Helping Yourself Heal When Your Child Dies – Part 1 of 6

~~ Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt

Allow Yourself to Mourn - Your Child has died. You are now faced with the difficult, but important, need to mourn. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings regarding the death of your child. It is an essential part of healing.

With the death of your child, your hopes, dreams and plans for the future are turned upside down. You are beginning a journey that is often frightening, painful and overwhelming. The death of a child results in the most profound bereavement. In fact, sometimes your feelings of grief may be so intense that you do not understand what is happening. This brochure provides practical suggestions to help you move toward healing in your personal grief experience.

Realize Your Grief is Unique - Your grief is unique. The unique child you loved and cared for so deeply has died. No one, including your spouse, will grieve in exactly the same way you do. Your grief journey will be influenced not only by the relationship you had with your child, but also by the circumstances surrounding the death, your emotional support system and your cultural and your religious background.

As a result, you will grieve in your own unique way. Don't try to compare your experience with that of others or adopt assumptions about just how long your grief should last. Consider taking a "one-day-at-a-time" approach that allows you to grieve at your own pace.

Note: Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt is a noted author, educator and practicing clinical thanatologist. He serves as a Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School in the Department of Family Medicine. – From the website: http://www.buddhanet.net/r_child.htm

Insight about how our grief impacts those we love

~~by Cherie Houston

I want to share with you a comment I read this week. A student of mine recommended that I read an article she'd seen on line - so I did knowing the topic...  The following “comment” was written about this specific article - the article itself was written by Meagan Francis, on her website: www.thehappiestmom.com.

Meagan Francis's article on June 1st, 2010 was titled: “Going On Living After A Child Has Died” a subject we all know and understand only too well.... you should read it if you get a chance...

Anyway - after reading her artilce, I continued on and read many of the comments that were posted – most of which voiced overwhelming fear and tremendous gratitude that they, the person writing the comment, had never experienced this horrific event themselves. But the following comment touched my heart – it made me realize just how important it is for each of us who have lost a child to continue on, to enjoy life and celebrate the life of our child who has died.  It also reminded me of how, the way in which we continue on, can and does effect those we love who are still with us. Thank you Michelle P for your honesty and words of wisdom….....

Michelle P on June 1, 2010 at 8:02 pm


Denise Schipani expressed it perfectly: “You go on, but you take a wildly different path.” If we are the sum total of our experiences – and losing a child is surely one of the most traumatic experiences I’ve ever witnessed – then what actually happens to parents in these circumstances is not only unknowable, it’s unimaginable.

I watched my parents deal with the accidental death of my younger brother (he drowned at the age of 19), through the months when they were literally sick with grief, and the eight years since. They (as am I) are forever changed by his death but not necessarily in a negative or even regrettable way. And that’s because (and I’m not sure how to say this right) it’s not only in death that we were changed: that change actually began with his life – the fact that he died is only one aspect of who he was, just as the fact that my mother is not just a person who lost a son, she is a person who HAD a son for 19 years. And after working (and it really WAS work) through their grief, my parents choose to go on living full and even healthier lives partly as a celebration of his life. They see it as his inheritance, as something he’s given back to them, a way to make sense of his death – it gives even more meaning to their lives, to their identities as parents (because you don’t stop being a parent when your child dies).

I am incredibly proud of my parents for this: it is not only one of the bravest decisions they have ever taken, but it means that I have not lost them along with the future I would have had my brother.

Happy Father's Day

When I was considering how to acknowledge today - Father's Day - I wanted to find an appropriate poem.  I thought of our children who would want to speak to their dads, for those of our children who might have been dads, such as my own son Bobby and what we or their children might say to them..  or just the concept of what makes a dad.  I hope you will find that both of these, reflect all those things… Remember to wish a dad well today..especially a dad who has lost a child....so to all "dads" here and in heaven.....

~~ Both Authors are Unknown

YOU NEVER

You never said I'm leaving

You never said goodbye

You were gone before I knew it,

And only God knew why

A million times I needed you,

A million times I cried

If Love alone could have saved you,

You never would have died

In Life I loved you dearly

In death I love you still

In my heart you hold a place,

That no one could ever fill

It broke my heart to lose you,

But you didn't go alone

For part of me went with you,

The day God took you home.

