Oh no - December and the holidays begin...

December 1st is tomorrow and for many of us who have lost a child or children, anticipation for the month of December can be overwhelming...  Just as there is no one way to experience our loss, there is no one way to find our way through the holidays and the December Holidays, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa can be the most difficult holidays. Yes, December can be difficult despite holiday sales, decorations, advertisements -everyone seems so happy and cheerful - but for those grieving, it's easy to feel alone.

You aren't alone, and beginning today we will post thoughts and articles each day during this holiday season. in the hopes of helping each of us find peace and coping mechanisms during this month of holidays,festivities and memories of holidays past when our children were with us...

It's precisely at these happy times that the loss of our loved one can be felt the strongest. We remember only too well who is missing. Whether our loss was recent or whether it occurred many years ago, we are constantly surrounded by sights and sounds that trigger memories of holidays past, and wracked with dreams of what might have been. Holidays involve expectations about getting together with family, about special meals or special gifts, and special traditions. Even when we find a way to cope with everyday life, the holiday season brings a renewed sense of these dreadful feelings of grief.
No matter how much we surround ourselves with the closeness of family and friends, it's impossible to forget the memories of past holidays when our loved ones were here. And impossible not to wonder what the present holidays would be like if our loved ones were still here to enjoy them with us. What can we do?

REALIZE IN ADVANCE THAT THE HOLIDAYS WILL BE DIFFERENT
Yes, there will be feelings of sadness and loss, as well as memories which may be happy, but poignant. mixtures of emotions are often all we have. A path to healing is when we honor our emotions and feelings and give them expression instead of denying they exist...

You decide what's best for you - Even if those around you are not able to drop their expectations that you will be appropriately "cheerful," you can change your expectations for yourself. Refusing an invitation, or accepting one with the up-front agreement that you will be leaving early without public announcement or fanfare (or fuss) is another way to set boundaries for yourself; to give you the time and space to do what feels right for you.

Allow yourself to deal with memories - Without warning, memories of special traditions with our child or loved one can be triggered: their favorite music, ornaments, foods, drinks, activities. Journaling or talking to someone about your memories can help; the sooner you acknowledge them, the sooner the pain will dissipate.
If sadness is present, let yourself cry. If anger is present, write down the angry words. Once expressed, those feelings often dissipate. Put a soft cloth over your face, rest your body on your bed, and start whispering "no, no, no, no...." See what emotions come out. It's an experiment. If it helps dissolve your pain, do it whenever you need, and watch yourself get stronger with time!

Find new traditions, from baking a new type of cookie, to attending an new afternoon matinee, or attending a different church service or function - are all ways for you to accept your loss and make the holiday yours, and not just giving in to the wishes of others. The act of choosing something different is healing and shows that you are claiming power over your situation.

Select a candle in your loved one's favorite color and scent. Place it in a special area of your home and light it at a significant time throughout the holidays, signifying the light of the love that lives on in your heart

Write an “un-sent letter” to your loved one. expressing what you are honestly feeling toward him or her at this moment. Shakespeare once said, “Give sorrow words…” After you compose the letter, you may decide to place it in a book, album or drawer in your home, leave it at a memorial site, throw it away, or even burn it and let the ashes rise symbolically

Decide and announce how you want to celebrate the holidays. This will go a long way to free you from an unnecessary sense of having failed to please those around you and meeting others expectation. This means not only the expectations of the living, but also those often projected on your love one who has died. Well meaning family may even tell you that the one you loved and lost would 'want you to be happy,' do what’s best for you. Joy will return in time, but all you have to do now is acknowledge and accept the feelings you are having – with no apologies.

Anger & Guilt are normal emotions

~ by Judith Rollins, Ph.D.-Department of Family and Human Development, Utah State University

 

The death of a child, at any age or for any reason, is probably the most traumatic event that parents must endure. In this current society, with its medical advances, people expect to die in a predictable sequence. Simply put, parents should die before their children. When some tragic circumstance changes this order, parents are bewildered, not only by the overwhelming grief for the loss of the child, but also by the seeming unfairness of the death.

 

The cause of the child’s death does not seem to affect the amount of grief that parents experience over time. A child’s death following a long illness appears to be just as difficult for parents as a death due to a sudden accident. Also, most parents grieve as intensely for a very young child as they grieve for an older child.

 

For bereaved parents, there is no “standard” grief period. Compared to all other crises, the recovery period following a child’s death appears to take the longest amount of time. It is important for parents to understand that they are not abnormal if they experience periods of sadness and grief for many years afterward. And two of the most common and often lingering emotions may be anger & guilt.

