WHEN AN ADULT CHILD DIES

~ by Miriam Moss

Who would want to think about the possibility of the death of their adult child? The reality of such a loss turns the world upside-down. Such a death is off time and unfair. Parents, particularly older parents, expect to die before their adult child.

"Adult child" is a strange pair of words. When we think of a child, we tend to think of a very young person who needs care and protection, and who lives under the wing of parents. An adult is expected to be independent, live away from parents and have a family of his or her own. But an adult child, no matter how old, remains a child to the parent. The bond continues throughout adulthood, as both parent and child tend to see the other as important and caring.

The impact of the death of an adult child is profound regardless of how close or strained the relationship, or how far they lived apart, or whether the death was anticipated or sudden. Parents do not want or expect their child to die before they do. But it still happens, maybe to you, to too many middle-aged and older parents. It's been estimated that one in ten parents who are age sixty and over have suffered the loss of one of their children.

When a middle-aged person dies, the surviving spouse and children are often considered the most important grievers. The older parent may be shown less concern by the doctor, the clergy, the hospice, family and friends. Yet, many people we have spoken with have said that the pain of the loss of an adult child can be more intense than the loss of a parent or of a spouse. There is such a special bond, the feelings of loss continue for a lifetime. For the older parent the death of a child is potentially compounded by other losses such as widowhood, retirement, poor health, loss of friends, and limited finances.

When a child dies the future looks different. In spite of the loss, hope for the future can build on the richness of the child's life. Bereaved parents may find solace in trying to fulfill some of the legacy of their child - by setting up a memorial honoring the child and spending time caring for the people and things that the child treasured.

Although time will pass and tears will lessen, the child who has died will always be part of the parent and surviving family. The image of the child persists. It is natural to wish the child back while at the same time you accept the death as real. As you mourn the loss, you treasure the meaning of the child's life. The tie with the child remains. Death cannot end a relationship.

Birthdays, holidays and reunions tend to be bitter sweet as the sense of the presence of the child combines with the keen pain of absence. Memories of good times together recall the loss, but also can provide comfort and solace. It is natural for the bereaved parent to have both a strong awareness of letting go of the child and at the same time a strong sense of holding on.

This article originally appeared in the April 2002 issue of Journeys, Hospice Foundation of America's bereavement newsletter

Happy Birthday in Heaven My Child

Hope you won't mind, but today is our son Bobby's birthday - he would have been 37 and he's spending his first year in heaven.. I thought I would share this poem with you that I received... Happy Birthday Bobby and to all the children in heaven - Cherie Houtson..

Happy Birthday in Heaven My Child

~Author:Unknown~

Please help those all around me, to see and understand

That even though my child’s in heaven

The memories of our time together, are always here to stay

You see today is special, after all it’s my child’s birthday

I hope my friends will understand and see how much I care

And better yet can lend an ear, and smile as I share.

I pray they never lose a child or ever know this pain.

I just want them to know, my child’s memories remain

Oh yes today is special, another birthday it should be…

And yes I wish my child was here, but it wasn’t meant to be

I hope the angels sing aloud; I hope my child can see

As we celebrate their life and all their memories…

Love for our child begins so early and never goes away

And I’m grateful for their time on earth, but sad they couldn’t stay

Of course it wasn’t long enough, but how wonderful it was

Their laugh, their smile, but most of all, the gifts they left behind

So I hope that those around, can see beyond my smile

And my Words that, "I'm okay."

And know that yes today is special,

And join along with me

As we celebrate – today – my child’s birthday

Happy Birthday in Heaven My Child…

THE GREATEST GRIEF

~ By: Peggy Gibson TCF…. Nashville, TN


A sudden accident killed your child. That terrible phone call changed your life with no warning-you didn’t get to say goodbye-this has to be the most terrible of all.

Your child died by suicide-you feel you should have been able to prevent it. Your guilt is devastating. How can you live with such an incomprehensible tragedy?

You only had one child-now you have none and your focus in life is gone. What the point of living? What could be more devastating?

You’ve experienced the deaths of more than one of your children-will it happen again? How does one survive this pain again?

When your baby died, your dreams died-you have few memories and you’re too young to be suffering like this-this loss is the most unfair.

Someone murdered your child – an unbelievable violation – you’re angry and your frustration with the legal system feeds your anger. This must be the very worst.

You’re a single parent – your child has died and you have no one to lean on, no one to share your grief – surely your suffering is the most painful.

The unbelievable has happened – your adult child died – you had invested so much in that child – now who’s going to care for you in your old age?

You had to watch your child suffer bravely through a long illness – you were helpless to ease his pain and to prevent his death –how do you erase those horrible images? – Yours must be the greatest grief.

The truth is that the death of any child is the greatest loss, regardless of the cause, regardless of the age.

Our own experience is far more painful than we had ever previously envisioned, so how could we possibly comprehend what others have undergone? To make comparisons between our own suffering and the pain of others is an exercise in futility. It accomplishes nothing and sometimes can be hurtful to others.

To say that one type of death produces a greater or deeper grief than another tends to place different values on the children who have died.

Each and every child is worthy of 100% of our grief, each person’s sorrow is 100%, and each loss is 100% of our being.

I can’t imagine wanting to walk in the shoes of any other bereaved parent, can you?

Dearest family....

~~ Author Unknown

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...

but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.

I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.

Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.

Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.

That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,

God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you."

It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone.

As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.

I need you here badly; you're part of my plan.

There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man.

God gave me a list of things that he wished for me to do.

And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.

And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight.