WHAT MAKES A DAD

God took the strength of a mountain,

The majesty of a tree,

The warmth of a summer sun,

The calm of a quiet sea,

The generous soul of nature,

The comforting arm of night,

The wisdom of the ages,

The power of the eagle's flight,

The joy of a morning in spring,

The faith of a mustard seed,

The patience of eternity,

The depth of a family need,

Then God combined these qualities,

When there was nothing more to add,

He knew His masterpiece was complete,

And so, He called it ... Dad

Helping Kids Who've Lost Dads, Celebrate Father’s Day

When a child loses a parent, holidays like Fathers Day can be especially painful and difficult. But their loss and the holiday is not something that can or should be ignored or avoided. It can be a time of healing – here are some thoughts.

1. Talk With The Mother About the Father’s Day Plans  - Communication is always helpful and as we know, some children deal very well with the loss, at least until they hit middle school. So, if you would like to help them celebrate, talk with their mom. Ask her what her plans are and tell her what you would like to do and ask if there is anything she would suggest. Working together, it can be a great chance to help them move forward.

2. Share Their Grief - Talk about their dad - most children love hearing stories about their dad - especially when their dad was their current age. Let children know how much you miss their dad also - this helps to validate that missing someone is very OK and very normal.  Children of any age can never hear often enough about their dad’s wonderful qualities, how important they were to him and how much he loved them.. Reassure them that he will always be with them in their hearts and that they can speak to him whenever and wherever they would like.

3. Celebrate their dad's life and their life together - Children can and should be given the choice to be included in classroom or other special projects for the holiday.  Let the child decide what they are comfortable with. Many children are not comfortable visiting the cemetery or other final resting place, so consider other more pleasant options; remind them how wonderful it is to create new & different traditions..

• Planting a tree, plant or other living reminder of their dad is a wonderful way to celebrate his life
• Create a memory book or collage of wonderful times they've shared together - this can be done with or without pictures
• Encourage children to put their thoughts, ideas and memories down on paper, in a card, letter or drawing.
• Many children enjoy writing notes to their dads and sending their notes to their dads in heaven, via a helium balloon or out to sea in a bottle at the ocean..
• Encourage & allow children to express themselves and their memories in their own way – no way is the right way – and what they choose will differ greatly depending on their ages, circumstances of the death and how recent it has been…  

As with anyone who has lost someone they love – be there for them – listen – and allow them to feel free to speak about their dad..

Remind them, no matter what – he will always be their dad..

CAN TIME HEAL? FINDING INNER STRENGTH AND PEACE

~ ~ By Cheril Goodrich

There is a belief that time heals all wounds. The premise of this belief is that the further you get away from an event in time the less the pain is felt that is associated with the event. From a Spiritual standpoint, is this true?

First of all to examine this concept, we must first address the idea of time. For something to be healing at a true Spiritual level it must involve a healing idea or, in other words, it must promote healing by offering an idea that can heal. Does time offer this? Is it possible for a non-feeling, non-caring idea, such as time, to give soothing to the soul when something happens that seems so catastrophic we do not have any idea how we can move beyond our pain? If all we have to look forward to is relief from a non-feeling source such as time, this calls into question our relationship to our Creator because, from this premise, time offers us a better way of healing. Perhaps this is not true at all. Perhaps we do not understand the provisions that God has provided for us when we are in such pain and so we rely on what we know. By relying on what we know we are apt to just make it through anyway we can. This does not necessarily heal the pain and some people go on for years not understanding how to move on.

Sometimes we have to find a miracle to move on. This involves finding a strength that does not come from us. If it came from us we would know how to handle the misery. Instead it involves finding a place in our own mind where time does not rule. Finding this place means finding a place of peace that exists within all of us. We all have access to this state because we were created with this fail-safe sanctuary, but we have forgotten how to access it and use it. This state of mind is our solution, but until we remember that it is there, and appreciate it, we will turn to what we know.

How can peace come to the world if we cannot even find peace within our own mind?  We are not being asked to heal the world, just ourselves of the internal pain and conflict that seems to be endless. We are living in perilous times.  If we are not responsible for ourselves, then who is? If I blame another or blame circumstances that seem to be beyond my control, then I am a victim, and someone else controls my life. This is not the role God would have us play.

Look for the solution in any circumstance that seems to be beyond your control. For every problem there is a solution. By concentrating only on the problem, the solution is removed from you by your own desire. By looking for and reaching for the solution, your mind will remember how to access the part of the mind where God abides. No one can do this for us, it is an individual choice that remains open to us, but is not evident unless we search for it.