 

Anger - Initially, many parents feel very angry. This anger may occur because the child’s death seems so unfair and parents feel so helpless. The anger may be directed towards oneself, one’s spouse, the medical profession, an outsider, or even God. Parents often look for someone to blame, even each other, so they can “make sense” out of a needless loss. When anger and blame can be openly expressed, they usually give way to the more rational feelings of loss and grief. It is best to acknowledge the anger one feels and try to determine the source of the anger rather than deny the feelings. Repressed anger may resurface later as depression. If talking about angry feelings with one’s spouse is difficult, perhaps a third person, such as a counselor, minister or support group, might help minimize the stress of such an encounter and hopefully direct the negative feelings to their appropriate source.

 

Guilt - Guilt is another emotion that parents often feel. Society expects parents to be able to protect their children, and a child’s death may make the parents feel they have failed in this responsibility. Fathers may wish they had spent more time with the child, or mothers may feel guilty if they were employed outside the home. The child’s every unfulfilled wish may be remembered with guilt. This type of guilt is usually irrational. It is important that parents be able to discuss these guilty feelings as they occur and to understand that the child’s death was unrelated to the events that have caused their guilty feelings.
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There is no question - the death of a child is the most overwhelming grief possible - the loss of a child is unlike any other loss.

• Be patient with yourself - adjusting to life without your child is an ongoing process.
• There will be time when your grief journey seems slower than it should be and that's OK.
• There will be times in the months and years ahead when WHAM!! out of the blue you are overwhelmed again with grief and that's OK.

All of this is normal - the journey of grief is different for each of us..

 

Tears

There is a sacredness in tears.

They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.

They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.

They are messengers of overwhelming grief...

and unspeakable love.

~~Washington Irving

Heeding the Call of Life

~ by Father Arnaldo Pangazzi~

There is a tremendous wisdom that is accumulated in one's encounter with grief, and it needs to be shared. Healing takes place when we turn our pain into a positive experience and we realize that helping others is the key to helping ourselves.  When that happens our problems don't look so big.

We expand on new found strengths and we discover that as one door closed, many others have opened. The road to recovery from grief, therefore, is to take time to do things which will enable us to give meaning to our lives (and the lives of those we are grieving). That's when our journey through grief becomes a journey of discovering ourselves, our potential and our resources in the encounter with life.

That's when we become BETTER people rather than BITTER people. In grief, no one can take away our pain because no one can take away our love. This call to life is to learn to love again.

Thanksgiving Prayer

THANKSGIVING PRAYER

~ Charlotte Irick TCF, Idaho Falls, ID

I'm thankful this Thanksgiving

That my grief is not so new.

Last year it was so painful to

Think of losing you.

Death can't claim my love for you

Tho we are far apart,

Sweet memories will always be

Engraved upon my heart.

Time can never bring you back

But it can help me be

Thankful for the years of joy

You brought our family.

To all the parents with grief so new

I share your loss and sorrow

I pray you find with faith and time

The blessings of each Tomorrow.

Thanksgiving – Our First Big Holiday without our Son

There is a blog that I visit often (www.grievingparent.com) This blog is written by a dad who lost his young 22 year old son Richard on May 25, 2009, just a few months before my own son Bobby died on September 19th. 


Visiting this blog has become a part of my weekly activities and it gives me tremendous comfort.  I think the comfort comes because so much of what Joe Mudd writes, is what I am feeling so that helps me to know it's OK, I'm normal. 


Surprising isn't it, that many around us who fortunately are not part of this "unique group" seem to believe that once the first year of grieving is over, then of course we will be "better"; we will have "moved on", but those of us who are part of this "unique group" - we know too well that this "new normal" is not something we get over, get better from or move beyond. 


Instead I imagine that like Richard's dad, most of us are very grateful & thankful that we had our children, no matter how short their time and yes, this unbearable pain, is worth it all for the time we had them... 


This is the post that Richards dad wrote last year on his blog about his son.. sentiments I think so many of us share - so as you prepare for another Thanksgiving without your beloved children, it is OK to be thankful for all that they gave us and for all that we have now.... Cherie Houston

~~ by Joe Mudd on November 26, 2009, Joe is a dad who writes a blog about his son Richard, who passed away on May 25, 2009 - Joe's blog, which has truly become a favorite of mine, is: www.grievingparent.com  Stop by and visit sometime...

It’s Thanksgiving Day 2009 here in the USA. Time to give thanks to our maker for all the good things he has given us. It has also been six months since our son Richard, who was only 22, died on May 25th of this year.

So you probably think we won’t find anything to be thankful for. After all it’s hard to be thankful for grief, pain and a huge part of our life missing. It takes more work to find it, but yes, there is much to be thankful for.

I’m grateful for my great family and friends. All the love and support they’ve given us has been pulling us through this process. It still hurts, but I can’t image what it would be like without them.

I’m grateful to have my beautiful daughter and the grand-dog home with us for this holiday. She’s a very special young lady.
I give thanks everyday for the wonderful memories. They make us realize how much we’ve lost, but they remind us of what we had. And it was special.