God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years

because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.

But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.

Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.

But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.

But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.

I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;

but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...

that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,

then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."

And now I am contented....that my life has been worthwhile,

knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,

just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.

When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;

I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free,

remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me

CHOOSING LIFE

~ ~ By Marcia Ali; Reprinted from the BP/USA St. Louis Chapter Newsletter

“It will never be the same. Never.” As a bereaved parent you have often heard or said these words to express grief’s profound feelings of sorrow and disorientation. Your life has suddenly taken an unexpected course and that appears both uncharged and endless. Bewildered you vainly search for pathways back to your former life, until you confront the reality that there is no way back. Your child is dead forever. It is then that you may say, “never the same.”

This is the aspect of the grief that Simon Stephens calls the Valley of the Shadow. It is that very long time between the death of your child and your reinvestment in life. Between. It is not supposed to be a permanent resting place. Although some people do take up residence in the Valley, it is a transition from the death of your child to life with renewed purpose.

The key to this transition is yourself. You must choose between life and the Valley. You and only you can decide. And you must make that decision again and again, each day.

Giving in to the hopelessness of the Valley is tempting. Choosing to move on toward life requires a great deal of work. You must struggle with the pain of grief to resolve it. It is a daily struggle full of tears, anger, guilt, and self-doubt. But it is the only alternative to surrendering yourself to the Valley.

Little by little you choose to move on. Little by little you progress toward the other side of the Valley. It takes a very long time, far longer than your friends or relatives suspected. Far longer than you had believed – even prayed – that it would be. When one day you find yourself able to do more than choose merely to live…but also how to live, you will know you are leaving the Valley of the Shadow. There is more work to do, more struggles and choosing. The Valley, however, stretches behind rather than in front of you.

When you have resolved your grief by reinvesting in life, you will be able to realize that nothing is ever “the same.” Life is change. We would not have it be otherwise, for that is the Valley of the Shadow. Change has the promise of beginning and the excitement of discovery.

LIFE is never the same. Life is change. Choose life!

Troubled Thoughts

Some of you may be enrolled to receive daily inspirational emails from the website: http://www.griefshare.com/


I received this one a while ago and read it often ~ thought you might enjoy it...Cherie H.

You do not need to be constantly burdened by sorrowful thoughts. "Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught" (Psalm 55:1-2).

Author, speaker, and humorist Barbara Johnson lost two of her sons. She shares how God gave her a special memory of one of her sons to replace the bad thoughts that were overwhelming her. She says: "The memory is so special that when I talk about my son and I think about it, God windshield-wipes the pain, and I can enjoy the other memories and think on things that are good and happy and fun and pure. And God, in time, does erase the painful memories. It's so important to think of the fun times."

Ask God for a special memory of your child to replace the negative pictures in your mind. Focus your thoughts on that special memory. Share it with others, and treasure it.
Lord God, remind me of the happy memories, the fun times, and the laughter, and may those memories bring a smile to my face and to others around me

Lord of Heaven

~Author Unknown

Lord of heaven, calm my heart

and help me to remember right now

the precious memories of my child

that I can learn from, grow from,

and treasure in my heart daily.

Amen.

Exceprt from "When the Bough Breaks"

Like many of us I'm sure, I've lost count of the books I've read since my son Bobby's death September 19th, 2009.  Prior to reading this book, I read a review on the book and the review stated:
With great honesty and empathy this book acknowledges that no family ever “recovers” from the tragedy of losing a child, but rather we adapt to a life irretrievably altered” and I agree.
This book has become a personal favorite and I wanted to share one excerpt with you, which I hope reminds you that the changes we continue to feel on this journey from mourning to joy are “normal”… Cherie Houston

We know that our grief will never end. We will mourn for our children every day for the rest of our lives. We will never return to normal. But we will live again. We will be able to enjoy the bittersweet colors of a sunset. We may be productive. Laughter is not out of the question. Life will forever be colored by what has happened. For every parent who loses a child one life ended and another life is indelibly changed.

How To Help Family or Friends who are Grieving:

If someone you know has experienced the death of someone they love – especially their child - here are a few things that can be helpful for you to know about what they might be going through:

A Swirl of Emotions—When someone dies, people often feel many different feelings—sadness, anger, relief, confusion, and many more…. Your friend or family member may feel sad one day and angry the next, or scared and alone and full of guilt one after the other throughout one day, or even sad and relieved at the same time.

They Want To Remember—Talking about the person who died can be comforting—even if they cry as they do it.

Drained of Energy—When a person is grieving, usually their energy level is lower than normal.

They Need Support—It does matter if you go to the funeral home, even if you don’t know what to say—your presence is what means a great deal.

Feelings That Last—The feelings of grief will come and go for your friend for a long time—usually much longer than you expect.

Many Layers of Complexity—Besides missing the person who died, your friend is surrounded by others whom he or she loves and who are grieving too—adding to his or her confusion and sadness.

Remember, what you say or do isn’t as important as just being there for your friend or family member when they have lost someone they love - especially if they lose a child - no matter the age.  Yes - it's difficult, but being there for them can and will make a big difference in how they feel.

• Be There
• Be there to listen if they want to talk about the person who died.
• Be there to sit with them even when they don’t feel like talking.
• Be there to offer a hug when they need it.
• Be there—visit, call, send an e-mail, a text message or a card, invite them somewhere.
• Be there and just be yourself.
• Be There

“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”

 From: The Highmark Caring Foundation - A center for Grieving Children, Adolescents and their families www.highmarkcaringplace.com