WHEN AN ADULT CHILD DIES

~ by Miriam Moss

Who would want to think about the possibility of the death of their adult child? The reality of such a loss turns the world upside-down. Such a death is off time and unfair. Parents, particularly older parents, expect to die before their adult child.

"Adult child" is a strange pair of words. When we think of a child, we tend to think of a very young person who needs care and protection, and who lives under the wing of parents. An adult is expected to be independent, live away from parents and have a family of his or her own. But an adult child, no matter how old, remains a child to the parent. The bond continues throughout adulthood, as both parent and child tend to see the other as important and caring.

The impact of the death of an adult child is profound regardless of how close or strained the relationship, or how far they lived apart, or whether the death was anticipated or sudden. Parents do not want or expect their child to die before they do. But it still happens, maybe to you, to too many middle-aged and older parents. It's been estimated that one in ten parents who are age sixty and over have suffered the loss of one of their children.

When a middle-aged person dies, the surviving spouse and children are often considered the most important grievers. The older parent may be shown less concern by the doctor, the clergy, the hospice, family and friends. Yet, many people we have spoken with have said that the pain of the loss of an adult child can be more intense than the loss of a parent or of a spouse. There is such a special bond, the feelings of loss continue for a lifetime. For the older parent the death of a child is potentially compounded by other losses such as widowhood, retirement, poor health, loss of friends, and limited finances.

When a child dies the future looks different. In spite of the loss, hope for the future can build on the richness of the child's life. Bereaved parents may find solace in trying to fulfill some of the legacy of their child - by setting up a memorial honoring the child and spending time caring for the people and things that the child treasured.

Although time will pass and tears will lessen, the child who has died will always be part of the parent and surviving family. The image of the child persists. It is natural to wish the child back while at the same time you accept the death as real. As you mourn the loss, you treasure the meaning of the child's life. The tie with the child remains. Death cannot end a relationship.

Birthdays, holidays and reunions tend to be bitter sweet as the sense of the presence of the child combines with the keen pain of absence. Memories of good times together recall the loss, but also can provide comfort and solace. It is natural for the bereaved parent to have both a strong awareness of letting go of the child and at the same time a strong sense of holding on.

This article originally appeared in the April 2002 issue of Journeys, Hospice Foundation of America's bereavement newsletter