And this one may make you think I’ve gone completely off the deep end. I’m thankful this hurts so very much. No, I don’t enjoy the pain. It’s nearly unbearable. But this pain is so intense because we had so much love and fun with Richard. He was a treat. We had a special relationship his whole life. I wouldn’t change much.

Of course there are some things I’d like to have been able to do. Richard did shot put and discus in high school. Because I work second shift I wasn’t able to be at all those week night contests. I would love to have been there for every one.

And I missed most of his weekend camping trips with his Scout Troop because I had to work most weekends. But those weekend work days made it possible to send him to a great high school. He loved St X, and the teachers and programs helped make Richard into the fine young man he became. So I owe them my gratitude too. And his Scout Leaders led him to Eagle Scout. More to be thankful for. But we still had a lot of fun together. He never became the surly disrespectful person so many teens turn into.

I’m grateful we had our kids. They taught me what love is all about. They made me a totally different – and much improved – person than what I was so many years ago. And Richard was a huge part of that.

So yes, finding reasons for thanks is a hard thing. It takes work.

About a year before Richard’s death, an employee of one of our on-site vendors lost his entire family in an auto accident. His wife and three kids gone. My friend Kathy, who hasn’t had children yet, asked me, “If you knew you would lose them early like that, would it be worth so much pain? Would you still want to have them?” I told her I thought I would, but because I’d never had to face that kind of pain and couldn’t really imagine what it must be like, I didn’t know for sure.

I now live that pain. I know the answer. Yes I’d gladly have him again.

He was worth it.

Lifts to the Heart ~ Preparing for Thanksgiving

~ Elaine Stillwell, Bereaved mother, BP/Rockville Centre, NY

Many of us who are grieving feel that Thanksgiving is a useless and painful holiday because we do not feel very thankful with our terribly hurting hearts.  Maybe we could prepare our hearts for Thanksgiving by peeking into them to find at least one and maybe even more blessings that we could count at this special time of the year.

After I lost my two oldest children, 19 year old Peggy and 21 year old Denis, in the same car accident, I learned that the tiniest thing that could ease my heart’s burden was indeed a blessing! Discovering these “lifts to the heart” may help you prepare your heart for Thanksgiving. Sometimes amid all the pain, we forget what we could be grateful for.

Take an “inventory” of your heart. Perhaps you could be thankful for:


THE STRENGTH TO GET UP EACH DAY ~ even if it is not fun. Grieving takes 10 times the energy to get through a day.  Exhaustion can be one of the hardest parts of grieving.


THE LOVE OF ONE SPECIAL PERSON ~ whether it be spouse, child or friend giving us encouragement and support. I call my husband “my blotter” because he picks up all my tears and says, “It’s okay.”


SOMEONE NEEDING OUR LOVE ~ a person giving us reason to live, to nurture, to plan for, to hug.


A SPECIAL HOBBY OR INTEREST ~ an activity that consumes our time and keeps our mind busy. It could be reading “grief” books to survive, writing our thoughts in a journal, making crafts, playing the piano, listening to music, planting a garden, walking along the beach.


A JOB ~ that keeps our attention and makes hours, days, weeks, and month pass by quickly.


PICTURES ~ that make special moments treasures and keep our happy memories very much alive.


THE YEARS ~ we had with our loved one.


SOMEONE REACHING OUT TO US ~ in a special way. It could be a new friend, a fellow employee, a support group.


MUSIC OR POETRY ~ that soothes our soul.


A PET ~ that makes us laugh, listens to our troubles and never tells anybody, who allows us to cry and needs us. I could never “repay” my 15 year old Labrador retriever for his untiring devotion!


CLERGY AND DOCTORS ~ who try to help heal us.


A LINKING OBJECT ~ something that belonged to our loved one and brings joy to our hearts, such as a ring, bracelet, watch, jacket, book, golf clubs, garden.


FAVORITE RECIPES ~ of our loved one that brings smiles to our faces. It’s French Toast for my Denis and Angel Food Cake for my Peggy!


THOUGHTFUL RELATIVES AND FRIENDS ~ who have tried to understand our needs and not frustrated us with a “time and schedule.”


TRADITIONS OR RITUALS ~ that bring a moment’s peace to our hearts. Going to the beach, watching a football game, lighting a candle, hanging a Christmas stocking, coloring Easter eggs, attending church services, whatever touches your heart.


NATURE ~ a pretty flower, a sunset, a gorgeous mountain or ocean view- to stir the love of beauty in our hearts.


CARDS ~ with just the right message-to let us know someone cares about us or remembers our loved one in a special way.


THE PHONE ~ to heal us when we’re feeling low and need to talk to someone else.


