Monday, March 7, 2011

The bonds that never end……

~ by Cherie Houston

To me and for many of us who unwillingly have joined this club of moms whose children have died, the bonds that we had with our children who have died, often seem as strong as they were when they were alive.  Yes the bonds are now different, but the fact that the bonds are still there seems as natural as our love for each of them..  

Believe it or not, for those of us who have lost a child, the relationship we had with them continues on long after their deaths, just differently than when they were alive ~ whether for that unborn child and all the hopes & dreams they carried with them, for those of us with adult children and all those little ones in between...  Yes-the bonds are still there...

It certainly surprises me sometimes, how often I find myself talking to my children, especially to my son who was addicted to the telephone from the time he was a little boy..  Part of it is habit I suppose ~ he called more often than any of our children so maybe that's why the conversations continue-although one sided now...  But like so many moms I talk to, there seems to be a certain peace when we talk to our children who are gone, and yes some of us talk to our children more often than others.  And we often find ourselves including special memories of them during conversations about our other children or life in general; and many of us continue to celebrate days that were special to them, such as their birthdays….  

For most of us, we seem to find that those bonds, however expressed, are quite melancholy and can bring on a wide range of emotions, including warmth and comfort and in just moments, sadness and heartache… Amazing how even months and years later, a day can be filled with many memories that generate various emotions that can cause smiles and tears…  Bonds with our children begin when they are conceived and most of us agree that nothing, including death-unless our own, can break those bonds…And for that I’m grateful…

During meetings of other moms who’ve lost children, it’s not surprising to hear:

“My alone time in the car is when I talk to him most often and I can actually feel his presence”…

“She seems to be all around – it’s a sense that I have – I can’t explain it, but it’s as though she’s beside me nudging me on and encouraging me to smile…”

“I carry her license in my wallet. Whenever I need strength I hold it and it gives me the strength and motivation to go on”.

“I gave away most of her things, but I’ve kept a few of her favorite toys so I can hold them and remember her playing with them, especially her little yellow car….”

“I go back to the hospital often to volunteer – it gives me a sense of peace to know that it really happened ~ that he was really here with us and it’s not all just a dream”

“On his anniversary we went to the very spot where he died – I’m not sure why, and I’m not even sure it helped – but it was something we had to do – and for a moment I felt a sense of relief and peace that I can’t explain – just for a moment… 

"She is still the first person I speak to when I close my eyes at night and often the first person I think of in the morning, which gives me the strength to go on..."

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