December 1st is tomorrow and for many of us who have lost a child or children, anticipation for the month of December can be overwhelming... Just as there is no one way to experience our loss, there is no one way to find our way through the holidays and the December Holidays, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa can be the most difficult holidays. Yes, December can be difficult despite holiday sales, decorations, advertisements -everyone seems so happy and cheerful - but for those grieving, it's easy to feel alone.
You aren't alone, and beginning today we will post thoughts and articles each day during this holiday season. in the hopes of helping each of us find peace and coping mechanisms during this month of holidays,festivities and memories of holidays past when our children were with us...
It's precisely at these happy times that the loss of our loved one can be felt the strongest. We remember only too well who is missing. Whether our loss was recent or whether it occurred many years ago, we are constantly surrounded by sights and sounds that trigger memories of holidays past, and wracked with dreams of what might have been. Holidays involve expectations about getting together with family, about special meals or special gifts, and special traditions. Even when we find a way to cope with everyday life, the holiday season brings a renewed sense of these dreadful feelings of grief.
No matter how much we surround ourselves with the closeness of family and friends, it's impossible to forget the memories of past holidays when our loved ones were here. And impossible not to wonder what the present holidays would be like if our loved ones were still here to enjoy them with us. What can we do?
REALIZE IN ADVANCE THAT THE HOLIDAYS WILL BE DIFFERENT
Yes, there will be feelings of sadness and loss, as well as memories which may be happy, but poignant. mixtures of emotions are often all we have. A path to healing is when we honor our emotions and feelings and give them expression instead of denying they exist...
You decide what's best for you - Even if those around you are not able to drop their expectations that you will be appropriately "cheerful," you can change your expectations for yourself. Refusing an invitation, or accepting one with the up-front agreement that you will be leaving early without public announcement or fanfare (or fuss) is another way to set boundaries for yourself; to give you the time and space to do what feels right for you.
Allow yourself to deal with memories - Without warning, memories of special traditions with our child or loved one can be triggered: their favorite music, ornaments, foods, drinks, activities. Journaling or talking to someone about your memories can help; the sooner you acknowledge them, the sooner the pain will dissipate.
If sadness is present, let yourself cry. If anger is present, write down the angry words. Once expressed, those feelings often dissipate. Put a soft cloth over your face, rest your body on your bed, and start whispering "no, no, no, no...." See what emotions come out. It's an experiment. If it helps dissolve your pain, do it whenever you need, and watch yourself get stronger with time!
Find new traditions, from baking a new type of cookie, to attending an new afternoon matinee, or attending a different church service or function - are all ways for you to accept your loss and make the holiday yours, and not just giving in to the wishes of others. The act of choosing something different is healing and shows that you are claiming power over your situation.
Select a candle in your loved one's favorite color and scent. Place it in a special area of your home and light it at a significant time throughout the holidays, signifying the light of the love that lives on in your heart
Write an “un-sent letter” to your loved one. expressing what you are honestly feeling toward him or her at this moment. Shakespeare once said, “Give sorrow words…” After you compose the letter, you may decide to place it in a book, album or drawer in your home, leave it at a memorial site, throw it away, or even burn it and let the ashes rise symbolically
Decide and announce how you want to celebrate the holidays. This will go a long way to free you from an unnecessary sense of having failed to please those around you and meeting others expectation. This means not only the expectations of the living, but also those often projected on your love one who has died. Well meaning family may even tell you that the one you loved and lost would 'want you to be happy,' do what’s best for you. Joy will return in time, but all you have to do now is acknowledge and accept the feelings you are having – with no apologies.
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