BOOKS ~ to bring a soothing message to our weary hearts and to give us a “thought” to carry us for the moment.


PRAYER ~ to our loved one or to our God or both to send us strength to keep us going through the “Valley of the Shadow.” Talking to our loved one helps our hearts. Including them in our plans makes them a part of the occasion. I always put Peggy and Denis “in charge” of the weather for our special events like weddings and parties. They do such a good job that friends ask for their help too. In addition to the weather, Peggy and Denis are great at finding parking places.


TIME ~ that gives back to us what we lose through wisdom and memories.


May your Thanksgiving be filled with reasons to be thankful! Having loved and having been loved is perhaps the most wonderful reason of all.

Yes-Thanksgiving is coming

Well, I guess there's no more putting it off ~ Thanksgiving is coming, whether we want it or not.

I'm sure you're beginning to hear plans being made around the office, or wherever, about who's going where, cooking what, bringing what, what was done last year and on and on and on…. Well, alright, already--just do it!

Do they have to talk about it so much? That's pretty much how I felt the first and second year, but I'm beginning to feel good about the holidays again. For all the newly bereaved, believe me, it does get easier to handle.

So I sit here thinking about all of us and how we're all going to handle it, each a little differently, I'm sure.

I pray that all of you find the love in your heart and peace of mind, if only for a moment, to be thankful for the children we so dearly miss, but were fortunate enough to have had touch our lives--if only for a moment. Love and Peace

~ Julie Parr, TCF, Cincinnati

A Place Where Children Are

A Place Where Children Are

~ Auhtor Unknown

What kind of place would heaven be

with all its streets of gold,

if all the souls, that dwell up there

like yours and mine, were old?

How strange would heaven's music sound

when harps begin to ring,

if children were not gathered 'round

to help the angels sing.

The children that God sends to us

are only just a loan,

He knows we need their sunshine

to make the house a home.

We need the inspiration

of a baby's blessed smile.

He doesn't say they've come to stay,

just lends them for a while.

Sometimes it takes them years to do

the work for which they come.

Sometimes in just a month or two

our Father calls them home.

I like to think some souls up there

bear not one sinful scar.

I love to think of heaven

as a place where children are.

A FORGIVING THANKSGIVING

For the last few months I've been trying to think of what I would say about Thanksgiving this year.  Yes, Thanksgiving is just a little more than a week away.  As we begin to prepare for a holiday without our beloved child, for some it will be our first Thanksgiving and for others it will be our second, fifth or thirtieth - the number of years doesn't matter.  Yes the holidays are difficult, but remember, the anticipation is usually more difficult than the day itself..  For our family, it will be our second without our son Bobby..

When I found this article, written in 2006 by a dad who is a member of the Bereaved Parents group in Northern Texas, I thought it's perfect to help me and maybe others who might not understand why others around us can't feel our pain.  I hope it helps you, as it has me, to gain some insight about forgiving those around us who may not understand our heartbreak and sadness, may they never know this hurt.  So as we all we all prepare for this holiday season, remember to forgive & find peace as we remember and offer thanks for our beloved children and all the joy they gave us..  Cherie Houston

~ Jim Hobbs, BP/USA of Northern Texas from “Where Are All The Butterflies?

Thanksgiving was always an easy holiday. Unlike Christmas, there was no pressure of giving just the right gift! Thanksgiving Day brought family gatherings and good food. Late on those afternoons, we would return home full from over-eating and satisfied that our family relationships were intact. It was also a day that reminded us of everything for which we were thankful. We are supposed to be thankful for our health, our families, our comfortable life, etc.

The death of a child changes our perceptions, however. When the family now gathers around the Thanksgiving table, I now see a missing plate that no one else sees. When our nieces and nephews are laughing or crying, I hear a voice that no one else hears. When a family member recounts a story about something his or her child did last week, I wish for a story to tell. (Of course, when I say no one else, I exclude my wife and daughter. I’m sure that they see, hear and wish what I do, although probably at different times. We still have much to be thankful for, we bereaved parents, and we should remember that.

But now Thanksgiving Day has an additional observance for us too, doesn’t it? It is a day of forgiveness also. We must forgive others who cannot and do not acknowledge our missing child, for whatever reasons. If family and friends cannot understand us, then we must exhibit tolerance, forgiveness and understanding. On a day on which we offer thanks, we can and will climb another step on our ladder to recovery. I hope you have a forgiving Thanksgiving.

THE HARVEST OF YOUR GRIEF WORK

~ Margaret Gerner - Bereaved Mother – BP/St. Louis, MO

“It isn’t right! I go a month sometimes and don’t cry. I actually get involved in something and don’t think about my daughter for hours. I had fun at the company picnic last week.”  “I feel so guilty. Am I forgetting my daughter?”

