Moving on after losing a child - A "New Normal"

It seems to me that I have posted this article in the past, but personally it's an article that I read often.. Yes, March 19th will mark 18 months since our 36 year old son Bobby died, and March 17th will mark 40 years since my first daughter, my beautiful infant daughter, Randee Marie, died.. Sometimes it's hard to believe that 3 of my 5 children have died, but they have and there are moments when each of their deaths feels as though it was just yesterday... Personally, I think we are continually facing and recreating our "new normal" as the author of this following article so eloquently puts it... Despite my sadness, I also want to talk about all the joy in my life - today is special, because today, March 16th, our family is celebrating Randee's twin - our son Ric's "40th birthday"; tomorrow March 17th-the 40th anniv. of Randee's passing-we will celebrate her namesakes 8th birthday-Ric's daughter - our granddaughter Randee Marie; and in a few days, we will celebrate our new grandson Liam Roberts 2nd month birthday on March 19th - so life is very good today and yes we have our new normal and it is better than I could have believed it would be - we are learning to appreciate what we have in our "new normal".. Enjoy-Cherie Houston

~ By Cathy Babao Guballa (10/29/2000 Issue © 2000 Philippine Daily Inquirer)

LOSING a child has been described as the worst kind of loss anyone could possibly go through, a searing and unspeakable pain. The emotions that accompany a loss of this magnitude is much like plumbing the depths of an abyss, not knowing if one will ever be able to climb out of it one day, unscathed and whole. When a child dies, a part of the self is cut off and many bereaved parents like to use the metaphor of an amputated limb.

I once read an account of a father who had lost his only son and his words were poignant. "For the amputee, the raw bleeding stump heals and the physical pain does not go away. But he lives with the pain in his heart knowing his limb will not grow back. He has to learn to live without it. He rebuilds his life around his loss. We bereaved parents must do the same."

A "New Normal": The first year after a child's death is the most difficult. In any loss, the first "everything" is always tough. Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays are guaranteed to trigger a deluge of pain and tears.

It's been two and a half years since my son died and yet the ache remains. Like amputation, parental bereavement is a permanent condition. The hopes, dreams and aspirations you had for the child now gone is lost forever.

The pain, though, subsides with the passage of time in a way. The adage "Time heals" has somehow proven true, though when my mother, who had been widowed for close to two decades, first told me about it, I was incredulous and refused to believe that it was even a possibility.

Two years down the road, when I meet friends whom I haven't seen since Migi's death, the first question that invariably crops up is "Have you recovered?" My response to that query is usually a knowing smile, quietly thinking to myself, Does anyone ever really recover from the loss of a child, or a loved one for that matter? Perhaps "recover" is not quite the correct term. I'd like to think that "moving on" is more like it. Bereaved parents eventually find resolution to their grief in the sense that they learn to live in their new world.

Dennis Klass, professor of bereavement studies at Webster University in St. Louis, Missouri, says, "Parents who have lost a child 're-solve' the matters of how to be themselves in a family and community in a way that makes life meaningful. They learn to grow in those parts of themselves that did not die with the child. They learn to invest themselves in other tasks and other relationships. But somewhere inside themselves, they report, there is a sense of loss that cannot be healed."

From my own experience, I have learned to make the loss of my son a part of my life, and to try to forge a new meaning out of it. In the first year after he died, I would often ask myself, "What is the meaning to the loss?" I would crack my brains trying to make sense of his death. I had to find a reason, a meaning to it, or else I felt his death would have been in vain.

After a loss, be it a child, a parent or a sibling, life can no longer return to normal. Instead, in its place, a "new normal" is established. This is what I have found most helpful in my grief work these last couple of years: finding that new meaning and building a new life around the loss has helped me tremendously in moving on after his death.

For many of us, it is very difficult to let go of the pain because we sometimes equate letting go with forgetting. However, I've learned that healing, or letting go of the pain, does not mean forgetting because moving on with life does not necessarily mean that we don't take a part of our lost love with us.