Not sure why or what started it, maybe it's just the weather here in New England, which has been so dark and dreary the last few days - but the last few days have been so terribly sad for me - almost overwhelming....
Tomorrow will be 20 months since my 36 year old son Bobby took his own life, leaving his wife of 11 years and 2 beautiful little boys. For the last several weeks, especially the last few days, tears have flowed more often than I'd like. Seems like very song on the radio, everything on TV, comments made by my students, friends and family set-me off and the tears just won't stop...
Oh how I miss him - his laughter, smile and especially those big bear hugs, the random phone calls that he would make just to say hello and ask how my day was going, which always seem to come when I was stuck in traffic going to and from work... maybe that's why I find traffic jams so difficult... Yes I see Bobby every where I look - in his 2 little boys faces, when I walk into his home, which was my beloved grandmother's before he and his wife bought it 13 years ago. My husband Dan and I were at an 80th birthday party this weekend for Dan's brother-in-law at a restaurant on the ocean at a marina and boats were everywhere getting ready for the summer season - that was terribly hard, it actually took my breath away. Bobby loved the ocean and has since he was a little boy-he bough his first boat before he bought his first car! I couldn't help but remember how proud and excited Bob and his wife had been on May 5th, eleven short years ago, when my husband Dan and I played hooky from work to help Bob and Jennifer celebrate and take possession of their first large boat, which they appropriately named "First Born" - what a special day that was... Yes Bobby loved the ocean, a love we'd all enjoyed when my boys were growing up.. it's so difficult now watching the ocean and that's why what my nephew Michael had said when he gave Bobby's eulogy at the funeral mass was so fitting and poignant......
Michael had said "I’d like to share a poem entitled “This Thing Called Death” which I believe can be a comfort to all of us who mourn Bob’s passing. It is similar to what Rev. Campo (the priest who said Bob's funeral mass) spoke about in his homily this morning.
“I stand upon the seashore. A ship spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and heads out across the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength and I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speak of white cloud on the horizon just where the sea and sky meet to mingle with each other. At my side someone says: “There! She’s gone.”
Gone where? Gone from my sight - that is all. She is just as large in mast and spar and hull as when she sailed close by, and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in my vision alone. At the moment when someone at my side says, “There, She’s gone,” other eyes watch her coming, and other voices take up the glad shout, “Here, she comes!” And that is dying.
Michael and his wife Kristin were still themselves recovering from the loss of their little boy Troy, who had been born and became an angel a few days later... I think,like me, the blessing of their 2 older little boys is what has helped them survive their own loss...
I totally believe that Bobby and both of my beloved daughters, Randee and Robin are all together with my grandmother Mae and other family members, enjoying the wonders of heaven and that they aren't gone but simply different - our guardian angels - watching and guiding us until we meet again...
But no matter how many good days I have, and how hard I work at "moving forward" (and don't let anyone kid you - it is work-very hard work) I accept the reality that will be these days - you know the ones when we say "why", "this isn't fair" all the cliches.... you know, those days when our hearts break, and the tears flow for what we believe should have been and will never be... And despite the tears, I wouldn't change change a thing (except to bring them back of course), but I'm so glad that I was their mom and for that I will never have a moment's regret....so I remind myself, as I'm sure so many of you do on these days, that "this too shall pass" -
My husband Dan and I are blessed to have a wonderful blended healthy-happy family with 4 beautiful sons, 5 beautiful daughter-in-laws and the most adorable 9 grandchildren!! Yes I'm prejudiced... and I'm so blessed to have the most wonderful husband in the world, Dan is without doubt, my rock...
So I know the sun will shine again (hopefully soon because we are all getting quite water logged here in New England where we spend our summers with our children and grandchildren, but it could be worse-we could be living on the banks of the Mississippi) so I'll try to count my blessings and be thankful for what we have and for the wonderful memories of those who have gone before us - who are just on another shore waiting for us with open arms... Cherie Houston
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