This mother was two years into her grief. She was doing good grief work.  She was leaning into the pain, talking out feelings, expressing emotions and attending Bereaved Parent’s meetings regularly.  But she was hurting less.

When parents begin to reap the harvest of their grief work well done, they fear they are losing their children.  The truth is they are just reaping the harvest of their grief work done well.

In the first couple of years, pain ties us to our children. During that time we equate pain with love. By the time we are beginning to resolve our grief (and that is what is happening), pain has been our companion for so long we feel lost without it.  This is one of the few places in grief where our mind needs to take over for awhile.

We need to look at the illogic of prolonged grieving. We need to see that we are beginning to reach the goal we hoped some day to reach.  Self talk can help us rid ourselves of this illogical emotion. Ask yourself: 

• If you believe to keep your child in your heart for the rest of your life, you must hang onto the pain.
• Will your prolonged misery make your child less dead?
• Does the fact that your child is dead mean that you must die also?
• Does your prolonged misery accomplish anything? What purpose does it serve?
• Will hanging onto your pain make you grow and change, or will it make you unhappy and bitter?
• What effect will or does your prolonged grief have on your marriage and/or surviving children?
• Do you really want to stay in the pit indefinitely?
• Will your continuing grief honor your child? 

These questions can help you see that beginning grief resolution is as healthy and normal after a couple of years, as allowing yourself to enter fully into your grief in the early months after your child has died.  Rethink your reactions.

Let yourself get to the other side of your grief.
Let yourself appreciate the peace and comfort that is beginning to be yours.
Most importantly, let yourself feel the joy of remembering your child without the deep searing pain you have felt for so long.

GIVING THANKS

Just twelve days until Thanksgiving and we're wondering what we can be grateful for, especially for those of us who've recently eperienced the death of our child or children...  But listen softly, with your heart not your ears, and they will remind us just how much we have to be thankful for...

 This was sent to me last year shortly after my 36 year old son, Bobby, died Sept. 19, 2009..  It was writen by Sascha Wanger, herself a bereaved mother, but a very special part of the TCF family for many years... Sascha passed away Dec. 2004 and left many wonderful poems such as this one to remind us all how much our children, are and will always be, with us...Cherie Houston

GIVING THANKS
 ~ by Sascha Wanger

I cannot hold your hands today,

I cannot see your smile.

I cannot hear your voices now,

my children, who are gone.

But I recall your faces still,

the songs, the talks, the sighs.

And story times and winter walks,

and sharing secret things.

I know you helped my mind to live

beyond your time with me.

You gave me clearer eyes to see,

you gave me finer ears to hear,

What living means, what dying means,

my children, who are gone.

So here it is Thanksgiving Day,

and you are not with me.

And while I weep a mother's tears,

I thank you for the gifts you were,

and all the gifts you gave to me,

my children, who are gone.

Sascha Wagner

TCF/a bereaved mom herself who died Dec. 2004

For the Newly Bereaved

In the early minutes, days, weeks, months and even years of grief, we find ourselves in an all consuming grief and pain beyond description. We find it difficult to carry on our everyday lives or to think of little except our children's death. Even our once wonderfully happy memories, shared with our children while they lived, now bring us pain for a time.

Bereaved parents do not "get over" the death of our children nor "snap out of it" as the outside world seems to think we can and should. The death of our children is not an illness or a disease from which we recover. It is a life altering change with which we must learn to live.

With the death of our children we are forced to do the "impossible"; build a new life and discover a "new normal" for ourselves and our families in a world that no longer includes our beloved children. It is important for newly bereaved parents to know that they will experience a wide and often frightening variety of intense feelings after the death of our children.

It is also important for newly bereaved parents to understand and know that all of the feelings you experience are very natural and normal under the circumstances. Equally important for you to know and believe is that as much as you cannot possibly believe it, you will not always feel this powerful and all consuming grief.

But right now you must follow the instincts of your soul and allow your bodies and hearts to grieve. The grief resulting from your child's death cannot be skirted over, around or under. You must go through it in order to come out on the other side.

Be gentle and patient with yourself and your family. Allow yourself to cry, to grieve, and to retell your children's story as often as needed and for as long as you need to.

Eventually, you will smile and find joy again. You will never forget your child; he or she will be with you in your heart and memories for as long as you live.

Special thanks to our soldier children...

On this special day, November 11th, intended to honor our veterans, I wanted to find just the right words of thanks for those children and for our moms who raised those beautiful children, children who choose to defend us and gave the ultimate sacrifice: their committment to defend our country, our freedom and our ability to decide what it is we believe in...

The moment those children (adults, men & women, some young, some not so young, but to a mom no matter what their age they are always our children); made the commitment to join the armed forces, their lives and their families lives changed forever.