The answer does not lie in time or in another idea that has been born in time. It is in our own mind. By learning to access and using another level of mind, we can heal not only ourselves, but also the world because accessing this part of our mind joins us with something Greater than ourselves. Learn to be a part of the healing force that will move the world beyond any perceived conflict. It all begins by learning to become master of your own mind.

WHAT'S NORMAL AND WHAT'S NOT

~~ By Angela Morrow, RN, About.com Guide, Updated November 24, 2009

Grief and mourning are natural responses to loss. And most people will say that all phases of the grief and mourning process feel “abnormal” and most who endure the grieving process feels that their grief is “complicated”. And they are correct and those feelings are “normal”

However, for some, the grieving process can be so complicated that it does become abnormal, but in time and with help, it is a process that can be overcome… These are some types of “complicated grief”:

Chronic Grief – the grieving person has trouble returning to normal activities over time

Disenfranchised grief – often occurs when a grieving person’s loss can’t be openly acknowledged or is one that society does not accept as a real. Examples include losses related to stillbirth, miscarriage, loss of a homosexual partner, overdoses from drugs and/or alcohol or suicide.

Delayed grief – the intentional postponement of grief. Sometime this is related to other life events or losses that drain ones ability to work through the grief process – examples include a young parent with multiple births who loses one child but has to care for the remaining; a young parent who loses a child but still has other children to be cared for; someone serving in the armed forces who loses an associate or family member back home, but must continue fighting the battles assigned to them; the list goes on…..

Exaggerated grief – intense reactions of grief that may include nightmares, delinquent behaviors, phobias (abnormal fears), and thoughts of ones own suicide.

Sudden grief – when death takes place very suddenly without warning. Sudden grief can lead to exaggerated reactions and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Again these loses might be stillbirth, miscarriage, suicide, tragic accidents, and other violent deaths.

Each of these types of  “COMPLICATED GRIEF” can occur alone but more often they are combined – such as “Sudden and Disenfranchised Grief” therefore complicating or compounding the grieving process. Grieving is a process which must be gone thru and can’t be avoided.

Suggestions:

• Be honest with yourself and those who love you - tell them that you are hurting
• Join a support group – often it is helpful to be with others who have had a similar experience
• Talk to your doctor or other professional
• You don’t have to endure this process alone – it is a journey we all take at some point in our lives.  Some of us take this journey more often than we’d like, but there is help to make the process easier and more bearable. 

The Precious Present!

Remember.....

Yesterday is history.

Tomorrow's a mystery.

Today is a gift.

That's why it's called the present!

Death of a Child

~~ by Sandy Eakle

Sorry I didn't get to stay.

To laugh and run and play.

To be there by your side.

I'm sorry that I had to die.

God sent me down to be with you,

to make your loving heart anew.

To help you look up and see

Both God and little me.

Mommy, I wish I could stay.

Just like I heard you pray.

But, all the angels did cry

when they told little me goodbye.

God didn't take me cause He's mad.

He didn't send me to make you sad.

But to give us both a chance to be

a love so precious .. don't you see?

Up here no trouble do I see

and the pretty angels sing to me.

The streets of gold is where I play

you'll come here too, mommy, someday.

Until the day you join me here,

I'll love you mommy, dear.

Each breeze you feel and see,

brings love and a kiss from me.

Sometimes I Just Need to Cry!

~by Martha Honn, BP/USA, SO. Il Chapter~
I feel that I am a very fortunate woman. Outwardly that may not be the first comment others would tend to make about me. You see there has been quite a bit of pain in my life.

When I was 8 yrs. old, my father died by suicide and I was the one who found him. My first child was born with spina bifida. We were told he probably wouldn’t survive, but as I write this I will tell you he is 32 yrs. Old. However, he has had to endure many corrective surgeries and is in a wheelchair. My mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor and we anxiously waited to hear the outcome of the surgery. My mother survived with the only adverse effect being her loss of smell. My marriage ended in divorce after 20 yrs. The marriage wasn’t all-bad, but I felt it slowly died during our last 5 yrs. Together. As a single mother of 3 I found life financially challenging even though I worked full time.

Then in 1999 my youngest child died suddenly in an automobile accident. I grieved and cried after each painful experience. The intense pain I felt the firs few years after my son’s death has grown softer over the years. The pain is now part of the person I am today. The events that occurred prior to my son’s death played a part in preparing me for what was to come. Perhaps those previous painful experiences allowed me to acquire an inner strength that even I didn’t know I possessed.

