him/her that you don’t usually do but know the other would like you to.
• Make a special meal that the other enjoys eating.
• Do something related to your child that up until now you have not been able to do.
• At the end of the day, coming together is important. Review with your spouse what has happened that day, how you are feeling and what you are thinking. You will more than likely learn a lot about your partner during this period of your life more than at any other time.
• Time is also a great healer. As time passes you will discover a sense of acceptance of what has happened to you and your spouse and, hopefully, have the willingness to learn to find new ways of living your life ‘together’ without your child.

~ Sandy Fox, author of “I Have No Intention of Saying Good-bye,” stories of hope and healing from the death of a child has a new book on surviving grief “Creating a New Normal…After the Death of a Child,” with coping and informational strategies for all those trying to put the pieces back together again.

The Jelly Bean Poem for Grieving Families

~ Written by Laura from Heavenly Lights Children’s Memorial~

RED is for my love for you that will never sever…..

For love is not measured by the time we had together….

but what’s in our hearts forever.

GREEN is for memories that I will always treasure…

Although time may pass…our memories will last…forever and ever.

YELLOW is for the sunshine that you gave to me…

You brightened up my life and made my world shine,

and will continue to shine brilliantly for the rest of time.

ORANGE is for the candles flame I light in memory of you…

Flame that glows so bright as I speak your name in prayer..

Asking God to hold you close…until I join you there.

BLACK is for the grief from my broken shattered heart.

Taking each day one at a time….as I keep your memory alive..

Life is different, I am different….but I CAN and WILL survive.

PURPLE is for tears I shed as I remember you….

Precious memories you left behind….preserved deep inside…

You will always live on through our family….forever by our side.

WHITE is for my hope and faith in God above…

The promise of resurrection….knowing we will reunite..

Above the clouds…over the rainbow…in His everlasting light.

PINK is for the signs you send from Heaven up above…

Lighting my path wherever I go and whatever I may do….

My precious child, I will always love and remember you.

On Easter…..For Always.

A DIFFERENT EASTER

~ Chris Gilbert, TCF, Tampa, Florida

Easter bunnies, brand new clothes, egg hunts, candy and baskets, the start of Spring. How exciting is this time of year? A new beginning, everything so fresh, so invigorating! But, unfortunately only painful and sorrowful memories are here for those of us who are bereaved parents and grandparents.

Gone is the laughter, the excitement in a special child’s eyes, the feeling of a whole new aspect in life. Spring is here and the world appears ready to bloom again with new life, new hope, and new wonders.

How can we view life in this way when part of ourselves is now gone, forever lost to us? How can our lives continue to go on when one of us is missing, no longer able to share this “newness” of life? It seems so unfair! And yet, out of our “darkness” comes the first signs of hope – a “bud” of survival, a moment of laughter, a memory of a happier time.

The Easter season usually represents rebirth; let this season be the “birth” of your finding your way back to life again, of finding the ability to heal, and of being able to resolve your grief so that hope and comfort are once again in your life. Let this time of the year show you that you CAN make it through this deepest, most difficult, and sorrowful time of your lives.

MEANING OF EASTER: TIME TO GRIEVE BEFORE THE ‘RESURRECTION’

As Easter approaches, we thought you might enjoy this insight into grief and the Easter Holiday from a dad after the loss of his 25 year old son....

~ By David Daniels, M.D

Easter is the season of renewal. But what does this mean in terms of our grieving the loss of loved ones? In the Christian tradition, Easter is the time of the death and resurrection of Jesus. Many Christians believe in the literal truth of this, of the resurrection and of life everlasting. Many Christians and others also believe the account of Jesus’ death but in a symbolic way, as a representation of undying spirit. Thus, Easter is a time both of mourning the passing of loved ones and of rejoicing in their lives. In either event, it is a time to remember our loved ones and recall their profound gifts to us.

To me, a key way to experience Easter is that the passing from this life needs a period of time to grieve and to remember how our hearts ache and are touched. At the core of the sadness embodied in grief is the reminder of our bond of love and care. We need time to grieve. Just as in the instance of Jesus’ death, a period of time was necessary to grieve his passing before the experience of the resurrection or “rising again” could take place and be fully appreciated.