Some, sadly, were not meant to come home alive. The how’s of why they died while in the armed forces isn’t important ~ they were soldiers and died as soldier; they were a parent’s child and died a parent’s child that is all that matters. For their sacrifice to agree to serve our country and protect our freedom, we are and will always be eternally grateful. We assure them and their parents, that they will not be forgotten – sleep peacefully our beloved soldier children and know we will be forever grateful that you were here and for all that you did ..Cherie Houston

I couldn’t find just the right words, but thought this note written this year on “Independce Day” speaks volumes to our soldier children’s memories…

~ July 4, 2010 ~ Eileen Marie Hines: To All Our Soldiers and their families

I am very humbled and grateful to be able to speak out concerning so many of our children that have died for us and their country. I know many people who's names would never fit in a large book, through my life, that spoke of soldier's, men and women alike that were just your average next door neighbor that loved and believed we live in the best country in the world!

My husband and I have raised our children to respect, and honor those that are serving in any capacity for freedom and helping other folk less fortunate than our people are here in the United States.

There is something mentioned somewhere that when one human being suffers, we are all touched by their suffering. This applies as well to our fallen comrades. We are so very, very, proud of them and their families for having given the ultimate sacrifice. We also know that it was not in vain. What we don't understand now, will become clear to us later.

The Commander-in-Chief, (GOD) has them safely with HIM for the present. We will get to see them later. I'm sure the medals HE will be passing out are far more wonderful. I know several, personally that have passed on to HIM. I miss them, but they made a difference for a lot of folk. Thank you- You will never be forgotten, just like those that are serving our country now will not be forgotten.
Sincerely, Eileen Hines

The Young Dead Soldiers Do Not Speak...

Tomorrow is Veteran's Day - please join me in saying thank you to all our veterans, young and old... And if you now the mom of a soldier - thank her for her beloved child who made an incredible committment to help protect us, our country and our freedom..

The Young Dead Soldiers Do Not Speak

~ by Archibald MacLeish, 1892-1982, American Poet

The young dead soldiers do not speak.

Nevertheless, they are heard

in the still houses: who has not heard them?

They have a silence that speaks for them at night

and when the clock counts.

They say: We were young.

We have died.

Remember us.

They say: We have done what we could

but until it is finished

it is not done.

They say: We have given our lives

but until it is finished

no one can know what our lives gave.

They say: Our deaths are not ours:

they are yours,

they will mean what you make them.

They say: Whether our lives and our deaths were for

peace and a new hope or for nothing

We cannot say, it is you who must say this.

We leave you our deaths.

Give them their meaning.

We were young, they say.

We have died; remember us.

The Holidays Are Coming....

~ By Mary Cleckley, BP/USA Member

It’s getting to be that time of year. The holidays are almost upon us, as though you haven’t noticed!

Those of you who are approaching your first Thanksgiving, Christmas or Hanukkah without your child are probably already anticipating them without glee and possible panic. Know that you are normal.

All of us who have gone through those first of many holidays without our children understand how you feel. I don’t know of any way to avoid that apprehension. It is part of the experience of losing someone you love. I can tell you that the fear of the unknown is one of the worst fears there is. Once you have gone through those special family-oriented times without your child or children, it is an unknown no longer.

In the future, though you may not enjoy them in the same way you once did, at least you know how it feels.  You will be able eventually to help yourself and your family discover ways of approaching and observing these days so that they are less traumatic.

I found I got in the worst trouble when I allowed myself to get so far into the future. Worry about this day because this is the only day you have to get through right now., Though you may not think so now, you will once again find something for which to be thankful. It takes time. Be patient.  We hope you will find some peace in the weeks ahead.

Our Lady of the Lake-Mass for Those Who Have Lost a Child

For those moms in Lake Havasu City, Arizona - please remember that tonight at Our Lady of the Lake Catholic Church - 1975 Daytona Drive, Lake Havasu City - they will hold their annual:

" Mass For Those Who Have Lost A Child"

it is this evening, Monday, November 8th at 7pm.

All parents and grandparents who have lost a child are invited to attend.  A reception for parents and all who attend will be held after Mass in the St Thomas More Room.

For more information:

• Call Our Lady of the Lake Catholic Church 855-2685
• Speak or visit  Deacon Gilbert Lopez who handles the Bereavement Ministry
• Click on the link below to visit their website and check the "weekly bulletin"

  www.ourladylhc.net

Parent & Child - Unique & Special Relationships

There is no relationship like that of parent and child. It is unique and special...

The bond between parent and child is so powerful that its strength endures time, distance, and strife. No loss is as significant as the loss of a child...On the death of a child, a parent feels less than whole. ~ ARNOLD AND GEMMA 1994, 25-27

When a child dies, the sense of absolute emptiness, the lack of wholeness, and the feeling of diminishment after the death of a child are felt by all parents, regardless of marital status; age; language; financial or social circumstances; biological relation to the child; or cultural, racial, or religious background.