I have learned the importance of releasing the pressure that builds up inside when I experience something painful in my life. I didn’t learn this overnight. Sometimes I did things wrong or in unhealthy ways before I learned to handle what life handed me in a more healthy way. I seem to be a student of the School of Hard Knocks. Crying and talking it out seem to work best for me. It allows me to periodically release the pressure I carry inside me.

In 2003 I remarried. While I couldn’t have asked for a more compassionate and understanding man, he is typical in his desire to fix whatever needs fixing. When I cry he so desperately wants to get me over the hump quickly. It’s hard for him to see me hurting so badly. I have tried to help him understand the “pressure cooker effect” by explaining that if I don’t periodically release the pressure I will explode. We both came from farm backgrounds and both our mothers canned to preserve fresh food for our families using pressure cookers. Steam was periodically released from the pressure cooker. If the pressure was not released periodically, the lid blew off. I’m just like that pressure cooker because I need to periodically release the pressure. A good cry released that pent-up pressure.

After a good cry I usually feel tired, but much better. Crying is a much-needed release. It’s too bad more people don’t know about the pressure cooker effect. Maybe people would regard crying differently then. Yes, sometimes I just need to cry!!

A Mother’s Journey Through The Valley

~~ Jackie Thomson, TCF, Tuscaloosa, AL ~~

Is anybody out there listening? Help, oh help! I am drowning in a sea of pain likened only to molten lava. My child has died. Disappeared from my life, no longer held, or comforted or dressed, or smelling of baby powder and nuzzled in the folds of a soft little neck, or rocked in the oneness of a mother’s arms outside the womb.

Is anybody listening? Tell me it is not true, and that the worst nightmare of my imaginings has not happened. And if it is a bad dream, please wake me up now, for the ache and heaviness in my being is more than I can bear. Day after day and night after night march by in an endless processional of grief. I endure life. Its wonders are lost to me. A desert of weeks and months toll the demise of one as dear as life itself.

Then I am aware of being stalked by an unseen threat, an ominous foreboding of things to come. The day is approaching in relentless pursuit of my consciousness and my unconsciousness as well. I slyly take the approach that perhaps I can delude myself into thinking that she is on a trip and that I will get a letter soon or hear “Hi, Mom” on the telephone. Better yet, I feel there may be some stone I left unturned while throwing myself between my child and the threat. Yes, that’s it. If I can figure out the key to the abominable puzzle, the picture will be different. And still the point of no return draws nearer and the pain more intense. At 4 a.m. I am awake. My heart begs for a different outcome, but at dawn the reality of the cold light of day tells me this is all there is. I am floating prostrate in a flat plane of grief. Stay away from me! Leave me to my suffering because you cannot make it go away nor change the course. Nothing in between is acceptable on this day of days, so get away from me!

It seems unreal. The fever pitch of the day that passed. My limbs remain leaden, but I am upright again. I am doing what I would have been doing. Because it is mechanical I can function again. A year has passed. And another. Each cycle of my loss is less intense. Though the pain never leaves me, sometimes it is pushed back in my consciousness so that an occasional shaft of light and sweetness filters into the dark recess of my mind where I have hidden. I am cautious in accepting these offerings of release for they might turn on me and wound me again.

One day I reach the crest of the hill I have been climbing, and I feel the sun on my face, and I am not afraid to look below to hopes of serenity in pieces to be assembled like a patchwork quilt. I look back, where I’ve come from and am grateful for my process. I see that I am not the same unsuspecting person I was, taking for granted the continued presence of my loved ones. At last I am moving on. I know I will never be the same, but today I can live with that and appreciate the good left to me.

Summer Postings

Good morning - June 1st is here - so hard to believe how quickly time is passing.

Quick note - during the summer months of June July and August - postings will be done every 4th day.  As always if you have information, poem, story, website, book or other materials you enjoy or have found helpful on your "journey from mourning to joy", we hope you will share it with us, so we in turn can share it with other moms.  We would ask that you always let us know where you got the information, so that proper credit can always be given to the author of the materials...

We wish for you and yours a wonderful, healthy and happy summer.  September 1st we will return to our postings every other day...  Until then, smile and enjoy all that life has to offer - it is for certain what our children would hope we would be doing, in their memories...  Cherie Houston