In the acute raw state of our grief, please.....

~ by Cherie Houston

The death of our friends son Keith last week reminded me of how much we all need to be "aware" of how gently a grieving parent needs to be handled.. While listening to those around us at Keith's service - they certainly meant well, but their comments of "time will heal" - "she is young/meaning his wife of 16 years" - thank god his parents still have Kevin/their 2nd and now only other child who is 41" - were no doubt made with the utmost respect and thoughfulness, but yet I wanted to shout out - I hope you don't say those things to them "please be gentle with them".. Although the time immediately surrounding the deaths of my 3 children are blurred, I remember well the pain and fear I felt those first few days, weeks and months and looking back wish I could have said to all around me....

In the acute raw state of our grief – those first few days, weeks and month, after we as parents lose a child, remember that we often find it difficult to even speak.. never mind think – I’ve heard it said that at this time, there is no emotional space at all for grieving parents….

In the acute raw state of our grief, that part of our minds that isn’t occupied by grief, is occupied by anger, which we usually are trying not to vent against those around us, because we are at least aware that those around us love us and are truly trying to help us – but remember we just want to scream an change what’s happened..

In the acute raw state of our grief, just be with us – lovingly and remember that we aren’t absorbing most words said to us… Just be near us – don’t fear us – when you don’t know what to say, there’s nothing wrong with saying just that – because we don’t either…

In the acute raw state of our grief, please don’t tell us what our emotions should or shouldn’t be or put your emotions on us… and please don’t make any emotional demands on us – we are simply trying to get thru each moment, minute, hour and day..

In the acute raw state of our grief, if you can help us with what needs to be done around us, please just do what needs to be done.. Realize we can’t make even the smallest decision, so it's of no help to ask us what we need you to do.. If you just do it, later we’ll be grateful you went ahead and made dinner for us, answered the phone, cleaned our home, ran to the grocers, mowed our lawn, greeted guests or whatever needed to be done as we tried to absorb what has happend.

In the acute raw state of our grief, remember we don't need words - a hug and gentle touch can mean so very much..

In the acute raw state of our grief, bear with us – listen to what we are saying even though we may be repeating the same memory during our childs life or how they died, over and over again. We are just trying to comprehend what's happened and convince ourselves that they were here - we are adjusting to the nightmare we are living - the worst night any parent can face...

In the acute raw state of our grief, bear with us if we seem different and understand we are - Please accept that we will never be the same, our normal has changed forever..

In the acute raw state of our grief, please don’t make any reference to “time” such as “It just takes time”, “in time you’ll get over this”, “time heals all” – you have no idea and right now we are trying to believe that we will survive this devastating loss..

Please know that once the acute raw state of our grief begins to ease and fade and with “time”, we hope that we will remember and appreciate all your efforts – but if we don’t, remember that all we ask is that while we are going thru this journey of mourning, that you will just do the best you can, from your heart.

Sincere, heartfelt intentions speak much louder than actual words and I pray that if the tables were turned, and you were the one suffering “the acute raw state of grief” that I would do the same…