Despite the differences among parents, their responses and needs, all have one major need in common-their grief is intense and must be acknowledged.

Yes, you will always grieve to some extent for your child who has died. You will always remember your “baby” - whether an infant or adult child, because no matter their age from the time a pregnancy begins, or circumstance of their death, as parents we all wish beyond wishes that we could smell their smell or hold them in your arms. But as time goes on, this wishing will no longer deplete you of the will to live your own life.  ~ HORCHLER AND MORRIS 1994, 158

CLOCKS CHANGE - 2AM Sunday morning, Nov. 7th, 2010

Before you call family elsewhere in the country tomorrow, Sunday November 7th, remember the time difference between them and those of us here in Arizona will probably be different than it is today...

This weekend on Sunday morning, November 7TH at 2am, Daylight Savings Time will end and most states in the US will revert back to Standard Time - so before they go to bed Saturday evening, they will set their clocks, watches and other time pieces BACK 1 HOUR.

They will then move them ahead to begin Daylight Savings Time "1 hour" at 2am on the second Sunday in March, March 13th 2011.. Most computers and cable boxes will make this change automatically without our help..

Several states, including most of us here in Arizona (except some Indian Reservations), Hawaii, Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and American Samoa have chosen not to observe Daylight Saving Time so they do not change their clocks at anytime during the year.

Parental Grief is Nameless & Boundless

It is said that a wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan.

But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is!

It is frequently said that the grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief known.

When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. Bereaved parents indeed do feel that the death of their child is "the ultimate deprivation" (Arnold and Gemma 1994, 40). The grief caused by their child's death is not only painful but profoundly disorienting-children are not supposed to die.

Parents, whose children have died, are forced to confront an extremely painful and stressful paradox; they are faced with a situation in which they must deal both with the grief caused by their child's death and with their inherent need to continue to live their own lives as fully as possible. Thus, bereaved parents must deal with the contradictory burden of wanting to be free of this overwhelming pain and yet needing it as a reminder of the child who died.


Bereaved parents continue to be parents of the child who died. They will always feel the empty place in their hearts caused by the child's death; they were, and always will be, the loving father and mother of that child. Yet, these parents have to accept that they will never be able to live their lives with or share their love openly with the child.

So, bereaved parents must find ways to hold on to the memories. Many bereaved parents come to learn that "memories are the precious gifts of the heart...[that they need] these memories and whispers, to help create a sense of inner peace, a closeness" (Wisconsin Perspectives Newsletter, Spring 1989, 1).


Yes - parental grief ~ like parental love ~ is boundless. It touches every aspect of a parent's being...

Yes, when our children die, we as parents will grieve for the rest of our lives. Our grief becomes part of us - the new us..As time passes, parents come to appreciate that our grief is our link to our child, our grief keeps us connected to the child.

Yes it is true, Children are not supposed to die, but we know hat they do...  We, the parents, expect to see our children grow, mature and live long and happy lives..

Yes it is true, ultimately, all parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should.

But yes we also know, that the loss of a child, our child, is the loss of innocence, and sometimes the death of the most vulnerable and dependent.

Yes, it is true, the death of our child, signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection.  We, the parents are expected to an must continue on, to live our lives to the fullest; to give meaning to their lives and their legacies and to insure that throught our memories, that they are not forgotten...

Adapting to the loss of a loved one

~ by Wendy Bridger

Have you ever sat down and played a piano where one of the keys wasn't working? Or made cookies and left out an ingredient? Perhaps you've started listening to a favorite CD, and just when it gets to your favorite part of your favorite song, you realize that there is a scratch in it.

In some ways, losing a loved one is similar. Here you are going easily through life, and then, BAM, they are gone and life will never be the same. That piano piece sounds different because the middle C is broken, the cookies just aren't the same, and at times, we are frustrated like we are when our CD gets scratched. Unfortunately, with the loss of a loved one, it is more difficult to fix than the piano or the batch of cookies, and your loved one was irreplaceable, unlike the CD. Short and simple, this is what grieving is: learning to cope with the loss of someone who was apart of what made us what we are. So, what do we do? How do we go on after they are gone? I have a few suggestions that might help you through.

First of all, just as each of us has different personalities, each of us grieves in a different way. There is no right or wrong way to feel or act, as long as you are not endangering yourself or others. Some of us cry. Others of us bury ourselves in work or hobbies. If the person is still living and only the relationship has changed, it is very easy for us to do all we can to change things back to how they used to be. At times, it may take a while to truly even admit that they are gone. We just might feel numb. Some of us might even feel guilty if we don't feel sad enough! So, take your feelings and actions for what they are and be patient with yourself. After all, you have just lost a part of what makes you who you are.