Giving ourselves time to grieve allows us to realize that love and the other higher qualities are immortal or as in remembering Easter are naturally resurrected. Surely at the very least what “rises again” is our inner knowing that our higher qualities especially of faith, hope, and love never die. This we all need not just to remember, but also to know as truth. But first we need the process of grief in order to fully come back to knowing that these qualities are immortal and everlasting present.

Surely when we are receptive, even the young infant provides a vivid example of these gifts of being in the present moment with us without judgment, of radiating joy, and of a shared connection, the gift of love.

When we look upon the memory of our youngest son’s tragic death at age 25, what we remember is his loving spirit, the joy he brought us, and his acceptance of us despite our numerous flaws. He enriches our lives beyond words. For underneath our personality structure with all its trials and tribulations resides the higher qualities.

We just need to give ourselves the gift of allowing these qualities to imbue our lives. But first we must allow ourselves to grieve the physical passing of the love one. Just as in the instance of Jesus, there was a period of grieving before the resurrection. This is my meaning of Easter.

At this time of year, in your own grief, please do give yourself the gift of time to allow in the realization that the essential or higher qualities in the loved ones you miss so dearly do underlie all external manifestations and are permanently present.

~ Dr. David Daniels, MD is clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford Medical School, a leading developer of the Enneagram system of nine personality styles, and co-author of The Essential Enneagram

LETTING GO OF GUILT

~ by Clara Hinton ( Feb 2004)

Quite often, the first feelings that overtake a mother or father following the death of a child are feelings of extreme guilt. Thoughts of “if only” seem to relentlessly keep returning. “If only” I had taken her to the doctor sooner. “If only” I had not given him the car keys when I knew the roads were icy. “If only” I had not turned my back to answer the phone. “If only” I had not left him playing alone in the bathtub. Guilt is such a heavy burden of grief to carry around!

How does a parent move beyond the guilt of losing a child? How can a parent shed the painful feelings of inadequacy? How does a parent ever find a way to let go of the guilt?  The most difficult step in releasing the tight clutch that guilt holds on a parents’ heart is dealing with the reality of the loss. “My child died” are often the most difficult three words that will ever come from the mouth of a parent. Those words are hard words, yet they are words that are necessary to say and to understand before being able to rid oneself of guilt.

When we live in an “if only” emotional environment, we have not yet come to the full realization that child loss has actually occurred. We are still working through the mental “if only” reasoning which continues to wreak havoc on a parent’s heart. When a parent lives in an “if only” state, the reality of the child’s death can never be completely accepted. As painful as it is, a parent must—at some point—make the hard choice to accept the reality that the child has died.

Because a parent’s primary role is to nurture and care for the child, a parent often has a feeling of deserving punishment when a child dies. That is simply another way of expressing the heaviness of guilt. A parent often wrestles with the thought that “because my child died, I do not deserve to ever smile again.” Guilt continues to prevent many parents from moving forward in this difficult journey we call grief.

It takes a lot of concentrated effort, hard work, and support from others to be able to forgive oneself and finally let go of the gnawing feeling of guilt following the death of a child. Until a parent makes the decision to leave the heavy weight of guilt behind, joy can never return to a heart that has been so deeply wounded by the loss of a child.

Letting go of guilt is a decision that must be made. There is no timetable for making that decision, and others cannot force that decision on any parent. Eventually, a parent will come to the realization that the child’s death is real, and there is a hard choice to be made—to continue to live in the guilt of the loss, or to let go of that heaviness of guilt and begin to experience a bit of peace and joy once again.

Letting go of guilt requires a real effort to put an end to the “if only” questions. Letting go of guilt means that a parent no longer blames himself for the death of the child. Letting go of guilt means forgiving oneself and accepting oneself. Letting go of guilt means being gentle with oneself and allowing time for healing to take place.

Letting go of guilt is one of the most difficult parts of grief work. It takes a lot of energy, understanding, and patience. But, when guilt is finally set free, a parent’s heart can begin to walk the journey of healing through child loss.