Also, find a way to transition your loved one into your new life¹. My father in law lost his dad last year and he hung a picture of him up in the living room to remember him. Others write goodbye letters to their loved one, giving themselves a chance to tell them things that they never got to say. Some of us keep a little box full of pictures and memories only to be taken out when we want to remember them, because remembering them all the time would be too overwhelming. I had a friend who's little brother died. She got married on his birthday as a way to include him at her wedding. Once again, it depends on you and your relationship with the one you loved. For instance, burning every picture you had of an ex-boyfriend might be the perfect way to transition.

Another thing, you don't ever "get over it." Your loved one is gone. If you no longer have an ingredient to make cookies, it's easy to realize that replacing it with a different ingredient would not make the cookies start tasting like they used to. To expect that you will be able to replace your loved one is also unrealistic. This reality may sound even more depressing. Frankly, I love chocolate chip cookies, and the idea of not ever having one again is quite upsetting! But in time, if I had to, I could grow to love other sweets, like banana bread, sweet potato pie, or brownies. So, even if you aren't going to get over it, and you won't, but in time, you will adapt to the loss and find fulfillment through other experiences and relationships.

So, be patient with yourself. Losing someone isn't easy. It turns your life upside down. Naturally, it's going to take a while to pick up the pieces and transition to life without your loved one.

Remember, Beethoven composed some beautiful music after losing his hearing, and you will find happiness and fulfillment again in your life after losing your loved one.

¹Wordern, J.W. (1991). Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A guidebook for the Mental Health Practitioner. Springer Publishing

Announcement: National Survivors of Suicide Day & Heartbeat

For those of you who have lost a child by suicide, we want to be sure you are aware of HEARTBEAT, a support group that meets the first and third Tuesday evening of every month... In addition to these meetings, they have a special event coming up on Saturday, November 20th, which is the 12th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day, which will be held at Cavalry Baptist Church... and as always, if you know of other parents who might find these helpful, please be sure to pass this along to them...

HEARTBEAT/LAKE HAVASU CITY
Meets: LHC Community Center, Room 152
100 Park Ave., LHC
First and third Tuesdays, 7 – 9pm ~ October - May

For more information about the bi-monthly meetings or the upcoming 12th Annual National Survivors of Suicide Day, Call:
Judy or Dan at (928) 854-0113 OR (928) 208-0129 or
email them at jdhoppes@frontiernet.net

12th ANNUAL NATIONAL SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE DAY
November 20, 2010
10:30am-3pm (Lunch provided)
Presented By: Heartbeat of Lake Havasu
Location: Calvary Baptist Church 1605 McCulloch Blvd S Lake Havasu City, AZ 86406
Fee: None (Donations accepted)
A Memory Board will be available if you would like to bring a picture of your loved one. Please include name, birthdate and date of loss. The picture will be returned to you at the end of the day.

NATIONAL SURVIVORS OF SUICIDE DAY

Every person who dies by suicide leaves behind survivors—loved ones left shocked, grieving and struggling to understand and cope with their heartbreaking loss. Many survivors feel isolated and alone, wondering if anyone understands their pain.

In 1999, United States Senator Harry Reid, a survivor of his own father’s suicide, brought the challenge of coping with suicide loss into the national spotlight by introducing Senate Resolution 99, which declared the Saturday before Thanksgiving “National Survivors of Suicide Day.”
Each year on National Survivors of Suicide Day, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) reaches out to survivors through local survivor conferences held simultaneously in communities throughout the world, which are all linked by a live broadcast. This unique network of healing conferences connects survivors within their own communities and across the globe. For many, National Survivors of Suicide Day is the first time they’ve ever met anyone else who has lost someone to suicide.

The broadcast includes a blend of emotional support and information about resources for healing. “Veteran” survivors and mental health professionals address the questions that so many survivors face: Why did this happen? How do I cope? Where can I find support? Since many survivors also find it helpful to understand something about the science of suicide prevention and bereavement, the program also includes a brief presentation of research highlights by mental health professionals.

HEARTBEAT is a member of the following (websites listed):
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, A national research organization,
http://www.afsp.org/

The American Association of Suicidology, A national organization dedicated to the study and reduction of human self-destruction. http://www.suicidology.org/

and

Suicide Prevention Action Network http://www.spanusa.org/

Remember Me...

Remember Me...

~ Author Unknown

To the living, I am gone,
To the sorrowful, I will never return,
To the angry, I was cheated,
But to the happy, I am at peace,
And to the faithful, I have never left.

I cannot speak,

but I can listen.

I cannot be seen,

but I can be heard.

So as you stand upon a shore

gazing at a beautiful sea--
As you look upon a flower

and admire it's simplicity--
Remember Me.

Remember me in your heart.
Your thoughts, and your memories,
Of the times we loved,
The times we cried,
The times we fought,
The times we laughed.

For if you always think of me,
I will never have gone.